is nose-to-wall timeout too harsh?

[Anonymous]

Anything intended to be humiliating is not OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, does your daughter also go to time out for interacting with her brother during his time out?

she's 7, and we don't do timeout with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of people have easy kids here.

It’s fine if it works. You’re not endangering him in anyway. He can still communicate if something were seriously wrong.

Well if you have a truly difficult child, I would think you would need to be even more thoughtful about discipline/behavior course correction. Not because this kind of punishment is abusive, but because it won't be effective. Just flying by the seat of your pants when it comes to parenting isn't going to cut it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not helpful at all. I say this as someone who thinks this is a relatively mild punishment, but it's just plain not helpful. When I was a child, I had to do the same, while holding up a phonebook above my head, being smacked every time my arms started lowering, and then left there for an hour. Just made me more resentful.

there's a big difference between what you experienced, and a 5-minute time-out where the child has to face the wall if they're talking. "nose to wall" is a cue for the child to physically know what they are supposed to do. that said, there's a lot more context we're missing. how often are the time-outs? what kind of behavior are they for? is the discipline working in general - you're seeing the child learn and display better behavior? do you have a plan for when the child grows out of time outs? (5-6 is kind of the limit IMO.)

once a week or so. he is a pretty rough player and we are still working on using words instead of hitting, not shoving, etc. yes, we are working on this behavior and others--timeouts are part of a larger plan and toolbox.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds insane to me. I do timeouts, but they're in the kid's room and they can come out whenever they want as long as they are ready to be calm and kind. It's intended as an emotional reset, not some sort of ritualistic humiliation.

X100000000

all kids are different. my child with behavioral issues HATES to be alone - sending him to his room is impossible and the process of getting him there just makes the discipline process into a power struggle instead of a brief, swift consequence. and, in many cases, the kid actually needs a punishment instead of an "emotional reset." agree that the punishment should not be designed to be humiliating, but it has to be some kind of unpleasant to work. in general parents far over-estimate how unpleasant it needs to be. but OP's timeout facing the wall doesn't seem that off to me.

Kids don't need punishments. They really don't. You don't have to intentionally make life unpleasant just for the sake of making it more unpleasant in order to be a good parent. Your job as a parent isn't to coax a particular behavior out of a child, its to provide a good environment and lots of love so they can have a safe space to find their way in the world. This often means not letting them do something they would want to do, but that's just a natural consequence of life, not a punishment imposed by the parent.

I don't know how well I'm explaining this but lots of parenting books talk about discipline v. punishment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds insane to me. I do timeouts, but they're in the kid's room and they can come out whenever they want as long as they are ready to be calm and kind. It's intended as an emotional reset, not some sort of ritualistic humiliation.

X100000000

all kids are different. my child with behavioral issues HATES to be alone - sending him to his room is impossible and the process of getting him there just makes the discipline process into a power struggle instead of a brief, swift consequence. and, in many cases, the kid actually needs a punishment instead of an "emotional reset." agree that the punishment should not be designed to be humiliating, but it has to be some kind of unpleasant to work. in general parents far over-estimate how unpleasant it needs to be. but OP's timeout facing the wall doesn't seem that off to me.

Kids don't need punishments. They really don't. You don't have to intentionally make life unpleasant just for the sake of making it more unpleasant in order to be a good parent. Your job as a parent isn't to coax a particular behavior out of a child, its to provide a good environment and lots of love so they can have a safe space to find their way in the world. This often means not letting them do something they would want to do, but that's just a natural consequence of life, not a punishment imposed by the parent.

I don't know how well I'm explaining this but lots of parenting books talk about discipline v. punishment.

1000% agree. This technique is designed to humiliate and shame, not to teach. What is the logical consequence of the action that is leading to the nose on the wall time out? Impose the logical consequence, not the humiliating requirement ot stand in a corner with a nose to the wall.

[Anonymous]

i used it. it worked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds insane to me. I do timeouts, but they're in the kid's room and they can come out whenever they want as long as they are ready to be calm and kind. It's intended as an emotional reset, not some sort of ritualistic humiliation.

X100000000

all kids are different. my child with behavioral issues HATES to be alone - sending him to his room is impossible and the process of getting him there just makes the discipline process into a power struggle instead of a brief, swift consequence. and, in many cases, the kid actually needs a punishment instead of an "emotional reset." agree that the punishment should not be designed to be humiliating, but it has to be some kind of unpleasant to work. in general parents far over-estimate how unpleasant it needs to be. but OP's timeout facing the wall doesn't seem that off to me.

