Married friends coming out?

[Anonymous]

Holy $hit. I did not “decide” to change teams. I was a SAHM when I realized and acknowledged what was always true. When I realized I might not be able to stay in the marriage, I began busting my ass to find a job, then a better job, then better and better until I was in a place where I could support the kids on my own if I needed to. When I got there, I told him I was leaving.

Let's suss out the facts here. You realizing that "you may not be able to stay in the marriage" means you began planning to leave him. Did you tell him at that time? No. Again, how is this any different than if he was planning to leave you for another woman and kept quiet because it was better for him.

When you say "I began busting my ass to find a job, then a better job, then better and better until I was in a place where I could support the kids on my own if I needed to. When I got there, I told him I was leaving" you mean "I hid my plans until things were good for me economically, then I told him." You use your kids as an excuse for the deception.

Honestly I might have left him anyway - he has never supported me in the career, only put me down, told me I would never be anything, constant complainer, happy to put his feet up after work while I did the second shift. Sorry, not sorry.

Did you leave him because you are gay or because he was a bad husband? I bet he is sorry he did not know what you felt sooner.

What would you have me do?

As every post I have made suggests, you should have been honest from the start. The moment you knew that you could no longer be happy with him you should have let him know. Too late. And, you have modeled how to lie for your kids.

[Anonymous]

I suppose I don’t know what it’s like to tell a child you’re leaving because you fell in love with someone else, but my straight and gay friends who were in mixed orientation marriages say that their kids took it really well. When the issue is mixed orientation, there is no betrayal of the straight spouse. It is completely different. And it is great for kids to see their parents not suffer through a marriage just because our heteronormative culture demands it.

Your friends saying their kids "took it really well" is not proof in any sense of the word.

A man leaving his wife for another man or woman leaving her husband for another woman is a betrayal of the spouse that was left behind. You are using the "mixed orientation" term as a justification of the separation when just about any distinguishing factor (race, appearance) could be used in the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suppose I don’t know what it’s like to tell a child you’re leaving because you fell in love with someone else, but my straight and gay friends who were in mixed orientation marriages say that their kids took it really well. When the issue is mixed orientation, there is no betrayal of the straight spouse. It is completely different. And it is great for kids to see their parents not suffer through a marriage just because our heteronormative culture demands it.

Your friends saying their kids "took it really well" is not proof in any sense of the word.

A man leaving his wife for another man or woman leaving her husband for another woman is a betrayal of the spouse that was left behind. You are using the "mixed orientation" term as a justification of the separation when just about any distinguishing factor (race, appearance) could be used in the same way.

Oh god. No. You are so wrong about many things but that last sentence especially.

Let’s say you are a straight woman. What if from the moment you were born, everyone told you you had to marry a woman. You had to have sex, have a romantic life, cuddle, etc., with a woman. You would never get butterflies, enjoy sex, etc. Can you see how awful that would be, even if you could build a good friendship and partnership? There would be something seriously missing in your life.

And that’s why this is a different scenario for the kids than it would be for one parent to leave for another person of the same orientation (though I don’t think infidelity is acceptable in either scenario)

I know you won’t believe me about any of this because for some reason you seem to be highly upset about it. But if you do a little research on this you will learn a lot.


And

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Holy $hit. I did not “decide” to change teams. I was a SAHM when I realized and acknowledged what was always true. When I realized I might not be able to stay in the marriage, I began busting my ass to find a job, then a better job, then better and better until I was in a place where I could support the kids on my own if I needed to. When I got there, I told him I was leaving.

Let's suss out the facts here. You realizing that "you may not be able to stay in the marriage" means you began planning to leave him. Did you tell him at that time? No. Again, how is this any different than if he was planning to leave you for another woman and kept quiet because it was better for him.

When you say "I began busting my ass to find a job, then a better job, then better and better until I was in a place where I could support the kids on my own if I needed to. When I got there, I told him I was leaving" you mean "I hid my plans until things were good for me economically, then I told him." You use your kids as an excuse for the deception.

Honestly I might have left him anyway - he has never supported me in the career, only put me down, told me I would never be anything, constant complainer, happy to put his feet up after work while I did the second shift. Sorry, not sorry.

Did you leave him because you are gay or because he was a bad husband? I bet he is sorry he did not know what you felt sooner.

What would you have me do?

As every post I have made suggests, you should have been honest from the start. The moment you knew that you could no longer be happy with him you should have let him know. Too late. And, you have modeled how to lie for your kids.

