Support Group for middle aged husbands not having sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the PP above, yes some people see infidelity as the ultimate evil, right there with murder. And therefore pulling your kids into separate houses, taking them out of their school, depleting college accounts, introduction to step parents are all far better than letting someone touch your genitals.

You are clueless if you think cheating is only about touching your genitals: it's about honesty, trust, character, and respect of others for you. Your kids might think how can my dad treat my mom that way and can he do this to anyone that he at one time cared about including them (the kids) as well? They will see how you handle difficult times in your life and can be more likely to use that solution when they grow up because you are a role model for them (kids of cheaters have higher chance of cheating). Your statement speaks of someone who either doesn't have the capability to really see and analyze an issue or just doesn't want to (critical thinking skills aren't present in your post).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PP above, yes some people see infidelity as the ultimate evil, right there with murder. And therefore pulling your kids into separate houses, taking them out of their school, depleting college accounts, introduction to step parents are all far better than letting someone touch your genitals.

But if that’s all it is, YOU have a hand — YOU touch your genitals! Then you don’t need to “pull your kids into separate houses, take them out of their school, deplete college accounts,” And all that other scary stuff (some of which may never happen!).

Frankly, I’m an adult child of divorce, and was never removed from my school, and my awesome dad paid for my college. And because he never cheated on my mom, I loved and respected him for the remainder of his life. He wound up marrying a terrific lady, and I’m thankful for my stepmom, who is another grandma to my kids.

What the PPs said about using “the kids” as justification for cheating (rather than separating) is spot on. Just acknowledge your selfishness.

I appreciate your perspective. Like most people in my situation, you contemplate divorce and weigh the pros and cons. I am leaning towards it eventually, so maybe it's time to just do it. I can't afford to keep my kids in their school if we are paying for two houses but there is nothing wrong with the local school, and I don't think it's that big of a deal to take a loan for college. If kids would prefer their parents divorce admirably even if it imposes hardship on them, that is what I prefer too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PP above, yes some people see infidelity as the ultimate evil, right there with murder. And therefore pulling your kids into separate houses, taking them out of their school, depleting college accounts, introduction to step parents are all far better than letting someone touch your genitals.

You are clueless if you think cheating is only about touching your genitals: it's about honesty, trust, character, and respect of others for you. Your kids might think how can my dad treat my mom that way and can he do this to anyone that he at one time cared about including them (the kids) as well? They will see how you handle difficult times in your life and can be more likely to use that solution when they grow up because you are a role model for them (kids of cheaters have higher chance of cheating). Your statement speaks of someone who either doesn't have the capability to really see and analyze an issue or just doesn't want to (critical thinking skills aren't present in your post).

Same. I don’t resent my parents for divorcing but if one of them cheated on the other omg. I can’t imagine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PP above, yes some people see infidelity as the ultimate evil, right there with murder. And therefore pulling your kids into separate houses, taking them out of their school, depleting college accounts, introduction to step parents are all far better than letting someone touch your genitals.

You are clueless if you think cheating is only about touching your genitals: it's about honesty, trust, character, and respect of others for you. Your kids might think how can my dad treat my mom that way and can he do this to anyone that he at one time cared about including them (the kids) as well? They will see how you handle difficult times in your life and can be more likely to use that solution when they grow up because you are a role model for them (kids of cheaters have higher chance of cheating). Your statement speaks of someone who either doesn't have the capability to really see and analyze an issue or just doesn't want to (critical thinking skills aren't present in your post).

This is why divorce is honorable and should be encouraged when mom and dad can't find a way to compromise. Kids understand and want their parents to be happy, even if it means they will have more struggles than their friends with intact families.

What is most important is the parents have integrity, and even if the kids have to adjust to new schedules, new step-parents and new addresses, they will appreciate knowing that mom and dad did it to model the right thing to do which is divorce when they can no longer find a way forward.

I agree with all of you that say cheating is never justified and kids will adjust far better to divorce than the discovery that someone cheated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PP above, yes some people see infidelity as the ultimate evil, right there with murder. And therefore pulling your kids into separate houses, taking them out of their school, depleting college accounts, introduction to step parents are all far better than letting someone touch your genitals.

