Married friends coming out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In the last 6 months I’ve had 3 married, adult friends come out as lesbians. All are/were married to men and 2/3 have children. Is this a pandemic thing (as in, something they discovered during the pandemic)? Anyone else experienced this? It just seems like a lot at once having never happened before!

They should be ashamed. This should have been thought about before they committed to having kids, and to a husband. I'm tired of the unstable people who don't think about their kids, or grand-kids or others they made commitments to. They are selfish Fs which I would put in the recycle bin as in no longer a friend.

You think they never thought about it?
Many many many women experience same sex attraction at some point in their lives.
It does not mean they are gay or can’t be happy being married to a man.
Especially if they had not been with a woman, they will not know what those feelings mean.

[Anonymous]

What difference does it make what reason someone had to leave their marriage, when they start making plans to leave?

The outcome is the same.

You are saying that because the end is the same the means are justified. Really? Contrast a woman who is being abused and is keeping her plans to leave her marriage secret because she fears for her life to, well, you. You kept your plans secret because keeping them sercret offered you the opportunity to increase your economic status when you were single. In the partnership that was your marriage, you hid your plans from your partner because it worked to your advantage.

The totality of my “plot” was going back to work in order to be able to stand on my own two feet, which BENEFITS HIM because he does not have to foot the entire bill of raising the kids, nor does he pay alimony.

Sure. By stand on your two feet, you mean "having a career that will allow you the freedom to date". How did lying to him benefit him?

Same as any other woman unhappy in a marriage for any other reason.

Please refer to my example above noting the difference between you and a woman who wants to leave her marriage because she is being abused.

You NEVER answered my question about what you think these women should do.

I will do so in my next post. You never answered my question about how long you kept your husband in the dark about your desire to start dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I know I shouldn’t let the MRA poster get to me so much, but it is infuriating having someone make wild assumptions and accusations, who has absolutely no understanding of what women of limited means in unhappy marriages have to go through and put up with in order to get out. He keeps talking as if he loved a woman who left him for someone else. Clearly he is not my ex.

Your EXDH has every reason to call you out on the one issue you will not face. You deceived him and then blamed society, your parents, etc. for not letting you be who you are.

This poster pops up from time to time and it is always the same. I never hear this type of vitriol from them when a woman decides to leave her husband for any other reason - only the reason in the scenario that this thread is about.
The only explanation I can think of is homophobia and misogyny.

The explanation you need is you are being called out on your deception. Plenty of posters, me included, have called out both men and women when they deceived their families prior to leaving them to date or for someone else.

Sadly, you use the term "homophobia" to cloak your defense of plotting to leave your DH to play the field. The fact that you plotted to leave to date women is not the issue. The fact that you hid your plot from your husband is.

What difference does it make what reason someone had to leave their marriage, when they start making plans to leave?
The outcome is the same. The totality of my “plot” was going back to work in order to be able to stand on my own two feet, which BENEFITS HIM because he does not have to foot the entire bill of raising the kids, nor does he pay alimony.
Same as any other woman unhappy in a marriage for any other reason.
You NEVER answered my question about what you think these women should do.

Yes, the reason matters. If your spouse is abusing you, you should make whatever plans you need to make and keep them secret so you can leave safely, no matter how much lying you have to do. If you're cheating on your spouse, and you take those same actions, you are the one betraying them. This is not closer to the first.

In terms of what to do, there's really no good set of actions when the setup is "I deceived my spouse for years and built a life with them based on that deception, stealing years of their lives that they could have used to build a relationship with someone else and the chance to raise children in an intact home." But, yes, letting them know sooner rather than later that their marriage is over is better than not. You still would have gotten a job. And if he wanted to say, "you know, let's stay together for awhile so you can be more self-sufficient and I don't have to pay alimony," he could have been part of that choice. But justifying continued deception based on "well, it worked out better that way for him" misses the part where your spouse deceiving you is part of the betrayal regardless of how it plays out, and where he didn't have major information about his own life that might have led him to make different choices.

[Anonymous]

You NEVER answered my question about what you think these women should do.

I can answer the question about what you should have done, using your posts as reference material. As for other women, every situation is different and should be treated individually.

Holy $hit. I did not “decide” to change teams. I was a SAHM when I realized and acknowledged what was always true.

At this point, you could have shared your feelings with the person you pledged to love for the rest of your life. Therapy and counseling would have helped you frame where you were and where the two of you could have gone prospectively.

