Support Group for middle aged husbands not having sex

[Anonymous]

The Free Childcare and Free Housekeeper Poster from a few weeks ago was correct! Don’t get divorced when you can well up the Family Guy, Great Home facade!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Do not accept a sexless marriage. If she's not interested, declare the marriage open. Problem solved in 15 seconds.

No, we won’t care. Let’s just divorce.

If you are in a sexless marriage and don't care about getting divorced, why not just get divorced?

Well, obviously men care about divorce to some extent or they just would. It's more that when you get to the point you are sexless or near sexless, you know your marriage isn't sustainable so you cheat hoping you pull it off, but if you don't, you are no worse off if you just divorced.

I have been in this situation for 4 years. I could have divorced back then but I would have missed a lot of time with my kids.

NP. Wrong in the bolded. If the cheating is discovered, it affects your family in a worse way and by that family, it means your spouse (sounds like you don't care much about her anyway), your kids, perception of what your family/friends may think of you. I guess it comes down to your values and if you value honesty, trust, and ultimately how you view yourself and what values you want to pass down to you kids. If sex is more important than those values, then you might as well divorce and start over again. If you value what you think of yourself and values you want to pass down to your kids, find some other solution (e.g. marriage counselor, divorce).

But why would a woman who has no interest in sleeping with her husband, and has made clear that that’s not going to change, going to care about the husband sleeping around? Just because they want to control him?

In my experience in my sexless marriage, I don't think my wife would care that much. If you are sexless, you are basically indifferent to each other on a romantic level (even if you still care about each other). I believe the people who scream "EVIL CHEATER" are the ones who explained they were in passionate marriages and were blindsided. I get how that would drive raw emotions.

In my situation, it would anger my wife if I embarrassed her or spent family money on another woman but the sex part wouldn't be as big on an issue.

I do think the ones who care are about control and power. It's a way for a woman to deny a man what he wants and he can't get elsewhere. At that point, there is no love or marriage. Cheating is the least worst thing one does.

So if there is no love or marriage, what’s the obstacle to getting divorced?

Kids, finances. Mostly I want to see my kids every day.

See, I think it’s mostly about the finances. You’re just too cheap to get a divorce.

There’s lots of ways to get divorced and still see your kids almost every day, but you don’t want to have to split everything you have with your spouse, pay child support, and be totally in charge of taking care of your kids at least 50% of the time.

Ding ding ding! It's about the money for most of the men and the ease of life with a wife at home. Kids are a convenient excuse but not the real reason. This means that there's no good excuse for cheating because there are other options: it's just that those options may require some sort of sacrifice which isn't easy for these men. Of course if they were really thinking about kids, they wouldn't cheat because they don't know if they will be found out and if they are found out, their kids will be affected even more than if it was just a divorce. It's not about kids folks!

He's already said that if he could get full custody, he would divorce. Try to keep up, rather than just reading what you want to advance your own agenda.

WHY does whomever guy want full custody? Is that the guy who wanted to be able to physically see his kids on demand and when convenient for himself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not accept a sexless marriage. If she's not interested, declare the marriage open. Problem solved in 15 seconds.

No, we won’t care. Let’s just divorce.

If you are in a sexless marriage and don't care about getting divorced, why not just get divorced?

Well, obviously men care about divorce to some extent or they just would. It's more that when you get to the point you are sexless or near sexless, you know your marriage isn't sustainable so you cheat hoping you pull it off, but if you don't, you are no worse off if you just divorced.

I have been in this situation for 4 years. I could have divorced back then but I would have missed a lot of time with my kids.

NP. Wrong in the bolded. If the cheating is discovered, it affects your family in a worse way and by that family, it means your spouse (sounds like you don't care much about her anyway), your kids, perception of what your family/friends may think of you. I guess it comes down to your values and if you value honesty, trust, and ultimately how you view yourself and what values you want to pass down to you kids. If sex is more important than those values, then you might as well divorce and start over again. If you value what you think of yourself and values you want to pass down to your kids, find some other solution (e.g. marriage counselor, divorce).

But why would a woman who has no interest in sleeping with her husband, and has made clear that that’s not going to change, going to care about the husband sleeping around? Just because they want to control him?

In my experience in my sexless marriage, I don't think my wife would care that much. If you are sexless, you are basically indifferent to each other on a romantic level (even if you still care about each other). I believe the people who scream "EVIL CHEATER" are the ones who explained they were in passionate marriages and were blindsided. I get how that would drive raw emotions.

