is nose-to-wall timeout too harsh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds insane to me. I do timeouts, but they're in the kid's room and they can come out whenever they want as long as they are ready to be calm and kind. It's intended as an emotional reset, not some sort of ritualistic humiliation.

Plus 1. I have well behaved 14 and 11 year old DCs and we used the method described above. You want to teach your kids to self regulate, and I can’t imagine op’s method accomplishes the goal.

I don't think it sounds insane, but I cannot fathom why you would do it. Can the child not go to a different room to get some alone time for an emotional reset rather than have to stay around other people?

I agree that would be a good idea. My problem is, we have a small house and pretty much all the areas besides bedrooms are well trafficked/public!!

[Anonymous]

I think facing the wall is ok. If you are actually saying his nose has to touch the wall the whole time, that's a bit over the top.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think facing the wall is ok. If you are actually saying his nose has to touch the wall the whole time, that's a bit over the top.

it kinda just morphed into that...one day he was sitting in the designated "spot" and started yelling his sister's name and trying to get her to engage, so DH told him to turn around and face the wall...he did for awhile, then turned back around and started yelling and being a goof and trying to get us to engage with him...so to get him to stop dh told him he needed to keep his nose touching the wall or the timer would start over yea, it seems kind of sadistic when I type it out! We do tend to take privileges away more often now, but I still do like timeouts for those times when he just needs to calm down and be removed from the situation...

[Anonymous]

No as long as it's a reasonable amount of time for the child's age (op sounds like it is) and reasonably soon after the offense, also by age, for the child to connect the offense to the consequence. Sounds fine. We do similar (chair facing a boring corner for [age] # of minutes to "think about what you did" followed by a discussion & if applicable brainstorming ways to "make it right").

[Anonymous]

Depends on the child.

Nanny here. I've had a few hyperactive children who could focus on holding up and moving a penny on the wall for 5 minutes (and thought it was fun, and it helped them calm down) who couldn't sit still for 5 minutes. I've had a few children who needed to have unlimited time in their rooms to calm down... without active toys, but with books and stuffed animals. Then there are other children who do best with a 5 minute timeout on a step.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the child.

Nanny here. I've had a few hyperactive children who could focus on holding up and moving a penny on the wall for 5 minutes (and thought it was fun, and it helped them calm down) who couldn't sit still for 5 minutes. I've had a few children who needed to have unlimited time in their rooms to calm down... without active toys, but with books and stuffed animals. Then there are other children who do best with a 5 minute timeout on a step.

You sound like an abusive nanny. That is not ok at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, does your daughter also go to time out for interacting with her brother during his time out?

she's 7, and we don't do timeout with her.

Why not?

she is a little too old I think. she doesn't really misbehave too much but usually a privilege is taken away if she does.

If time outs aren't working for the little one, try something different like losing privileges. Are you sure she's not provoking him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds insane to me. I do timeouts, but they're in the kid's room and they can come out whenever they want as long as they are ready to be calm and kind. It's intended as an emotional reset, not some sort of ritualistic humiliation.

X100000000

all kids are different. my child with behavioral issues HATES to be alone - sending him to his room is impossible and the process of getting him there just makes the discipline process into a power struggle instead of a brief, swift consequence. and, in many cases, the kid actually needs a punishment instead of an "emotional reset." agree that the punishment should not be designed to be humiliating, but it has to be some kind of unpleasant to work. in general parents far over-estimate how unpleasant it needs to be. but OP's timeout facing the wall doesn't seem that off to me.

Kids don't need punishments. They really don't. You don't have to intentionally make life unpleasant just for the sake of making it more unpleasant in order to be a good parent. Your job as a parent isn't to coax a particular behavior out of a child, its to provide a good environment and lots of love so they can have a safe space to find their way in the world. This often means not letting them do something they would want to do, but that's just a natural consequence of life, not a punishment imposed by the parent.

I don't know how well I'm explaining this but lots of parenting books talk about discipline v. punishment.

1000% agree. This technique is designed to humiliate and shame, not to teach. What is the logical consequence of the action that is leading to the nose on the wall time out? Impose the logical consequence, not the humiliating requirement ot stand in a corner with a nose to the wall.

op here. we usually do time outs when he is being too rough or hitting or doing someone to provoke -- the logical consequence would be- you need to take a break (hence a time out). but then he started yelling and trying to get attention in the time out, engaging with sister, etc. so I guess that lead to the "logical" (Maybe not) consequence of having to face the wall. I am not saying it is right.

Change your parenting and stop him before he is able to hit or act out. Look at what the trigger is. Is the sister provoking him till he gets mad to get him in trouble?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, does your daughter also go to time out for interacting with her brother during his time out?

she's 7, and we don't do timeout with her.

Why not?

she is a little too old I think. she doesn't really misbehave too much but usually a privilege is taken away if she does.

If time outs aren't working for the little one, try something different like losing privileges. Are you sure she's not provoking him?