When I realized I might not be able to stay in the marriage, I began busting my ass to find a job, then a better job, then better and better until I was in a place where I could support the kids on my own if I needed to. When I got there, I told him I was leaving.

Translation: Once I knew things were going to be good for me, peace out. However, before that, I kept acting like I was his wife and in love with him.

Honestly I might have left him anyway - he has never supported me in the career, only put me down, told me I would never be anything, constant complainer, happy to put his feet up after work while I did the second shift. Sorry, not sorry.

Wait. Did you leave because you wanted to date women or because he was a bad husband? Did you give him a chance to work on the issues that bothered you?

We split everything 50/50, split kid expenses 50/50, though he travels so I have them most of the time.

Translaction: I support my kids after leaving their father to date around. Be proud of me.

What would you have me do?

I would have you be honest. If you were just to say "I did what I did because it benefited me" instead of blaming everyone else we would have nothing to post about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You NEVER answered my question about what you think these women should do.

I can answer the question about what you should have done, using your posts as reference material. As for other women, every situation is different and should be treated individually.

Holy $hit. I did not “decide” to change teams. I was a SAHM when I realized and acknowledged what was always true.

At this point, you could have shared your feelings with the person you pledged to love for the rest of your life. Therapy and counseling would have helped you frame where you were and where the two of you could have gone prospectively.

When I realized I might not be able to stay in the marriage, I began busting my ass to find a job, then a better job, then better and better until I was in a place where I could support the kids on my own if I needed to. When I got there, I told him I was leaving.

Translation: Once I knew things were going to be good for me, peace out. However, before that, I kept acting like I was his wife and in love with him.

Honestly I might have left him anyway - he has never supported me in the career, only put me down, told me I would never be anything, constant complainer, happy to put his feet up after work while I did the second shift. Sorry, not sorry.

Wait. Did you leave because you wanted to date women or because he was a bad husband? Did you give him a chance to work on the issues that bothered you?

We split everything 50/50, split kid expenses 50/50, though he travels so I have them most of the time.

Translaction: I support my kids after leaving their father to date around. Be proud of me.

What would you have me do?

I would have you be honest. If you were just to say "I did what I did because it benefited me" instead of blaming everyone else we would have nothing to post about.

How do you know I didn’t do some of those things? Therapy, etc? Do I owe you the whole entire story?
Yes, I did things the way I did because I did not want to be kicked out onto the streets without a job, or live with someone who was hateful and angry at me until I could afford to move out on my own. I am not sorry for that.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I did things the way I did because I did not want to be kicked out onto the streets without a job, or live with someone who was hateful and angry at me until I could afford to move out on my own.

How do I know that you would have been kicked out on the streets or that your ExDH was hateful and angry? Because you, the woman who admits to lying to him (likely for years) tells me?

I am not sorry for that

.

I never thought you could be. The only person you have felt any level of empathy for is yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I know I shouldn’t let the MRA poster get to me so much, but it is infuriating having someone make wild assumptions and accusations, who has absolutely no understanding of what women of limited means in unhappy marriages have to go through and put up with in order to get out. He keeps talking as if he loved a woman who left him for someone else. Clearly he is not my ex.

Your EXDH has every reason to call you out on the one issue you will not face. You deceived him and then blamed society, your parents, etc. for not letting you be who you are.

This poster pops up from time to time and it is always the same. I never hear this type of vitriol from them when a woman decides to leave her husband for any other reason - only the reason in the scenario that this thread is about.
The only explanation I can think of is homophobia and misogyny.

The explanation you need is you are being called out on your deception. Plenty of posters, me included, have called out both men and women when they deceived their families prior to leaving them to date or for someone else.

Sadly, you use the term "homophobia" to cloak your defense of plotting to leave your DH to play the field. The fact that you plotted to leave to date women is not the issue. The fact that you hid your plot from your husband is.

What difference does it make what reason someone had to leave their marriage, when they start making plans to leave?
The outcome is the same. The totality of my “plot” was going back to work in order to be able to stand on my own two feet, which BENEFITS HIM because he does not have to foot the entire bill of raising the kids, nor does he pay alimony.
Same as any other woman unhappy in a marriage for any other reason.
You NEVER answered my question about what you think these women should do.

