DS (21) Refused to go to grandmother's funeral

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What you do is go to the funeral.
If you must say anything to him you say "I'm sorry you can't make it I wish you could."
And that's it.


Disappointment speeches and guilt trips are inappropriate.

As others have pointed out people grieve very differently I could not attend my grandma's funeral. losing her was devastating, but worse than that was my judgmental family members who pushed me to grieve their way.

Sorry for your loss.

I think it's completely appropriate to say more than merely "sorry you can't make it..." This is a good opportunity for the son to learn that his actions affect others, and that some things you just power through and do for the sake of your family.

[Anonymous]

Op, you are the one that looks bad here.

If he doesn't want to go to a funeral, that's not a "wrong" or "bad" decision.

[Anonymous]

I missed my grandmother's funeral for several reasons (strained relationship, difficult pregnancy, travel requirements) my mom was incredibly angry but held it in and it became a huge blowup later which really strained our relationship. I don't regret not going to the funeral but I do regret the fight with my mother. So my advice would be to not let this fester.

[Anonymous]

OP. Why do you care whether your child attends?

Is it appearances? A relationship with your mother you wish he had? A need to have your child with you on this day to help take care of you because you are sad?

If it is the third one, then I would say something direct and only once. If it is another reason, I would say less.

(As for taking off work, perhaps he can't because he just did? You don't know the real story there, so don't assume anything.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. Why do you care whether your child attends?

Is it appearances? A relationship with your mother you wish he had? A need to have your child with you on this day to help take care of you because you are sad?

If it is the third one, then I would say something direct and only once. If it is another reason, I would say less.

(As for taking off work, perhaps he can't because he just did? You don't know the real story there, so don't assume anything.)

Is this really a question?

Some of the answers in this thread are insane. SMDH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funerals are strange. I mean the person has passed away, they don't know if you are there or not. A simple celebration of life or family get together is so much better. I don't go to formal funerals unless they are for a member of the military.

Funerals are for the living. They are an important ritual and milestone for many of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Funerals are strange. I mean the person has passed away, they don't know if you are there or not. A simple celebration of life or family get together is so much better. I don't go to formal funerals unless they are for a member of the military.

Funerals are for the living. They are an important ritual and milestone for many of us.

I used to not understand the importance of going to a funeral/memorial. I thought, the person is dead, they don't care if I show. Then when I was in my late 20s, a college of mine's dad died, and she asked me to go to her dad's funeral. I thought, "why? I never met the man!" And my (older) boss set me straight that this has nothing to do with the dead, and everything to do with my friend. He said when his mom died, he remembered who was there and who was not, and it can be surprising at times. You bond mentally with those who showed up--because they showed up for you.

My dad died in 2001, and I will never forget this family that we didn't know that well, that showed up. It changed my feeling, in a permanent way, toward them.

I often think about a former friend, who blew me off years ago. About 5 years before she blew me off, her dad (who I had never met) died and I didn't go because, I'd never met him. I often think about this, how I should have gone but I didn't get it. Again, the 20s--the selfish years.

I think I just needed someone to explain this to me, OP--I didn't get it but once someone explained this to me, I got it.

I'd be really upset if my kid didn't go to my one of my parent's funeral because this is my parent, and they need to be there for me, whether or not they liked Grandma Larla or not. Just explain that to your kid.

[Anonymous]

This may not help OP, but for the rest of us:
"Always Go to the Funeral"

http://www.npr.org/2005/08/08/4785079/always-go-to-the-funeral

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you are the one that looks bad here.

If he doesn't want to go to a funeral, that's not a "wrong" or "bad" decision.

I wholeheartedly disagree. Going to the funeral is the decent thing to do. Not going is choosing the easy way out, the lazy way. You always go to the funeral. And your own grandmother! Shame on that kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you are the one that looks bad here.

If he doesn't want to go to a funeral, that's not a "wrong" or "bad" decision.

I wholeheartedly disagree. Going to the funeral is the decent thing to do. Not going is choosing the easy way out, the lazy way. You always go to the funeral. And your own grandmother! Shame on that kid.

Give me a break. This kid may have to choose between his job and the funeral. And he's twenty years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Funerals are strange. I mean the person has passed away, they don't know if you are there or not. A simple celebration of life or family get together is so much better. I don't go to formal funerals unless they are for a member of the military.

Funerals are for the living. They are an important ritual and milestone for many of us.

And to others they are less important. There's nothing wrong with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mother is dead and doesn't care who shows up at her funeral. Maybe you an your son can do something special some other time - such as visit the grave together with flowers.

But the OP cares. Her son should have gone to support his mother. It was a shitty thing to do. Sorry OP.

This! My nephew did this to my sister, knowing that she need his support (she had been my mother's primary caretaker for years) and he couldn't be bothered. It was very hurtful.

[Anonymous]

I can see why the son doesn't want to go. Whole family is probably dysfunctional and overbearing.
My evidence OP coming here wanting to know what she could do to her 21 year old son for not complying with her wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mother is dead and doesn't care who shows up at her funeral. Maybe you an your son can do something special some other time - such as visit the grave together with flowers.

But the OP cares. Her son should have gone to support his mother. It was a shitty thing to do. Sorry OP.

This! My nephew did this to my sister, knowing that she need his support (she had been my mother's primary caretaker for years) and he couldn't be bothered. It was very hurtful.

So is OP willing to provide her son with financial support for as long as he is out of a job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you do is go to the funeral.
If you must say anything to him you say "I'm sorry you can't make it I wish you could."
And that's it.


Disappointment speeches and guilt trips are inappropriate.

As others have pointed out people grieve very differently I could not attend my grandma's funeral. losing her was devastating, but worse than that was my judgmental family members who pushed me to grieve their way.

Sorry for your loss.

I think it's completely appropriate to say more than merely "sorry you can't make it..." This is a good opportunity for the son to learn that his actions affect others, and that some things you just power through and do for the sake of your family.

I'm sure he is well aware his actions affect others. He is 21 not 14.
This is a good opportunity for OP to learn she can't control every action her son makes.
If she wants a shot at attending his future wedding, meeting her grand children, and have her son attend her funeral she should loosen those reigns and stop trying to rule the family with an iron fist and emotional manipulation.