Expecting a different life at this age, so help with a reset:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish there was a way to match people who would like to be grandparents with children who don’t have any local grandparents who actively engage with them. My SIL has parents who aren’t very interested in her kids and neither are her in-laws. She’s sad that her kids have 4 living grandparents, but none who want to get to know their grandchildren.

I feel like I heard about a program like that in Japan - maybe that's your calling OP! Start a grandparent group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not quite at your stage of life, but I can emphasize. Both of my parents are gone, my sibling lives far away, cousins that I were close while growing up now have busy lives and families. I worry that my own children are missing out on family life because it’s just the 4 of us. I miss big extended family gatherings and the feeling of connection and belonging that comes from them.

Also, I realize that my own children may never have children.

I get it, OP. It’s lonely.

This. Volunteer for anything, it’s where we started.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish there was a way to match people who would like to be grandparents with children who don’t have any local grandparents who actively engage with them. My SIL has parents who aren’t very interested in her kids and neither are her in-laws. She’s sad that her kids have 4 living grandparents, but none who want to get to know their grandchildren.

I feel like I heard about a program like that in Japan - maybe that's your calling OP! Start a grandparent group.

Huge difference between the Japanese and Americans in terms of family values and litigiousness...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish there was a way to match people who would like to be grandparents with children who don’t have any local grandparents who actively engage with them. My SIL has parents who aren’t very interested in her kids and neither are her in-laws. She’s sad that her kids have 4 living grandparents, but none who want to get to know their grandchildren.

I feel like I heard about a program like that in Japan - maybe that's your calling OP! Start a grandparent group.

Huge difference between the Japanese and Americans in terms of family values and litigiousness...

Given the birth rate in Japan not sure you’re right about “family values”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish there was a way to match people who would like to be grandparents with children who don’t have any local grandparents who actively engage with them. My SIL has parents who aren’t very interested in her kids and neither are her in-laws. She’s sad that her kids have 4 living grandparents, but none who want to get to know their grandchildren.

You should start a grandparent matching business!

OP here..Sign me up.

It would be nice, wouldn't it? I'm also grandchildless. But we've become such a litigious and suspicious society when it comes to children which makes it very difficult. I can't even imagine what a single/widowed/divorced man in his 60s would deal with if he wanted to volunteer with kids. It's such a shame because other cultures and societies are open to embracing mature people into their communities. Not so much here.

Plus there would be people lining to exploit the volunteer grands...financially, trying to get in their will, get their names on deeds, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP, how many children to you have, how old are they, any of them married, and insight if they are choosing to be childless?

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds to me like you have many activities, but long for time with family. It also sounds like you don't have many friends, perhaps because you spent so much of your time focused on family. So, if I were you, I'd reach out and try to connect with some of the people you know as acquaintances through your shared activities. That's how you make friends. And, if you want to spend more time with family, I would stop dreaming about what you'd expected in the way of continued intergenerational events -- possibly centered on you and your husband as matriarch and patriarch. Instead, why not visit your kids, siblings, nieces and nephews? Heck, get an RV and drive a circuit of family visits. But, really, don't dwell on what might have been. That's a sure recipe for misery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds to me like you have many activities, but long for time with family. It also sounds like you don't have many friends, perhaps because you spent so much of your time focused on family. So, if I were you, I'd reach out and try to connect with some of the people you know as acquaintances through your shared activities. That's how you make friends. And, if you want to spend more time with family, I would stop dreaming about what you'd expected in the way of continued intergenerational events -- possibly centered on you and your husband as matriarch and patriarch. Instead, why not visit your kids, siblings, nieces and nephews? Heck, get an RV and drive a circuit of family visits. But, really, don't dwell on what might have been. That's a sure recipe for misery.

You think I have few friends? Where did that come from?

Reread my post. I have many friends. Not only are they friends from my activities, I have friends from the time I was a child. I also have a large extended family with a lot of cousins.

And..what do you think they are all doing right now? Yes! They are ALL involved with their growing family.

They all say things like "Just wait until it's your turn!" Or " You never know, "#$%# will change her mind, she'll probably have kids." I am actually not promoting these comments, nor am I complaining to them. I am very careful not to...which is why I am doing it here. So, don't act like I'm limited in my thinking since this is a common theme among most that I know now.

You will notice how the going advice is to just get out of town. Do it in a plane, in a car, in a RV. So, implicitly, even you admit there's not much life here, so now I should go look at stuff and museums and other people's families.

And, no, we don't have "Miss Ellie" patriarch and matriarch fantasies. Lol. That was the best one yet..I have to hand it to you. Laughed OUT LOUD.

I was surrounded by family my whole life, my parents were as well, and I just didn't expect it to dead end on a dime. It's unbelievably sad to me even though I do have friends and plenty of things to do. I am also close with my children, but one lives overseas and the other is closer geographically, but career involved, which is fine. No judgements. She has that choice.

