DS (21) Refused to go to grandmother's funeral

[Anonymous]

I've chosen not to go to funerals and nobody has judged me for it. I missed a Grandmother's funeral and have never regretted it, and nobody held it against me.

My parents won't have funerals, and I don't know that I will have much of one. I would personally prefer to go to the grave site later and grieve privately.

DS (24) may or may not be able to get time off even for a funeral. I won't put pressure on him to be there.

[Anonymous]

Submit to soon..

OP, I am sorry for your loss. I can't imagine it myself even though I know it will eventually happen.

[Anonymous]

OP here:

Thanks to the people who said kind words.

The cousins are not off the hook. I think most people were appalled at how few of them showed up. I know it really saddened my father, who planned the funeral expecting that of course their grandkids would show up.

I've let DS know how much his actions hurt both me, and more importantly the rest of the family and he has just repeated that he couldn't get off work.

Honestly, after talking to DH I think we will be lowering the level of support we give DS as he finishes up college. If the money from his job is more important then his grandma's funeral, I guess he can use it productively.

(Before everyone jumps down my throat, he has the ~10k from his grandparents in a savings account, plus more then $3000 in his personal account, so he is not going to be homeless. Plus a couple hundred in cash, at least, according to him).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've chosen not to go to funerals and nobody has judged me for it. I missed a Grandmother's funeral and have never regretted it, and nobody held it against me.

My parents won't have funerals, and I don't know that I will have much of one. I would personally prefer to go to the grave site later and grieve privately.

DS (24) may or may not be able to get time off even for a funeral. I won't put pressure on him to be there.

Sounds like you come from a family that isn't religious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

Thanks to the people who said kind words.

The cousins are not off the hook. I think most people were appalled at how few of them showed up. I know it really saddened my father, who planned the funeral expecting that of course their grandkids would show up.

I've let DS know how much his actions hurt both me, and more importantly the rest of the family and he has just repeated that he couldn't get off work.

Honestly, after talking to DH I think we will be lowering the level of support we give DS as he finishes up college. If the money from his job is more important then his grandma's funeral, I guess he can use it productively.

(Before everyone jumps down my throat, he has the ~10k from his grandparents in a savings account, plus more then $3000 in his personal account, so he is not going to be homeless. Plus a couple hundred in cash, at least, according to him).

OP - I have attended many funerals because I WAS RAISED TO ATTEND THEM to honor the dead and support the survivors. Since so many of the grandchildren didn't show up, I must wonder how they were raised, including your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

Thanks to the people who said kind words.

The cousins are not off the hook. I think most people were appalled at how few of them showed up. I know it really saddened my father, who planned the funeral expecting that of course their grandkids would show up.

I've let DS know how much his actions hurt both me, and more importantly the rest of the family and he has just repeated that he couldn't get off work.

Honestly, after talking to DH I think we will be lowering the level of support we give DS as he finishes up college. If the money from his job is more important then his grandma's funeral, I guess he can use it productively.

(Before everyone jumps down my throat, he has the ~10k from his grandparents in a savings account, plus more then $3000 in his personal account, so he is not going to be homeless. Plus a couple hundred in cash, at least, according to him).

Unfortunately, many children are raised nowadays to think that their needs take priority over anyone else's, including their parents'. We so want them to succeed in this competitive world that every hour must be spent towards acheiving that goal, from the time they are preschoolers.


OP - I have attended many funerals because I WAS RAISED TO ATTEND THEM to honor the dead and support the survivors. Since so many of the grandchildren didn't show up, I must wonder how they were raised, including your son.

[Anonymous]

OP, you may be completely right about your son's conduct.

What is striking here, however, is the level of your anger about his missing the funeral. It is extreme.

Do you think you are channeling your grief about your loss into this issue? Because it sounds to me that it is easier for you to feel rage over this than it is to feel grief. This is not the way to spend your mental real estate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

Thanks to the people who said kind words.