Kids don't need punishments. They really don't. You don't have to intentionally make life unpleasant just for the sake of making it more unpleasant in order to be a good parent. Your job as a parent isn't to coax a particular behavior out of a child, its to provide a good environment and lots of love so they can have a safe space to find their way in the world. This often means not letting them do something they would want to do, but that's just a natural consequence of life, not a punishment imposed by the parent.

I don't know how well I'm explaining this but lots of parenting books talk about discipline v. punishment.

YOUR kids don't. MY kid (and many) needs appropriate punishment to establish boundaries and learn appropriate behavior. But lol yeah, please tell all of us dealing with disruptive behavior that all we need is to "provide a good environment and lots of love." You think I don't love my kid? I love my kid enought that I got actual advice from an actually qualified child psychologist instead of reading "parenting books."

[Anonymous]

This makes me feel uncomfortable and I wouldn't do it to my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, does your daughter also go to time out for interacting with her brother during his time out?

she's 7, and we don't do timeout with her.

What do you do with her? Is she provoking him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, does your daughter also go to time out for interacting with her brother during his time out?

she's 7, and we don't do timeout with her.

Why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, does your daughter also go to time out for interacting with her brother during his time out?

she's 7, and we don't do timeout with her.

Why not?

she is a little too old I think. she doesn't really misbehave too much but usually a privilege is taken away if she does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, does your daughter also go to time out for interacting with her brother during his time out?

she's 7, and we don't do timeout with her.

What do you do with her? Is she provoking him?

I mean, she engages with him when he calls her name but she doesn't engage if unprovoked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds insane to me. I do timeouts, but they're in the kid's room and they can come out whenever they want as long as they are ready to be calm and kind. It's intended as an emotional reset, not some sort of ritualistic humiliation.

X100000000

all kids are different. my child with behavioral issues HATES to be alone - sending him to his room is impossible and the process of getting him there just makes the discipline process into a power struggle instead of a brief, swift consequence. and, in many cases, the kid actually needs a punishment instead of an "emotional reset." agree that the punishment should not be designed to be humiliating, but it has to be some kind of unpleasant to work. in general parents far over-estimate how unpleasant it needs to be. but OP's timeout facing the wall doesn't seem that off to me.

Kids don't need punishments. They really don't. You don't have to intentionally make life unpleasant just for the sake of making it more unpleasant in order to be a good parent. Your job as a parent isn't to coax a particular behavior out of a child, its to provide a good environment and lots of love so they can have a safe space to find their way in the world. This often means not letting them do something they would want to do, but that's just a natural consequence of life, not a punishment imposed by the parent.

I don't know how well I'm explaining this but lots of parenting books talk about discipline v. punishment.

YOUR kids don't. MY kid (and many) needs appropriate punishment to establish boundaries and learn appropriate behavior. But lol yeah, please tell all of us dealing with disruptive behavior that all we need is to "provide a good environment and lots of love." You think I don't love my kid? I love my kid enought that I got actual advice from an actually qualified child psychologist instead of reading "parenting books."

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds insane to me. I do timeouts, but they're in the kid's room and they can come out whenever they want as long as they are ready to be calm and kind. It's intended as an emotional reset, not some sort of ritualistic humiliation.

X100000000

all kids are different. my child with behavioral issues HATES to be alone - sending him to his room is impossible and the process of getting him there just makes the discipline process into a power struggle instead of a brief, swift consequence. and, in many cases, the kid actually needs a punishment instead of an "emotional reset." agree that the punishment should not be designed to be humiliating, but it has to be some kind of unpleasant to work. in general parents far over-estimate how unpleasant it needs to be. but OP's timeout facing the wall doesn't seem that off to me.

Kids don't need punishments. They really don't. You don't have to intentionally make life unpleasant just for the sake of making it more unpleasant in order to be a good parent. Your job as a parent isn't to coax a particular behavior out of a child, its to provide a good environment and lots of love so they can have a safe space to find their way in the world. This often means not letting them do something they would want to do, but that's just a natural consequence of life, not a punishment imposed by the parent.

I don't know how well I'm explaining this but lots of parenting books talk about discipline v. punishment.

1000% agree. This technique is designed to humiliate and shame, not to teach. What is the logical consequence of the action that is leading to the nose on the wall time out? Impose the logical consequence, not the humiliating requirement ot stand in a corner with a nose to the wall.

op here. we usually do time outs when he is being too rough or hitting or doing someone to provoke -- the logical consequence would be- you need to take a break (hence a time out). but then he started yelling and trying to get attention in the time out, engaging with sister, etc. so I guess that lead to the "logical" (Maybe not) consequence of having to face the wall. I am not saying it is right.