DS (21) Refused to go to grandmother's funeral

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Funerals are strange. I mean the person has passed away, they don't know if you are there or not. A simple celebration of life or family get together is so much better. I don't go to formal funerals unless they are for a member of the military.

Funerals are for the living. They are an important ritual and milestone for many of us.

And to others they are less important. There's nothing wrong with that.

Never been to a funeral. Do not regret it.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes you do things because it is the right thing--even if you don't want to do it. You do it because it is the mature thing, the compassionate thing, the respectful thing. It isn't always about you. In this case, it would have been for his mom. Sad that some many on this board only think only of themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes you do things because it is the right thing--even if you don't want to do it. You do it because it is the mature thing, the compassionate thing, the respectful thing. It isn't always about you. In this case, it would have been for his mom. Sad that some many on this board only think only of themselves.

Ridiculous, because the son did not say "i don't want to go" or "I don't care." He said he can't get excused from work so soon after his previous absence. And there is absolutely no credible evidence that he is somehow making this up. This is a mature person who takes his responsibilities seriously -- not someone who thinks only of himself. What if his boss orcoworkers were posting that every week in a row, some kid needed leave for some lousy excuse like his grandmother's funeral -- the week after he went on vacation? You would eat him for lunch!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you are the one that looks bad here.

If he doesn't want to go to a funeral, that's not a "wrong" or "bad" decision.

I wholeheartedly disagree. Going to the funeral is the decent thing to do. Not going is choosing the easy way out, the lazy way. You always go to the funeral. And your own grandmother! Shame on that kid.

Give me a break. This kid may have to choose between his job and the funeral. And he's twenty years old.

There is nothing in OPs post that confirms that. People are just guessing that his job was in jeopardy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes you do things because it is the right thing--even if you don't want to do it. You do it because it is the mature thing, the compassionate thing, the respectful thing. It isn't always about you. In this case, it would have been for his mom. Sad that some many on this board only think only of themselves.

I agree with this. I am 100% in the 'showing up matters' camp. There is no doubt in my mind about that, and the responses from some folks on here make me sad, and cause me to value more the fact that my husband and his family are in this camp with me.

That said, I don't think there is enough information on here to truly judge OPs situation. We simply don't know if OPs son tried to rearrange things with his job and truly couldn't make it work (understandable), or just didn't try because he didn't feel the need to be there (immature and selfish).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes you do things because it is the right thing--even if you don't want to do it. You do it because it is the mature thing, the compassionate thing, the respectful thing. It isn't always about you. In this case, it would have been for his mom. Sad that some many on this board only think only of themselves.

Ridiculous, because the son did not say "i don't want to go" or "I don't care." He said he can't get excused from work so soon after his previous absence. And there is absolutely no credible evidence that he is somehow making this up. This is a mature person who takes his responsibilities seriously -- not someone who thinks only of himself. What if his boss orcoworkers were posting that every week in a row, some kid needed leave for some lousy excuse like his grandmother's funeral -- the week after he went on vacation? You would eat him for lunch!

First of all, HE did not say he couldn't get off so soon after his last absence. People in the thread are simply speculating that.

And second-- for real? His grandmother's funeral is a "lousy excuse?"

Any employer who doesn't let his employee an afternoon off work to go to his grandparent's funeral is a straight-up asshole that I wouldn't want to work for, anyway. And I can't imagine that this 21 year old is so indispensable at his job that he can't get a day off to go to a funeral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes you do things because it is the right thing--even if you don't want to do it. You do it because it is the mature thing, the compassionate thing, the respectful thing. It isn't always about you. In this case, it would have been for his mom. Sad that some many on this board only think only of themselves.

Ridiculous, because the son did not say "i don't want to go" or "I don't care." He said he can't get excused from work so soon after his previous absence. And there is absolutely no credible evidence that he is somehow making this up. This is a mature person who takes his responsibilities seriously -- not someone who thinks only of himself. What if his boss orcoworkers were posting that every week in a row, some kid needed leave for some lousy excuse like his grandmother's funeral -- the week after he went on vacation? You would eat him for lunch!

