DS (21) Refused to go to grandmother's funeral

[Anonymous]

Hi I am the OP of this thread.

To be honest, when I wrote this I was in a state of grief, and there was other issues at play.

Really, what really makes me sad is how far downhill society has come. Out of 8 or so cousins, only one actually showed up. Back when I was growing up (yes, a long time ago) going to your GRANDMOTHER'S funeral was a non-negotiable. If you had to pay a couple thousand out of pocket, you did it. If your boss was stepping on your balls and saying you would be fired if you went, you god-damn-it went and delivered a few job applications in on the way out of town. If you decided to choose the job (not a good job, literally a fast food job he has part time while going to college) over remembering your grandparent's life, well you were in the wrong.

My parents had set up a trust for his 21st birthday, which just makes it worse. It was enough to fly him out to his grandmother's funeral and deal with housing too, plus a little left over, so it wasn't because 'he couldn't afford it. Even if he didn't have that money, we would have been willing to loan him enough to cover.

As for his relationship with his grandmother, they were not super close. We lived around a 5 and a half hours apart, so we (sadly) did not get to get together that often, but it is the thought that counts.

But apparently I'm just an old fogey, and to not give a fuck about a grandparent's passing anymore. It's kind of sad, isn't it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi I am the OP of this thread.

To be honest, when I wrote this I was in a state of grief, and there was other issues at play.

Really, what really makes me sad is how far downhill society has come. Out of 8 or so cousins, only one actually showed up. Back when I was growing up (yes, a long time ago) going to your GRANDMOTHER'S funeral was a non-negotiable. If you had to pay a couple thousand out of pocket, you did it. If your boss was stepping on your balls and saying you would be fired if you went, you god-damn-it went and delivered a few job applications in on the way out of town. If you decided to choose the job (not a good job, literally a fast food job he has part time while going to college) over remembering your grandparent's life, well you were in the wrong.

My parents had set up a trust for his 21st birthday, which just makes it worse. It was enough to fly him out to his grandmother's funeral and deal with housing too, plus a little left over, so it wasn't because 'he couldn't afford it. Even if he didn't have that money, we would have been willing to loan him enough to cover.

As for his relationship with his grandmother, they were not super close. We lived around a 5 and a half hours apart, so we (sadly) did not get to get together that often, but it is the thought that counts.

But apparently I'm just an old fogey, and to not give a fuck about a grandparent's passing anymore. It's kind of sad, isn't it?

I'm sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi I am the OP of this thread.

To be honest, when I wrote this I was in a state of grief, and there was other issues at play.

Really, what really makes me sad is how far downhill society has come. Out of 8 or so cousins, only one actually showed up. Back when I was growing up (yes, a long time ago) going to your GRANDMOTHER'S funeral was a non-negotiable. If you had to pay a couple thousand out of pocket, you did it. If your boss was stepping on your balls and saying you would be fired if you went, you god-damn-it went and delivered a few job applications in on the way out of town. If you decided to choose the job (not a good job, literally a fast food job he has part time while going to college) over remembering your grandparent's life, well you were in the wrong.

My parents had set up a trust for his 21st birthday, which just makes it worse. It was enough to fly him out to his grandmother's funeral and deal with housing too, plus a little left over, so it wasn't because 'he couldn't afford it. Even if he didn't have that money, we would have been willing to loan him enough to cover.

As for his relationship with his grandmother, they were not super close. We lived around a 5 and a half hours apart, so we (sadly) did not get to get together that often, but it is the thought that counts.

But apparently I'm just an old fogey, and to not give a fuck about a grandparent's passing anymore. It's kind of sad, isn't it?

And in those days, people tended not to move 5 hours away from their parents. People lived closer together, there were stronger intergenerational bonds, and going to a funeral didn't mean taking multiple days off work to travel - more like an afternoon. I appreciate that you're grieving, but please don't pretend that his attitude developed in a vacuum.

[Anonymous]

I put my DH and kids on notice several years ago that I expect them to attend my parents' funerals in another state when the time came. We will cover the expenses of plane fare and hotel. My DH balked for a minute but I reminded him that he would expect the same for his parents and it is important for the family to gather together and pay their respects to these two people who cared for them (and us) and loved them unconditionally.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. I posted above that I would think less of your son for making this decision. I, too, think it's really sad. I mean, it's just what family does for each other, right? I hope you had other sources of comfort and I'm sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi I am the OP of this thread.

To be honest, when I wrote this I was in a state of grief, and there was other issues at play.