Yes, the reason matters. If your spouse is abusing you, you should make whatever plans you need to make and keep them secret so you can leave safely, no matter how much lying you have to do. If you're cheating on your spouse, and you take those same actions, you are the one betraying them. This is not closer to the first.

In terms of what to do, there's really no good set of actions when the setup is "I deceived my spouse for years and built a life with them based on that deception, stealing years of their lives that they could have used to build a relationship with someone else and the chance to raise children in an intact home." But, yes, letting them know sooner rather than later that their marriage is over is better than not. You still would have gotten a job. And if he wanted to say, "you know, let's stay together for awhile so you can be more self-sufficient and I don't have to pay alimony," he could have been part of that choice. But justifying continued deception based on "well, it worked out better that way for him" misses the part where your spouse deceiving you is part of the betrayal regardless of how it plays out, and where he didn't have major information about his own life that might have led him to make different choices.

I didn’t cheat. The marriage was not happy for many reasons, well before I realized I might be gay. He wasn’t happy or loving, and felt comfortable that I would never leave. Is that a great example to set for the kids? Yeah it’s fine to be unfulfilled and let a spouse treat you like dirt…

You are so concerned about the guy lacking major information about his own life. Whoop de do, he lacked this “major information” for a few months whereas I lacked it for 20 years. I sure wish I’d known earlier too, you dolt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You NEVER answered my question about what you think these women should do.

I can answer the question about what you should have done, using your posts as reference material. As for other women, every situation is different and should be treated individually.

Holy $hit. I did not “decide” to change teams. I was a SAHM when I realized and acknowledged what was always true.

At this point, you could have shared your feelings with the person you pledged to love for the rest of your life. Therapy and counseling would have helped you frame where you were and where the two of you could have gone prospectively.

When I realized I might not be able to stay in the marriage, I began busting my ass to find a job, then a better job, then better and better until I was in a place where I could support the kids on my own if I needed to. When I got there, I told him I was leaving.

Translation: Once I knew things were going to be good for me, peace out. However, before that, I kept acting like I was his wife and in love with him.

Honestly I might have left him anyway - he has never supported me in the career, only put me down, told me I would never be anything, constant complainer, happy to put his feet up after work while I did the second shift. Sorry, not sorry.

Wait. Did you leave because you wanted to date women or because he was a bad husband? Did you give him a chance to work on the issues that bothered you?

We split everything 50/50, split kid expenses 50/50, though he travels so I have them most of the time.

Translaction: I support my kids after leaving their father to date around. Be proud of me.

What would you have me do?

I would have you be honest. If you were just to say "I did what I did because it benefited me" instead of blaming everyone else we would have nothing to post about.

How do you know I didn’t do some of those things? Therapy, etc? Do I owe you the whole entire story?
Yes, I did things the way I did because I did not want to be kicked out onto the streets without a job, or live with someone who was hateful and angry at me until I could afford to move out on my own. I am not sorry for that.

That would be an illegal eviction. Which of course doesn't mean it doesn't happen, but it's not something a judge would look happily on. And you're entitled to take some money from accounts before you tell him if you're concerned he's going to cut off access to funds - they're shared as long as you're married - which you can use to talk to a lawyer if that's something you're really concerned about happening. As for living with someone hateful and angry, well, yeah, that would seem like a natural consequence here.

Sometimes you put yourself first even if it harms someone else. Fine. Everyone has done that in some way. But this "none of it was my fault and I was just trying to not be homeless stuff" - c'mon. You chose to prioritize your own lifestyle and comfort, emotionally and materially, over being honest with your spouse in a major, major way. Your ex-spouse, and other people in that situation, have every right to notice that and feel angry. This is not something that just happened to you. There a victim, and you are not them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I did things the way I did because I did not want to be kicked out onto the streets without a job, or live with someone who was hateful and angry at me until I could afford to move out on my own.

How do I know that you would have been kicked out on the streets or that your ExDH was hateful and angry? Because you, the woman who admits to lying to him (likely for years) tells me?

I am not sorry for that

.

I never thought you could be. The only person you have felt any level of empathy for is yourself.