In my situation, it would anger my wife if I embarrassed her or spent family money on another woman but the sex part wouldn't be as big on an issue.

I do think the ones who care are about control and power. It's a way for a woman to deny a man what he wants and he can't get elsewhere. At that point, there is no love or marriage. Cheating is the least worst thing one does.

So if there is no love or marriage, what’s the obstacle to getting divorced?

Kids, finances. Mostly I want to see my kids every day.

See, I think it’s mostly about the finances. You’re just too cheap to get a divorce.

There’s lots of ways to get divorced and still see your kids almost every day, but you don’t want to have to split everything you have with your spouse, pay child support, and be totally in charge of taking care of your kids at least 50% of the time.

Ding ding ding! It's about the money for most of the men and the ease of life with a wife at home. Kids are a convenient excuse but not the real reason. This means that there's no good excuse for cheating because there are other options: it's just that those options may require some sort of sacrifice which isn't easy for these men. Of course if they were really thinking about kids, they wouldn't cheat because they don't know if they will be found out and if they are found out, their kids will be affected even more than if it was just a divorce. It's not about kids folks!

He's already said that if he could get full custody, he would divorce. Try to keep up, rather than just reading what you want to advance your own agenda.

WHY does whomever guy want full custody? Is that the guy who wanted to be able to physically see his kids on demand and when convenient for himself?

Yes, how horrible that he wants to "physically see his kids."

[Anonymous]

I have been in this situation for 4 years. I could have divorced back then but I would have missed a lot of time with my kids.

NP. Wrong in the bolded. If the cheating is discovered, it affects your family in a worse way and by that family, it means your spouse (sounds like you don't care much about her anyway), your kids, perception of what your family/friends may think of you. I guess it comes down to your values and if you value honesty, trust, and ultimately how you view yourself and what values you want to pass down to you kids. If sex is more important than those values, then you might as well divorce and start over again. If you value what you think of yourself and values you want to pass down to your kids, find some other solution (e.g. marriage counselor, divorce).

But why would a woman who has no interest in sleeping with her husband, and has made clear that that’s not going to change, going to care about the husband sleeping around? Just because they want to control him?

In my experience in my sexless marriage, I don't think my wife would care that much. If you are sexless, you are basically indifferent to each other on a romantic level (even if you still care about each other). I believe the people who scream "EVIL CHEATER" are the ones who explained they were in passionate marriages and were blindsided. I get how that would drive raw emotions.

In my situation, it would anger my wife if I embarrassed her or spent family money on another woman but the sex part wouldn't be as big on an issue.

I do think the ones who care are about control and power. It's a way for a woman to deny a man what he wants and he can't get elsewhere. At that point, there is no love or marriage. Cheating is the least worst thing one does.

So if there is no love or marriage, what’s the obstacle to getting divorced?


Kids, finances. Mostly I want to see my kids every day.

See, I think it’s mostly about the finances. You’re just too cheap to get a divorce.

There’s lots of ways to get divorced and still see your kids almost every day, but you don’t want to have to split everything you have with your spouse, pay child support, and be totally in charge of taking care of your kids at least 50% of the time.


Ding ding ding! It's about the money for most of the men and the ease of life with a wife at home. Kids are a convenient excuse but not the real reason. This means that there's no good excuse for cheating because there are other options: it's just that those options may require some sort of sacrifice which isn't easy for these men. Of course if they were really thinking about kids, they wouldn't cheat because they don't know if they will be found out and if they are found out, their kids will be affected even more than if it was just a divorce. It's not about kids folks!

He's already said that if he could get full custody, he would divorce. Try to keep up, rather than just reading what you want to advance your own agenda.

LOL I did read his response and I still stand by my response. As I mentioned earlier, if he was really thinking about his kids, he would know that he would have a potentially rough time with his kids if they found out he cheated and more importantly, he might lose his kids' respect. BTW, even if they don't find out now that he cheated, they may find out later on. If he wants his time with his kids so much, how does he risk losing them at a time in the future, and more importantly potentially lose their respect? You should read what I wrote before posting things that advance your agenda. Please!

[Anonymous]

He's already said that if he could get full custody, he would divorce. Try to keep up, rather than just reading what you want to advance your own agenda.

Reposting to hopefully make it more readable.

LOL I did read his response and I still stand by my response. As I mentioned earlier, if he was really thinking about his kids, he would know that he would have a potentially rough time with his kids if they found out he cheated and more importantly, he might lose his kids' respect. BTW, even if they don't find out now that he cheated, they may find out later on. If he wants his time with his kids so much, how does he risk losing them at a time in the future, and more importantly potentially lose their respect? You should read what I wrote before posting things that advance your agenda. Please

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The Free Childcare and Free Housekeeper Poster from a few weeks ago was correct! Don’t get divorced when you can well up the Family Guy, Great Home facade!

