I told DW it’s time for her to return to work FT

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we had kids, DW became a SAHM and our discussion was always that she’d return to the workforce at some point. It’s now 15 years later, kids are in high school, and she is working part-time. I just did our taxes and she only earned $18k last year - I am a GS-15 so by no means a rainmaker. We are behind on savings, college 529, etc and I’m tired of having to agonize over every financial decision because our finances are so precarious. DW has a Masters and could be making $60-70K full time but doesn’t want to - she has many stay at home friends who are married to rainmakers, but that’s not me. I told her tonight that I’m at my wits end and she needs to step up. She doesn’t want to work full time - neither do I but I suck it up for the family. I’m very frustrated and can’t get DW to pick up the slack. I am very involved at home and with the kids so she has supper there. How can I make her understand that we can’t always get what we want?!?

let me get my violin. please. You make what I do. Because I'm the same. I'm 42, have paid off my mortgage, and we're raising 3 kids on that exact salary.
budget better.

This.

I agree. OP's wife DOES work full time. With her job and the job she does at home, Op needs to understand that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

They did ... many moons ago. Things have changed, plans need to adjust. I can’t imagine running a project and telling my boss I didn’t adapt to circumstances and was sticking rigidly to the plan as written 10years who.

Yeah...what changed is she decided that not working is very nice indeed.

I think what changed is that she lost all respect for the OP. The marriage is not great. She is at home to make sure that the kids launch properly. OP is bitter and probably not well liked at work too. I am sure his bosses are not advocating him for promotions either. OP is a loser.

[Anonymous]

I do wonder how often OP was up in the middle of the night feeding infants and changing diapers...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you "tell" her, not ask her, per the title of your thread?

Why can't you get a better paying job? In this economy, you can't find a better paying job? What's wrong with you?

She's working PT already. Could she really be pulling the salary you think after taking all those FT years off to raise your kids? Sacrificing her career?

They are her kids too. She got all expenses paid during these years. Let's not pretend OP did nothing. She didn't sacrifice her career - she stayed home willingly.

OMG. Such belittling of SAHM. Yet if you GET PAID to be a nanny, that is respectable, right? Because the nanny is ACTUALLY GETTING PAID? So taking care of kids, driving them to practices and dental appointments is only valuable work if you are actually paid to do it for another family.


Meanwhile, OP knows he is not earning enough in his career and is not pursuing more lucrative position in private sector.

On DCUM, these weak make providers get all the support.

That is because there is much envy and bitterness from many WOHMs who have to work to make ends meet. They are married to these men. They need to dump on SAHMs to feel better about their own lives. A post like OPs makes them feel superior to their own choices.

Here is the simple fact - the world over, men have more money and assets than women. Most of SAHMs and most WOHMs are not high HHI. Wealthy people do not give a damn if you are SAHM or WOHM. In the end, I would prefer to be a wealthy SAHM with my own money, than hard working poor WOHMs who have very little money of their own.

OP did not agree to be a provider. He agreed to support her SAHM lifestyle until the kids were older. If OP's wife wanted to stay home, she should have chosen someone else - someone who was on board with that. she did not. So now she has to face the music.

I am a WOHM but do not for a second envy any SAHMs. We could afford to live on one salary - not because we are wealthy but because we deliberately planned our spending that way, so that if one of us loses our job we didn't have to lose our shirts. But I just couldn't stay home. I found it very hard to be with the kids during my 6 months' maternity leave - it's very isolating, hard and boring! I was longing for the office within a few months. Maybe if I were an uber wealthy SAHM, with a full time nanny and a housekeeper... sure! Otherwise, pass.

Yes yes, I know, I know, why did I even have kids, someone call CPS, terrible mother etc. etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being super involved with the kids doesn't mean you do the cooking, cleaning, shopping, doctors appointments, etc. She isn't going tome that much going back after 15 years. At best she will probably make $40-45K and after taxes and paying for a housekeeper and someone to do what she does, it will be less than you think. Why don't you get a better job? I don't get how you cannot live off $150-170+ or how ever much you make when many of us do it comfortably and save for college. Stop spending so much.

If she's smart she'd divorce you and get child support and alimony.

I don't think they should get divorced. I actually see their situation as ideal. Her working p/t, but doing everything home and child related. Which means they both work full time.