You are clueless if you think cheating is only about touching your genitals: it's about honesty, trust, character, and respect of others for you. Your kids might think how can my dad treat my mom that way and can he do this to anyone that he at one time cared about including them (the kids) as well? They will see how you handle difficult times in your life and can be more likely to use that solution when they grow up because you are a role model for them (kids of cheaters have higher chance of cheating). Your statement speaks of someone who either doesn't have the capability to really see and analyze an issue or just doesn't want to (critical thinking skills aren't present in your post).

Same. I don’t resent my parents for divorcing but if one of them cheated on the other omg. I can’t imagine.

Plus one, I found out my husband's mom cheated on his dad and they worked through it, I suppose they thought it modeled something but I see through it. They should have divorced then and I let him know they still should divorce now over it. Disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PP above, yes some people see infidelity as the ultimate evil, right there with murder. And therefore pulling your kids into separate houses, taking them out of their school, depleting college accounts, introduction to step parents are all far better than letting someone touch your genitals.

You are clueless if you think cheating is only about touching your genitals: it's about honesty, trust, character, and respect of others for you. Your kids might think how can my dad treat my mom that way and can he do this to anyone that he at one time cared about including them (the kids) as well? They will see how you handle difficult times in your life and can be more likely to use that solution when they grow up because you are a role model for them (kids of cheaters have higher chance of cheating). Your statement speaks of someone who either doesn't have the capability to really see and analyze an issue or just doesn't want to (critical thinking skills aren't present in your post).

This is why divorce is honorable and should be encouraged when mom and dad can't find a way to compromise. Kids understand and want their parents to be happy, even if it means they will have more struggles than their friends with intact families.

What is most important is the parents have integrity, and even if the kids have to adjust to new schedules, new step-parents and new addresses, they will appreciate knowing that mom and dad did it to model the right thing to do which is divorce when they can no longer find a way forward.

I agree with all of you that say cheating is never justified and kids will adjust far better to divorce than the discovery that someone cheated.

“My parents’ divorce was honorable. My noble dad, whose life was agony because he wasn’t having as much sex as he wanted, nobly left my mother and his children so he could finally achieve his sexual dreams. We are so proud of him and hope he is having all the sex he wanted when our family was intact. It is totally developmentally appropriate that I - his 11 year-old daughter - care deeply that he isn’t having his sexual needs met and definitely want to spend the remainder of my teenage years traveling between two homes so he can get laid. Ask me how my next five boyfriends will treat me!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PP above, yes some people see infidelity as the ultimate evil, right there with murder. And therefore pulling your kids into separate houses, taking them out of their school, depleting college accounts, introduction to step parents are all far better than letting someone touch your genitals.

You are clueless if you think cheating is only about touching your genitals: it's about honesty, trust, character, and respect of others for you. Your kids might think how can my dad treat my mom that way and can he do this to anyone that he at one time cared about including them (the kids) as well? They will see how you handle difficult times in your life and can be more likely to use that solution when they grow up because you are a role model for them (kids of cheaters have higher chance of cheating). Your statement speaks of someone who either doesn't have the capability to really see and analyze an issue or just doesn't want to (critical thinking skills aren't present in your post).

One more thing: not sure how divorce would deplete their college account. I can see that you would contribute less going forward but how does divorce deplete what's already been accumulated?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PP above, yes some people see infidelity as the ultimate evil, right there with murder. And therefore pulling your kids into separate houses, taking them out of their school, depleting college accounts, introduction to step parents are all far better than letting someone touch your genitals.

You are clueless if you think cheating is only about touching your genitals: it's about honesty, trust, character, and respect of others for you. Your kids might think how can my dad treat my mom that way and can he do this to anyone that he at one time cared about including them (the kids) as well? They will see how you handle difficult times in your life and can be more likely to use that solution when they grow up because you are a role model for them (kids of cheaters have higher chance of cheating). Your statement speaks of someone who either doesn't have the capability to really see and analyze an issue or just doesn't want to (critical thinking skills aren't present in your post).

