Would you feel the same way? MIL inviting herself over

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your mom did this, would you care? I personally would not (and my mom would do those kinds of things if she lived close), so I wouldn't get mad at MIL for doing the same things.

I think the "If she lived close" part indicates that you haven't exactly lived it. What looks good on paper can be very disruptive in real life. Plus, Op is not you. It's o.k. to ask people (even moms and MILs) not to just drop by w/o notice if that is not comfortable to you. Op needs to be able to relax in her own home.

I am just asking the question. Many people seem to have different standards for their own parents v inlaws, which I think explains many IL issues.

+1. TBH, I think a lot of these MIL issues are self fulfilling hangups that the DILs have. A lot of them are extra critical of MILs anyways. Thus, stuff like this (which would not bother me at all) takes on a life of its own. OP (with PPs' help) is assigning all kinds of nefarious motives. Perhaps, MIL was lonely and just wanted to spend the eening with her son and his family. Perhaps she could not wait to see the joy on her grandson's face when he got his new toy. After 20 years of marriage, I have learned that if you see the worst in things, that is what you get.

And TBH, if my spouse rasied a big stink about an issue like this, I would back him publicly, but I would not be too thrilled with him.

It is not rude to want to spend an evening at your own home without visitors. Maybe you enjoy an open door policy at your house but don't expect that everyone is like you.

I am not getting the "open door" in this situation. The MIL called the DH. DH allegedly said "not the best time." She allegedly persisted and he relented. In my feeble mind, that means that MIL had permission to come over. So if she has a problem, the DH is where she needs to stop.

But you are right - everyone is not like me. I grew up in a close-knit family and so did my DH. It may be cutltural or just us, but my expectations are different in that regard. Our lives are a little more free flowing and a lot less regimented then some peoples'. So family dropping by is fine, especially if they call first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your mom did this, would you care? I personally would not (and my mom would do those kinds of things if she lived close), so I wouldn't get mad at MIL for doing the same things.

I think the "If she lived close" part indicates that you haven't exactly lived it. What looks good on paper can be very disruptive in real life. Plus, Op is not you. It's o.k. to ask people (even moms and MILs) not to just drop by w/o notice if that is not comfortable to you. Op needs to be able to relax in her own home.

The MIL DID give notice!

And she was told that it was not a good time but opted to come anyway. And Op was not aware that she was dropping by. Maybe Op's husband thought that he had been clear enough that it wasn't a good time and that she would take the hint?

No....the DH relented! There is a difference.

He "relented" because she is pushy and he has a hard time saying no to his mom.

So? He gave her persmission to come over. She needs to talk to her DH about being more firm. Besides that, we don't how hard DH even pushed back. He may have told his wife that he tried to hold the fort because he probably saw she was annoyed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't have been nearly as nice as you were OP. Bottom line, you aren't crazy to be upset. She crossed several lines tonight.

OMG you people and your "boundary" issues!

OP, you are long winded and obviously dull with the minute attention to details that don't matter. In a word--unclench.

How do you get through basic life? Gee wilikers, if you can't handle saying no to a 3 year old about the park without it being a big production you should re-think any future children.

Wow, did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed or are you always this contemptuous, unkind, and nasty?

OP, I'm a detail oriented person and I appreciate the vivid picture you painted. And I can totally relate to your frustration. My privacy and space are really important to me. And I want my home to be welcoming to my MIL, but I am NOT okay with gifts being given at every visit.

It sounds like your DH is not the best person to speak up, and you have a pretty good relationship with your MIL, so I might suggest a gentle conversation, something like, "Phyllis, I hope I did not hurt your feelings by being startled when you arrived. I understand you told DH that you were stopping by, and he didn't remember to tell me. I love that you enjoy coming over to spend so much time with [grandson]. And I really appreciate your offer to buy dinner for us - that would be such a nice treat sometimes. The other night, though, I really was looking forward to a quiet evening gardening with DC and just spending time the three of us before bed. In the future, so that we can all enjoy our time together, I'd appreciate scheduling evenings together in advance. I'm not comfortable with last minute changes of plans unless there is an emergency or something."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your mom did this, would you care? I personally would not (and my mom would do those kinds of things if she lived close), so I wouldn't get mad at MIL for doing the same things.