Would you say these things to younger parents who can't have kids of their own? That their dream of having a family can be supplanted by a hobby or just getting into an RV or, how about getting involved in someone else's family? You may say that we already had our family and should be grateful, and we understand that and even agree.However, people's values of what is important vary. Mine was always about family. I don't effing care about bunco, golf, tropical travel. It's simply that, with a twist of continual growing older without family. It's not like I can throw myself into a career at this point, or I can, I am already doing it, but it's not long term.

It's just the acceptance of a loss. I get it. I was just wondering how others were managing a paradigm change in their life trajectory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds to me like you have many activities, but long for time with family. It also sounds like you don't have many friends, perhaps because you spent so much of your time focused on family. So, if I were you, I'd reach out and try to connect with some of the people you know as acquaintances through your shared activities. That's how you make friends. And, if you want to spend more time with family, I would stop dreaming about what you'd expected in the way of continued intergenerational events -- possibly centered on you and your husband as matriarch and patriarch. Instead, why not visit your kids, siblings, nieces and nephews? Heck, get an RV and drive a circuit of family visits. But, really, don't dwell on what might have been. That's a sure recipe for misery.

You think I have few friends? Where did that come from?

Reread my post. I have many friends. Not only are they friends from my activities, I have friends from the time I was a child. I also have a large extended family with a lot of cousins.

And..what do you think they are all doing right now? Yes! They are ALL involved with their growing family.

They all say things like "Just wait until it's your turn!" Or " You never know, "#$%# will change her mind, she'll probably have kids." I am actually not promoting these comments, nor am I complaining to them. I am very careful not to...which is why I am doing it here. So, don't act like I'm limited in my thinking since this is a common theme among most that I know now.

You will notice how the going advice is to just get out of town. Do it in a plane, in a car, in a RV. So, implicitly, even you admit there's not much life here, so now I should go look at stuff and museums and other people's families.

And, no, we don't have "Miss Ellie" patriarch and matriarch fantasies. Lol. That was the best one yet..I have to hand it to you. Laughed OUT LOUD.

I was surrounded by family my whole life, my parents were as well, and I just didn't expect it to dead end on a dime. It's unbelievably sad to me even though I do have friends and plenty of things to do. I am also close with my children, but one lives overseas and the other is closer geographically, but career involved, which is fine. No judgements. She has that choice.

Would you say these things to younger parents who can't have kids of their own? That their dream of having a family can be supplanted by a hobby or just getting into an RV or, how about getting involved in someone else's family? You may say that we already had our family and should be grateful, and we understand that and even agree.However, people's values of what is important vary. Mine was always about family. I don't effing care about bunco, golf, tropical travel. It's simply that, with a twist of continual growing older without family. It's not like I can throw myself into a career at this point, or I can, I am already doing it, but it's not long term.

It's just the acceptance of a loss. I get it. I was just wondering how others were managing a paradigm change in their life trajectory.

Aw, op-I’m sorry. I’m a bit younger but will feel the same if things turn out this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds to me like you have many activities, but long for time with family. It also sounds like you don't have many friends, perhaps because you spent so much of your time focused on family. So, if I were you, I'd reach out and try to connect with some of the people you know as acquaintances through your shared activities. That's how you make friends. And, if you want to spend more time with family, I would stop dreaming about what you'd expected in the way of continued intergenerational events -- possibly centered on you and your husband as matriarch and patriarch. Instead, why not visit your kids, siblings, nieces and nephews? Heck, get an RV and drive a circuit of family visits. But, really, don't dwell on what might have been. That's a sure recipe for misery.

You think I have few friends? Where did that come from?

Reread my post. I have many friends. Not only are they friends from my activities, I have friends from the time I was a child. I also have a large extended family with a lot of cousins.

And..what do you think they are all doing right now? Yes! They are ALL involved with their growing family.

They all say things like "Just wait until it's your turn!" Or " You never know, "#$%# will change her mind, she'll probably have kids." I am actually not promoting these comments, nor am I complaining to them. I am very careful not to...which is why I am doing it here. So, don't act like I'm limited in my thinking since this is a common theme among most that I know now.

You will notice how the going advice is to just get out of town. Do it in a plane, in a car, in a RV. So, implicitly, even you admit there's not much life here, so now I should go look at stuff and museums and other people's families.

And, no, we don't have "Miss Ellie" patriarch and matriarch fantasies. Lol. That was the best one yet..I have to hand it to you. Laughed OUT LOUD.

I was surrounded by family my whole life, my parents were as well, and I just didn't expect it to dead end on a dime. It's unbelievably sad to me even though I do have friends and plenty of things to do. I am also close with my children, but one lives overseas and the other is closer geographically, but career involved, which is fine. No judgements. She has that choice.

Would you say these things to younger parents who can't have kids of their own? That their dream of having a family can be supplanted by a hobby or just getting into an RV or, how about getting involved in someone else's family? You may say that we already had our family and should be grateful, and we understand that and even agree.However, people's values of what is important vary. Mine was always about family. I don't effing care about bunco, golf, tropical travel. It's simply that, with a twist of continual growing older without family. It's not like I can throw myself into a career at this point, or I can, I am already doing it, but it's not long term.