Another right on the money response. It's not about kids, it's about their ease of living and financial well being. Talking about kids makes it sound more palatable to both themselves and to others. If they really cared about their kids, they wouldn't chance them finding out about cheating and potentially losing a good relationship with them and also potentially losing their respect. All bs when they talk about kids: it's about free childcare, free housekeeper, keeping the money for themselves, and let's not forget keeping up the facade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The Free Childcare and Free Housekeeper Poster from a few weeks ago was correct! Don’t get divorced when you can well up the Family Guy, Great Home facade!

Another right on the money response. It's not about kids, it's about their ease of living and financial well being. Talking about kids makes it sound more palatable to both themselves and to others. If they really cared about their kids, they wouldn't chance them finding out about cheating and potentially losing a good relationship with them and also potentially losing their respect. All bs when they talk about kids: it's about free childcare, free housekeeper, keeping the money for themselves, and let's not forget keeping up the facade.

I am the one you are responding to. This isn't complicated.

What I want is a loving wife with whom I have at least a decent sexual connection. I had that for years but it slowly faded 10 years ago and we have been sexless for 3 years. I have brought it up repeatedly but nothing changes.

So my decisions are to divorce, split time with my kids, divide finances which will limit my ability to pay for college and limit my ability to retire earlier. Some of those are "selfish" but an equal amount is what's best for my kids.

Since I can't have that, yes, I risk cheating rather than proceeding straight to divorce so I can at least be somewhat sane. I understand there is a risk that the kids find out and are upset. I will do my best to mitigate the fallout, just as I would mitigate the fallout if we divorced.

I don't expect you to understand unless you tell me you were put into a sexless marriage for years, tried to fix it but were frozen out by a husband who refused to work with you. I wish you well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The Free Childcare and Free Housekeeper Poster from a few weeks ago was correct! Don’t get divorced when you can well up the Family Guy, Great Home facade!

Another right on the money response. It's not about kids, it's about their ease of living and financial well being. Talking about kids makes it sound more palatable to both themselves and to others. If they really cared about their kids, they wouldn't chance them finding out about cheating and potentially losing a good relationship with them and also potentially losing their respect. All bs when they talk about kids: it's about free childcare, free housekeeper, keeping the money for themselves, and let's not forget keeping up the facade.

I am the one you are responding to. This isn't complicated.

What I want is a loving wife with whom I have at least a decent sexual connection. I had that for years but it slowly faded 10 years ago and we have been sexless for 3 years. I have brought it up repeatedly but nothing changes.

So my decisions are to divorce, split time with my kids, divide finances which will limit my ability to pay for college and limit my ability to retire earlier. Some of those are "selfish" but an equal amount is what's best for my kids.

Since I can't have that, yes, I risk cheating rather than proceeding straight to divorce so I can at least be somewhat sane. I understand there is a risk that the kids find out and are upset. I will do my best to mitigate the fallout, just as I would mitigate the fallout if we divorced.

I don't expect you to understand unless you tell me you were put into a sexless marriage for years, tried to fix it but were frozen out by a husband who refused to work with you. I wish you well.

So our situations are a bit reversed and so I somewhat get your situation. Right decisions aren't easy and that's what you are talking about in the tradeoffs that it's hard to divorce because you have to give up something to do the right thing. Of course what I'm not hearing from you is that you're giving up your integrity and self-respect in that trade off discussion (somehow that is never brought up).

Your relationship with your kids will be worse off if you are caught cheating than if you divorce. If you are thinking of mitigating that, you should also know that will be more difficult with cheating than if you take other paths, and more importantly they may lose respect for you because of cheating. Ultimately, it's not about kids, it's about your ease of life, financial comfort. It's purely selfish reasons and so don't sugar coat it by saying it's for the kids/wife etc. Not sure who cheating benefits except the husband in the short term. Stop saying it's for the kids, just say I know I'm trading in my relationship with my kids for my wants. Just acknowledge it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The Free Childcare and Free Housekeeper Poster from a few weeks ago was correct! Don’t get divorced when you can well up the Family Guy, Great Home facade!

