Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the opinions.

Part of the problem is that this is an ongoing issue for us -- MIL also used to show up unannounced when DS was a baby, and I was half dressed while BFing. She even let herself into the house once (back when she had a key before we had to change the locks for a totally unrelated reason).

We have had this conversation several times, but it keeps coming up in different ways. It's obvious to me that we have different views of what's okay and normal. This is partially why I wanted opinions from others -- because in my mind, she's being rude, but I understand that she doesn't see it that way.

DH has talked with her, but it doesn't seem to stick. It lasts a little while, and then something new comes up. I'm a pretty private person, and I really like to know what to expect from my evenings and when to expect visitors. I feel like the terrible bad guy for wanting to keep her at bay because I know she wants to be with us and see DS. It makes me mad that I have to either be a total jerk to her or do something that makes me uncomfortable, like be willing to have her over any old time. I wish there was some other in-between, and it feels like she should be more cognizant of the fact that she's imposing, but she doesn't seem to be (or won't admit it even to herself -- I'm not sure which).

22:04, I can handle telling my DS no to the park, but I don't think it's fair for MIL to make me have to be the bad guy in a case like this.

And FWIW, DH is an only child, so the only other grandchild she's going to have will be any other kids we have, so I don't see this improving long-term based on that alone!

Why the fuck are you the bad guy if you say no to something ?
Saying No is part of parenting.
Honestly with all these rules you have it sounds line you need a little therapy

[Anonymous]

Oh my goodness some if you people have the most ridiculous, territorial, no sensual rules I have ever heard. Only 1 set of GP can visit with the Golden Child at once, don't offer Golden child anything I have to say no to. Do not see me in sweats. Get notarized copy of visitation schedule.
What a piece of work, how do folks even have Han relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, get some real problems.

I would have been thrilled that someone else was offering to take my kid to the park for an hour. And of course, you would ask if she wants to stay for dinner-its 5 pm. Seriously, you need to rethink how you are approaching this whole relationship.

PP here. I would NOT be thrilled that someone else offered to take my preschooler to the park in front of my preschooler when my child and I were already engaged in an activity together and enjoying each other. I work days and I treasure the tiny window of time I get with my child every night before we put him to bed. You may be happy to be rid of your child at the drop of the hat but that's not true of all of us.

Nor do I think it's appropriate to reward people who have rudely disregarded people saying that it's not a good time but turning up uninvited anyway by then inviting them to stay for dinner.

Unclench and grow up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness some if you people have the most ridiculous, territorial, no sensual rules I have ever heard. Only 1 set of GP can visit with the Golden Child at once, don't offer Golden child anything I have to say no to. Do not see me in sweats. Get notarized copy of visitation schedule.
What a piece of work, how do folks even have Han relationships.

Dang autocorrect
Was supposed to say "nonsensical"

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If your mom did this, would you care? I personally would not (and my mom would do those kinds of things if she lived close), so I wouldn't get mad at MIL for doing the same things.

I think the "If she lived close" part indicates that you haven't exactly lived it. What looks good on paper can be very disruptive in real life. Plus, Op is not you. It's o.k. to ask people (even moms and MILs) not to just drop by w/o notice if that is not comfortable to you. Op needs to be able to relax in her own home.

The MIL DID give notice!

And she was told that it was not a good time but opted to come anyway. And Op was not aware that she was dropping by. Maybe Op's husband thought that he had been clear enough that it wasn't a good time and that she would take the hint?

No....the DH relented! There is a difference.

He "relented" because she is pushy and he has a hard time saying no to his mom.

So? He gave her persmission to come over. She needs to talk to her DH about being more firm. Besides that, we don't how hard DH even pushed back. He may have told his wife that he tried to hold the fort because he probably saw she was annoyed.

So MIL being pushy and not taking "no" for an answer is o.k,? You think that Op should just suck it up and accept that that's just the way it's going to be? It sounds as though Op's dh was caught in the middle - afraid to tell his mom "No. You can't come over now" and afraid to tell his wife that Mom was on the way because he knew that would tick his wife off. And it did.

