Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:17:29. , I would not care if my mom or MIL did not formally ask. If What up and did what OP'smother in law did it would not bother me in the least. If I did not want my child to go to the park, then I would say no. I am not so much of a punk that I need therapy to say no to a three-year-old. I do not feel like the bad guy I do not feel guilty because somebody wanted to get him something and I said no that's part of life that's part of being a parent. If my mother or my mother-in-law wants to stay for dinner and it did not work for me that day then again not being a punk I have no problem saying nope not going to work let's do it some other time. I belong to a family, the family I married into my family of birth I don't make them have to stand on formality in regards to asking about something. If they are that dysfunctional and disrespectful then I keep them at a distance. But again I say the territorial and possessive way most of these posters are responding makes me seriously question how they have any type of relationship be a platonic familial professional or romantic in real life

Op was enjoying a peaceful evening gardening with her 3 year old when MIL barged onto the scene and offered to sweep the little one away to the playground. Op COULD have said no but that would have upset her 3 year old, so either way, Op's enjoyable evening was over and done with thanks to MIL. And apparently this sort of thing happens on a fairly regular basis. I sympathize with Op because this sort of thing would have bothered me too.

You obviously don't care if someone barges into your home (or yard) and takes over the evening plans - "They're family!" But some of us prefer a little more consideration than that.

I sympathize with OP, too. Your MIL was out of line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:17:29. , I would not care if my mom or MIL did not formally ask. If What up and did what OP'smother in law did it would not bother me in the least. If I did not want my child to go to the park, then I would say no. I am not so much of a punk that I need therapy to say no to a three-year-old. I do not feel like the bad guy I do not feel guilty because somebody wanted to get him something and I said no that's part of life that's part of being a parent. If my mother or my mother-in-law wants to stay for dinner and it did not work for me that day then again not being a punk I have no problem saying nope not going to work let's do it some other time. I belong to a family, the family I married into my family of birth I don't make them have to stand on formality in regards to asking about something. If they are that dysfunctional and disrespectful then I keep them at a distance. But again I say the territorial and possessive way most of these posters are responding makes me seriously question how they have any type of relationship be a platonic familial professional or romantic in real life

Op was enjoying a peaceful evening gardening with her 3 year old when MIL barged onto the scene and offered to sweep the little one away to the playground. Op COULD have said no but that would have upset her 3 year old, so either way, Op's enjoyable evening was over and done with thanks to MIL. And apparently this sort of thing happens on a fairly regular basis. I sympathize with Op because this sort of thing would have bothered me too.

You obviously don't care if someone barges into your home (or yard) and takes over the evening plans - "They're family!" But some of us prefer a little more consideration than that.

"barge"?
Seriously, pp
OMG -- grandma asked if she could take the kid to the park,not a european vacation.
UN
CLENCH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd probably be annoyed because I feel it's a matter or respect. She is getting a little too comfortable. You, DH & DS are the family and she's inserting herself.

WOW -- your husband's mother is not part of the family?
I do not know how some of you even have relationships, that's just amazing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All this boundary and MY family kind of thing really baffles me.

When I was growing up, my grandfather stopped by every morning for coffee on the way to the station. My grandmother and stepGF would be over randomly during the week for dinner or dessert.

Aunts, uncles, and cousins would be through the house pretty regularly. I remember my mom being occasionally annoyed, but this was family. It's just how it worked.

I get that is not how everyone was raised, but I thought generally, there were exceptions for family.

When did we become so insulated and obsessed with boundaries etc? Weird.

I can actually see having a grandparent stop by every morning for coffee for a set amount of time the way your grandfather did. He was expected to show up (and leave) at very expected times.

The constant, in and out, revolving door would get old in a hurry with me. It's fine that it worked for your family and that you have warm memories of that time. But, honestly, I can see why your mom showed her annoyance at times. It would be a pain to prepare a dinner for 4 only to have 3 visitors pop by and expect a seat at the table. It would be stressful to look forward to a romantic dinner with your husband, only to have MIL show up on your doorstep. Wanting some privacy in your own home doesn't mean that you don't love them.