I can tell they spend too much, and probably have too high of a mortgage. Many people get into trouble with their homes, cars, or other high expenses. This is the area they need to change. We know many people with great incomes, but they spend most of what they make.

He doesn't see their situation as ideal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

They did ... many moons ago. Things have changed, plans need to adjust. I can’t imagine running a project and telling my boss I didn’t adapt to circumstances and was sticking rigidly to the plan as written 10years who.

Yeah...what changed is she decided that not working is very nice indeed.

I think what changed is that she lost all respect for the OP. The marriage is not great. She is at home to make sure that the kids launch properly. OP is bitter and probably not well liked at work too. I am sure his bosses are not advocating him for promotions either. OP is a loser.

I mean... she's a loser too, for choosing a loser!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we had kids, DW became a SAHM and our discussion was always that she’d return to the workforce at some point. It’s now 15 years later, kids are in high school, and she is working part-time. I just did our taxes and she only earned $18k last year - I am a GS-15 so by no means a rainmaker. We are behind on savings, college 529, etc and I’m tired of having to agonize over every financial decision because our finances are so precarious. DW has a Masters and could be making $60-70K full time but doesn’t want to - she has many stay at home friends who are married to rainmakers, but that’s not me. I told her tonight that I’m at my wits end and she needs to step up. She doesn’t want to work full time - neither do I but I suck it up for the family. I’m very frustrated and can’t get DW to pick up the slack. I am very involved at home and with the kids so she has supper there. How can I make her understand that we can’t always get what we want?!?

let me get my violin. please. You make what I do. Because I'm the same. I'm 42, have paid off my mortgage, and we're raising 3 kids on that exact salary.
budget better.

This.

I agree. OP's wife DOES work full time. With her job and the job she does at home, Op needs to understand that.

So wait, do I then work two jobs? Because I take care of the house and kids AND I work full time. And I make more than my husband!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

They did ... many moons ago. Things have changed, plans need to adjust. I can’t imagine running a project and telling my boss I didn’t adapt to circumstances and was sticking rigidly to the plan as written 10years who.

Yeah...what changed is she decided that not working is very nice indeed.

I think what changed is that she lost all respect for the OP. The marriage is not great. She is at home to make sure that the kids launch properly. OP is bitter and probably not well liked at work too. I am sure his bosses are not advocating him for promotions either. OP is a loser.

That loser underwrote years of taking it easy for her so she should have some respect. You don't need a parent at home to launch kids properly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we had kids, DW became a SAHM and our discussion was always that she’d return to the workforce at some point. It’s now 15 years later, kids are in high school, and she is working part-time. I just did our taxes and she only earned $18k last year - I am a GS-15 so by no means a rainmaker. We are behind on savings, college 529, etc and I’m tired of having to agonize over every financial decision because our finances are so precarious. DW has a Masters and could be making $60-70K full time but doesn’t want to - she has many stay at home friends who are married to rainmakers, but that’s not me. I told her tonight that I’m at my wits end and she needs to step up. She doesn’t want to work full time - neither do I but I suck it up for the family. I’m very frustrated and can’t get DW to pick up the slack. I am very involved at home and with the kids so she has supper there. How can I make her understand that we can’t always get what we want?!?

let me get my violin. please. You make what I do. Because I'm the same. I'm 42, have paid off my mortgage, and we're raising 3 kids on that exact salary. '
budget better.

Why? He has a second adult in the household who is supposed to contribute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She can go back to work full time but Op has to promise to take on the role of the default parent while his wife establishes herself in her career. That might take a year or more.

Do you understand what it means to be the default parent, Op?

It means being the parent who stays at home when the kids are sick or off of school for a holiday or snow day. It means being the parent who takes the kids to doctor and dental appointments. It means being the parent who goes to teacher conferences and volunteers to chaperone field trips. It also means being on duty while your wife goes away for a week or more at a time on business trips - sometimes to really fun locations (Vegas, Orlando, San Diego, Boston, NYC) - while your stuck at home working FT, getting kids to/from school, doing laundry, helping with homework, making dinner....

Do that for a year and then come back to tell us how it went. Good luck!

I'm the default parent AND I work full time in management at a Big Four consulting firm. Am I some kind of superhero??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do wonder how often OP was up in the middle of the night feeding infants and changing diapers...