^ that flies in the face of the advice of all advice here on DCUM about what you should do when you decide to leave your spouse. You don’t just tell him the instant you decide if you aren’t prepared. That’s not smart. You prepare first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this is new. Women have always had far more intense personal relationships with other women than men have with men. Some reach a point in their married lives where they are unhappy and they really lean on their friends and one thing can lead to another. I saw this years ago with a couple of my mothers friends who are now in their 70’s.

I’m happily married but I’m bi-curious but it’s not something I will act on. If for some reason my marriage ended it’s something I’d consider.

Same. And it seems more attractive to be sexually flexible as I get older. I’m not interested in cheating, but I wish I’d realized this about myself when I was younger and single.

[Anonymous]

In this thread: the female version of Red Pilled / MGTOW.

[Anonymous]

Oh god. No. You are so wrong about many things but that last sentence especially.

Let’s say you are a straight woman. What if from the moment you were born, everyone told you you had to marry a woman. You had to have sex, have a romantic life, cuddle, etc., with a woman. You would never get butterflies, enjoy sex, etc. Can you see how awful that would be, even if you could build a good friendship and partnership? There would be something seriously missing in your life.

And that’s why this is a different scenario for the kids than it would be for one parent to leave for another person of the same orientation (though I don’t think infidelity is acceptable in either scenario)

I know you won’t believe me about any of this because for some reason you seem to be highly upset about it. But if you do a little research on this, you will learn a lot.

Again, you have no proof that it is different. Without proof (e.g., using verifiable facts), no one should believe you.

I am not upset. I am disappointed that you cannot admit you hid your intentions to leave your husband. Neither you nor your children were being abused (a solid reason you might hide your intent to leave.)

This is an Anonymous chat board. However, even here, you cannot admit you hid the truth from your DH so that it would benefit you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think all women are tired of putting up with men. The me too movement also brought with it just being able to openly say how annoying they are. The pandemic had to have made this worse. Dealing with one 24/7 can feel pretty oppressive. I think I would rather be alone than find a woman to be with, but I get it. I’m hanging on by a thread.

And men are done dealing with tired old hags like you who do nothing but complain about men.

NP. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!

Complaining hag spotted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suppose I don’t know what it’s like to tell a child you’re leaving because you fell in love with someone else, but my straight and gay friends who were in mixed orientation marriages say that their kids took it really well. When the issue is mixed orientation, there is no betrayal of the straight spouse. It is completely different. And it is great for kids to see their parents not suffer through a marriage just because our heteronormative culture demands it.

Your friends saying their kids "took it really well" is not proof in any sense of the word.

A man leaving his wife for another man or woman leaving her husband for another woman is a betrayal of the spouse that was left behind. You are using the "mixed orientation" term as a justification of the separation when just about any distinguishing factor (race, appearance) could be used in the same way.

Oh god. No. You are so wrong about many things but that last sentence especially.

Let’s say you are a straight woman. What if from the moment you were born, everyone told you you had to marry a woman. You had to have sex, have a romantic life, cuddle, etc., with a woman. You would never get butterflies, enjoy sex, etc. Can you see how awful that would be, even if you could build a good friendship and partnership? There would be something seriously missing in your life.

And that’s why this is a different scenario for the kids than it would be for one parent to leave for another person of the same orientation (though I don’t think infidelity is acceptable in either scenario)

I know you won’t believe me about any of this because for some reason you seem to be highly upset about it. But if you do a little research on this you will learn a lot.


And

You mean it’s a get out jail free card … but not for partner who was duped

[Anonymous]

We split everything 50/50, split kid expenses 50/50, though he travels so I have them most of the time.
What would you have me do?

NP. I agree that everything you did was centered on what was best for you, maybe for your kids, with no thought to your DH. There is no way that once you figured out you were gay that you had a typical marital relationship with your DH. You hid things from him to benefit yourself instead of acting with respect and integrity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Oh god. No. You are so wrong about many things but that last sentence especially.

Let’s say you are a straight woman. What if from the moment you were born, everyone told you you had to marry a woman. You had to have sex, have a romantic life, cuddle, etc., with a woman. You would never get butterflies, enjoy sex, etc. Can you see how awful that would be, even if you could build a good friendship and partnership? There would be something seriously missing in your life.

And that’s why this is a different scenario for the kids than it would be for one parent to leave for another person of the same orientation (though I don’t think infidelity is acceptable in either scenario)

I know you won’t believe me about any of this because for some reason you seem to be highly upset about it. But if you do a little research on this, you will learn a lot.