This is why divorce is honorable and should be encouraged when mom and dad can't find a way to compromise. Kids understand and want their parents to be happy, even if it means they will have more struggles than their friends with intact families.

What is most important is the parents have integrity, and even if the kids have to adjust to new schedules, new step-parents and new addresses, they will appreciate knowing that mom and dad did it to model the right thing to do which is divorce when they can no longer find a way forward.

I agree with all of you that say cheating is never justified and kids will adjust far better to divorce than the discovery that someone cheated.

“My parents’ divorce was honorable. My noble dad, whose life was agony because he wasn’t having as much sex as he wanted, nobly left my mother and his children so he could finally achieve his sexual dreams. We are so proud of him and hope he is having all the sex he wanted when our family was intact. It is totally developmentally appropriate that I - his 11 year-old daughter - care deeply that he isn’t having his sexual needs met and definitely want to spend the remainder of my teenage years traveling between two homes so he can get laid. Ask me how my next five boyfriends will treat me!”

You are being snarky but that is what is required. Kids can endure two homes, reduced finances, step-parents, all of it, but they cannot endure the idea that someone had sex outside the marriage. They will never respect that parent again. Never. They will always respect the parent that pulls the plug on the marriage honorably, and especially if they wait to have sex again until in a stable, committed relationship. Like a second marriage. Just look how happy the adult children are of parents of second marriages. They have spoken loudly how much they appreciate that no one cheated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PP above, yes some people see infidelity as the ultimate evil, right there with murder. And therefore pulling your kids into separate houses, taking them out of their school, depleting college accounts, introduction to step parents are all far better than letting someone touch your genitals.

You are clueless if you think cheating is only about touching your genitals: it's about honesty, trust, character, and respect of others for you. Your kids might think how can my dad treat my mom that way and can he do this to anyone that he at one time cared about including them (the kids) as well? They will see how you handle difficult times in your life and can be more likely to use that solution when they grow up because you are a role model for them (kids of cheaters have higher chance of cheating). Your statement speaks of someone who either doesn't have the capability to really see and analyze an issue or just doesn't want to (critical thinking skills aren't present in your post).

This is why divorce is honorable and should be encouraged when mom and dad can't find a way to compromise. Kids understand and want their parents to be happy, even if it means they will have more struggles than their friends with intact families.

What is most important is the parents have integrity, and even if the kids have to adjust to new schedules, new step-parents and new addresses, they will appreciate knowing that mom and dad did it to model the right thing to do which is divorce when they can no longer find a way forward.

I agree with all of you that say cheating is never justified and kids will adjust far better to divorce than the discovery that someone cheated.

“My parents’ divorce was honorable. My noble dad, whose life was agony because he wasn’t having as much sex as he wanted, nobly left my mother and his children so he could finally achieve his sexual dreams. We are so proud of him and hope he is having all the sex he wanted when our family was intact. It is totally developmentally appropriate that I - his 11 year-old daughter - care deeply that he isn’t having his sexual needs met and definitely want to spend the remainder of my teenage years traveling between two homes so he can get laid. Ask me how my next five boyfriends will treat me!”

It's a fair comment. I guess this means that the dad has to also make sure to put his kids first. after a divorce Unfortunately, it's how these men prioritize things. Maybe it's a good thing that they hear from yours and others' voices so that they understand what they need to do in order to move forward the right way (don't be a selfish a-hole and prioritize kids).

[Anonymous]

There are actually a lot of wives with husbands who don't have sex with them as well. It's not just one sided. I don't really understand why people from either sex marry if they don't want to have sex beyond procreation. It's not what you agreed to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PP above, yes some people see infidelity as the ultimate evil, right there with murder. And therefore pulling your kids into separate houses, taking them out of their school, depleting college accounts, introduction to step parents are all far better than letting someone touch your genitals.

You are clueless if you think cheating is only about touching your genitals: it's about honesty, trust, character, and respect of others for you. Your kids might think how can my dad treat my mom that way and can he do this to anyone that he at one time cared about including them (the kids) as well? They will see how you handle difficult times in your life and can be more likely to use that solution when they grow up because you are a role model for them (kids of cheaters have higher chance of cheating). Your statement speaks of someone who either doesn't have the capability to really see and analyze an issue or just doesn't want to (critical thinking skills aren't present in your post).