It's just the acceptance of a loss. I get it. I was just wondering how others were managing a paradigm change in their life trajectory.

It’s no longer the 1950s OP! It sounds like you’re disappointed that your children aren’t making time for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish there was a way to match people who would like to be grandparents with children who don’t have any local grandparents who actively engage with them. My SIL has parents who aren’t very interested in her kids and neither are her in-laws. She’s sad that her kids have 4 living grandparents, but none who want to get to know their grandchildren.

I feel like I heard about a program like that in Japan - maybe that's your calling OP! Start a grandparent group.

Huge difference between the Japanese and Americans in terms of family values and litigiousness...

Given the birth rate in Japan not sure you’re right about “family values”

Family values such as filial piety and respect for elders. Not popping out baby after baby indiscriminately.

[Anonymous]

PP, people are just trying to problem solve, which is what people do, when I think what you are looking for is just some empathy/sense of shared experiences. I think you're thinking about this the right way, which is that it is a loss that you need to grieve. So, do that. There are books on how to deal with this type of grief -- not the loss of a loved one, but the loss of some expected life path. Find those books. Maybe see a therapist for awhile to help you sort through the emotions.

I'm not at your life stage yet, but I think I would feel similarly to you if I ended up in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, people are just trying to problem solve, which is what people do, when I think what you are looking for is just some empathy/sense of shared experiences. I think you're thinking about this the right way, which is that it is a loss that you need to grieve. So, do that. There are books on how to deal with this type of grief -- not the loss of a loved one, but the loss of some expected life path. Find those books. Maybe see a therapist for awhile to help you sort through the emotions.

I'm not at your life stage yet, but I think I would feel similarly to you if I ended up in this situation.

I think what the OP feels sad about is that she did everything 'right' by making family the center of her world and her children also got to interact with their cousins etc. But she seems to have no understanding of the structural reasons as to why things are the way they are. It sounds like she's never had a career so of course she was able to be so family-oriented. Now it's 2021, and people have broader definitions of family and I wouldnt be surprised if her kids prefer to spend Thanksgiving with friends than schlep all the way back to the OP's. There is more to life than having children and OP needs to get that in her head.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. Times have changed. We are a very mobile culture, and one that is obsessed with personal happiness. You are within your rights to grieve the family that you will not have.

I think it's good you can name it. Chances are you will never get that "dream" of being surrounded by family and grandchildren. It's much rarer these days. This is a loss and you should grieve it as such, maybe a see a therapist. Because then you will have to let go and move on, and that can be very hard to do on your own, without some reframing techniques.

I have no parents left (one dead, one with dementia) and my brother is incommunicado somewhere on the west coast. Cousins -- scattered across the globe. My kids are still young but they may very well move away for work or love, and may or may not have kids themselves.

I am preparing myself that it may be just buy husband and me, and if he dies, just me. Unlike you I never had that wonderful large family surrounding me, so I am jealous that you ever had it! But OP, it was a stage of your life and now it's over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, people are just trying to problem solve, which is what people do, when I think what you are looking for is just some empathy/sense of shared experiences. I think you're thinking about this the right way, which is that it is a loss that you need to grieve. So, do that. There are books on how to deal with this type of grief -- not the loss of a loved one, but the loss of some expected life path. Find those books. Maybe see a therapist for awhile to help you sort through the emotions.

I'm not at your life stage yet, but I think I would feel similarly to you if I ended up in this situation.

I think what the OP feels sad about is that she did everything 'right' by making family the center of her world and her children also got to interact with their cousins etc. But she seems to have no understanding of the structural reasons as to why things are the way they are. It sounds like she's never had a career so of course she was able to be so family-oriented. Now it's 2021, and people have broader definitions of family and I wouldnt be surprised if her kids prefer to spend Thanksgiving with friends than schlep all the way back to the OP's. There is more to life than having children and OP needs to get that in her head.

Ah, alright.... (pause for eye roll) I had an all-encompassing, fairly intense career, and I "accidentally" started a new one without even trying to in these last 4 years. It appears that a new one is sprouting, also without full intention. I also managed a ton of other things while I had a career and kids, and continue to do them. I still put family first and if I could do it all again, I would still make the same choice. It was the best thing ever.

Yes, I had it all, and did it all. Still, I am here to inform you that there is nothing worth more than people- family, and friends who become family, and people who will become friends, who then become family. Nothing. Not money,
not stuff, not houses and trips, not anything. **Ok, dogs- dogs are definitely also worth it.

And my kids do "schlep" home for Thanksgiving, thank you! They schlep home for other things, and we schlep there.

I'm sorry, but I disagree with you about there being more to life than that. You might not have experienced it and, if so, it might be a good thing that you don't know what you missed. I know what I am exactly missing and, well,.... I miss it.

Ok, thanks everyone. I'm ending it here. I've decided to engage interactively with some Viktor Frankl literature, namely Man's Search for Meaning and then I will report back what I have learned. Or did. Or whatever happens.