Another right on the money response. It's not about kids, it's about their ease of living and financial well being. Talking about kids makes it sound more palatable to both themselves and to others. If they really cared about their kids, they wouldn't chance them finding out about cheating and potentially losing a good relationship with them and also potentially losing their respect. All bs when they talk about kids: it's about free childcare, free housekeeper, keeping the money for themselves, and let's not forget keeping up the facade.

I am the one you are responding to. This isn't complicated.

What I want is a loving wife with whom I have at least a decent sexual connection. I had that for years but it slowly faded 10 years ago and we have been sexless for 3 years. I have brought it up repeatedly but nothing changes.

So my decisions are to divorce, split time with my kids, divide finances which will limit my ability to pay for college and limit my ability to retire earlier. Some of those are "selfish" but an equal amount is what's best for my kids.

Since I can't have that, yes, I risk cheating rather than proceeding straight to divorce so I can at least be somewhat sane. I understand there is a risk that the kids find out and are upset. I will do my best to mitigate the fallout, just as I would mitigate the fallout if we divorced.

I don't expect you to understand unless you tell me you were put into a sexless marriage for years, tried to fix it but were frozen out by a husband who refused to work with you. I wish you well.

So our situations are a bit reversed and so I somewhat get your situation. Right decisions aren't easy and that's what you are talking about in the tradeoffs that it's hard to divorce because you have to give up something to do the right thing. Of course what I'm not hearing from you is that you're giving up your integrity and self-respect in that trade off discussion (somehow that is never brought up).

Your relationship with your kids will be worse off if you are caught cheating than if you divorce. If you are thinking of mitigating that, you should also know that will be more difficult with cheating than if you take other paths, and more importantly they may lose respect for you because of cheating. Ultimately, it's not about kids, it's about your ease of life, financial comfort. It's purely selfish reasons and so don't sugar coat it by saying it's for the kids/wife etc. Not sure who cheating benefits except the husband in the short term. Stop saying it's for the kids, just say I know I'm trading in my relationship with my kids for my wants. Just acknowledge it.

+1 your sexual wants > kids having an intact family

Own up to it. Don't make excuses. If you want to cheat which could lead to divorce, then at least acknowledge that you are willing to risk your kids' happiness and their respect for you.

My spouse's father cheated on the mom. The one sibling hated him for the rest of his life; my spouse still remembers how awful it was for the mom.

[Anonymous]

^ it's not so easy to mitigate that with the kids is it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The Free Childcare and Free Housekeeper Poster from a few weeks ago was correct! Don’t get divorced when you can well up the Family Guy, Great Home facade!

Another right on the money response. It's not about kids, it's about their ease of living and financial well being. Talking about kids makes it sound more palatable to both themselves and to others. If they really cared about their kids, they wouldn't chance them finding out about cheating and potentially losing a good relationship with them and also potentially losing their respect. All bs when they talk about kids: it's about free childcare, free housekeeper, keeping the money for themselves, and let's not forget keeping up the facade.

I am the one you are responding to. This isn't complicated.

What I want is a loving wife with whom I have at least a decent sexual connection. I had that for years but it slowly faded 10 years ago and we have been sexless for 3 years. I have brought it up repeatedly but nothing changes.

So my decisions are to divorce, split time with my kids, divide finances which will limit my ability to pay for college and limit my ability to retire earlier. Some of those are "selfish" but an equal amount is what's best for my kids.

Since I can't have that, yes, I risk cheating rather than proceeding straight to divorce so I can at least be somewhat sane. I understand there is a risk that the kids find out and are upset. I will do my best to mitigate the fallout, just as I would mitigate the fallout if we divorced.

I don't expect you to understand unless you tell me you were put into a sexless marriage for years, tried to fix it but were frozen out by a husband who refused to work with you. I wish you well.

So our situations are a bit reversed and so I somewhat get your situation. Right decisions aren't easy and that's what you are talking about in the tradeoffs that it's hard to divorce because you have to give up something to do the right thing. Of course what I'm not hearing from you is that you're giving up your integrity and self-respect in that trade off discussion (somehow that is never brought up).

Your relationship with your kids will be worse off if you are caught cheating than if you divorce. If you are thinking of mitigating that, you should also know that will be more difficult with cheating than if you take other paths, and more importantly they may lose respect for you because of cheating. Ultimately, it's not about kids, it's about your ease of life, financial comfort. It's purely selfish reasons and so don't sugar coat it by saying it's for the kids/wife etc. Not sure who cheating benefits except the husband in the short term. Stop saying it's for the kids, just say I know I'm trading in my relationship with my kids for my wants. Just acknowledge it.