First of all, HE did not say he couldn't get off so soon after his last absence. People in the thread are simply speculating that.

And second-- for real? His grandmother's funeral is a "lousy excuse?"

Any employer who doesn't let his employee an afternoon off work to go to his grandparent's funeral is a straight-up asshole that I wouldn't want to work for, anyway. And I can't imagine that this 21 year old is so indispensable at his job that he can't get a day off to go to a funeral.

Amen to that! I find it hard to believe he couldn't get time off for his grandmother's funeral. I also wouldn't want to be married to someone who wouldn't go to a funeral. My husband had never been. His parents always went but didn't take the kids. When his best friends Mom died I told him to go. It was outside Philadelpha and I told him he had to go. He did and was happy he did. You go for the living. To comfort them, to say I'm sorry for your loss. That is what decent people do. They show up. Even when it is inconvenient or they are uncomfotable or afraid. He's 21. I think he can muster the courage and go.

[Anonymous]

Well, since OP has not returned since posters suggested that she was taking too hard of a line, I think the camp that felt the son could genuinely not get the day off was on the right track.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, since OP has not returned since posters suggested that she was taking too hard of a line, I think the camp that felt the son could genuinely not get the day off was on the right track.

I don't see how you could draw that conclusion...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, since OP has not returned since posters suggested that she was taking too hard of a line, I think the camp that felt the son could genuinely not get the day off was on the right track.

LOL. Well that's an interesting interpretation.

[Anonymous]

Adults respect each other. They respect each others decisions and do not play the-mommy-guilt-card.

A 21 year old is an adult "Refusing" to go makes him sound like a child. Op, is the one acting immature ordering around an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes you do things because it is the right thing--even if you don't want to do it. You do it because it is the mature thing, the compassionate thing, the respectful thing. It isn't always about you. In this case, it would have been for his mom. Sad that some many on this board only think only of themselves.

Ridiculous, because the son did not say "i don't want to go" or "I don't care." He said he can't get excused from work so soon after his previous absence. And there is absolutely no credible evidence that he is somehow making this up. This is a mature person who takes his responsibilities seriously -- not someone who thinks only of himself. What if his boss orcoworkers were posting that every week in a row, some kid needed leave for some lousy excuse like his grandmother's funeral -- the week after he went on vacation? You would eat him for lunch!

First of all, HE did not say he couldn't get off so soon after his last absence. People in the thread are simply speculating that.

And second-- for real? His grandmother's funeral is a "lousy excuse?"

Any employer who doesn't let his employee an afternoon off work to go to his grandparent's funeral is a straight-up asshole that I wouldn't want to work for, anyway. And I can't imagine that this 21 year old is so indispensable at his job that he can't get a day off to go to a funeral.

No kidding. +1

Funerals are ALWAYS unplanned which means they are sometimes really inconvenient. Employers understand that. I've never had an employer who would have fired me for taking time off for a funeral or even a lesser emergency EVEN IF it was right after a week-long vacation. These things happen, and good bosses know this. They understand that Grandma couldn't plan her death in a way to please all of her relatives' employers. And I'm talking about every job I've had from restaurant and retail to professional. Now, if this is the kid's 5th grandmother to die in the past year, yeah maybe the employer would fire him for taking too much time off work (or for making up stories). But if he's an otherwise upstanding employee, there's no reason he should worry about being fired.

[Anonymous]

23:19 here. I'm having a hard time envisioning a conversation in which an employer refuses to allow somebody to attend their grandmother's funeral.

[Anonymous]

Did they get along?

[Anonymous]

He is 21. He is an adult. A responsible one at that it seems since he's got a job and seems to be taking care of himself...? Either way, it is his choice. Not only do you have no say in his decision, you should also stop assuming you still get to tell him what to do. If he doesn't want to go to a funeral, he doesn't go. His reasons are his and his only. Don't judge. You can let him know that you are disappointed. You can let him know you missed him there. That you are sad. Whatever you are feeling, you can tell him. I think you should. But get over "I'm your Mom, I told you to go so I expect you to go." That is over.