Sister says 14yo nephew not coming to my wedding because of his sports tournament. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Yep bridezillas always need enablers and there are plenty on this thread. Think of how much grief could be avoided if these enablers would just stop supporting the bride's fantasy of its all about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In what family with two sisters and a mom would the aunt and the mom NOT talk about it? I just don't relate to the shock and appall at that fact. In my mind, OF COURSE the mom talked about it with the aunt and likely with the sister too. It's a close family. The nephew is not coming.

Here's me in that situation:

Sister call to aunt: Hey we have an issue and Jimmy can't come.
Aunt: Oh no. How did this happen? Any way around it?

Sister to mom: Need to tell you something crappy. Jimmy can't go to the wedding.
Mom: WTF!

Aunt to mom: I guess you heard about Jimmy.
Mom: I'm beside myself about it.
Aunt: I'm bummed about it too, but it is what it is.

PURE EVIL.

If it was my mom she wouldn't have said the first part (WTF!) but definitely would have had a more colorful paragraph then "I'm beside myself about it."

Mom and Dad are probably paying for wedding and would like the whole family there for nice pictures and memories. One of them off playing in a soccer game is not cool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep bridezillas always need enablers and there are plenty on this thread. Think of how much grief could be avoided if these enablers would just stop supporting the bride's fantasy of its all about me.

"I'm disappointed my close relative couldn't come to my wedding because of a scheduling snafu, and so is the relative and everyone else involved" == "it's all about me?"

You need to put down the Internet, slowly, and back away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep bridezillas always need enablers and there are plenty on this thread. Think of how much grief could be avoided if these enablers would just stop supporting the bride's fantasy of its all about me.

Did you have a wedding? Because unless you and your fiancee got married at the courthouse, you were a bridezilla too. Did you register? Did you get a bridal shower? Did you ask people to be in your wedding party? Did you expect them to pay for their dress and the groomsmen to rent tuxes? Did you have it at a venue and parents spend some money on it. Did people have to save the date, dress up, come for an entire day and bring another present or envelope? Yes, well you were a bridezilla to some of your guests too.

But yes go on thinking that an Aunt wanting her nephew there and is disappointed is the definition of bridezilla.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

np here. I think you reeeeeally misunderstood the update.

I don't think so. I think the people who say that she's just ranting her anonymously misunderstood the update. She's clearly not just ranting here anonymously. By her own admission, she's talking with other family members about how terrible her sister's choices are and how much better hers are and will be. That's not just anonymous ranting; that's turned into being nasty in her own family. It's terrible, spoiled behavior.

Look, sometimes people don't go to weddings for reasons other than the choice you might personally make. It happens. In my family, wedding would trump child sports, but going around talking about how awful other people are about making other choices would definitely not be okay. That's unkind behavior no matter what the circumstances. OP's update makes it clear to me that the people who spotted her as a Bridezilla early on were right. Talking unkindly about her sister to family member -- and worse, by implication, doing the same about her her nephew/niece -- is a self-centered and crappy thing to do.



You seem a bit over the top and not in touch with anyone's reality but what you fantasize.

What you said: She is talking with other family members about how terrible her sister's choices are and how much better hers are and will be. She's going around talking about how awful the sister is in making the choice she made.
Your translation: That's nasty in her own family and terrible, spoiled behavior. It's talking unkindly about her sister and nephew. Self-centered.

What OP said: She spoke with her mom about the situation, who could've been irate or sympathetic and called her about it. She told her mom to give her hell if she makes the same choice in 14 years.
A rationale person's translation: In what family would the aunt and mom NOT have a conversation about what transpired? The aunt could have been talking the mom off the ledge with some humor. Clearly the mom had an issue with it too. Can they not be privately mad at or disappointed in the sister? Can they not process it together? Weird experctation that everyone just remain silent and do not discuss the nephew's surprise absense.

Looks like if you were the sister, you'd be the one causing family drama (man are you over-dramatic; your interpersonal lens is OFF) and a long-lasting family riff. Nice.

FYI, there's one person on here saying Bridezilla. No one else agrees. So it's probably you despite your "change of heart" claim?



Thank you pp. I'm original pp and I couldn't even deal with the off the wall thinking in her post. Glad someone could.

[Anonymous]

My parents would have spit nails if grandkids were no shows of an immediate family member they were throwing a wedding for. Maybe our family is closer than others but weddings trump even funerals. They are planned in advance and there is nothing that trumps it except a hospital bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents would have spit nails if grandkids were no shows of an immediate family member they were throwing a wedding for. Maybe our family is closer than others but weddings trump even funerals. They are planned in advance and there is nothing that trumps it except a hospital bed.

Or pettier

This reminds me of families that have to drive to 4 different homes every christms so nobody gets pissed.

#controlfreaks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents would have spit nails if grandkids were no shows of an immediate family member they were throwing a wedding for. Maybe our family is closer than others but weddings trump even funerals. They are planned in advance and there is nothing that trumps it except a hospital bed.