Again, you have no proof that it is different. Without proof (e.g., using verifiable facts), no one should believe you.

I am not upset. I am disappointed that you cannot admit you hid your intentions to leave your husband. Neither you nor your children were being abused (a solid reason you might hide your intent to leave.)

This is an Anonymous chat board. However, even here, you cannot admit you hid the truth from your DH so that it would benefit you.

Lol says the man who has zero idea what it’s like to be a woman living in the patriarchy.

[Anonymous]

I’m a lesbian trapped in a mans body… 🤣

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Oh god. No. You are so wrong about many things but that last sentence especially.

Let’s say you are a straight woman. What if from the moment you were born, everyone told you you had to marry a woman. You had to have sex, have a romantic life, cuddle, etc., with a woman. You would never get butterflies, enjoy sex, etc. Can you see how awful that would be, even if you could build a good friendship and partnership? There would be something seriously missing in your life.

And that’s why this is a different scenario for the kids than it would be for one parent to leave for another person of the same orientation (though I don’t think infidelity is acceptable in either scenario)

I know you won’t believe me about any of this because for some reason you seem to be highly upset about it. But if you do a little research on this, you will learn a lot.

Again, you have no proof that it is different. Without proof (e.g., using verifiable facts), no one should believe you.

I am not upset. I am disappointed that you cannot admit you hid your intentions to leave your husband. Neither you nor your children were being abused (a solid reason you might hide your intent to leave.)

This is an Anonymous chat board. However, even here, you cannot admit you hid the truth from your DH so that it would benefit you.

Do you apply the same logic in demonizing all spouses who wait until they can stand on their own two feet before telling their spouse they want to leave?
Or just this one?
Tell me how it would have helped this DH to know sooner, like when the wife was a SAHM. Yeah, I’m sure that would have turned out so well for him…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suppose I don’t know what it’s like to tell a child you’re leaving because you fell in love with someone else, but my straight and gay friends who were in mixed orientation marriages say that their kids took it really well. When the issue is mixed orientation, there is no betrayal of the straight spouse. It is completely different. And it is great for kids to see their parents not suffer through a marriage just because our heteronormative culture demands it.

Your friends saying their kids "took it really well" is not proof in any sense of the word.

A man leaving his wife for another man or woman leaving her husband for another woman is a betrayal of the spouse that was left behind. You are using the "mixed orientation" term as a justification of the separation when just about any distinguishing factor (race, appearance) could be used in the same way.

Oh god. No. You are so wrong about many things but that last sentence especially.

Let’s say you are a straight woman. What if from the moment you were born, everyone told you you had to marry a woman. You had to have sex, have a romantic life, cuddle, etc., with a woman. You would never get butterflies, enjoy sex, etc. Can you see how awful that would be, even if you could build a good friendship and partnership? There would be something seriously missing in your life.

And that’s why this is a different scenario for the kids than it would be for one parent to leave for another person of the same orientation (though I don’t think infidelity is acceptable in either scenario)

I know you won’t believe me about any of this because for some reason you seem to be highly upset about it. But if you do a little research on this you will learn a lot.


And

You mean it’s a get out jail free card … but not for partner who was duped

“Duped” only applies if the spouse knew they were gay from the get-go, and married the guy anyway in order to secure some kind of benefit.
Not saying that’s impossible in this day and age but that is definitely not what this thread is about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think all women are tired of putting up with men. The me too movement also brought with it just being able to openly say how annoying they are. The pandemic had to have made this worse. Dealing with one 24/7 can feel pretty oppressive. I think I would rather be alone than find a woman to be with, but I get it. I’m hanging on by a thread.

But what you say in bold does not translate into a fundamental change in sexual attraction.

A straight woman who is, well, actually straight can hate the hell out of specific men who are "oppressive" and be tired of putting up with them but that does not mean she can then flip a switch to be sexually attracted to women instead of, or in addition to, being sexually attracted to men.

If a supposedly straight woman decides to start having sex with women, she has to have had some latent attraction to women all along that she didn't recognize. Sexual attraction is not the same thing as "I'm tired of men being jerks." It's "I am attracted sexually to women instead of/in addition to men."

If you "find a woman to be with," I hope for her sake that it's because you love and are actually fully attracted to her. Not because you've had bad experiences with men who are "annoying" and you figure a woman would be...less annoying.

I hope you can see the difference there. I know, you said you'd rather be alone than find a woman to be with, you're just saying you "get it" etc. but i'm not sure you fully do get it.