Quick question - you see it better for the kids to split up their house, pull them out of school because we can't afford it, and deal with the other fall out from divorce? Or is your point that the admirable thing is for me to accept celibacy? Not a rhetorical question, sincerely interested in your perspective

[Anonymous]

To the PP above, yes some people see infidelity as the ultimate evil, right there with murder. And therefore pulling your kids into separate houses, taking them out of their school, depleting college accounts, introduction to step parents are all far better than letting someone touch your genitals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The Free Childcare and Free Housekeeper Poster from a few weeks ago was correct! Don’t get divorced when you can well up the Family Guy, Great Home facade!

Another right on the money response. It's not about kids, it's about their ease of living and financial well being. Talking about kids makes it sound more palatable to both themselves and to others. If they really cared about their kids, they wouldn't chance them finding out about cheating and potentially losing a good relationship with them and also potentially losing their respect. All bs when they talk about kids: it's about free childcare, free housekeeper, keeping the money for themselves, and let's not forget keeping up the facade.

I am the one you are responding to. This isn't complicated.

What I want is a loving wife with whom I have at least a decent sexual connection. I had that for years but it slowly faded 10 years ago and we have been sexless for 3 years. I have brought it up repeatedly but nothing changes.

So my decisions are to divorce, split time with my kids, divide finances which will limit my ability to pay for college and limit my ability to retire earlier. Some of those are "selfish" but an equal amount is what's best for my kids.

Since I can't have that, yes, I risk cheating rather than proceeding straight to divorce so I can at least be somewhat sane. I understand there is a risk that the kids find out and are upset. I will do my best to mitigate the fallout, just as I would mitigate the fallout if we divorced.

I don't expect you to understand unless you tell me you were put into a sexless marriage for years, tried to fix it but were frozen out by a husband who refused to work with you. I wish you well.

So our situations are a bit reversed and so I somewhat get your situation. Right decisions aren't easy and that's what you are talking about in the tradeoffs that it's hard to divorce because you have to give up something to do the right thing. Of course what I'm not hearing from you is that you're giving up your integrity and self-respect in that trade off discussion (somehow that is never brought up).

Your relationship with your kids will be worse off if you are caught cheating than if you divorce. If you are thinking of mitigating that, you should also know that will be more difficult with cheating than if you take other paths, and more importantly they may lose respect for you because of cheating. Ultimately, it's not about kids, it's about your ease of life, financial comfort. It's purely selfish reasons and so don't sugar coat it by saying it's for the kids/wife etc. Not sure who cheating benefits except the husband in the short term. Stop saying it's for the kids, just say I know I'm trading in my relationship with my kids for my wants. Just acknowledge it.

Quick question - you see it better for the kids to split up their house, pull them out of school because we can't afford it, and deal with the other fall out from divorce? Or is your point that the admirable thing is for me to accept celibacy? Not a rhetorical question, sincerely interested in your perspective

I don't know what is acceptable to you: you have to figure out for yourself because your priorities are goin go be different than someone else's My point is that cheating isn't the right action if you are thinking of your kids as you claim to do so. I have found that cheating is an option for certain people and not all people, and so what is it about you that you find it acceptable. Also that there are ups and downs in marriage as there are in life and I have stated elsewhere that there's lifecycle happiness curve that's important to understand. It's up to you to decide what's your next step because how do I know what's right for you. It's just I get tired of all of the people who justify cheating as it's good for the kids/wives etc. Nope. Not true. Just own it for what it is: a tradeoff in decision: your wants vs. risk of poor relationship with your kids (and potentially other family members).

[Anonymous]

your sexual wants > kids having an intact family

A marriage license isn’t a suicide pact. If the wife checks out of the marriage to the extent of giving up sex, things happen. Cause, effect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the PP above, yes some people see infidelity as the ultimate evil, right there with murder. And therefore pulling your kids into separate houses, taking them out of their school, depleting college accounts, introduction to step parents are all far better than letting someone touch your genitals.

But if that’s all it is, YOU have a hand — YOU touch your genitals! Then you don’t need to “pull your kids into separate houses, take them out of their school, deplete college accounts,” And all that other scary stuff (some of which may never happen!).

Frankly, I’m an adult child of divorce, and was never removed from my school, and my awesome dad paid for my college. And because he never cheated on my mom, I loved and respected him for the remainder of his life. He wound up marrying a terrific lady, and I’m thankful for my stepmom, who is another grandma to my kids.

What the PPs said about using “the kids” as justification for cheating (rather than separating) is spot on. Just acknowledge your selfishness.