How is it stressful to tell your MIL, 'hey, I was planning a romantic dinner'. Who knows, maybe she would offer to babysit so you can get really romantic.
Boy, some of you are really a trip!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:17:29. , I would not care if my mom or MIL did not formally ask. If What up and did what OP'smother in law did it would not bother me in the least. If I did not want my child to go to the park, then I would say no. I am not so much of a punk that I need therapy to say no to a three-year-old. I do not feel like the bad guy I do not feel guilty because somebody wanted to get him something and I said no that's part of life that's part of being a parent. If my mother or my mother-in-law wants to stay for dinner and it did not work for me that day then again not being a punk I have no problem saying nope not going to work let's do it some other time. I belong to a family, the family I married into my family of birth I don't make them have to stand on formality in regards to asking about something. If they are that dysfunctional and disrespectful then I keep them at a distance. But again I say the territorial and possessive way most of these posters are responding makes me seriously question how they have any type of relationship be a platonic familial professional or romantic in real life

Op was enjoying a peaceful evening gardening with her 3 year old when MIL barged onto the scene and offered to sweep the little one away to the playground. Op COULD have said no but that would have upset her 3 year old, so either way, Op's enjoyable evening was over and done with thanks to MIL. And apparently this sort of thing happens on a fairly regular basis. I sympathize with Op because this sort of thing would have bothered me too.

You obviously don't care if someone barges into your home (or yard) and takes over the evening plans - "They're family!" But some of us prefer a little more consideration than that.

"barge"?
Seriously, pp
OMG -- grandma asked if she could take the kid to the park,not a european vacation.
UN
CLENCH

Yea, I am trying to figure out how someone "barges" when she has permission to come by. LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:17:29. , I would not care if my mom or MIL did not formally ask. If What up and did what OP'smother in law did it would not bother me in the least. If I did not want my child to go to the park, then I would say no. I am not so much of a punk that I need therapy to say no to a three-year-old. I do not feel like the bad guy I do not feel guilty because somebody wanted to get him something and I said no that's part of life that's part of being a parent. If my mother or my mother-in-law wants to stay for dinner and it did not work for me that day then again not being a punk I have no problem saying nope not going to work let's do it some other time. I belong to a family, the family I married into my family of birth I don't make them have to stand on formality in regards to asking about something. If they are that dysfunctional and disrespectful then I keep them at a distance. But again I say the territorial and possessive way most of these posters are responding makes me seriously question how they have any type of relationship be a platonic familial professional or romantic in real life

Op was enjoying a peaceful evening gardening with her 3 year old when MIL barged onto the scene and offered to sweep the little one away to the playground. Op COULD have said no but that would have upset her 3 year old, so either way, Op's enjoyable evening was over and done with thanks to MIL. And apparently this sort of thing happens on a fairly regular basis. I sympathize with Op because this sort of thing would have bothered me too.

You obviously don't care if someone barges into your home (or yard) and takes over the evening plans - "They're family!" But some of us prefer a little more consideration than that.

"barge"?
Seriously, pp
OMG -- grandma asked if she could take the kid to the park,not a european vacation.
UN
CLENCH

It is not nice to interrupt Pp. Certainly by now you should know this. Call first and ask permission. So easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All this boundary and MY family kind of thing really baffles me.

When I was growing up, my grandfather stopped by every morning for coffee on the way to the station. My grandmother and stepGF would be over randomly during the week for dinner or dessert.

Aunts, uncles, and cousins would be through the house pretty regularly. I remember my mom being occasionally annoyed, but this was family. It's just how it worked.

I get that is not how everyone was raised, but I thought generally, there were exceptions for family.

When did we become so insulated and obsessed with boundaries etc? Weird.

+1. This is how I was raised and, thankfully, how my spouse was raised. We married expecting and knowing that IL's were part of the family and would be treated as such. So they had wide latitude to stop by - especially after calling first, which is what OP's MIL did. At the same time, everyone understands if someone says no to something. There are no hard feelings. Sorry, if OP and her DH are too timid to stand up for themselves, I cannot blame the MIL.