I am not your ex. Stop projecting and take your anger out somewhere else.
Again, tell me EXACTLY what I should have done. The morally perfect thing, because you are so righteous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm on the other side of this man whose wife has come out. It hurts. And for some reason, people think I'm not supposed to hurt. They think I should be happy because "it's not me", and "at least she didn't cheat". All those times she didn't want to sleep with me or complained about what I was doing, weren't really about me. That's great, right? It doesn't feel great. It doesn't feel great to know that the life you built with someone was a total lie. It doesn't feel great to know that the person you love, never loved you in the way you thougt they did. But I'm selfish for thinking this way. I wonder if she just used me to have kids. I'm supposed to be happy she's brave enough to live her truth and find her happiness. Maybe someday I will get there, but right now I resent her a lot and find it hard to be around her except when I have to be because of our kids. Thankfully the kids are young enough that none of this seems to be affecting them. So great for your friends, OP I hope your friend's husbands are doing better than I am.

Do you think she really knew the whole time? And when she started to know, did she fully know right away?
As the wife in this, I can assure you that if she was lying to you, she was also lying to herself, and probably had to over and over again.
I definitely had to gaslight myself, many times over, while I processed.

Understandable that you don’t feel good about this, of course. You are using a lot of your energy to resent her that you could use elsewhere to try to understand the circumstances that led to what happened and maybe find peace. In other ways, try to hate her less, and instead hate the things that got in the way of her finding this out before getting married.

I’m guessing that like myself, she entered the marriage in good faith and just didn’t know. She also likely did love you on some level and just didn’t know that it was supposed to feel different for her.

Lack of sexual experience, low self confidence, and having seen my parents and family react very negatively to other family members who came out, all got in the way of me figuring things out prior to marriage.

Lots of people have those issues or worse and still manage to come out before marrying someone under false pretenses and messing up that person's life. The "things that got in the way", for people who came of age in the 2000s and later, outside of specific religious cultures which push adolescent marriage and where coming out truly does mean and end to life as you know it, include a level of self-deception and lack of self-awareness which are thankfully rare. (And that's the best-case scenario where they truly didn't realize it.) That doesn't mean you're supposed to punish yourself for the rest of your life for it or stay in that marriage, but if you don't realize that your actions caused someone to suffer in significant ways and that their anger is justified, that's really not great. They were lied to and betrayed by their spouse, who in a set of circumstances where most people don't lie to themselves and get involved in these kinds of marriages, made a series of choices to do that. T

Exactly. Once they chose to have kids they don't get to change their mind imo, or shouldn't. Selfish immature idiots that at the end of the day decided not to put their family first. I don't care what the reason is, it still boils down to selfish individuals. It's still about choice in your life. And that choice really isn't fair to your kids, or family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I know I shouldn’t let the MRA poster get to me so much, but it is infuriating having someone make wild assumptions and accusations, who has absolutely no understanding of what women of limited means in unhappy marriages have to go through and put up with in order to get out. He keeps talking as if he loved a woman who left him for someone else. Clearly he is not my ex.

Your EXDH has every reason to call you out on the one issue you will not face. You deceived him and then blamed society, your parents, etc. for not letting you be who you are.

This poster pops up from time to time and it is always the same. I never hear this type of vitriol from them when a woman decides to leave her husband for any other reason - only the reason in the scenario that this thread is about.
The only explanation I can think of is homophobia and misogyny.

The explanation you need is you are being called out on your deception. Plenty of posters, me included, have called out both men and women when they deceived their families prior to leaving them to date or for someone else.

Sadly, you use the term "homophobia" to cloak your defense of plotting to leave your DH to play the field. The fact that you plotted to leave to date women is not the issue. The fact that you hid your plot from your husband is.

What difference does it make what reason someone had to leave their marriage, when they start making plans to leave?
The outcome is the same. The totality of my “plot” was going back to work in order to be able to stand on my own two feet, which BENEFITS HIM because he does not have to foot the entire bill of raising the kids, nor does he pay alimony.
Same as any other woman unhappy in a marriage for any other reason.
You NEVER answered my question about what you think these women should do.

Yes, the reason matters. If your spouse is abusing you, you should make whatever plans you need to make and keep them secret so you can leave safely, no matter how much lying you have to do. If you're cheating on your spouse, and you take those same actions, you are the one betraying them. This is not closer to the first.

In terms of what to do, there's really no good set of actions when the setup is "I deceived my spouse for years and built a life with them based on that deception, stealing years of their lives that they could have used to build a relationship with someone else and the chance to raise children in an intact home." But, yes, letting them know sooner rather than later that their marriage is over is better than not. You still would have gotten a job. And if he wanted to say, "you know, let's stay together for awhile so you can be more self-sufficient and I don't have to pay alimony," he could have been part of that choice. But justifying continued deception based on "well, it worked out better that way for him" misses the part where your spouse deceiving you is part of the betrayal regardless of how it plays out, and where he didn't have major information about his own life that might have led him to make different choices.

