DS (21) Refused to go to grandmother's funeral

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is 21. He is an adult. A responsible one at that it seems since he's got a job and seems to be taking care of himself...? Either way, it is his choice. Not only do you have no say in his decision, you should also stop assuming you still get to tell him what to do. If he doesn't want to go to a funeral, he doesn't go. His reasons are his and his only. Don't judge. You can let him know that you are disappointed. You can let him know you missed him there. That you are sad. Whatever you are feeling, you can tell him. I think you should. But get over "I'm your Mom, I told you to go so I expect you to go." That is over.

Where in the OP's post does she imply that she thinks she has a "say" in this decision? She is upset that her son chose to skip her mother's funeral. And I don't blame her one bit, frankly. And yes, I would judge that. Actions have consequences. If he doesn't want to go, fine, it's his decision… but he also needs to accept that a lot of people, including his mother, will think it's a shitty thing to do.

[Anonymous]

"Refuses" implies the son was told what to do and didn't do it.

[Anonymous]

"She is upset that her son chose to skip her mother's funeral. And I don't blame her one bit, frankly. And yes, I would judge that. Actions have consequences. If he doesn't want to go, fine, it's his decision… but he also needs to accept that a lot of people, including his mother, will think it's a shitty thing to do. "

So, what? Life goes on.

[Anonymous]

Know that many people so not think funeral attendance is important or a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is 21. He is an adult. A responsible one at that it seems since he's got a job and seems to be taking care of himself...? Either way, it is his choice. Not only do you have no say in his decision, you should also stop assuming you still get to tell him what to do. If he doesn't want to go to a funeral, he doesn't go. His reasons are his and his only. Don't judge. You can let him know that you are disappointed. You can let him know you missed him there. That you are sad. Whatever you are feeling, you can tell him. I think you should. But get over "I'm your Mom, I told you to go so I expect you to go." That is over.

Where in the OP's post does she imply that she thinks she has a "say" in this decision? She is upset that her son chose to skip her mother's funeral. And I don't blame her one bit, frankly. And yes, I would judge that. Actions have consequences. If he doesn't want to go, fine, it's his decision… but he also needs to accept that a lot of people, including his mother, will think it's a shitty thing to do.

No. Actually he doesn't. He needs to tolerate it, sure. But accept it? No. Nobody has the right to judge his decision. The fact that people still do is sad. People always judge, I have to expect that. Tolerate that. But accepting it means accepting that they have a reason to think that way. And that's just not true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Know that many people so not think funeral attendance is important or a good thing.

Know that many people think it is important and that it is important to support the people you love who are grieving.

So there you have it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is 21. He is an adult. A responsible one at that it seems since he's got a job and seems to be taking care of himself...? Either way, it is his choice. Not only do you have no say in his decision, you should also stop assuming you still get to tell him what to do. If he doesn't want to go to a funeral, he doesn't go. His reasons are his and his only. Don't judge. You can let him know that you are disappointed. You can let him know you missed him there. That you are sad. Whatever you are feeling, you can tell him. I think you should. But get over "I'm your Mom, I told you to go so I expect you to go." That is over.

Where in the OP's post does she imply that she thinks she has a "say" in this decision? She is upset that her son chose to skip her mother's funeral. And I don't blame her one bit, frankly. And yes, I would judge that. Actions have consequences. If he doesn't want to go, fine, it's his decision… but he also needs to accept that a lot of people, including his mother, will think it's a shitty thing to do.

No. Actually he doesn't. He needs to tolerate it, sure. But accept it? No. Nobody has the right to judge his decision. The fact that people still do is sad. People always judge, I have to expect that. Tolerate that. But accepting it means accepting that they have a reason to think that way. And that's just not true.

I have the right to judge anything I want to judge. What does this even mean? Sorry, but I don't go through life thinking that everyone can do whatever they want whenever they want, other people's feelings be damned. I actually think that the feelings of the people I love are important. If the OP's son had a more compelling reason than "I can't get off of work" (which, frankly, is a pretty dubious assertion), I would feel differently. Or even if he owned the decision rather than blaming his boss, I would have more respect for it. But he didn't. So yes, I have " a reason to think that way." You might not agree with it and that's certainly your prerogative. The idea that no one should judge any behavior, ever, is adolescent thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is 21. He is an adult. A responsible one at that it seems since he's got a job and seems to be taking care of himself...? Either way, it is his choice. Not only do you have no say in his decision, you should also stop assuming you still get to tell him what to do. If he doesn't want to go to a funeral, he doesn't go. His reasons are his and his only. Don't judge. You can let him know that you are disappointed. You can let him know you missed him there. That you are sad. Whatever you are feeling, you can tell him. I think you should. But get over "I'm your Mom, I told you to go so I expect you to go." That is over.

Where in the OP's post does she imply that she thinks she has a "say" in this decision? She is upset that her son chose to skip her mother's funeral. And I don't blame her one bit, frankly. And yes, I would judge that. Actions have consequences. If he doesn't want to go, fine, it's his decision… but he also needs to accept that a lot of people, including his mother, will think it's a shitty thing to do.

