When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because I want nothing to damage my kid’s relationship with my ex.

I don't understand why your need to help your ex trumps your own relationship with your kids and your own relationship with yourself. Why do you keep needing to help your ex? If the kids see him/her on their own and you made the divorce not about them what difference does it make? I really don't understand how hiding something someone did helps anyone. This is where we differ. If we really want our children to accept us as who we are and accept themselves as who they are, we have to actually be who we are.

I am on the side of not sharing. But I agree with this. I am not covering for a lying bastard.

If I don't tell, it's because I don't want to sound like the world is coming to an end( which is the way I would feel in the moment), and scare or scar my children even more.

"He hurt me badly, so i dont want to live with him anymore. We are moving on and making some changes to redefine the family dynamics now that we are in separate houses. We will all be fine. We might struggle some, but we will be fine."

If I could tell them the above with a straight face, I will. I believe this objectively, but I am not sure I will feel this way in the first couple of years if my DH chested. And I wouldn't want to make it sound like their lives are over because their father cheated. There are plenty of children living in broken homes who are living their best lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because I want nothing to damage my kid’s relationship with my ex.

I don't understand why your need to help your ex trumps your own relationship with your kids and your own relationship with yourself. Why do you keep needing to help your ex? If the kids see him/her on their own and you made the divorce not about them what difference does it make? I really don't understand how hiding something someone did helps anyone. This is where we differ. If we really want our children to accept us as who we are and accept themselves as who they are, we have to actually be who we are.

Well said. It makes no sense to me as well. Honestly I sort of wonder if people who were cheated on were so beaten down by their spouses that even in divorce, they put their cheating spouses above all else.

People are just trying to do right by their children. They are trying to put their children first. You might not agree with the way they are going about it, but surely you can see the intention. It's obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regardless of the reason for the divorce, I simply don't understand why a one-sentence truthful answer is a problem for children. I divorced your mom because she was lying to me about purchases and draining our bank account and I couldn't get her to be truthful to me. I divorced your dad because he was an alcoholic and when he drank he became violent with me. I divorced your mom because while at work she was having an affair for years with the neighbor and is now going to marry him. I get not making the person out to be all bad and going on and on about it, but I don't understand lying or complete avoidance.

Of course this is the correct approach. These bizarre “we grew apart” liars are deluding themselves.

No, we're putting our kids first and protecting them from grownup issues they are not developmentally equipped to understand. Your willingness to hurt them for no good reason at all speaks volumes about your selfishness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regardless of the reason for the divorce, I simply don't understand why a one-sentence truthful answer is a problem for children. I divorced your mom because she was lying to me about purchases and draining our bank account and I couldn't get her to be truthful to me. I divorced your dad because he was an alcoholic and when he drank he became violent with me. I divorced your mom because while at work she was having an affair for years with the neighbor and is now going to marry him. I get not making the person out to be all bad and going on and on about it, but I don't understand lying or complete avoidance.

Of course this is the correct approach. These bizarre “we grew apart” liars are deluding themselves.

No, we're putting our kids first and protecting them from grownup issues they are not developmentally equipped to understand. Your willingness to hurt them for no good reason at all speaks volumes about your selfishness.

But there is good reason which has been explained. You just don’t see it. I could also say you were trying to live a fairy tale life that you weren’t rejected for another or whatever you are afraid of. If my ex is good then so am I type of thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regardless of the reason for the divorce, I simply don't understand why a one-sentence truthful answer is a problem for children. I divorced your mom because she was lying to me about purchases and draining our bank account and I couldn't get her to be truthful to me. I divorced your dad because he was an alcoholic and when he drank he became violent with me. I divorced your mom because while at work she was having an affair for years with the neighbor and is now going to marry him. I get not making the person out to be all bad and going on and on about it, but I don't understand lying or complete avoidance.

Of course this is the correct approach. These bizarre “we grew apart” liars are deluding themselves.

No, we're putting our kids first and protecting them from grownup issues they are not developmentally equipped to understand. Your willingness to hurt them for no good reason at all speaks volumes about your selfishness.