Really, what really makes me sad is how far downhill society has come. Out of 8 or so cousins, only one actually showed up. Back when I was growing up (yes, a long time ago) going to your GRANDMOTHER'S funeral was a non-negotiable. If you had to pay a couple thousand out of pocket, you did it. If your boss was stepping on your balls and saying you would be fired if you went, you god-damn-it went and delivered a few job applications in on the way out of town. If you decided to choose the job (not a good job, literally a fast food job he has part time while going to college) over remembering your grandparent's life, well you were in the wrong.

My parents had set up a trust for his 21st birthday, which just makes it worse. It was enough to fly him out to his grandmother's funeral and deal with housing too, plus a little left over, so it wasn't because 'he couldn't afford it. Even if he didn't have that money, we would have been willing to loan him enough to cover.

As for his relationship with his grandmother, they were not super close. We lived around a 5 and a half hours apart, so we (sadly) did not get to get together that often, but it is the thought that counts.

But apparently I'm just an old fogey, and to not give a fuck about a grandparent's passing anymore. It's kind of sad, isn't it?

And in those days, people tended not to move 5 hours away from their parents. People lived closer together, there were stronger intergenerational bonds, and going to a funeral didn't mean taking multiple days off work to travel - more like an afternoon. I appreciate that you're grieving, but please don't pretend that his attitude developed in a vacuum.

It's also much harder for young people to get jobs if they're fired, even at fast food restaurants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

But apparently I'm just an old fogey, and to not give a fuck about a grandparent's passing anymore. It's kind of sad, isn't it?

And in those days, people tended not to move 5 hours away from their parents. People lived closer together, there were stronger intergenerational bonds, and going to a funeral didn't mean taking multiple days off work to travel - more like an afternoon. I appreciate that you're grieving, but please don't pretend that his attitude developed in a vacuum.

It's also much harder for young people to get jobs if they're fired, even at fast food restaurants.

OP, your attitude touched me. My husband teaches, and when my grandmother died (who hated him, btw) he did not take off for the funeral; we lived a 10 hour drive a way and I drove there and made it. All my cousins who lived locally were able to take that couple of hours off from work. But, because my DH did not come, and I did not make it before she died, we were both ostracized for quite a while--and I have become bitter and angry at my family. The same family who encouraged me to go to college, made fun of me when I actually graduated, held it against me when I had to move to find a job. I hate those jerks now. Don't see how it would have made any difference whether I went to the funeral or not, at this point.

Maybe you should talk to your son and tell him how much it hurt you, that you would have liked his support. Or, are you the one who pressured him to get a job somewhere? Or, didn't warn him his grandparent who about to die until it was too late? He is probably immature too. But, just another side of the story.

[Anonymous]

to not give a fuck about a grandparent's passing

This is so unfair of you - because he doesn't choose to go to a funeral.

[Anonymous]

^ agreed.

Many people do not want to go to a funeral.
And they may have adored the person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

to not give a fuck about a grandparent's passing

This is so unfair of you - because he doesn't choose to go to a funeral.

What about the other cousins who didn't show up? Are they off the hook?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

to not give a fuck about a grandparent's passing

This is so unfair of you - because he doesn't choose to go to a funeral.

I agree. This followup just makes me think that OP is more angry the world is changing than the son missing the funeral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

to not give a fuck about a grandparent's passing

This is so unfair of you - because he doesn't choose to go to a funeral.

I agree. This followup just makes me think that OP is more angry the world is changing than the son missing the funeral.

I don't think the world is changing. Perhaps the values in OPs family are changing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ agreed.

Many people do not want to go to a funeral.
And they may have adored the person.

I don't like going to graduations, retirement dinners, baby showers or children's birthday parties but I go anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

to not give a fuck about a grandparent's passing

This is so unfair of you - because he doesn't choose to go to a funeral.

Why is this unfair? Why is the idea that you *show the hell up* so complicated?

When you don't show up people interpret that as you don't care. And whether or not he cared about the grandparents passing, he didn't care enough to show up for his Mom.

Of course he's also young, and young people are generally selfish, and he may just not realize yet that *showing up* matters. Here's hoping he learns, and someday if he gets married and something matters to his wife or kids he'll have learned to show up.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. I understand how hurt you must be, and I think your feelings are well justified. I don't think you can just say, oh, he's young so no big deal. Even hating funerals as a whole is just too damn bad. Deal with it.

My grandfather just passed. All 11 of his grandchildren showed up for the funeral, six of whom live plane rides away (three in college, three young 20s). My 22 year old cousin just moved to CA and started a new job less than a month ago. He came. I'm not aware of anyone even considering not coming. It's just what you do. Not just out of respect for the deceased, but also to be supportive of your parent who just lost their parent.

All of which is to say that I don't buy any of these "excuses" and I think OP sshould tell her son how disappointed she is in him. Maybe put it in a letter so he can really think about it.