Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over

[Anonymous]

The coming by to pick up the item - not a problem at all for me. She's family and she lives nearby, you should feel happy she actually contacted first vs just showing up. That seems like normal family-in-the-same-town behavior.

The rest of it is a bit frustrating and I can see why you're annoyed by the combination of bringing up the park / staying for a while / giving the trike today / all of this before your parents come tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

Welcome to parenting OP. You gotta lighten up a little.

[Anonymous]

I think you lack appreciation for a very thoughtful MIL. You can choose to have a great relationship with her or you can have your self contained nuclear family. I spent years begging my MIL to see my child. I always let it be on her terms and as a result my child hardly spent any time with her. In a way I see this as the reverse you are trying to make contact be on your terms. Love and family should be more organic. More relaxed. Can you not imagine yourself 25 years from now? Imagine loving your son for all those years and now your just not welcome without an appointment. I know you want your own life but really you can't spare a little love for your husband's mother or your child's grandmother?

[Anonymous]

Op, you could try talking to her ~

[Anonymous]

Gosh my in town inlaws never took my kids anywhere. Not to the park, not to McDonalds, not anywhere. There has to be a happy medium somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you lack appreciation for a very thoughtful MIL. You can choose to have a great relationship with her or you can have your self contained nuclear family. I spent years begging my MIL to see my child. I always let it be on her terms and as a result my child hardly spent any time with her. In a way I see this as the reverse you are trying to make contact be on your terms. Love and family should be more organic. More relaxed. Can you not imagine yourself 25 years from now? Imagine loving your son for all those years and now your just not welcome without an appointment. I know you want your own life but really you can't spare a little love for your husband's mother or your child's grandmother?

Oh, come on. I'm not the OP, but I fail to see how her MIL is "very thoughtful." It's totally within people's rights to have their own lives and make boundaries.

I personally wouldn't react very strongly to what you described, OP, but I can see how it might be frustrating if you have different expectations. Your MIL was acting naturally, but it also sounds like she had a larger plan in mind before she came over. You didn't know about it, which was your DH's fault -- not hers -- but she should have been clearer if she wanted to go to the park and stay for dinner, not just pick something up. That's what would bother me most.

I would never drop in on my child or another family member after they became an adult. Are parents just stopping by college dorms all the time whenever they feel like it? If they do, they get an earful from their children. I don't think adult children need to deal with parents coming over whenever they want. If they really love you and care about you, they should show you some respect. My parents and in-laws don't live nearby, but if they did, they sure as heck would call first before they came to my house.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I have a great MIL and FIL who live in town and always call before they come by and would not invite themselves over.

I'm so tired of people saying "my in-laws never did anything with my kids" as though that makes anything an in-law does fine. Good intentions are nice, but good behavior is better.

Sometimes when family members are involved, it isn't because of a genuine love for their children or grandchildren but a selfish sense of wanting to be needed by those kids -- or at least a selfish sense of their own importance and desires rather than the real needs of the people involved. I've definitely witnessed this before. So just because someone wants to be involved doesn't mean they are great people and you should roll over and thank your lucky stars for having them in your lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you lack appreciation for a very thoughtful MIL. You can choose to have a great relationship with her or you can have your self contained nuclear family. I spent years begging my MIL to see my child. I always let it be on her terms and as a result my child hardly spent any time with her. In a way I see this as the reverse you are trying to make contact be on your terms. Love and family should be more organic. More relaxed. Can you not imagine yourself 25 years from now? Imagine loving your son for all those years and now your just not welcome without an appointment. I know you want your own life but really you can't spare a little love for your husband's mother or your child's grandmother?

Hello op's mil

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I have a great MIL and FIL who live in town and always call before they come by and would not invite themselves over.

I'm so tired of people saying "my in-laws never did anything with my kids" as though that makes anything an in-law does fine. Good intentions are nice, but good behavior is better.

Sometimes when family members are involved, it isn't because of a genuine love for their children or grandchildren but a selfish sense of wanting to be needed by those kids -- or at least a selfish sense of their own importance and desires rather than the real needs of the people involved. I've definitely witnessed this before. So just because someone wants to be involved doesn't mean they are great people and you should roll over and thank your lucky stars for having them in your lives.

These are some wise words. Thank you for your perspective (I am not OP, btw).

[Anonymous]

I also have in laws who have very different expectations for our interaction. They don't do anything inherently wrong, but it makes me uncomfortable. I'm not wrong either, though. I've tried hard to both understand their side of things while also not diminishing my own feelings. Introverts NEED downtime to recharge, and without that, I wouldn't be as good a parent. And even extroverts need some downtime too, as my partner tells me!

Honestly, as much as your scenario would frustrate me, I'd let it slide this time (since it's after the fact) but be prepared to say no in the future. You dont even need a reason. If MIl says she'll order dinner, just say "oh, no thanks. Another time!" Nuclear family time is valuable too.

It might make you feel better to be ready to turn down those impromptu offers in the future, even if you don't always say no.

[Anonymous]

I would be annoyed.... Though partly with dh. You need to know if she is coming. End of story. It's not just her son's house.... It's yours.

[Anonymous]

None of what this MIL did would bother me one bit. What OP is failing to see is her MIL thinks of her as her daughter. I wish my MIL had been like that.

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand how you feel. I'm very private and have always struggled to deal with in laws, and hate when people drop over.

Now that I'm a new MIL I begin to see the other side. I work hard to keep my distance and not intrude on my son and DIL's privacy and life together, remembering how I have always felt. It's a tricky balancing act, because the mother/child bond doesn't just evaporate. I know I fumble at times, sometimes being too distant, sometimes too familiar. I just have to hope my DIL will be understanding and forgiving. It makes me a more understanding DIL to my boundary-free MIL.

It doesn't sound like your MIL is a bad person or toxic. It sounds like she has good intentions. She's probably trying to find balance, so she can see her son and grandchild (and you). Look at your child and imagine if someone said you can't see him anymore except under strict, limited conditions. It's not an easy thing to get used to, even when you have let go and they're all grown up and out on their own.

I guess I'm saying it's not easy for either side, so be kind and understanding as you set your boundaries.

[Anonymous]

I would not be upset at all.

[Anonymous]

"But why can't she just let them have a moment with their grandson? Today seemed like an attempt to remind him of her before they come and to give him a major birthday present that he'll probably talk about while they are here."

This is probably the crux of it. She's feeling a little insecure and competitive. And since you don't mention a FIL, I'm guessing maybe she's also lonely, hence the stopping by uninvited (so you can't say no).