IME, this is a big issue now that OP has a young child. As the child grows, either the OP will "unclench" and learn to appreciate having another adult around or she will have burned that bridge with MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:17:29. , I would not care if my mom or MIL did not formally ask. If What up and did what OP'smother in law did it would not bother me in the least. If I did not want my child to go to the park, then I would say no. I am not so much of a punk that I need therapy to say no to a three-year-old. I do not feel like the bad guy I do not feel guilty because somebody wanted to get him something and I said no that's part of life that's part of being a parent. If my mother or my mother-in-law wants to stay for dinner and it did not work for me that day then again not being a punk I have no problem saying nope not going to work let's do it some other time. I belong to a family, the family I married into my family of birth I don't make them have to stand on formality in regards to asking about something. If they are that dysfunctional and disrespectful then I keep them at a distance. But again I say the territorial and possessive way most of these posters are responding makes me seriously question how they have any type of relationship be a platonic familial professional or romantic in real life

Op was enjoying a peaceful evening gardening with her 3 year old when MIL barged onto the scene and offered to sweep the little one away to the playground. Op COULD have said no but that would have upset her 3 year old, so either way, Op's enjoyable evening was over and done with thanks to MIL. And apparently this sort of thing happens on a fairly regular basis. I sympathize with Op because this sort of thing would have bothered me too.

You obviously don't care if someone barges into your home (or yard) and takes over the evening plans - "They're family!" But some of us prefer a little more consideration than that.

"barge"?
Seriously, pp
OMG -- grandma asked if she could take the kid to the park,not a european vacation.
UN
CLENCH

It is not nice to interrupt Pp. Certainly by now you should know this. Call first and ask permission. So easy.

SHE DID!!!!!!! DH relented. LOL How many time does it have to be said?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:17:29. , I would not care if my mom or MIL did not formally ask. If What up and did what OP'smother in law did it would not bother me in the least. If I did not want my child to go to the park, then I would say no. I am not so much of a punk that I need therapy to say no to a three-year-old. I do not feel like the bad guy I do not feel guilty because somebody wanted to get him something and I said no that's part of life that's part of being a parent. If my mother or my mother-in-law wants to stay for dinner and it did not work for me that day then again not being a punk I have no problem saying nope not going to work let's do it some other time. I belong to a family, the family I married into my family of birth I don't make them have to stand on formality in regards to asking about something. If they are that dysfunctional and disrespectful then I keep them at a distance. But again I say the territorial and possessive way most of these posters are responding makes me seriously question how they have any type of relationship be a platonic familial professional or romantic in real life

Op was enjoying a peaceful evening gardening with her 3 year old when MIL barged onto the scene and offered to sweep the little one away to the playground. Op COULD have said no but that would have upset her 3 year old, so either way, Op's enjoyable evening was over and done with thanks to MIL. And apparently this sort of thing happens on a fairly regular basis. I sympathize with Op because this sort of thing would have bothered me too.

You obviously don't care if someone barges into your home (or yard) and takes over the evening plans - "They're family!" But some of us prefer a little more consideration than that.

"barge"?
Seriously, pp
OMG -- grandma asked if she could take the kid to the park,not a european vacation.
UN
CLENCH

It is not nice to interrupt Pp. Certainly by now you should know this. Call first and ask permission. So easy.

SHE DID!!!!!!! DH relented. LOL How many time does it have to be said?

Oh, she asked to take her grandchild to the park over the phone? Nope, I don't think that she did that at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:17:29. , I would not care if my mom or MIL did not formally ask. If What up and did what OP'smother in law did it would not bother me in the least. If I did not want my child to go to the park, then I would say no. I am not so much of a punk that I need therapy to say no to a three-year-old. I do not feel like the bad guy I do not feel guilty because somebody wanted to get him something and I said no that's part of life that's part of being a parent. If my mother or my mother-in-law wants to stay for dinner and it did not work for me that day then again not being a punk I have no problem saying nope not going to work let's do it some other time. I belong to a family, the family I married into my family of birth I don't make them have to stand on formality in regards to asking about something. If they are that dysfunctional and disrespectful then I keep them at a distance. But again I say the territorial and possessive way most of these posters are responding makes me seriously question how they have any type of relationship be a platonic familial professional or romantic in real life

Op was enjoying a peaceful evening gardening with her 3 year old when MIL barged onto the scene and offered to sweep the little one away to the playground. Op COULD have said no but that would have upset her 3 year old, so either way, Op's enjoyable evening was over and done with thanks to MIL. And apparently this sort of thing happens on a fairly regular basis. I sympathize with Op because this sort of thing would have bothered me too.