This is why divorce is honorable and should be encouraged when mom and dad can't find a way to compromise. Kids understand and want their parents to be happy, even if it means they will have more struggles than their friends with intact families.

What is most important is the parents have integrity, and even if the kids have to adjust to new schedules, new step-parents and new addresses, they will appreciate knowing that mom and dad did it to model the right thing to do which is divorce when they can no longer find a way forward.

I agree with all of you that say cheating is never justified and kids will adjust far better to divorce than the discovery that someone cheated.

“My parents’ divorce was honorable. My noble dad, whose life was agony because he wasn’t having as much sex as he wanted, nobly left my mother and his children so he could finally achieve his sexual dreams. We are so proud of him and hope he is having all the sex he wanted when our family was intact. It is totally developmentally appropriate that I - his 11 year-old daughter - care deeply that he isn’t having his sexual needs met and definitely want to spend the remainder of my teenage years traveling between two homes so he can get laid. Ask me how my next five boyfriends will treat me!”

You are being snarky but that is what is required. Kids can endure two homes, reduced finances, step-parents, all of it, but they cannot endure the idea that someone had sex outside the marriage. They will never respect that parent again. Never. They will always respect the parent that pulls the plug on the marriage honorably, and especially if they wait to have sex again until in a stable, committed relationship. Like a second marriage. Just look how happy the adult children are of parents of second marriages. They have spoken loudly how much they appreciate that no one cheated.

No, I am not pro-cheating. I am making the (obvious?) point that children don’t “understand” divorce “because mom and dad deserve to be happy”. It is literally not developmentally appropriate for children to care more for their parents’ happiness and sexual fulfillment than their own emotional security. A good parenting heuristic: anytime you tell yourself “…but my child will understand”, know that 1. no they won’t and 2. it is only a psychological defense to help you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PP above, yes some people see infidelity as the ultimate evil, right there with murder. And therefore pulling your kids into separate houses, taking them out of their school, depleting college accounts, introduction to step parents are all far better than letting someone touch your genitals.

You are clueless if you think cheating is only about touching your genitals: it's about honesty, trust, character, and respect of others for you. Your kids might think how can my dad treat my mom that way and can he do this to anyone that he at one time cared about including them (the kids) as well? They will see how you handle difficult times in your life and can be more likely to use that solution when they grow up because you are a role model for them (kids of cheaters have higher chance of cheating). Your statement speaks of someone who either doesn't have the capability to really see and analyze an issue or just doesn't want to (critical thinking skills aren't present in your post).

This is why divorce is honorable and should be encouraged when mom and dad can't find a way to compromise. Kids understand and want their parents to be happy, even if it means they will have more struggles than their friends with intact families.

What is most important is the parents have integrity, and even if the kids have to adjust to new schedules, new step-parents and new addresses, they will appreciate knowing that mom and dad did it to model the right thing to do which is divorce when they can no longer find a way forward.

I agree with all of you that say cheating is never justified and kids will adjust far better to divorce than the discovery that someone cheated.

“My parents’ divorce was honorable. My noble dad, whose life was agony because he wasn’t having as much sex as he wanted, nobly left my mother and his children so he could finally achieve his sexual dreams. We are so proud of him and hope he is having all the sex he wanted when our family was intact. It is totally developmentally appropriate that I - his 11 year-old daughter - care deeply that he isn’t having his sexual needs met and definitely want to spend the remainder of my teenage years traveling between two homes so he can get laid. Ask me how my next five boyfriends will treat me!”

You are being snarky but that is what is required. Kids can endure two homes, reduced finances, step-parents, all of it, but they cannot endure the idea that someone had sex outside the marriage. They will never respect that parent again. Never. They will always respect the parent that pulls the plug on the marriage honorably, and especially if they wait to have sex again until in a stable, committed relationship. Like a second marriage. Just look how happy the adult children are of parents of second marriages. They have spoken loudly how much they appreciate that no one cheated.