The cousins are not off the hook. I think most people were appalled at how few of them showed up. I know it really saddened my father, who planned the funeral expecting that of course their grandkids would show up.

I've let DS know how much his actions hurt both me, and more importantly the rest of the family and he has just repeated that he couldn't get off work.

Honestly, after talking to DH I think we will be lowering the level of support we give DS as he finishes up college. If the money from his job is more important then his grandma's funeral, I guess he can use it productively.

(Before everyone jumps down my throat, he has the ~10k from his grandparents in a savings account, plus more then $3000 in his personal account, so he is not going to be homeless. Plus a couple hundred in cash, at least, according to him).

You are wise to allow logical consequences.
Most kids are severely deprived in that department.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

Thanks to the people who said kind words.

The cousins are not off the hook. I think most people were appalled at how few of them showed up. I know it really saddened my father, who planned the funeral expecting that of course their grandkids would show up.

I've let DS know how much his actions hurt both me, and more importantly the rest of the family and he has just repeated that he couldn't get off work.

Honestly, after talking to DH I think we will be lowering the level of support we give DS as he finishes up college. If the money from his job is more important then his grandma's funeral, I guess he can use it productively.

(Before everyone jumps down my throat, he has the ~10k from his grandparents in a savings account, plus more then $3000 in his personal account, so he is not going to be homeless. Plus a couple hundred in cash, at least, according to him).

OP - I have attended many funerals because I WAS RAISED TO ATTEND THEM to honor the dead and support the survivors. Since so many of the grandchildren didn't show up, I must wonder how they were raised, including your son.

I flew 3,000 for one grandparent's funeral and 10,000 miles for the next one. I spent hours on a pay phone in Africa trying to figure out how to use miles and get there ASAP. It was really important to me. I had also just started a new job and was on my vacation before starting. I was 30. They just meant that much to me. My boss was very understanding, which helped a lot, and I busted my ass upon return so she knew I honored my committments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

\ for all you know, he couldn't get off work BECAUSE he recently took off that weekend for the concert, and it's over.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

Thanks to the people who said kind words.

The cousins are not off the hook. I think most people were appalled at how few of them showed up. I know it really saddened my father, who planned the funeral expecting that of course their grandkids would show up.

I've let DS know how much his actions hurt both me, and more importantly the rest of the family and he has just repeated that he couldn't get off work.

Honestly, after talking to DH I think we will be lowering the level of support we give DS as he finishes up college. If the money from his job is more important then his grandma's funeral, I guess he can use it productively.

(Before everyone jumps down my throat, he has the ~10k from his grandparents in a savings account, plus more then $3000 in his personal account, so he is not going to be homeless. Plus a couple hundred in cash, at least, according to him).

You are wise to allow logical consequences.
Most kids are severely deprived in that department.

+1000

[Anonymous]

OP, when I was in college (10+ years ago) I missed my Granfather's funeral. I regret it to this day.

Thing is, I could not go. I had a shitty job that I may have been able to get out of for the weekend. But I learned about his passing five days before the funeral, and learned the date of it three days before. It was not possible to suddenly drop everything and fly down on such short notice.

Luckily, my family was very supportive. My grandmother told me, when I called to offer my condolences, that she completely understood I would have been there if I could, but she planned the funeral so quick afterwards for a reason (so she wasn't mourning for a month until it happened, and it could be over with).

It didn't mean that I "didn't fucking care" about my grandfather, I loved him. It didn't mean I didn't regret not being there, I still do. But maybe cut your son some slack? The fact that so few of his cousins showed up suggests to me that maybe there was more to this then just him saying "Fuck it." Maybe they didn't have much notice, or maybe his/their relationship with his/their grandfather as you thought.

To cut financial support seems like a drastic action to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, when I was in college (10+ years ago) I missed my Granfather's funeral. I regret it to this day.

Thing is, I could not go. I had a shitty job that I may have been able to get out of for the weekend. But I learned about his passing five days before the funeral, and learned the date of it three days before. It was not possible to suddenly drop everything and fly down on such short notice.