I think the "If she lived close" part indicates that you haven't exactly lived it. What looks good on paper can be very disruptive in real life. Plus, Op is not you. It's o.k. to ask people (even moms and MILs) not to just drop by w/o notice if that is not comfortable to you. Op needs to be able to relax in her own home.

The MIL DID give notice!

And she was told that it was not a good time but opted to come anyway. And Op was not aware that she was dropping by. Maybe Op's husband thought that he had been clear enough that it wasn't a good time and that she would take the hint?

No....the DH relented! There is a difference.

He "relented" because she is pushy and he has a hard time saying no to his mom.

So? He gave her persmission to come over. She needs to talk to her DH about being more firm. Besides that, we don't how hard DH even pushed back. He may have told his wife that he tried to hold the fort because he probably saw she was annoyed.

So MIL being pushy and not taking "no" for an answer is o.k,? You think that Op should just suck it up and accept that that's just the way it's going to be? It sounds as though Op's dh was caught in the middle - afraid to tell his mom "No. You can't come over now" and afraid to tell his wife that Mom was on the way because he knew that would tick his wife off. And it did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand all that you are saying and feeling. But, I personally would not be upset at all. I'd be delighted to see my MIL at almost any moment. I'm thrilled that she loves my kids and they love her. Want to take them to the park for an hour, give me an hour off and buy me dinner??? BONUS! Send your MIL to my house next time.

Please try to be nicer to her. Someday your son will marry a woman.... treat your MIL the way you would want that woman to treat you.

god i hate this person who always enters every thread. "someday you will be the mil!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your mom did this, would you care? I personally would not (and my mom would do those kinds of things if she lived close), so I wouldn't get mad at MIL for doing the same things.

I think the "If she lived close" part indicates that you haven't exactly lived it. What looks good on paper can be very disruptive in real life. Plus, Op is not you. It's o.k. to ask people (even moms and MILs) not to just drop by w/o notice if that is not comfortable to you. Op needs to be able to relax in her own home.

I am just asking the question. Many people seem to have different standards for their own parents v inlaws, which I think explains many IL issues.

That is true. However, I don't think it's fair to expect the mil-dil relationship of 5-10 yrs to be tit for tat with the mother-daughter relationship of 30+ years. I have different standards for my mom and my mil. It's inappropriate for my mil to say/do some things to me. Because I am not her child. End of story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, get some real problems.

I would have been thrilled that someone else was offering to take my kid to the park for an hour. And of course, you would ask if she wants to stay for dinner-its 5 pm. Seriously, you need to rethink how you are approaching this whole relationship.

WHy is this an of course? Just b/c a person is at your home at 5pm doesn't mean you are obligated to feed them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand all that you are saying and feeling. But, I personally would not be upset at all. I'd be delighted to see my MIL at almost any moment. I'm thrilled that she loves my kids and they love her. Want to take them to the park for an hour, give me an hour off and buy me dinner??? BONUS! Send your MIL to my house next time.

Please try to be nicer to her. Someday your son will marry a woman.... treat your MIL the way you would want that woman to treat you.

god i hate this person who always enters every thread. "someday you will be the mil!"

Not all moms/MILs are pushy, intrusive PITAs who can't take "no" for an answer. Some are actually considerate, helpful and easy to live close to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand all that you are saying and feeling. But, I personally would not be upset at all. I'd be delighted to see my MIL at almost any moment. I'm thrilled that she loves my kids and they love her. Want to take them to the park for an hour, give me an hour off and buy me dinner??? BONUS! Send your MIL to my house next time.

Please try to be nicer to her. Someday your son will marry a woman.... treat your MIL the way you would want that woman to treat you.

god i hate this person who always enters every thread. "someday you will be the mil!"

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, get some real problems.

I would have been thrilled that someone else was offering to take my kid to the park for an hour. And of course, you would ask if she wants to stay for dinner-its 5 pm. Seriously, you need to rethink how you are approaching this whole relationship.

PP here. I would NOT be thrilled that someone else offered to take my preschooler to the park in front of my preschooler when my child and I were already engaged in an activity together and enjoying each other. I work days and I treasure the tiny window of time I get with my child every night before we put him to bed. You may be happy to be rid of your child at the drop of the hat but that's not true of all of us.