Or pettier

This reminds me of families that have to drive to 4 different homes every christms so nobody gets pissed.

#controlfreaks

Who uses hash tags on a forum? Please go do your homework.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep bridezillas always need enablers and there are plenty on this thread. Think of how much grief could be avoided if these enablers would just stop supporting the bride's fantasy of its all about me.

You seem to be having fun.

[Anonymous]

If I thought my sister was behaving badly or judging her parenting on something that's a legitimate difference of opinion or parenting style, I wouldn't be talking to our mom about it, or if I did, I'd expect my mom shut that discussion down quickly and, to quote the PP, "smack me in the head" for childish behavior. Friends, sure, rant all you like to friends, that's what they are for. But I wouldn't put my mom in that position. And I'd hope that if my adult children ever did something similar, I'd shut it down quickly myself.

I don't get all of you people who think that's okay behavior on OP's part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Attention Helicopter Parents. Do not become Drone parents by suggesting calling coaches in high school or college professors are a good idea. At some point, your little snowflake will be an adult. Let them become adults without your overbearing behavior.

/rant

Do you think a high schooler is "becoming an adult" by submitting to another adult's unfair rules and judgment without even explaining their wishes? It sounded from OP like this man actually wanted to attend both events. The sister may have even made the decision herself which event to attend. This forum says there would be huge penalties though for him skipping this pre-season tournament. So his decision was possibly more about how to keep on the coaches's good side instead of what he really wanted to do and felt was right. Again I completely fault the coaches and the people who prop these kind of coaches up. I was a varsity athlete from freshman to senior year and I graduated in the top 5% academically. I prefer smart and athletic to dumb jock and dork btw. I know things have changed and everything is so much more competitive but I have to wonder why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Attention Helicopter Parents. Do not become Drone parents by suggesting calling coaches in high school or college professors are a good idea. At some point, your little snowflake will be an adult. Let them become adults without your overbearing behavior.

/rant

Do you think a high schooler is "becoming an adult" by submitting to another adult's unfair rules and judgment without even explaining their wishes? It sounded from OP like this man actually wanted to attend both events. The sister may have even made the decision herself which event to attend. This forum says there would be huge penalties though for him skipping this pre-season tournament. So his decision was possibly more about how to keep on the coaches's good side instead of what he really wanted to do and felt was right. Again I completely fault the coaches and the people who prop these kind of coaches up. I was a varsity athlete from freshman to senior year and I graduated in the top 5% academically. I prefer smart and athletic to dumb jock and dork btw. I know things have changed and everything is so much more competitive but I have to wonder why?

Actually, I don't think that's the take-away from the people who are concerned about the kid being caught in the middle. Skipping the tournament may be just fine, depending on what the coach and team culture are like and on the the kid's abilities and temperament. Many of us were just reacting to the blunt statements that it's always wrong for a child to miss a wedding for sports and that all games and tournaments are the same and are unimportant in the scheme of things, and that anyone who thinks otherwise is teaching their kids bad values/puts sports before family/etc..

As some of the more reasonable posters have pointed out, this whole situation is so fact-specific that it's a bit crazy for anyone to say with certainty how the OP ought react to it. We'd have to know more about not only the sport situation and kid, but the dynamic between the sisters and within the family in general, among other things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I thought my sister was behaving badly or judging her parenting on something that's a legitimate difference of opinion or parenting style, I wouldn't be talking to our mom about it, or if I did, I'd expect my mom shut that discussion down quickly and, to quote the PP, "smack me in the head" for childish behavior. Friends, sure, rant all you like to friends, that's what they are for. But I wouldn't put my mom in that position. And I'd hope that if my adult children ever did something similar, I'd shut it down quickly myself.

I don't get all of you people who think that's okay behavior on OP's part.

I think you're the one with the unusual relationship with your mom. I can't imagine not speaking with my mom about this particular topic. But we talk about everything.

[Anonymous]

OP said she was upset. The mom might have been more upset than OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I thought my sister was behaving badly or judging her parenting on something that's a legitimate difference of opinion or parenting style, I wouldn't be talking to our mom about it, or if I did, I'd expect my mom shut that discussion down quickly and, to quote the PP, "smack me in the head" for childish behavior. Friends, sure, rant all you like to friends, that's what they are for. But I wouldn't put my mom in that position. And I'd hope that if my adult children ever did something similar, I'd shut it down quickly myself.

I don't get all of you people who think that's okay behavior on OP's part.

I think you're the one with the unusual relationship with your mom. I can't imagine not speaking with my mom about this particular topic. But we talk about everything.

Maybe. I have a closer relationship with my siblings than a lot of people I know (we are genuine friends and worked to live near each other so we can see each other frequently) and I think a lot of that is that my parents never tolerated or enabled behind-the-back behavior. Not that I would try, but my mom isn't going to let me complain about my sister to her on things that are legitimate differences of opinion. She would say that I need to work whatever issue out with her directly.