Why can’t the cheater put their kids first and not cheat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regardless of the reason for the divorce, I simply don't understand why a one-sentence truthful answer is a problem for children. I divorced your mom because she was lying to me about purchases and draining our bank account and I couldn't get her to be truthful to me. I divorced your dad because he was an alcoholic and when he drank he became violent with me. I divorced your mom because while at work she was having an affair for years with the neighbor and is now going to marry him. I get not making the person out to be all bad and going on and on about it, but I don't understand lying or complete avoidance.

Of course this is the correct approach. These bizarre “we grew apart” liars are deluding themselves.

No, we're putting our kids first and protecting them from grownup issues they are not developmentally equipped to understand. Your willingness to hurt them for no good reason at all speaks volumes about your selfishness.

Delusional. Absolutely delusional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regardless of the reason for the divorce, I simply don't understand why a one-sentence truthful answer is a problem for children. I divorced your mom because she was lying to me about purchases and draining our bank account and I couldn't get her to be truthful to me. I divorced your dad because he was an alcoholic and when he drank he became violent with me. I divorced your mom because while at work she was having an affair for years with the neighbor and is now going to marry him. I get not making the person out to be all bad and going on and on about it, but I don't understand lying or complete avoidance.

Of course this is the correct approach. These bizarre “we grew apart” liars are deluding themselves.

No, we're putting our kids first and protecting them from grownup issues they are not developmentally equipped to understand. Your willingness to hurt them for no good reason at all speaks volumes about your selfishness.

Why can’t the cheater put their kids first and not cheat?

False equivalency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regardless of the reason for the divorce, I simply don't understand why a one-sentence truthful answer is a problem for children. I divorced your mom because she was lying to me about purchases and draining our bank account and I couldn't get her to be truthful to me. I divorced your dad because he was an alcoholic and when he drank he became violent with me. I divorced your mom because while at work she was having an affair for years with the neighbor and is now going to marry him. I get not making the person out to be all bad and going on and on about it, but I don't understand lying or complete avoidance.

Of course this is the correct approach. These bizarre “we grew apart” liars are deluding themselves.

No, we're putting our kids first and protecting them from grownup issues they are not developmentally equipped to understand. Your willingness to hurt them for no good reason at all speaks volumes about your selfishness.

Delusional. Absolutely delusional.

Selfish. Absolutely selfish.

[Anonymous]

I would never tell.

[Anonymous]

A balanced answer from 'Psychology Today.' Basically it depends, but generally "no" unless there is a compelling reason to disclose (don't gaslight them if they encountered direct evidence or could be told at school, for example).

"No matter what, the information you share with your kids should be age appropriate. If your kids are more than a few years apart in age, you may need to have multiple conversations. If your children are very young, your disclosure might stop with a basic statement that mommy and daddy are mad at each other right now because of something one of them did. Then you can let them know that it’s not their fault, they can’t fix it or control it, and it’s OK for them to talk about their feelings. If you are actively working to heal from this issue, you can tell them that as well.

Older kids may ask questions about the specific nature of the situation and the possibility of divorce. If so, I suggest general but honest responses. If your kids have inadvertently found sexts or porn on the cheater’s laptop or phone, heard rumors about the infidelity at school, or walked in on the cheater in the act, you may need to confirm that, yes, there was infidelity. If so, do not get into specifics, and make sure you use age-appropriate language."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regardless of the reason for the divorce, I simply don't understand why a one-sentence truthful answer is a problem for children. I divorced your mom because she was lying to me about purchases and draining our bank account and I couldn't get her to be truthful to me. I divorced your dad because he was an alcoholic and when he drank he became violent with me. I divorced your mom because while at work she was having an affair for years with the neighbor and is now going to marry him. I get not making the person out to be all bad and going on and on about it, but I don't understand lying or complete avoidance.

Of course this is the correct approach. These bizarre “we grew apart” liars are deluding themselves.

No, we're putting our kids first and protecting them from grownup issues they are not developmentally equipped to understand. Your willingness to hurt them for no good reason at all speaks volumes about your selfishness.

