DS (21) Refused to go to grandmother's funeral

[Anonymous]

My 21 year old refused to go to his grandmother's (my mom's) funeral.

He claimed he couldn't get off his work, but I know he recently took off a weekend to go out with his friends to a concert so I highly doubt such was a problem.

How would you handle this issue?

[Anonymous]

I have a 20 yr old and a 23 yr old. I would say "I'm disappointed that you weren't there."

Then I'd drop it. He can't go back and fix it, and for all you know, he couldn't get off work BECAUSE he recently took off that weekend for the concert, and it's over.

[Anonymous]

Twentysomething men (boys) are assholes. My nephew is the prime example.

[Anonymous]

He's an adult. His choice. You don't need to handle anything.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. That must hurt he may regret that when he's older and more mature. And I'm sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

If he recently took off for the concert, he may not be able to take off again so soon. He did not anticipate/know that he would have to take off again so soon. That sucks but if he is working retail/pizza type job, that's not within his power.

Tell him you are disappointed but he is an adult. You can't make him go. And you certainly can't punish him.

Ask him to visit the grave. And OP -- doesn't the fact that he's a responsible employee count? I think that's actually pretty fabulous.

BTW, my 20 year old brother was traveling in Europe when my grandfather died. The family understood. These things happen.

[Anonymous]

Refusing to go is different from not being able.

Refusing to go sounds like this: "No, I'm not going. I don't care! I'm not even going to bother asking for time off because I don't want to go."

Not able to go sounds like this: "I can't go. The boss won't let me take any more weekends off after going to that concert 2 weeks ago. I'll lose my job."

Which sounds more like your son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's an adult. His choice. You don't need to handle anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 20 yr old and a 23 yr old. I would say "I'm disappointed that you weren't there."

Then I'd drop it. He can't go back and fix it, and for all you know, he couldn't get off work BECAUSE he recently took off that weekend for the concert, and it's over.

This. You "doubt" that he couldn't get the time off, but maybe he actually couldn't. So you can call him a liar or you can simply say that you wish he could have come and are sorry he couldn't make it, and then let it go.

[Anonymous]

Not much you can do about it, except make it clear that everybody will expect to see him there and will be disappointed.

[Anonymous]

Ditto the PPs who note that it is perfectly reasonable that he wouldn't be able to get time off work.

Are there any funeral-related events he can attend? If he has to work at the time of the actual funeral, can he attend the viewing (if you are having one) the night before or any post-funeral gathering?

Otherwise, I'd ask him to find a time when you could go together to visit your mom's grave.

[Anonymous]

And he may have already used the funeral excuse for the concert.

[Anonymous]

When I was about your son's age I didn't make the effort to travel to attend my grandmother's 80th birthday. I still regret it. We were close and I loved her but at that point in my life I was in the depths of selfishness. I think you need to let it be Mom, but it's OK to let your son know that you're disappointed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Refusing to go is different from not being able.

Refusing to go sounds like this: "No, I'm not going. I don't care! I'm not even going to bother asking for time off because I don't want to go."

Not able to go sounds like this: "I can't go. The boss won't let me take any more weekends off after going to that concert 2 weeks ago. I'll lose my job."

Which sounds more like your son?

+1

You know your child's character better than we do, so which of these sounds more likely to you? If it's the latter, then accept that he would be there if he could and don't hold it against him. If it's the former, well, that's a bigger issue of character beyond just this funeral. Keep in mind, however, that he's only 21, and likely still has a bit of maturing to do. Ten years from now, he might feel differently about things.

As for what you can do, not much. He's an adult now, you can't exactly ground him and take away his Xbox. All you can do is adjust your expectations of him based on what you know of her character and obligations.

[Anonymous]

I choose not to go to my grandfather's funeral. And I didn't have any scheduling conflict. I was 18. I'm middle-aged now. I think my decision was a good one. I didn't want to remember my grandfather that way. He was my closest relative. Please understand not everyone feels like you do re: funerals. I have since buried several family members with big elaborate funerals which I attended and was an important part of. I still feel that, when someone prefers, they should not be expected to attend a funeral. And it has absolutely no connection to the love/respect they have the deceased or the loved ones left behind.

That said, DC probably couldn't get the time off without some sacrifice which you don't relate to.

Get off your high horse.. Love your loved-ones. They love you unless you push them away.

And, by the way, you need to respect your DC
DC is an adult. It's their decision. Completely.