I didn’t cheat. The marriage was not happy for many reasons, well before I realized I might be gay. He wasn’t happy or loving, and felt comfortable that I would never leave. Is that a great example to set for the kids? Yeah it’s fine to be unfulfilled and let a spouse treat you like dirt…

You are so concerned about the guy lacking major information about his own life. Whoop de do, he lacked this “major information” for a few months whereas I lacked it for 20 years. I sure wish I’d known earlier too, you dolt.

You wish you'd "known"? This wasn't information anyone was keeping from you. You made a serious of choices over the course of decades because it was easier for you. Other people in the exact same context or worse were figuring themselves out and coming out, often at great personal cost, and you weren't. And instead of just having that be a You problem, you made it a your-husband problem, too. And that same attitude where things happen to you and nothing is your fault that you bring to not having figured out who you were, you also bring to the end of your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I know I shouldn’t let the MRA poster get to me so much, but it is infuriating having someone make wild assumptions and accusations, who has absolutely no understanding of what women of limited means in unhappy marriages have to go through and put up with in order to get out. He keeps talking as if he loved a woman who left him for someone else. Clearly he is not my ex.

Your EXDH has every reason to call you out on the one issue you will not face. You deceived him and then blamed society, your parents, etc. for not letting you be who you are.

This poster pops up from time to time and it is always the same. I never hear this type of vitriol from them when a woman decides to leave her husband for any other reason - only the reason in the scenario that this thread is about.
The only explanation I can think of is homophobia and misogyny.

The explanation you need is you are being called out on your deception. Plenty of posters, me included, have called out both men and women when they deceived their families prior to leaving them to date or for someone else.

Sadly, you use the term "homophobia" to cloak your defense of plotting to leave your DH to play the field. The fact that you plotted to leave to date women is not the issue. The fact that you hid your plot from your husband is.

What difference does it make what reason someone had to leave their marriage, when they start making plans to leave?
The outcome is the same. The totality of my “plot” was going back to work in order to be able to stand on my own two feet, which BENEFITS HIM because he does not have to foot the entire bill of raising the kids, nor does he pay alimony.
Same as any other woman unhappy in a marriage for any other reason.
You NEVER answered my question about what you think these women should do.

Yes, the reason matters. If your spouse is abusing you, you should make whatever plans you need to make and keep them secret so you can leave safely, no matter how much lying you have to do. If you're cheating on your spouse, and you take those same actions, you are the one betraying them. This is not closer to the first.

In terms of what to do, there's really no good set of actions when the setup is "I deceived my spouse for years and built a life with them based on that deception, stealing years of their lives that they could have used to build a relationship with someone else and the chance to raise children in an intact home." But, yes, letting them know sooner rather than later that their marriage is over is better than not. You still would have gotten a job. And if he wanted to say, "you know, let's stay together for awhile so you can be more self-sufficient and I don't have to pay alimony," he could have been part of that choice. But justifying continued deception based on "well, it worked out better that way for him" misses the part where your spouse deceiving you is part of the betrayal regardless of how it plays out, and where he didn't have major information about his own life that might have led him to make different choices.

I agree. Not to mention if there are kids involved. Divorced or not it's still fair to them.

[Anonymous]

I am not your ex. Stop projecting and take your anger out somewhere else.
Again, tell me EXACTLY what I should have done. The morally perfect thing, because you are so righteous

Hi. Read the posts in this thread. Everyone is telling you what you should have done.

BTW - Any time now, you can tell me how long you pretended to be married after you decided to leave him. My bet is about five years, based on your other posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I know I shouldn’t let the MRA poster get to me so much, but it is infuriating having someone make wild assumptions and accusations, who has absolutely no understanding of what women of limited means in unhappy marriages have to go through and put up with in order to get out. He keeps talking as if he loved a woman who left him for someone else. Clearly he is not my ex.

Your EXDH has every reason to call you out on the one issue you will not face. You deceived him and then blamed society, your parents, etc. for not letting you be who you are.

This poster pops up from time to time and it is always the same. I never hear this type of vitriol from them when a woman decides to leave her husband for any other reason - only the reason in the scenario that this thread is about.
The only explanation I can think of is homophobia and misogyny.

