Sister says 14yo nephew not coming to my wedding because of his sports tournament. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents would have spit nails if grandkids were no shows of an immediate family member they were throwing a wedding for. Maybe our family is closer than others but weddings trump even funerals. They are planned in advance and there is nothing that trumps it except a hospital bed.

Or pettier

This reminds me of families that have to drive to 4 different homes every christms so nobody gets pissed.

#controlfreaks

Who uses hash tags on a forum? Please go do your homework.

People with jobs, specifically advertising.

Wow! Your parent's pettiness did not fall far from the tree.

[Anonymous]

I don't categorize talking to my mom about things like this as gossiping or talking behind my sibling's back or complaining. My mom would be mad too. We may help each other move through it more positively and not lash out at the sister. Minimally we'd need to discuss the absence of the kid, who was a participant in the ceremony and coming until recently. It's not a nothing that this key family member is not coming, if you view nieces and nephews and grandkids as core family members (as I do).

I'm sure my mom would soon say let's just move on, we talked about it, and now it's over. And I would say yep. I think this could be healthy and helpful. Of course I can envision a yucky mom/daughter convo that would be shitty, but OP gave us no reason to believe it was yucky at all.

Your mom's approach is fine. But there's nothing wrong with a different approach. I too have a crazy close relationship with my siblings and parents, and we all talk about all family issues a ton. Should my parents retire, get another cat, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I thought my sister was behaving badly or judging her parenting on something that's a legitimate difference of opinion or parenting style, I wouldn't be talking to our mom about it, or if I did, I'd expect my mom shut that discussion down quickly and, to quote the PP, "smack me in the head" for childish behavior. Friends, sure, rant all you like to friends, that's what they are for. But I wouldn't put my mom in that position. And I'd hope that if my adult children ever did something similar, I'd shut it down quickly myself.

I don't get all of you people who think that's okay behavior on OP's part.

I think you're the one with the unusual relationship with your mom. I can't imagine not speaking with my mom about this particular topic. But we talk about everything.

Maybe. I have a closer relationship with my siblings than a lot of people I know (we are genuine friends and worked to live near each other so we can see each other frequently) and I think a lot of that is that my parents never tolerated or enabled behind-the-back behavior. Not that I would try, but my mom isn't going to let me complain about my sister to her on things that are legitimate differences of opinion. She would say that I need to work whatever issue out with her directly.

This is my mom as well. She will listen to the start of a rant and then say something like "You and Larla should have a conversation. I am sure you can work it out."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Attention Helicopter Parents. Do not become Drone parents by suggesting calling coaches in high school or college professors are a good idea. At some point, your little snowflake will be an adult. Let them become adults without your overbearing behavior.

/rant

Do you think a high schooler is "becoming an adult" by submitting to another adult's unfair rules and judgment without even explaining their wishes? It sounded from OP like this man actually wanted to attend both events. The sister may have even made the decision herself which event to attend. This forum says there would be huge penalties though for him skipping this pre-season tournament. So his decision was possibly more about how to keep on the coaches's good side instead of what he really wanted to do and felt was right. Again I completely fault the coaches and the people who prop these kind of coaches up. I was a varsity athlete from freshman to senior year and I graduated in the top 5% academically. I prefer smart and athletic to dumb jock and dork btw. I know things have changed and everything is so much more competitive but I have to wonder why?

Actually, I don't think that's the take-away from the people who are concerned about the kid being caught in the middle. Skipping the tournament may be just fine, depending on what the coach and team culture are like and on the the kid's abilities and temperament. Many of us were just reacting to the blunt statements that it's always wrong for a child to miss a wedding for sports and that all games and tournaments are the same and are unimportant in the scheme of things, and that anyone who thinks otherwise is teaching their kids bad values/puts sports before family/etc..

As some of the more reasonable posters have pointed out, this whole situation is so fact-specific that it's a bit crazy for anyone to say with certainty how the OP ought react to it. We'd have to know more about not only the sport situation and kid, but the dynamic between the sisters and within the family in general, among other things.