Nor do I think it's appropriate to reward people who have rudely disregarded people saying that it's not a good time but turning up uninvited anyway by then inviting them to stay for dinner.

[Anonymous]

I would be a little annoyed too, especially by your MIL inviting herself to dinner.

However, your MIL didn't just show up unannounced. She told your DH she wanted to come by. He not only acquiesced, he forgot to tell you.

And if you want your own parents to have separate time with their grandchild, simply don't invite her over while they're here, and be firm if she tries to invite herself. Just make sure you and your husband agree on this, because it sounds like you don't, necessarily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, get some real problems.

I would have been thrilled that someone else was offering to take my kid to the park for an hour. And of course, you would ask if she wants to stay for dinner-its 5 pm. Seriously, you need to rethink how you are approaching this whole relationship.

PP here. I would NOT be thrilled that someone else offered to take my preschooler to the park in front of my preschooler when my child and I were already engaged in an activity together and enjoying each other. I work days and I treasure the tiny window of time I get with my child every night before we put him to bed. You may be happy to be rid of your child at the drop of the hat but that's not true of all of us.

Nor do I think it's appropriate to reward people who have rudely disregarded people saying that it's not a good time but turning up uninvited anyway by then inviting them to stay for dinner.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your mom did this, would you care? I personally would not (and my mom would do those kinds of things if she lived close), so I wouldn't get mad at MIL for doing the same things.

I think the "If she lived close" part indicates that you haven't exactly lived it. What looks good on paper can be very disruptive in real life. Plus, Op is not you. It's o.k. to ask people (even moms and MILs) not to just drop by w/o notice if that is not comfortable to you. Op needs to be able to relax in her own home.

I am just asking the question. Many people seem to have different standards for their own parents v inlaws, which I think explains many IL issues.

That is true. However, I don't think it's fair to expect the mil-dil relationship of 5-10 yrs to be tit for tat with the mother-daughter relationship of 30+ years. I have different standards for my mom and my mil. It's inappropriate for my mil to say/do some things to me. Because I am not her child. End of story.

But I understand that some don't feel this way and have a lot of IL problems as a result. Not surprising.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your mom did this, would you care? I personally would not (and my mom would do those kinds of things if she lived close), so I wouldn't get mad at MIL for doing the same things.

I think the "If she lived close" part indicates that you haven't exactly lived it. What looks good on paper can be very disruptive in real life. Plus, Op is not you. It's o.k. to ask people (even moms and MILs) not to just drop by w/o notice if that is not comfortable to you. Op needs to be able to relax in her own home.

I am just asking the question. Many people seem to have different standards for their own parents v inlaws, which I think explains many IL issues.

That is true. However, I don't think it's fair to expect the mil-dil relationship of 5-10 yrs to be tit for tat with the mother-daughter relationship of 30+ years. I have different standards for my mom and my mil. It's inappropriate for my mil to say/do some things to me. Because I am not her child. End of story.

But I understand that some don't feel this way and have a lot of IL problems as a result. Not surprising.

Whoops - I left out the part that the OP's husband is MIL's child. It is his house, too.

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing...even if you have the right to be annoyed---you have the angels on your side---does that mean you HAVE to get annoyed?

All things considered, doesn't sound like that big of a deal. Kid and MIL like each other, everybody is family. The MIL offered to take the kid and get dinner.

Maybe she is not great at cues and boundaries, but in the end, who is getting hurt most by choosing to look at and focus on only the negatives?

Let it go, for real. Again, I am not saying OP didn't have the right to be annoyed. Objectively, she did. But that is only at the surface level.

Getting spun up because you're right, in light if a sitch that is soooo not a big deal, just makes you and everyone around you miserable.

Does she have a husband? Other family around? Or are you guys it? Seems like she may just want to be with you an dis looking for excuses.

I really can't imagine going through life so flappable all the time. I would find it exhausting.

My manic MIL, who has called me fat, intruded in our lives, and just regularly been a pain in the ass is on her way here right now. I can choose to get annoyed at the shit that will never change, or I can drink a glass of wine and laugh it at all and be evil and know hey, it can't last forever. She'll be dead someday.