We do take away privileges as well. No, she doesn't provoke him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds insane to me. I do timeouts, but they're in the kid's room and they can come out whenever they want as long as they are ready to be calm and kind. It's intended as an emotional reset, not some sort of ritualistic humiliation.

X100000000

all kids are different. my child with behavioral issues HATES to be alone - sending him to his room is impossible and the process of getting him there just makes the discipline process into a power struggle instead of a brief, swift consequence. and, in many cases, the kid actually needs a punishment instead of an "emotional reset." agree that the punishment should not be designed to be humiliating, but it has to be some kind of unpleasant to work. in general parents far over-estimate how unpleasant it needs to be. but OP's timeout facing the wall doesn't seem that off to me.

Kids don't need punishments. They really don't. You don't have to intentionally make life unpleasant just for the sake of making it more unpleasant in order to be a good parent. Your job as a parent isn't to coax a particular behavior out of a child, its to provide a good environment and lots of love so they can have a safe space to find their way in the world. This often means not letting them do something they would want to do, but that's just a natural consequence of life, not a punishment imposed by the parent.

I don't know how well I'm explaining this but lots of parenting books talk about discipline v. punishment.

1000% agree. This technique is designed to humiliate and shame, not to teach. What is the logical consequence of the action that is leading to the nose on the wall time out? Impose the logical consequence, not the humiliating requirement ot stand in a corner with a nose to the wall.

op here. we usually do time outs when he is being too rough or hitting or doing someone to provoke -- the logical consequence would be- you need to take a break (hence a time out). but then he started yelling and trying to get attention in the time out, engaging with sister, etc. so I guess that lead to the "logical" (Maybe not) consequence of having to face the wall. I am not saying it is right.

Change your parenting and stop him before he is able to hit or act out. Look at what the trigger is. Is the sister provoking him till he gets mad to get him in trouble?

He's 5, not 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sounds insane to me. I do timeouts, but they're in the kid's room and they can come out whenever they want as long as they are ready to be calm and kind. It's intended as an emotional reset, not some sort of ritualistic humiliation.

My mom used to do this to me. She was an abusive horror, and this was nothing in the grand scheme. But you know what, op? It still sucked. It didn’t help me calm down. It was a power move: “look, kid, I can make you put your nose against a wall for hours.”

If you do this, you suck too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds insane to me. I do timeouts, but they're in the kid's room and they can come out whenever they want as long as they are ready to be calm and kind. It's intended as an emotional reset, not some sort of ritualistic humiliation.

X100000000

all kids are different. my child with behavioral issues HATES to be alone - sending him to his room is impossible and the process of getting him there just makes the discipline process into a power struggle instead of a brief, swift consequence. and, in many cases, the kid actually needs a punishment instead of an "emotional reset." agree that the punishment should not be designed to be humiliating, but it has to be some kind of unpleasant to work. in general parents far over-estimate how unpleasant it needs to be. but OP's timeout facing the wall doesn't seem that off to me.

Kids don't need punishments. They really don't. You don't have to intentionally make life unpleasant just for the sake of making it more unpleasant in order to be a good parent. Your job as a parent isn't to coax a particular behavior out of a child, its to provide a good environment and lots of love so they can have a safe space to find their way in the world. This often means not letting them do something they would want to do, but that's just a natural consequence of life, not a punishment imposed by the parent.

I don't know how well I'm explaining this but lots of parenting books talk about discipline v. punishment.

YOUR kids don't. MY kid (and many) needs appropriate punishment to establish boundaries and learn appropriate behavior. But lol yeah, please tell all of us dealing with disruptive behavior that all we need is to "provide a good environment and lots of love." You think I don't love my kid? I love my kid enought that I got actual advice from an actually qualified child psychologist instead of reading "parenting books."

The child psychologist said that you need to punish your child? I am intrigued.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think facing the wall is ok. If you are actually saying his nose has to touch the wall the whole time, that's a bit over the top.

it kinda just morphed into that...one day he was sitting in the designated "spot" and started yelling his sister's name and trying to get her to engage, so DH told him to turn around and face the wall...he did for awhile, then turned back around and started yelling and being a goof and trying to get us to engage with him...so to get him to stop dh told him he needed to keep his nose touching the wall or the timer would start over yea, it seems kind of sadistic when I type it out! We do tend to take privileges away more often now, but I still do like timeouts for those times when he just needs to calm down and be removed from the situation...

Does this actually calm him down or just stop the behavior you don’t want?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds insane to me. I do timeouts, but they're in the kid's room and they can come out whenever they want as long as they are ready to be calm and kind. It's intended as an emotional reset, not some sort of ritualistic humiliation.

My mom used to do this to me. She was an abusive horror, and this was nothing in the grand scheme. But you know what, op? It still sucked. It didn’t help me calm down. It was a power move: “look, kid, I can make you put your nose against a wall for hours.”

If you do this, you suck too.

As OP stated, it's no more than 5 minutes. Not hours. Any form of discipline can be abusive, as your mother proved. 5 minutes is not abusive.