You guys cannot have it both ways. 90% of the people on here say that everyone should deal with their own parents. Here, OP's DH GAVE PERMISSION for his mother to swing by. I do not care if she was pushy or not, he is supposed to be able to hold the line with his own mother. If he will not or cannot, OP's issue should be with him. IMO, you can be mad for her wanting to come by and see her family or you can be mad at him for not having the balls to tell her firmly no. I choose to take issue with the person who is supposed to enforce the boundaries that we mutally set. To each her own.

MIL is responsible for being a pushy pain. She is. Op's dh needs to deal with her but that doesn't mean that the MIL is not responsible for her own behavior. I have sons and I can not imagine putting them in that position and I hope and pray that I have the wisdom not to.

Put him in what position? Come on. I know that most of you are anti-MIL, but this MIL does NOT sound like a pushy pain to me and I KNOW what pushy pain MIL is.

To clarify...

Not Pushy: "Hi, son. Would now be a good time for me to pop by and get that casserole dish?"

"No, not now we're in the middle of some things."

"O.k., when would be a good time then?"

Pushy: "Hi, son. I'm on my way over to get that casserole dish. 'Kay?"

"Uh, um this is not really a good time"

"Well, I'm almost there now. Can I drop by or not?"

"Uh, um, I guess"

In one situation you are *asking* if you can come over in the other situation you are *informing* that you ARE coming over. See the difference?

LOL! This may be the way that my family communicates, but neither one of those exchanges would bother me one bit or deter my DH from saying emphatically "Mom, do NOT come over here today. I will call you tomorrow." And TBH, if my DH "permitted" his mom to come by, I would not be on here saying that MIL was at fault. I would be talking to him about being more resolute with her.

That's fine though. We are both entitled to our way of doing things. I expect my MIL to respect our marriage but, like I said in another post, we are a pretty "live and let live" type of family. We don't step lightly and kiss her butt and she does not step lightly or kiss our butt. She is our family and, since she is widowed and we are her closest family, we give her wide berth - and I insisted on that. Better than her sitting at her house all alone. But like I said, we all have our way.

That is how we live as well. I do not see how any one wants to be friends with, married to or in any other way be bothered with these other tight behind heffas who cannot handle grandma asking to thaw your kid to the park .

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:If your mom did this, would you care? I personally would not (and my mom would do those kinds of things if she lived close), so I wouldn't get mad at MIL for doing the same things.

I think the "If she lived close" part indicates that you haven't exactly lived it. What looks good on paper can be very disruptive in real life. Plus, Op is not you. It's o.k. to ask people (even moms and MILs) not to just drop by w/o notice if that is not comfortable to you. Op needs to be able to relax in her own home.

The MIL DID give notice!

And she was told that it was not a good time but opted to come anyway. And Op was not aware that she was dropping by. Maybe Op's husband thought that he had been clear enough that it wasn't a good time and that she would take the hint?

No....the DH relented! There is a difference.

He "relented" because she is pushy and he has a hard time saying no to his mom.

So? He gave her persmission to come over. She needs to talk to her DH about being more firm. Besides that, we don't how hard DH even pushed back. He may have told his wife that he tried to hold the fort because he probably saw she was annoyed.

So MIL being pushy and not taking "no" for an answer is o.k,? You think that Op should just suck it up and accept that that's just the way it's going to be? It sounds as though Op's dh was caught in the middle - afraid to tell his mom "No. You can't come over now" and afraid to tell his wife that Mom was on the way because he knew that would tick his wife off. And it did.

You guys cannot have it both ways. 90% of the people on here say that everyone should deal with their own parents. Here, OP's DH GAVE PERMISSION for his mother to swing by. I do not care if she was pushy or not, he is supposed to be able to hold the line with his own mother. If he will not or cannot, OP's issue should be with him. IMO, you can be mad for her wanting to come by and see her family or you can be mad at him for not having the balls to tell her firmly no. I choose to take issue with the person who is supposed to enforce the boundaries that we mutally set. To each her own.