The explanation you need is you are being called out on your deception. Plenty of posters, me included, have called out both men and women when they deceived their families prior to leaving them to date or for someone else.

Sadly, you use the term "homophobia" to cloak your defense of plotting to leave your DH to play the field. The fact that you plotted to leave to date women is not the issue. The fact that you hid your plot from your husband is.

What difference does it make what reason someone had to leave their marriage, when they start making plans to leave?
The outcome is the same. The totality of my “plot” was going back to work in order to be able to stand on my own two feet, which BENEFITS HIM because he does not have to foot the entire bill of raising the kids, nor does he pay alimony.
Same as any other woman unhappy in a marriage for any other reason.
You NEVER answered my question about what you think these women should do.

Yes, the reason matters. If your spouse is abusing you, you should make whatever plans you need to make and keep them secret so you can leave safely, no matter how much lying you have to do. If you're cheating on your spouse, and you take those same actions, you are the one betraying them. This is not closer to the first.

In terms of what to do, there's really no good set of actions when the setup is "I deceived my spouse for years and built a life with them based on that deception, stealing years of their lives that they could have used to build a relationship with someone else and the chance to raise children in an intact home." But, yes, letting them know sooner rather than later that their marriage is over is better than not. You still would have gotten a job. And if he wanted to say, "you know, let's stay together for awhile so you can be more self-sufficient and I don't have to pay alimony," he could have been part of that choice. But justifying continued deception based on "well, it worked out better that way for him" misses the part where your spouse deceiving you is part of the betrayal regardless of how it plays out, and where he didn't have major information about his own life that might have led him to make different choices.

I agree. Not to mention if there are kids involved. Divorced or not it's still fair to them.

it's still not fair..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You NEVER answered my question about what you think these women should do.

I can answer the question about what you should have done, using your posts as reference material. As for other women, every situation is different and should be treated individually.

Holy $hit. I did not “decide” to change teams. I was a SAHM when I realized and acknowledged what was always true.

At this point, you could have shared your feelings with the person you pledged to love for the rest of your life. Therapy and counseling would have helped you frame where you were and where the two of you could have gone prospectively.

When I realized I might not be able to stay in the marriage, I began busting my ass to find a job, then a better job, then better and better until I was in a place where I could support the kids on my own if I needed to. When I got there, I told him I was leaving.

Translation: Once I knew things were going to be good for me, peace out. However, before that, I kept acting like I was his wife and in love with him.

Honestly I might have left him anyway - he has never supported me in the career, only put me down, told me I would never be anything, constant complainer, happy to put his feet up after work while I did the second shift. Sorry, not sorry.

Wait. Did you leave because you wanted to date women or because he was a bad husband? Did you give him a chance to work on the issues that bothered you?

We split everything 50/50, split kid expenses 50/50, though he travels so I have them most of the time.

Translaction: I support my kids after leaving their father to date around. Be proud of me.

What would you have me do?

I would have you be honest. If you were just to say "I did what I did because it benefited me" instead of blaming everyone else we would have nothing to post about.

How do you know I didn’t do some of those things? Therapy, etc? Do I owe you the whole entire story?
Yes, I did things the way I did because I did not want to be kicked out onto the streets without a job, or live with someone who was hateful and angry at me until I could afford to move out on my own. I am not sorry for that.

That would be an illegal eviction. Which of course doesn't mean it doesn't happen, but it's not something a judge would look happily on. And you're entitled to take some money from accounts before you tell him if you're concerned he's going to cut off access to funds - they're shared as long as you're married - which you can use to talk to a lawyer if that's something you're really concerned about happening. As for living with someone hateful and angry, well, yeah, that would seem like a natural consequence here.

Sometimes you put yourself first even if it harms someone else. Fine. Everyone has done that in some way. But this "none of it was my fault and I was just trying to not be homeless stuff" - c'mon. You chose to prioritize your own lifestyle and comfort, emotionally and materially, over being honest with your spouse in a major, major way. Your ex-spouse, and other people in that situation, have every right to notice that and feel angry. This is not something that just happened to you. There a victim, and you are not them.

I am not currently a victim.
When I was a sexually repressed SAHM with depression and low self esteem and unsupportive spouse, well yeah that really sucked.
I chose to get out of that.
Likewise, XDH is free to empower himself out of victimhood as well. If not, why not?