Luckily, my family was very supportive. My grandmother told me, when I called to offer my condolences, that she completely understood I would have been there if I could, but she planned the funeral so quick afterwards for a reason (so she wasn't mourning for a month until it happened, and it could be over with).

It didn't mean that I "didn't fucking care" about my grandfather, I loved him. It didn't mean I didn't regret not being there, I still do. But maybe cut your son some slack? The fact that so few of his cousins showed up suggests to me that maybe there was more to this then just him saying "Fuck it." Maybe they didn't have much notice, or maybe his/their relationship with his/their grandfather as you thought.

To cut financial support seems like a drastic action to me.

It's not drastic given what he has currently in the bank combined with his ability to work. He'll be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, when I was in college (10+ years ago) I missed my Granfather's funeral. I regret it to this day.

Thing is, I could not go. I had a shitty job that I may have been able to get out of for the weekend. But I learned about his passing five days before the funeral, and learned the date of it three days before. It was not possible to suddenly drop everything and fly down on such short notice.

Luckily, my family was very supportive. My grandmother told me, when I called to offer my condolences, that she completely understood I would have been there if I could, but she planned the funeral so quick afterwards for a reason (so she wasn't mourning for a month until it happened, and it could be over with).

It didn't mean that I "didn't fucking care" about my grandfather, I loved him. It didn't mean I didn't regret not being there, I still do. But maybe cut your son some slack? The fact that so few of his cousins showed up suggests to me that maybe there was more to this then just him saying "Fuck it." Maybe they didn't have much notice, or maybe his/their relationship with his/their grandfather as you thought.

To cut financial support seems like a drastic action to me.

OP, you really need to read the above post. I would wait until your anger and grief calms and then think about the situation. If you still want to cut support, then do so. Maybe it would be best for other reasons, but not so sure missing the grandparent's funeral is one of them, if most of the other cousins didn't come it sounds like there was some kind of disconnect happening there--either among your siblings and their children or the cousins and the grandparents.

I've been treated so badly by my family after my DH missing a family funeral that I pretty much wish now that I had not shown up. If you cut financial support over this issue, your son may not come crying back to you like you want. It may just create a permanent rift and he may be just as happy to go his own way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when I was in college (10+ years ago) I missed my Granfather's funeral. I regret it to this day.

Thing is, I could not go. I had a shitty job that I may have been able to get out of for the weekend. But I learned about his passing five days before the funeral, and learned the date of it three days before. It was not possible to suddenly drop everything and fly down on such short notice.

Luckily, my family was very supportive. My grandmother told me, when I called to offer my condolences, that she completely understood I would have been there if I could, but she planned the funeral so quick afterwards for a reason (so she wasn't mourning for a month until it happened, and it could be over with).

It didn't mean that I "didn't fucking care" about my grandfather, I loved him. It didn't mean I didn't regret not being there, I still do. But maybe cut your son some slack? The fact that so few of his cousins showed up suggests to me that maybe there was more to this then just him saying "Fuck it." Maybe they didn't have much notice, or maybe his/their relationship with his/their grandfather as you thought.

To cut financial support seems like a drastic action to me.

OP, you really need to read the above post. I would wait until your anger and grief calms and then think about the situation. If you still want to cut support, then do so. Maybe it would be best for other reasons, but not so sure missing the grandparent's funeral is one of them, if most of the other cousins didn't come it sounds like there was some kind of disconnect happening there--either among your siblings and their children or the cousins and the grandparents.

I've been treated so badly by my family after my DH missing a family funeral that I pretty much wish now that I had not shown up. If you cut financial support over this issue, your son may not come crying back to you like you want. It may just create a permanent rift and he may be just as happy to go his own way.

Pp, you are projecting the dysfunction of your own family onto OP's. There is no indication that their relationship is so bad that the son would cut off all contact after this incident.