MIL is responsible for being a pushy pain. She is. Op's dh needs to deal with her but that doesn't mean that the MIL is not responsible for her own behavior. I have sons and I can not imagine putting them in that position and I hope and pray that I have the wisdom not to.

Put him in what position? Come on. I know that most of you are anti-MIL, but this MIL does NOT sound like a pushy pain to me and I KNOW what pushy pain MIL is.

To clarify...

Not Pushy: "Hi, son. Would now be a good time for me to pop by and get that casserole dish?"

"No, not now we're in the middle of some things."

"O.k., when would be a good time then?"

Pushy: "Hi, son. I'm on my way over to get that casserole dish. 'Kay?"

"Uh, um this is not really a good time"

"Well, I'm almost there now. Can I drop by or not?"

"Uh, um, I guess"

In one situation you are *asking* if you can come over in the other situation you are *informing* that you ARE coming over. See the difference?

LOL! This may be the way that my family communicates, but neither one of those exchanges would bother me one bit or deter my DH from saying emphatically "Mom, do NOT come over here today. I will call you tomorrow." And TBH, if my DH "permitted" his mom to come by, I would not be on here saying that MIL was at fault. I would be talking to him about being more resolute with her.

That's fine though. We are both entitled to our way of doing things. I expect my MIL to respect our marriage but, like I said in another post, we are a pretty "live and let live" type of family. We don't step lightly and kiss her butt and she does not step lightly or kiss our butt. She is our family and, since she is widowed and we are her closest family, we give her wide berth - and I insisted on that. Better than her sitting at her house all alone. But like I said, we all have our way.

That is how we live as well. I do not see how any one wants to be friends with, married to or in any other way be bothered with these other tight behind heffas who cannot handle grandma asking to thaw your kid to the park .

Again this is how you ASK: "Hi son. I would love to take Timmy to the park this afternoon the weather is so beautiful! Would that be o.k.?"

This is how you TELL someone that you ARE taking the kid to the park: show up with no notice and in front of preschooler say: "Who would love to go to the park today with Grammy? I knew that you would! DIL we'll be back by 5pm and we can all have dinner together. See ya!"

[Anonymous]

17:29. , I would not care if my mom or MIL did not formally ask. If What up and did what OP'smother in law did it would not bother me in the least. If I did not want my child to go to the park, then I would say no. I am not so much of a punk that I need therapy to say no to a three-year-old. I do not feel like the bad guy I do not feel guilty because somebody wanted to get him something and I said no that's part of life that's part of being a parent. If my mother or my mother-in-law wants to stay for dinner and it did not work for me that day then again not being a punk I have no problem saying nope not going to work let's do it some other time. I belong to a family, the family I married into my family of birth I don't make them have to stand on formality in regards to asking about something. If they are that dysfunctional and disrespectful then I keep them at a distance. But again I say the territorial and possessive way most of these posters are responding makes me seriously question how they have any type of relationship be a platonic familial professional or romantic in real life

[Anonymous]

OP, unlike some of the previous posters, I don't think you are the problem. Unfortunately, you are being placed in a difficult position and my own experience is that just saying "no" and creating reasonable boundaries led to more drama and even family therapy with DH and in-laws, which I would never recommend. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:17:29. , I would not care if my mom or MIL did not formally ask. If What up and did what OP'smother in law did it would not bother me in the least. If I did not want my child to go to the park, then I would say no. I am not so much of a punk that I need therapy to say no to a three-year-old. I do not feel like the bad guy I do not feel guilty because somebody wanted to get him something and I said no that's part of life that's part of being a parent. If my mother or my mother-in-law wants to stay for dinner and it did not work for me that day then again not being a punk I have no problem saying nope not going to work let's do it some other time. I belong to a family, the family I married into my family of birth I don't make them have to stand on formality in regards to asking about something. If they are that dysfunctional and disrespectful then I keep them at a distance. But again I say the territorial and possessive way most of these posters are responding makes me seriously question how they have any type of relationship be a platonic familial professional or romantic in real life

Op was enjoying a peaceful evening gardening with her 3 year old when MIL barged onto the scene and offered to sweep the little one away to the playground. Op COULD have said no but that would have upset her 3 year old, so either way, Op's enjoyable evening was over and done with thanks to MIL. And apparently this sort of thing happens on a fairly regular basis. I sympathize with Op because this sort of thing would have bothered me too.