I guess you're right that since we don't even know the sport, it's hard to understand why a particular tournament is or is not special to understand the situation. OP seems to have said enough about her relationship to make the wedding seem special to both of them. Obviously OP thinks sports are important though. She says so and scheduled her wedding around most of them. Everyone keeps talking about letting down a team, but I'm not sure if this is even a team sport OP is talking about. With so many posts I can't find out for sure anymore. She's talking about a girl who has a big tournament at the beginning of the season. Why is this tournament so important if it's the first one? The most important tournaments I know of are at the end of a playing season. I get that a tournament is a repeated series of matches so more important to the team because there are multiple matches.

Are these coaches who take issue with missing an event public high school coaches? As a taxpayer I don't want to be paying these "coaches" to bench children for an entire season because a child asks to miss a game for a wedding or funeral. A lot of these coaches go on to administrative and principal positions. I don't want them there either. A particular child's ability to play on a team impacts the child more than society as a whole. Schools don't lose government funding because their high school teams aren't winning enough games. The first seven postings are all about the dire consequences from missing a game and it's picked up throughout this thread. I've highlighted the scariest comments. I'm just wondering why sports are so rigid and narrow minded and what can be done about it.

Right after OP's original post on page 1 before any back and forth the first poster said "A 14 year old who bails on a high school tournament, isn't going to see much playing time the rest of that year, unless he's a super star, which won't set him up with the skills to move up. For my kid, making it varsity is a huge goal of his high school career. He's not a star player, so he puts a lot of effort into that goal, and letting his team down on a major tournament would be a huge set back." Second response said "He can't miss the tournament. And a 14 year old boy doesn't really need to be at a wedding" Then "I also think that forcing the kid to miss the tournament, with all of the longer-term consequences for his season, is a great way to make sure he resents your wedding." More follow. "He made a commitment to his team and in team sports, you don't not show up for a game. That's just not the culture." "Very important for him to be there. He can offer his congratulations to you at another time. From our experience missing a tournament like this could have an impact on his whole season." "Also in our school system, the coach will tell you to your face "It's OK, no problem" then bench your kid for the rest of the season. I thought I was the only one until I met with a whole group of parents that told me the same thing. Coaches have a really crazy amount of power in the DC area." "My DC is a starting player in his varsity team and is a freshman. He would definitely be penalized for missing a tournament even a practice. The coach would likely tells us it's okay to attend the wedding but penalized him anyway. Coaches make examples out of players to retain control. In their mind if they allow any excuse other than injury and illness, other players will take advantage and that can derail team spirit." I would have considered it if my kid was playing on a freshman team. Making Varsity as a 14 year old is a big deal; you don't miss games." "Unless the nephew has an unusually decent high school coach, there is a strong chance that he will suffer for the decision to skip the wedding, especially given that this will be the first games he has ever played with the high school team. There goes his chance to make a good impression at the start of his high school career. That sort of thing actually can be a make or break moment in a 14 year old's life."

Most of the above posters didn't even see a problem with this setup as if these kids have now been drafted for war and have no choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Attention Helicopter Parents. Do not become Drone parents by suggesting calling coaches in high school or college professors are a good idea. At some point, your little snowflake will be an adult. Let them become adults without your overbearing behavior.

/rant

area." "My DC is a starting player in his varsity team and is a freshman. He would definitely be penalized for missing a tournament even a practice. The coach would likely tells us it's okay to attend the wedding but penalized him anyway. Coaches make examples out of players to retain control. In their mind if they allow any excuse other than injury and illness, other players will take advantage and that can derail team spirit." I would have considered it if my kid was playing on a freshman team. Making Varsity as a 14 year old is a big deal; you don't miss games." "Unless the nephew has an unusually decent high school coach, there is a strong chance that he will suffer for the decision to skip the wedding, especially given that this will be the first games he has ever played with the high school team. There goes his chance to make a good impression at the start of his high school career. That sort of thing actually can be a make or break moment in a 14 year old's life."

Most of the above posters didn't even see a problem with this setup as if these kids have now been drafted for war and have no choice.

we certainly see a problem, but you choose among the choices available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents would have spit nails if grandkids were no shows of an immediate family member they were throwing a wedding for. Maybe our family is closer than others but weddings trump even funerals. They are planned in advance and there is nothing that trumps it except a hospital bed.