Why is that important? Kids are in high school now. You think two years of diaper changes should buy a lifetime of idleness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think OP realizes how age discrimination comes into play. Yes, dw might have a part-time job. If she can parlay that into a FT job at her current employer ... great. Otherwise, there will be few options on the outside for a middle-aged woman who has been on the mommy part-time track.

You can't have your cake and eat it too OP. DW did the kid stuff and that hurt her career. Don't blame her for society's hatred of women. And,I'm someone who has worked FT all throughout.

But she hasn't even tried.

How do you know? Because you are in team OP? How can you believe a whiny, ingrate who is not smart enough to a) earn more or b)create wealth from a decent $150K income? C'mon - even his wife has no respect for him!

His wife isn't smart enough to earn more either. Or create wealth from a decent income. Come on - isn't "paying bills and managing portfolios" something that homemakers love to talk about as part of their job description?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She can go back to work full time but Op has to promise to take on the role of the default parent while his wife establishes herself in her career. That might take a year or more.

Do you understand what it means to be the default parent, Op?

It means being the parent who stays at home when the kids are sick or off of school for a holiday or snow day. It means being the parent who takes the kids to doctor and dental appointments. It means being the parent who goes to teacher conferences and volunteers to chaperone field trips. It also means being on duty while your wife goes away for a week or more at a time on business trips - sometimes to really fun locations (Vegas, Orlando, San Diego, Boston, NYC) - while your stuck at home working FT, getting kids to/from school, doing laundry, helping with homework, making dinner....

Do that for a year and then come back to tell us how it went. Good luck!

I'm the default parent AND I work full time in management at a Big Four consulting firm. Am I some kind of superhero??

Nope. You are racing around, stressed, you don’t see your kids a lot, you had them in daycare 10-12 hours a day at 3 months, you think high schoolers should be left to their own doings, you outsource everything, and “point and click” all your daily tasks and can’t believe everyone else doesn’t live like this too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She can go back to work full time but Op has to promise to take on the role of the default parent while his wife establishes herself in her career. That might take a year or more.

Do you understand what it means to be the default parent, Op?

It means being the parent who stays at home when the kids are sick or off of school for a holiday or snow day. It means being the parent who takes the kids to doctor and dental appointments. It means being the parent who goes to teacher conferences and volunteers to chaperone field trips. It also means being on duty while your wife goes away for a week or more at a time on business trips - sometimes to really fun locations (Vegas, Orlando, San Diego, Boston, NYC) - while your stuck at home working FT, getting kids to/from school, doing laundry, helping with homework, making dinner....

Do that for a year and then come back to tell us how it went. Good luck!

I'm the default parent AND I work full time in management at a Big Four consulting firm. Am I some kind of superhero??

Nope. You are racing around, stressed, you don’t see your kids a lot, you had them in daycare 10-12 hours a day at 3 months, you think high schoolers should be left to their own doings, you outsource everything, and “point and click” all your daily tasks and can’t believe everyone else doesn’t live like this too.

Nah. I took six months off with each kid, but nice try. None of what you wrote applies to me. I cook from scratch multiple times a week. I don't have a housekeeper, just a biweekly cleaner. Occasionally I race around when I have a big deadline coming up, but it's occasional and I kind of enjoy it - I am a type A person who performs best under pressure. My job is flexible enough that I can do pick up, get in quality time with the kids and then pick it up again after bedtime routine. And best of all, if my husband decides he doesn't love me anymore and wants to leave, I will maintain my lifestyle. Unlike OP's wife, no one controls the purse strings or questions my usefulness - I'm an equal partner and my husband is proud of my achievements.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think OP realizes how age discrimination comes into play. Yes, dw might have a part-time job. If she can parlay that into a FT job at her current employer ... great. Otherwise, there will be few options on the outside for a middle-aged woman who has been on the mommy part-time track.

You can't have your cake and eat it too OP. DW did the kid stuff and that hurt her career. Don't blame her for society's hatred of women. And,I'm someone who has worked FT all throughout.

But she hasn't even tried.

How do you know? Because you are in team OP? How can you believe a whiny, ingrate who is not smart enough to a) earn more or b)create wealth from a decent $150K income? C'mon - even his wife has no respect for him!

His wife isn't smart enough to earn more either. Or create wealth from a decent income. Come on - isn't "paying bills and managing portfolios" something that homemakers love to talk about as part of their job description?

Yup. They have both failed. Two losers who deserve one another.