You obviously don't care if someone barges into your home (or yard) and takes over the evening plans - "They're family!" But some of us prefer a little more consideration than that.

[Anonymous]

Drama queen much, PP? Swooping and barging and sweeping? It's the mother of her husband, not some stranger. He came from her, created from her body, and it appears she lovingly raised him just the way OP is now raising her child. When your kids grow up, you don't suddenly forget they came out of you, or that you spent all those years caring for them. You don't suddenly stop loving them. You let go of them, and a partner takes your place as the center of their life, and you step back. However you feel about your MIL, you need to remember she's your spouse's mother. Look at your own kids and imagine them turning away from you, and their future spouse being so cold toward you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Drama queen much, PP? Swooping and barging and sweeping? It's the mother of her husband, not some stranger. He came from her, created from her body, and it appears she lovingly raised him just the way OP is now raising her child. When your kids grow up, you don't suddenly forget they came out of you, or that you spent all those years caring for them. You don't suddenly stop loving them. You let go of them, and a partner takes your place as the center of their life, and you step back. However you feel about your MIL, you need to remember she's your spouse's mother. Look at your own kids and imagine them turning away from you, and their future spouse being so cold toward you.

Spending a good chunk of every weekend at the OP's house sure as heck doesn't sound like stepping back!

[Anonymous]

I'd probably be annoyed because I feel it's a matter or respect. She is getting a little too comfortable. You, DH & DS are the family and she's inserting herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Drama queen much, PP? Swooping and barging and sweeping? It's the mother of her husband, not some stranger. He came from her, created from her body, and it appears she lovingly raised him just the way OP is now raising her child. When your kids grow up, you don't suddenly forget they came out of you, or that you spent all those years caring for them. You don't suddenly stop loving them. You let go of them, and a partner takes your place as the center of their life, and you step back. However you feel about your MIL, you need to remember she's your spouse's mother. Look at your own kids and imagine them turning away from you, and their future spouse being so cold toward you.

I think that you are completely missing the fact that Op does, indeed, welcome MIL in their lives. This little family does, indeed, spend weekly time with Grandma. MIL is just the type to take advantage and intrude on them at every whim. That's the part that's wrong. MIL is not a co parent of this child, she is the grandparent. She doesn't live at their house, she is a visitor who acts like she has every right to be there whenever she feels like it. That isn't nice.

[Anonymous]

All this boundary and MY family kind of thing really baffles me.

When I was growing up, my grandfather stopped by every morning for coffee on the way to the station. My grandmother and stepGF would be over randomly during the week for dinner or dessert.

Aunts, uncles, and cousins would be through the house pretty regularly. I remember my mom being occasionally annoyed, but this was family. It's just how it worked.

I get that is not how everyone was raised, but I thought generally, there were exceptions for family.

When did we become so insulated and obsessed with boundaries etc? Weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All this boundary and MY family kind of thing really baffles me.

When I was growing up, my grandfather stopped by every morning for coffee on the way to the station. My grandmother and stepGF would be over randomly during the week for dinner or dessert.

Aunts, uncles, and cousins would be through the house pretty regularly. I remember my mom being occasionally annoyed, but this was family. It's just how it worked.

I get that is not how everyone was raised, but I thought generally, there were exceptions for family.

When did we become so insulated and obsessed with boundaries etc? Weird.

I can actually see having a grandparent stop by every morning for coffee for a set amount of time the way your grandfather did. He was expected to show up (and leave) at very expected times.

The constant, in and out, revolving door would get old in a hurry with me. It's fine that it worked for your family and that you have warm memories of that time. But, honestly, I can see why your mom showed her annoyance at times. It would be a pain to prepare a dinner for 4 only to have 3 visitors pop by and expect a seat at the table. It would be stressful to look forward to a romantic dinner with your husband, only to have MIL show up on your doorstep. Wanting some privacy in your own home doesn't mean that you don't love them.