Or pettier

This reminds me of families that have to drive to 4 different homes every christms so nobody gets pissed.

#controlfreaks

Who uses hash tags on a forum? Please go do your homework.

People with jobs, specifically advertising.

Wow! Your parent's pettiness did not fall far from the tree.

I wasn't the PP. I just thought your hash tag was childish. Honestly thought you were a 16yr old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents would have spit nails if grandkids were no shows of an immediate family member they were throwing a wedding for. Maybe our family is closer than others but weddings trump even funerals. They are planned in advance and there is nothing that trumps it except a hospital bed.

Or pettier

This reminds me of families that have to drive to 4 different homes every christms so nobody gets pissed.

#controlfreaks

Who uses hash tags on a forum? Please go do your homework.

People with jobs, specifically advertising.

Wow! Your parent's pettiness did not fall far from the tree.

I wasn't the PP. I just thought your hash tag was childish. Honestly thought you were a 16yr old.

If you worked in a business you would see it more often.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am really sorry. Sounds like your sister really has her priorities messed up. The worst part about it is she is teaching her kids this. I think once the wedding gets closer and the day of, the sister will realize splitting up the family and taking her son out of the ceremony will make her sad. Especially looking back at pictures and videos later in life. Sports just get some parents so wound up that it is do or die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am really sorry. Sounds like your sister really has her priorities messed up. The worst part about it is she is teaching her kids this. I think once the wedding gets closer and the day of, the sister will realize splitting up the family and taking her son out of the ceremony will make her sad. Especially looking back at pictures and videos later in life. Sports just get some parents so wound up that it is do or die.

Posters like you don't really help OP. "Splitting up the family"! Come on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Attention Helicopter Parents. Do not become Drone parents by suggesting calling coaches in high school or college professors are a good idea. At some point, your little snowflake will be an adult. Let them become adults without your overbearing behavior.

/rant

area." "My DC is a starting player in his varsity team and is a freshman. He would definitely be penalized for missing a tournament even a practice. The coach would likely tells us it's okay to attend the wedding but penalized him anyway. Coaches make examples out of players to retain control. In their mind if they allow any excuse other than injury and illness, other players will take advantage and that can derail team spirit." I would have considered it if my kid was playing on a freshman team. Making Varsity as a 14 year old is a big deal; you don't miss games." "Unless the nephew has an unusually decent high school coach, there is a strong chance that he will suffer for the decision to skip the wedding, especially given that this will be the first games he has ever played with the high school team. There goes his chance to make a good impression at the start of his high school career. That sort of thing actually can be a make or break moment in a 14 year old's life."

Most of the above posters didn't even see a problem with this setup as if these kids have now been drafted for war and have no choice.

we certainly see a problem, but you choose among the choices available.

Since it directly affects your family however what are you doing to try to change things? It should be you as a parent to take the first step if you really feel there is a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not relating to the bridezilla caller at all. Probably bc it's fake.

Me thinks you did not read the thread or are way projecting.

Why have a wedding if you don't care if your family and close friends come? Nice she gives a shit about the nephew attending and doesn't just consider him a disposable teen.

What do you mean by fake? No, I didn't read the thread. I read what OP wrote and responded (gasp!) without the need to wade through 25 pages of pure boredom.

What do you think I am projecting? The fact that I wouldn't flip out at the thought of a teenage nephew being more interested in football than weddings? I guess I am projecting then

[Anonymous]

No one said the teen was more interested in sports or his sporting event. There were no posts about the teen's perspective, except conjecture. He may have rather gone to the wedding or really wanted to go to both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous



No one said the teen was more interested in sports or his sporting event. There were no posts about the teen's perspective, except conjecture. He may have rather gone to the wedding or really wanted to go to both.

Yep I think the OP and sister have some other issues going. Bet it has to do with a 40 year old bridezilla.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous



No one said the teen was more interested in sports or his sporting event. There were no posts about the teen's perspective, except conjecture. He may have rather gone to the wedding or really wanted to go to both.

Yep I think the OP and sister have some other issues going. Bet it has to do with a 40 year old bridezilla.

More conjecture. You really like that word don't you.

[Anonymous]

14 yr old boys do not give a damn about weddings. Don"t be insulted or hurt, it's just life.