Sad about minuscule pool of eligible men after divorce at 44

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To the two previous posters, thanks for your insight. It is sad that you were not able to find somebody worthy, but I am glad that you are in a good place now.

I have always envisioned myself with a trusted partner who is my best friend and companion. I had such a relationship with my ex-husband until he started cheating during my pregnancy. I was/am so hoping to find a wonderful relationship again.

PP has only been single for two years. Don’t write off the possibility.

Yes- I think OP was feeling rebuked at the advice to woman up and heal and be strong, so it then became “sad” that the ones encouraging some time and introspection “couldn’t find love”. Honey- I’m not looking for love, I’m independently wealthy and have the luxury of enjoying the crap out of my life without a bad man in it. Nothing sad about that, I promise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Early 40s divorced woman here. You and I have kind of simliar situations. You stayed in a marriage for your child when you probably should have left. So did I. The difference is that I never had a good marriage and was about to leave and had an accidental pregnancy in a place where my career was not located and I could not leave. I stayed...until I could not...wasted a decade. But here is the key difference...the moment I I had the positive unplanned pregnancy test, I knew it was over (the dream of having a marriage I wanted with a man I wanted to be with)--I was now stuck with a child with someone I did not want to be with. I knew that staying meant I would probably never have the relationship I really wanted because time would pass me by. I was already in my early 30s then...it would be have been fine for me to start over without the pregnancy but once that happened, I knew my chances of having what I really wanted would probably never happened since I was staying. So, when I finallly divorced in my early 40s, I had no illusions about the supply of men. I divorced assuming I would stay single forever and may never be in love again (the last time I was in love was before my bad marriage that was always a mistake).

I am sorry you are going through this now and it must seem overwhelming. I was prepared for it and divorced knowing that ship has sailed.

I have dated younger men. It's fine but I am not under the impression it will turn into anything. I think you are right that men never married by 40 likely have issues. I just learned that myself the hard way recently. I thought maybe I did find what I was looking for, but then issues came out than explained why he had never married.

Back to square 1 for me. But I am okay with the fact that the long-term partnershlp I wanted is not likely to ever happen. If I have some companions that last a year or two here and there, that is really good enough for me now. I was devastated 10 years ago when I accepted this was probably never going to happen for me when I stayed due to the pregnancy. I guess I already went through this early in my marriage vs. going through it upon divorce.

Good luck.

NP: i don’t understand with these stories why you would knowingly stay in a bad marriage and not tell the other person. It sounds like you stayed in the marriage for you and not your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You never know. My FIL married his AP six months after the divorce, soon after DH was done with college. They are happily married for over a decade now, swimming in $$$. She was 45 and he was 55 when they married. They both had kids at a young age, so they were younger empty nesters.

Wow. Real winners those cheaters.

Are you really telling a happy ending story of cheaters to OP who is in the situation she is in due to selfish cheaters?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To the two previous posters, thanks for your insight. It is sad that you were not able to find somebody worthy, but I am glad that you are in a good place now.

I have always envisioned myself with a trusted partner who is my best friend and companion. I had such a relationship with my ex-husband until he started cheating during my pregnancy. I was/am so hoping to find a wonderful relationship again.

OP. Getting rid of a cheating partner takes time and give yourself some time reorient and find what you want.

YOu say you "always envisioned yourself with a trusting partner" and that your ex was such a person, a best friend and companion. If you are low 40's and you found out over a decade ago that the person you call your trusted best friend was sleeping with you, then you chose to STAY with that person for a DECADE in a bad marriage, who is to believe that you have any self esteem at all?

Sounds like you might want to work on your dreams vs. how to make those dreams a reality. Sounds to me like you've never had a trusted partner and best friend, and that you idealize such a relationship without recognizing your part in attracting and maintaining one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am really sad about the tiny chances of partnering up with a cultured, emphatic man in my age group who is not tangled in some energy-draining co-parenting situation. In my opinion/experience, all good men between 40 and 55 are taken. Those who have never married have issues. Those who get divorced have issues (certainly including me).

There really is a reason why most marriages take place between the ages of 25 and 30, when both genders are at the peak of their physical beauty.

FWIW, I am successful, in shape and take care of myself. I have an 11 year-old.

I am just very disheartened at the thought that the ship sailed for me 20 years ago. I find the whole idea of online dating repulsive - it is like a meat market out there.

[Anonymous]

Keep in casual for now. Date, without talk about the future, introducing kids, step families, etc.

Find someone more serious once your kid and his kids are college aged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To the two previous posters, thanks for your insight. It is sad that you were not able to find somebody worthy, but I am glad that you are in a good place now.

I have always envisioned myself with a trusted partner who is my best friend and companion. I had such a relationship with my ex-husband until he started cheating during my pregnancy. I was/am so hoping to find a wonderful relationship again.

Please take my soon-to-be ex-partner. He is 47 and won't cheat on you. I wish he'd get the hell out of the house instead of sitting around, but he is a family man or anti-social or I'm not even sure. No hobbies, never goes anywhere unless I go with him, or he goes to see his family. Please take him. We are not married, so no divorce to waste anyone's time.

Not OP. If these are his only issues sure. Have him put out an add in a DC area dating site. As long as he has a job, is willing to do stuff with me, and is a family man, I'm open to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve noticed the exact opposite of the co-parenting issue. Most men with kids are either weekend-only dads, or their kids live in another state entirely and they see them only a couple times a year.

OP here. Now that is really sad. I honestly would not want to be with a man who places such little value on being with his children.

OP: No men in energy-draining coparenting relationships. Also OP: No men who don't see their children very often. Also OP: Never-married men without children are a hard pass.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Ok, I get your points. Maybe it is time for some introspection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 36 and happily married but man, I do not understand wanting to find a new serious thing. If we got divorced it’d be hookups and sleeping TF alone for me.