You obviously don't care if someone barges into your home (or yard) and takes over the evening plans - "They're family!" But some of us prefer a little more consideration than that.

"barge"?
Seriously, pp
OMG -- grandma asked if she could take the kid to the park,not a european vacation.
UN
CLENCH

It is not nice to interrupt Pp. Certainly by now you should know this. Call first and ask permission. So easy.

SHE DID!!!!!!! DH relented. LOL How many time does it have to be said?

Oh, she asked to take her grandchild to the park over the phone? Nope, I don't think that she did that at all.

Nevermind. We will never agree on this issue. Our perspectives on issues like this are too different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, get some real problems.

I would have been thrilled that someone else was offering to take my kid to the park for an hour. And of course, you would ask if she wants to stay for dinner-its 5 pm. Seriously, you need to rethink how you are approaching this whole relationship.

WHy is this an of course? Just b/c a person is at your home at 5pm doesn't mean you are obligated to feed them?

Of course you feed them. My parents fed anyone who was at our house in the late afternoon/evening, no questions asked. There was a lot of love in our house, and it was always filled with kids. Dinner might just be leftovers. I understand that not everyone is up for this, but I think this is the difference between wanting a warm, inviting home, and being part of a bigger community, and wanting your home to be a private sanctuary. Nothing wrong with either one but as someone who grew up in the inviting house, the second time of house seems cold to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All this boundary and MY family kind of thing really baffles me.

When I was growing up, my grandfather stopped by every morning for coffee on the way to the station. My grandmother and stepGF would be over randomly during the week for dinner or dessert.

Aunts, uncles, and cousins would be through the house pretty regularly. I remember my mom being occasionally annoyed, but this was family. It's just how it worked.

I get that is not how everyone was raised, but I thought generally, there were exceptions for family.

When did we become so insulated and obsessed with boundaries etc? Weird.

I grew up in this kind of house too. My mom always made enough extra food to feed an extra family...just in case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, get some real problems.

I would have been thrilled that someone else was offering to take my kid to the park for an hour. And of course, you would ask if she wants to stay for dinner-its 5 pm. Seriously, you need to rethink how you are approaching this whole relationship.

WHy is this an of course? Just b/c a person is at your home at 5pm doesn't mean you are obligated to feed them?

Of course you feed them. My parents fed anyone who was at our house in the late afternoon/evening, no questions asked. There was a lot of love in our house, and it was always filled with kids. Dinner might just be leftovers. I understand that not everyone is up for this, but I think this is the difference between wanting a warm, inviting home, and being part of a bigger community, and wanting your home to be a private sanctuary. Nothing wrong with either one but as someone who grew up in the inviting house, the second time of house seems cold to me.

+1. At the end of the day, this is what it comes down to for me. And I apologize to OP if I seemed judgmental. I was just raised with an open door policy for close family. So someone being upset at a grandmother wanting to spend time with the family is a foreign to me. But I see form this thread that it is pretty common. Different strokes.

[Anonymous]

It's just too hard when you've got little ones waking up during the night and at least one of you having to leave for work in the morning at 4:30am. You are "on" all day, it's nice to come home, put your feet up or go outside and quietly work in the garden. I can't imagine being ever ready to host a crowd of folks too. And being labeled "rude" for being too tired to do so..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's just too hard when you've got little ones waking up during the night and at least one of you having to leave for work in the morning at 4:30am. You are "on" all day, it's nice to come home, put your feet up or go outside and quietly work in the garden. I can't imagine being ever ready to host a crowd of folks too. And being labeled "rude" for being too tired to do so..

I cannot imagine feeling like I have to be "on" around my mom or MIL. If I cannot relax around them and be myself, what a shame.
I do not feel line a host when either are around, they are my family. I don't feel like having them for dinner or taking my kid to the park, I can say that to them, no problem . Same way if they don't feel line having me over because they are enjoying their solitude or whatever they are doing.
And I could not care any less if they offered my kid something I have to say no to. Big freaking deal.