No. Actually he doesn't. He needs to tolerate it, sure. But accept it? No. Nobody has the right to judge his decision. The fact that people still do is sad. People always judge, I have to expect that. Tolerate that. But accepting it means accepting that they have a reason to think that way. And that's just not true.

I have the right to judge anything I want to judge. What does this even mean? Sorry, but I don't go through life thinking that everyone can do whatever they want whenever they want, other people's feelings be damned. I actually think that the feelings of the people I love are important. If the OP's son had a more compelling reason than "I can't get off of work" (which, frankly, is a pretty dubious assertion), I would feel differently. Or even if he owned the decision rather than blaming his boss, I would have more respect for it. But he didn't. So yes, I have " a reason to think that way." You might not agree with it and that's certainly your prerogative. The idea that no one should judge any behavior, ever, is adolescent thinking.

Besides being judged, what are the negative consequences for the son's behavior?

[Anonymous]

I use the work excuse to get out of things. Always works

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is 21. He is an adult. A responsible one at that it seems since he's got a job and seems to be taking care of himself...? Either way, it is his choice. Not only do you have no say in his decision, you should also stop assuming you still get to tell him what to do. If he doesn't want to go to a funeral, he doesn't go. His reasons are his and his only. Don't judge. You can let him know that you are disappointed. You can let him know you missed him there. That you are sad. Whatever you are feeling, you can tell him. I think you should. But get over "I'm your Mom, I told you to go so I expect you to go." That is over.

Where in the OP's post does she imply that she thinks she has a "say" in this decision? She is upset that her son chose to skip her mother's funeral. And I don't blame her one bit, frankly. And yes, I would judge that. Actions have consequences. If he doesn't want to go, fine, it's his decision… but he also needs to accept that a lot of people, including his mother, will think it's a shitty thing to do.

No. Actually he doesn't. He needs to tolerate it, sure. But accept it? No. Nobody has the right to judge his decision. The fact that people still do is sad. People always judge, I have to expect that. Tolerate that. But accepting it means accepting that they have a reason to think that way. And that's just not true.

I have the right to judge anything I want to judge. What does this even mean? Sorry, but I don't go through life thinking that everyone can do whatever they want whenever they want, other people's feelings be damned. I actually think that the feelings of the people I love are important. If the OP's son had a more compelling reason than "I can't get off of work" (which, frankly, is a pretty dubious assertion), I would feel differently. Or even if he owned the decision rather than blaming his boss, I would have more respect for it. But he didn't. So yes, I have " a reason to think that way." You might not agree with it and that's certainly your prerogative. The idea that no one should judge any behavior, ever, is adolescent thinking.

Besides being judged, what are the negative consequences for the son's behavior?

NP here. I would think less of him as a person. I would assume he is selfish, uncaring, and inconsiderate. Those are pretty real consequences.

[Anonymous]

other people's feelings be damned

WRONG. It doesn't mean he loves you less - just because he doesn't do what YOU want.

[Anonymous]

eh, lots of people don't value funerals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is 21. He is an adult. A responsible one at that it seems since he's got a job and seems to be taking care of himself...? Either way, it is his choice. Not only do you have no say in his decision, you should also stop assuming you still get to tell him what to do. If he doesn't want to go to a funeral, he doesn't go. His reasons are his and his only. Don't judge. You can let him know that you are disappointed. You can let him know you missed him there. That you are sad. Whatever you are feeling, you can tell him. I think you should. But get over "I'm your Mom, I told you to go so I expect you to go." That is over.

Where in the OP's post does she imply that she thinks she has a "say" in this decision? She is upset that her son chose to skip her mother's funeral. And I don't blame her one bit, frankly. And yes, I would judge that. Actions have consequences. If he doesn't want to go, fine, it's his decision… but he also needs to accept that a lot of people, including his mother, will think it's a shitty thing to do.

No. Actually he doesn't. He needs to tolerate it, sure. But accept it? No. Nobody has the right to judge his decision. The fact that people still do is sad. People always judge, I have to expect that. Tolerate that. But accepting it means accepting that they have a reason to think that way. And that's just not true.

I have the right to judge anything I want to judge. What does this even mean? Sorry, but I don't go through life thinking that everyone can do whatever they want whenever they want, other people's feelings be damned. I actually think that the feelings of the people I love are important. If the OP's son had a more compelling reason than "I can't get off of work" (which, frankly, is a pretty dubious assertion), I would feel differently. Or even if he owned the decision rather than blaming his boss, I would have more respect for it. But he didn't. So yes, I have " a reason to think that way." You might not agree with it and that's certainly your prerogative. The idea that no one should judge any behavior, ever, is adolescent thinking.

Besides being judged, what are the negative consequences for the son's behavior?

NP here. I would think less of him as a person. I would assume he is selfish, uncaring, and inconsiderate. Those are pretty real consequences.