I don't want to dismiss what the 11 year old said. I think it's fair that she mentioned this. The thing is to see which one is the better of worse options: stay in marriage without cheating and sub optional amount of sex, divorce, cheat. Divorce and cheating prioritize the dad and the stay in marriage prioritizes the kids. Not sure what to say in this situation. Each person has their own values and gives up something in order to get something.

[Anonymous]

“My parents’ divorce was honorable. My noble dad, whose life was agony because he wasn’t having as much sex as he wanted, nobly left my mother and his children so he could finally achieve his sexual dreams. We are so proud of him and hope he is having all the sex he wanted when our family was intact. It is totally developmentally appropriate that I - his 11 year-old daughter - care deeply that he isn’t having his sexual needs met and definitely want to spend the remainder of my teenage years traveling between two homes so he can get laid. Ask me how my next five boyfriends will treat me!”

I know you think that with this snarky reply you’re proving your ultimate point (that cheating on your wife is “better for the kids”), but all I can think about is my job.

I work in law enforcement. As we are instructed in many trainings, the mind’s capacity to rationalize our own bad behavior is incredible. We all want to be the hero in our own stories, and there’s just too much cognitive dissonance when we do “bad things.”

So we contort our logic to “justify” what we know, deep down, are bad acts:

“Everyone else is doing it.”
“My family needed that money I embezzled.”

And in your case:
“I was actually trying to keep my family together by cheating on my wife!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

“My parents’ divorce was honorable. My noble dad, whose life was agony because he wasn’t having as much sex as he wanted, nobly left my mother and his children so he could finally achieve his sexual dreams. We are so proud of him and hope he is having all the sex he wanted when our family was intact. It is totally developmentally appropriate that I - his 11 year-old daughter - care deeply that he isn’t having his sexual needs met and definitely want to spend the remainder of my teenage years traveling between two homes so he can get laid. Ask me how my next five boyfriends will treat me!”

I know you think that with this snarky reply you’re proving your ultimate point (that cheating on your wife is “better for the kids”), but all I can think about is my job.

I work in law enforcement. As we are instructed in many trainings, the mind’s capacity to rationalize our own bad behavior is incredible. We all want to be the hero in our own stories, and there’s just too much cognitive dissonance when we do “bad things.”

So we contort our logic to “justify” what we know, deep down, are bad acts:

“Everyone else is doing it.”
“My family needed that money I embezzled.”

And in your case:
“I was actually trying to keep my family together by cheating on my wife!”

I already said I’m very much opposed to cheating. I was mocking the poster who is balls-deep in the delusion that nuking his marriage over lack of sex will win him a Purple Heart and happy children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

“My parents’ divorce was honorable. My noble dad, whose life was agony because he wasn’t having as much sex as he wanted, nobly left my mother and his children so he could finally achieve his sexual dreams. We are so proud of him and hope he is having all the sex he wanted when our family was intact. It is totally developmentally appropriate that I - his 11 year-old daughter - care deeply that he isn’t having his sexual needs met and definitely want to spend the remainder of my teenage years traveling between two homes so he can get laid. Ask me how my next five boyfriends will treat me!”

I know you think that with this snarky reply you’re proving your ultimate point (that cheating on your wife is “better for the kids”), but all I can think about is my job.

I work in law enforcement. As we are instructed in many trainings, the mind’s capacity to rationalize our own bad behavior is incredible. We all want to be the hero in our own stories, and there’s just too much cognitive dissonance when we do “bad things.”

So we contort our logic to “justify” what we know, deep down, are bad acts:

“Everyone else is doing it.”
“My family needed that money I embezzled.”

And in your case:
“I was actually trying to keep my family together by cheating on my wife!”

The only thing you are missing is that the choice isn't cheating on my wife to save my family vs. not cheating. No one stays sexless forever.

The question is whether its better for your family to discretely meet your needs outside the marriage vs divorcing and all that entails. You feel like its always better for the kids to be subject to divorce rather than having mom or dad find another route. Maybe you are right, I have no idea.

I also know that you don't know what you would do in that situation.