Why can’t the cheater put their kids first and not cheat?

False equivalency.

Could you explain why it’s false equivalency?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A balanced answer from 'Psychology Today.' Basically it depends, but generally "no" unless there is a compelling reason to disclose (don't gaslight them if they encountered direct evidence or could be told at school, for example).

"No matter what, the information you share with your kids should be age appropriate. If your kids are more than a few years apart in age, you may need to have multiple conversations. If your children are very young, your disclosure might stop with a basic statement that mommy and daddy are mad at each other right now because of something one of them did. Then you can let them know that it’s not their fault, they can’t fix it or control it, and it’s OK for them to talk about their feelings. If you are actively working to heal from this issue, you can tell them that as well.

Older kids may ask questions about the specific nature of the situation and the possibility of divorce. If so, I suggest general but honest responses. If your kids have inadvertently found sexts or porn on the cheater’s laptop or phone, heard rumors about the infidelity at school, or walked in on the cheater in the act, you may need to confirm that, yes, there was infidelity. If so, do not get into specifics, and make sure you use age-appropriate language."

This is about if infidelity occured. Not about a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A balanced answer from 'Psychology Today.' Basically it depends, but generally "no" unless there is a compelling reason to disclose (don't gaslight them if they encountered direct evidence or could be told at school, for example).

"No matter what, the information you share with your kids should be age appropriate. If your kids are more than a few years apart in age, you may need to have multiple conversations. If your children are very young, your disclosure might stop with a basic statement that mommy and daddy are mad at each other right now because of something one of them did. Then you can let them know that it’s not their fault, they can’t fix it or control it, and it’s OK for them to talk about their feelings. If you are actively working to heal from this issue, you can tell them that as well.

Older kids may ask questions about the specific nature of the situation and the possibility of divorce. If so, I suggest general but honest responses. If your kids have inadvertently found sexts or porn on the cheater’s laptop or phone, heard rumors about the infidelity at school, or walked in on the cheater in the act, you may need to confirm that, yes, there was infidelity. If so, do not get into specifics, and make sure you use age-appropriate language."

This is about if infidelity occured. Not about a divorce.

And I'm one of the people that disclosed to my kids the reason why the divorce but for a year we were working on the relationship before I found out the infidelity went years back and wasn't changing so I would never really mention anything other than Mom and Dad had an argument about grownup stuff before actually divorcing. But when we actually got divorced, it completely changed their life, so then it seems dismissive to them to pretend it was over something smaller.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because I want nothing to damage my kid’s relationship with my ex.

I don't understand why your need to help your ex trumps your own relationship with your kids and your own relationship with yourself. Why do you keep needing to help your ex? If the kids see him/her on their own and you made the divorce not about them what difference does it make? I really don't understand how hiding something someone did helps anyone. This is where we differ. If we really want our children to accept us as who we are and accept themselves as who they are, we have to actually be who we are.

She's not helping her ex. She's helping her kid, who is better off if they have a good relationship with her ex. And she cares about her kid's wellbeing more than she cares about hurting her ex so is comfortable doing something that will be good for her child, even if a side effect is that it will help her ex.

Your lack of understanding that is truly at the crux of the argument between the two sides here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because I want nothing to damage my kid’s relationship with my ex.

I don't understand why your need to help your ex trumps your own relationship with your kids and your own relationship with yourself. Why do you keep needing to help your ex? If the kids see him/her on their own and you made the divorce not about them what difference does it make? I really don't understand how hiding something someone did helps anyone. This is where we differ. If we really want our children to accept us as who we are and accept themselves as who they are, we have to actually be who we are.

She's not helping her ex. She's helping her kid, who is better off if they have a good relationship with her ex. And she cares about her kid's wellbeing more than she cares about hurting her ex so is comfortable doing something that will be good for her child, even if a side effect is that it will help her ex.

Your lack of understanding that is truly at the crux of the argument between the two sides here.

But she's not helping her child. She's presenting a false world.