DS (21) Refused to go to grandmother's funeral

[Anonymous]

When I was 21, I resisted going to my grandmother's funeral because it required me to reschedule a law school exam and I was completely freaked out about asking the professor for permission to do so. Looking back at it, it was ridiculous, but at the time, the thought of asking to take the exam at a different time than the rest of the class seemed like a colossal issue. I think being young sometimes makes you unable to think clearly.

[Anonymous]

You can let him know you are disappointed and that you'd like him to be there. But you can't force him. He's 21, he's allowed to make his own choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's an adult. His choice. You don't need to handle anything.

Agree, but he's also a big enough boy that he can then deal with the consequence of having you tell him you were disappointed. I wouldn't talk about it more than once but we don't do things in a bubble, if something we choose to do hurts someone we love (his mother) then it doesn't mean you are free from ever having to hear about or acknowledge that fact/hurt. You shouldn't bring this up over and over or hold it over him- you need to make peace with it and him- but its OK if he knows that you were hurt by it.

I found out that my own dad did something like this- his dying grandmother wanted to see him and he wouldn't go and went only to the calling hours briefly because he "couldn't handle it" and "didn't want to see her like that".

[Anonymous]

Your mother is dead and doesn't care who shows up at her funeral. Maybe you an your son can do something special some other time - such as visit the grave together with flowers.

[Anonymous]

He is an adult, yet too young to understand what a mistake this is.

Share this with him:

http://www.npr.org/2005/08/08/4785079/always-go-to-the-funeral

[Anonymous]

What are your reasons for wanting him to go? To benefit you or him? He's a grown adult, and even if he was still a child and didn't want to go, that should also be respected. Funerals are for the living, not the dead- and you can't tell him how to grieve. I have not gone to funerals before because I don't want to deal with the condolences of others.

[Anonymous]

I couldn't go to either of my grandmothers' funerals. For one, I was studying abroad and couldn't make it home without missing significant coursework and incurring about $2000 extra in airfare. For the other, I had a 6 week old baby and was a FTM who couldn't imagine traveling 6 hours in the winter.

I loved both grandmothers tremendously and certainly grieved their passing (on my own and with my parents on the phone and when I next visited).

Don't hold this over him.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if he was just nervous about it. When my grandfather died I was probably about 15. I tried getting out of going (I was scheduled to work that day). My dad nipped that in the bud - went straight to my boss. My boss looked at me and just told me to go home. I really just didn't want to be in the mix of all the sadness and anxiety and fear. I didn't want the unknown. I didn't like being there and I'm not sure my being there made a difference to anyone (my mom was a wreck and barely noticed me).

[Anonymous]

What you do is go to the funeral.
If you must say anything to him you say "I'm sorry you can't make it I wish you could."
And that's it.


Disappointment speeches and guilt trips are inappropriate.

As others have pointed out people grieve very differently I could not attend my grandma's funeral. losing her was devastating, but worse than that was my judgmental family members who pushed me to grieve their way.

Sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

When my grandmother died, it was hard to have to go to her funeral. I had to since I was the cousin doing the readings. Long standing family drama: My father and his brother were working in a mill type of situation. Another guy there thought all was clear and started the machinery and my uncles arm was not clear. Amputated quite a way up. That turned out to be my Father's fault b/c as the older brother he should have protected little brother.
Then my father had the audacity to join the service, get stationed in VA/DC, meet pretty secretary from the FBI and marry her. A complete 180 from the type he's dated before. So double whammy target of Grandma's wrath with 3 kids to experience fallout. She was a bitter woman with definite favorites among the grandchildren. So when she died, I had no feeling of deep sadness.

[Anonymous]

In our family, we suck it up and go to funerals unless we will literally get fired for taking the day off or if we have a contagious illness that day, so I absolutely get why you are upset about this because it would be nearly unthinkable and very hurtful in our family as well.

That said, this is in the past, and there's really nothing much you can do. If you believe him that he honestly couldn't get off work (not, could with inconvenience, but couldn't and still keep the job) then he made the right choice. Otherwise, all you can do is let him know once how disappointed you are so that hopefully he won't make the same choice in the future.

No sense harping on something that cannot be changed. That will lead to hurt feelings and conflict, for little appreciable benefit.

[Anonymous]

Funerals are strange. I mean the person has passed away, they don't know if you are there or not. A simple celebration of life or family get together is so much better. I don't go to formal funerals unless they are for a member of the military.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funerals are strange. I mean the person has passed away, they don't know if you are there or not. A simple celebration of life or family get together is so much better. I don't go to formal funerals unless they are for a member of the military.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother is dead and doesn't care who shows up at her funeral. Maybe you an your son can do something special some other time - such as visit the grave together with flowers.

But the OP cares. Her son should have gone to support his mother. It was a shitty thing to do. Sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Even a retail or restaurant job would allow somebody time off for a funeral.

At that age, I would have felt so anxious and uncomfortable asking off for the funeral (after having just taken the weekend for a concert), that I might have just let it go too long. Also, I have bad social anxiety, especially around relatives and at funerals or weddings. I could easily see myself not even asking off work, but telling my mom they wouldn't give me any more time off. I was pretty immature at 21. I'd still have the inclination to do the same type of thing today as an adult, but I'm aware of how inappropriate it would be.