It's the male mindset. I am the same way at 45. I love dating, companionship and sex but I do not need a deeply committed relationship. Most of my friends are the same. Perhaps I will feel differently when I am older. I did the marriage thing before, it didn't work. I don't see the point of re-marrying.

There are some men that are very commitment oriented but they tend to be introverts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am really sad about the tiny chances of partnering up with a cultured, emphatic man in my age group who is not tangled in some energy-draining co-parenting situation. In my opinion/experience, all good men between 40 and 55 are taken. Those who have never married have issues. Those who get divorced have issues (certainly including me).

There really is a reason why most marriages take place between the ages of 25 and 30, when both genders are at the peak of their physical beauty.

FWIW, I am successful, in shape and take care of myself. I have an 11 year-old.

I am just very disheartened at the thought that the ship sailed for me 20 years ago. I find the whole idea of online dating repulsive - it is like a meat market out there.

Do you imagine that this fact has any bearing on the quality or longevity of the marriage?

Most marriages are some degree of dysfunctional, from absolute misery to apathy. The minority of marriages are functional and happy. The children of marriages who get married and repeat the dysfunction are the proof.

The older I get, the more ironic I find the lament that never married people have ‘something wrong with them’. I have a number of never married friends, other women like me and men too. Society looks at us as freaks with something broken inside, yet doesn’t look the same way at people with multiple divorces under their belts. What a joke.

Most never married people are just wise to the nightmare that marriage is in the great many cases, especially for women. I get one life. I didn’t want to waste the majority of my waking hours being a domestic servant to an adult child and any number of actual children, while being disregarded and/or taken for granted at every turn, and often receiving little love for the efforts.

Now all the happily marrieds will chime in with their tales of domestic bliss. Yay for you. There has to be some reason that never married women live the longest healthiest lives, statistically speaking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you're a parent, but you want a non-parent to be interested?

I find this funny. Its like the fat women who only want athletic men.

Yeah OP I'm a divorce woman and you sound like you kinda suck sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To the two previous posters, thanks for your insight. It is sad that you were not able to find somebody worthy, but I am glad that you are in a good place now.

I have always envisioned myself with a trusted partner who is my best friend and companion. I had such a relationship with my ex-husband until he started cheating during my pregnancy. I was/am so hoping to find a wonderful relationship again.

PP has only been single for two years. Don’t write off the possibility.

Yes- I think OP was feeling rebuked at the advice to woman up and heal and be strong, so it then became “sad” that the ones encouraging some time and introspection “couldn’t find love”. Honey- I’m not looking for love, I’m independently wealthy and have the luxury of enjoying the crap out of my life without a bad man in it. Nothing sad about that, I promise.

OP here. Sorry, I realized after I hit the submit button that I should have worded my reply differently. Of course the PPs still have a chance to find a good partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Early 40s divorced woman here. You and I have kind of simliar situations. You stayed in a marriage for your child when you probably should have left. So did I. The difference is that I never had a good marriage and was about to leave and had an accidental pregnancy in a place where my career was not located and I could not leave. I stayed...until I could not...wasted a decade. But here is the key difference...the moment I I had the positive unplanned pregnancy test, I knew it was over (the dream of having a marriage I wanted with a man I wanted to be with)--I was now stuck with a child with someone I did not want to be with. I knew that staying meant I would probably never have the relationship I really wanted because time would pass me by. I was already in my early 30s then...it would be have been fine for me to start over without the pregnancy but once that happened, I knew my chances of having what I really wanted would probably never happened since I was staying. So, when I finallly divorced in my early 40s, I had no illusions about the supply of men. I divorced assuming I would stay single forever and may never be in love again (the last time I was in love was before my bad marriage that was always a mistake).

I am sorry you are going through this now and it must seem overwhelming. I was prepared for it and divorced knowing that ship has sailed.

I have dated younger men. It's fine but I am not under the impression it will turn into anything. I think you are right that men never married by 40 likely have issues. I just learned that myself the hard way recently. I thought maybe I did find what I was looking for, but then issues came out than explained why he had never married.

Back to square 1 for me. But I am okay with the fact that the long-term partnershlp I wanted is not likely to ever happen. If I have some companions that last a year or two here and there, that is really good enough for me now. I was devastated 10 years ago when I accepted this was probably never going to happen for me when I stayed due to the pregnancy. I guess I already went through this early in my marriage vs. going through it upon divorce.

Good luck.

NP: i don’t understand with these stories why you would knowingly stay in a bad marriage and not tell the other person. It sounds like you stayed in the marriage for you and not your child.

He knew. He did not want a divorce. I had nothing to gain from the marriage. Nothing. Also, I could not leave when I wanted and risk being trapped in a state where I could not make a living. I had a remote job. I knew it would not last forever. I had to get back to DC. It took 8 years. I gave him a hall pass when I got pregnant and he knew I did not want a baby with him...he forced the issue. It is his problem he did not use the hall pass. He knew I was done. I kept “trying to make it work” but that meant living separate lives, which worked until his controlling and emotional abuse got too bad...and I was back in DC and could leave after his last repeated divorce threat. I told him I would leave if that continued. I was staying did the kid. It was not a normal marriage and a mistake from even before the wedding. We were not compatible and never should have been dating pause early stages let alone get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 36 and happily married but man, I do not understand wanting to find a new serious thing. If we got divorced it’d be hookups and sleeping TF alone for me.

Same here, especially since I have kids and assume almost everyone I could date would also have kids. I just refuse to expose my kids to a new partner and relationship. Like just go hog wild when you don’t have your kids. Stop thinking of partnering again.

Also, my mom remarried when I was 14 and my stepdad was very creepy around me and I would be so freaked out by something like that happening to my kids.