He's not a mind reader, so why would he care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is 21. He is an adult. A responsible one at that it seems since he's got a job and seems to be taking care of himself...? Either way, it is his choice. Not only do you have no say in his decision, you should also stop assuming you still get to tell him what to do. If he doesn't want to go to a funeral, he doesn't go. His reasons are his and his only. Don't judge. You can let him know that you are disappointed. You can let him know you missed him there. That you are sad. Whatever you are feeling, you can tell him. I think you should. But get over "I'm your Mom, I told you to go so I expect you to go." That is over.

Where in the OP's post does she imply that she thinks she has a "say" in this decision? She is upset that her son chose to skip her mother's funeral. And I don't blame her one bit, frankly. And yes, I would judge that. Actions have consequences. If he doesn't want to go, fine, it's his decision… but he also needs to accept that a lot of people, including his mother, will think it's a shitty thing to do.

No. Actually he doesn't. He needs to tolerate it, sure. But accept it? No. Nobody has the right to judge his decision. The fact that people still do is sad. People always judge, I have to expect that. Tolerate that. But accepting it means accepting that they have a reason to think that way. And that's just not true.

I have the right to judge anything I want to judge. What does this even mean? Sorry, but I don't go through life thinking that everyone can do whatever they want whenever they want, other people's feelings be damned. I actually think that the feelings of the people I love are important. If the OP's son had a more compelling reason than "I can't get off of work" (which, frankly, is a pretty dubious assertion), I would feel differently. Or even if he owned the decision rather than blaming his boss, I would have more respect for it. But he didn't. So yes, I have " a reason to think that way." You might not agree with it and that's certainly your prerogative. The idea that no one should judge any behavior, ever, is adolescent thinking.

Besides being judged, what are the negative consequences for the son's behavior?

NP here. I would think less of him as a person. I would assume he is selfish, uncaring, and inconsiderate. Those are pretty real consequences.

He's not a mind reader, so why would he care?

Who knows whether or not he cares? I'd guess he'd care very little. However, the PP is arguing that no one has "the right" to judge him, which is BS.

I have the right to judge, or think less if him. He has the right to not give a damn. Whatever. Personally, I wouldn't want my family thinking I'm a jerk, but I'm not OP's son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is 21. He is an adult. A responsible one at that it seems since he's got a job and seems to be taking care of himself...? Either way, it is his choice. Not only do you have no say in his decision, you should also stop assuming you still get to tell him what to do. If he doesn't want to go to a funeral, he doesn't go. His reasons are his and his only. Don't judge. You can let him know that you are disappointed. You can let him know you missed him there. That you are sad. Whatever you are feeling, you can tell him. I think you should. But get over "I'm your Mom, I told you to go so I expect you to go." That is over.

Where in the OP's post does she imply that she thinks she has a "say" in this decision? She is upset that her son chose to skip her mother's funeral. And I don't blame her one bit, frankly. And yes, I would judge that. Actions have consequences. If he doesn't want to go, fine, it's his decision… but he also needs to accept that a lot of people, including his mother, will think it's a shitty thing to do.

No. Actually he doesn't. He needs to tolerate it, sure. But accept it? No. Nobody has the right to judge his decision. The fact that people still do is sad. People always judge, I have to expect that. Tolerate that. But accepting it means accepting that they have a reason to think that way. And that's just not true.

I have the right to judge anything I want to judge. What does this even mean? Sorry, but I don't go through life thinking that everyone can do whatever they want whenever they want, other people's feelings be damned. I actually think that the feelings of the people I love are important. If the OP's son had a more compelling reason than "I can't get off of work" (which, frankly, is a pretty dubious assertion), I would feel differently. Or even if he owned the decision rather than blaming his boss, I would have more respect for it. But he didn't. So yes, I have " a reason to think that way." You might not agree with it and that's certainly your prerogative. The idea that no one should judge any behavior, ever, is adolescent thinking.

Besides being judged, what are the negative consequences for the son's behavior?

Assuming "consequences" in the sense of "results" and not necessarily "punitive actions against the person", off the top of my head depending on the exact situation and family dynamic, possibly:

-OP (DS's mother) was hoping for emotional support from a close family member at a tough time for her and did not receive any from her son. Negative for her, and if I let down my parent or other close person seeking support from me in this way I personally would consider that a negative.
- DS's absence was emotionally hurtful in some way to grieving family members
- DS missed a chance for family bonding and mutual support
- If the excuse seemed dubious, perhaps a loss of implicit trust in DS's word.
- Family members who assumed he would be present have reason to believe that perhaps the priority he places on family events differs from the priority they place on the same. While this is his choice, it's not unreasonable to think that relatives would alter expectations of and interactions with someone based on that interaction.
- As an example based off of the point immediately above, in my family this would make it pretty hard to trust the person as a reliable member of the main family line (if he were only peripherally related to the deceased that would be different) and thus he would likely be slated for fewer familial responsibilities, confidences, or privileges in the future.

So, at least a few negatives that I hope OP's DS at least took the time to weigh and consider before coming to his decision. It's not one any of my family members would have made but as an adult it is his prerogative to make his own decisions and his responsibility to stand behind them and accept results whether positive, neutral, or negative, stemming from the choices he makes.