Sad about minuscule pool of eligible men after divorce at 44

[Anonymous]

I’m 49 and have been separated for 5 yrs from my partner of 25 yrs. We have 2 pre teen children—yes we waited a long time into our relationship to have kids.

My focus is on them. My career is starting to rebound from the demands of early childhood. I have a great group of girlfriends that I love. I’ve dated a bit but there have been sparks. So far the best dates I’ve had have been Netflix, a bath, and a glass of wine. No man can excite me like the idea of my couch!

I wish I had a FWB because sex would be nice but there’s no one around for that either. Or maybe it’s just too much work. If I meet someone in the course of my every day life great, if not, I love the life I’ve made for myself and I’m comfortable doing things like movies, dinner, and traveling alone. So that maybe be my future and I’m okay with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve noticed the exact opposite of the co-parenting issue. Most men with kids are either weekend-only dads, or their kids live in another state entirely and they see them only a couple times a year.

OP here. Now that is really sad. I honestly would not want to be with a man who places such little value on being with his children.

Male 50s: I have kids 50%

PS OP sometimes fathers might not have so much custody because exDW/judge ie not their choice

[Anonymous]

Have you thought about dating women?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I divorced at 42/43 and have had three luxurious years to heal and focus on myself and to really focus on my kids- who has to suffer through a verbally abusive father and a extra long divorce.

I’ve found falling in love with myself to be pretty amazing. The rush to department seems frantic- take your time learn to treasure yourself and your freedom and show your child how resilient ans strong you are, and how much fun you can have 1:1 with them vs hastily bringing some man into the picture.


Everyone thinks they have no time. You ha e no time for a bad relationship- but only with self work and time will you likely be a good partner to anyone or them to you. Take your time, is my advice/

+1 This is exactly where I am, but it's been almost two years for me. I'm quite enjoying relearning myself and not being in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

I am 45 and I agree with you. That’s why I am not even trying. I might be open to a mutually beneficial relationship, but partnering again? No way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To the two previous posters, thanks for your insight. It is sad that you were not able to find somebody worthy, but I am glad that you are in a good place now.

I have always envisioned myself with a trusted partner who is my best friend and companion. I had such a relationship with my ex-husband until he started cheating during my pregnancy. I was/am so hoping to find a wonderful relationship again.

OP. Getting rid of a cheating partner takes time and give yourself some time reorient and find what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To the two previous posters, thanks for your insight. It is sad that you were not able to find somebody worthy, but I am glad that you are in a good place now.

I have always envisioned myself with a trusted partner who is my best friend and companion. I had such a relationship with my ex-husband until he started cheating during my pregnancy. I was/am so hoping to find a wonderful relationship again.

Please take my soon-to-be ex-partner. He is 47 and won't cheat on you. I wish he'd get the hell out of the house instead of sitting around, but he is a family man or anti-social or I'm not even sure. No hobbies, never goes anywhere unless I go with him, or he goes to see his family. Please take him. We are not married, so no divorce to waste anyone's time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve noticed the exact opposite of the co-parenting issue. Most men with kids are either weekend-only dads, or their kids live in another state entirely and they see them only a couple times a year.

OP here. Now that is really sad. I honestly would not want to be with a man who places such little value on being with his children.

Male 50s: I have kids 50%

PS OP sometimes fathers might not have so much custody because exDW/judge ie not their choice

Glad that you have 50/50. These days 50/50 is the norm and so if they don't have it, it's a red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you're a parent, but you want a non-parent to be interested?

I find this funny. Its like the fat women who only want athletic men.

But see, men do this a lot. They have 2 families- one early in life and then in their 40s divorce, find a younger woman and have a second family.

OK, maybe not a lot but more frequently than woman. If OP were a man looking for a woman who was in her 30s at age 44, many would not bat an eye...

Yes, biology plays a role here, but so does our gender constructs

It is possible to find younger men. I have two girlfriends in their early 50s dating never married men in their 40s. I don't think it would have worked if their kids were still in the house though.

[Anonymous]

You never know. My FIL married his AP six months after the divorce, soon after DH was done with college. They are happily married for over a decade now, swimming in $$$. She was 45 and he was 55 when they married. They both had kids at a young age, so they were younger empty nesters.

[Anonymous]

I’m 36 and happily married but man, I do not understand wanting to find a new serious thing. If we got divorced it’d be hookups and sleeping TF alone for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve noticed the exact opposite of the co-parenting issue. Most men with kids are either weekend-only dads, or their kids live in another state entirely and they see them only a couple times a year.

OP here. Now that is really sad. I honestly would not want to be with a man who places such little value on being with his children.

Male 50s: I have kids 50%

PS OP sometimes fathers might not have so much custody because exDW/judge ie not their choice

I’ve never met a man where it wasn’t their choice.

Most often I’ve seen they move out of state/country to further their career.

Sometimes I’ve met men who claim they have “no idea!” why they have only weekend custody and blame the xW, but then it becomes pretty clear why (they don’t work, or work too much, or have poor parenting judgement, or they really just don’t want to deal with kids).

Either way, I don’t buy the whole “xW/judge” thing. My dad was given weekends only when I was a kid, which was very common back then. He busted his @$$ to get custody - moved to be closer to us, highly involved in school and our lives in general, stepped down from a very lucrative career to spend more time with us.

None of the men I know without custody do anything like that. They just shrug their shoulders and don’t try to actually change any of the behavior that caused them to lose it in the first place. I’ve heard a lot of BS excuses like “I have to put on my own mask first!” Or “the best thing I can do is make a lot of money for my kids!” Or they want nothing to do with the difficult years of early childhood, but suddenly when their kid is a teen and can be a buddy instead of a child, they suddenly want more custody and are shocked when mom and the kid don’t want it (and then blame mom of course).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To the two previous posters, thanks for your insight. It is sad that you were not able to find somebody worthy, but I am glad that you are in a good place now.

I have always envisioned myself with a trusted partner who is my best friend and companion. I had such a relationship with my ex-husband until he started cheating during my pregnancy. I was/am so hoping to find a wonderful relationship again.

PP has only been single for two years. Don’t write off the possibility.

[Anonymous]

Your only choice is to look for a widower or date a 20 something. Most divorced men have fatal flaws, that's why some other woman threw him back - bad husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your only choice is to look for a widower or date a 20 something. Most divorced men have fatal flaws, that's why some other woman threw him back - bad husband.

Got it, OP?

Either an old man or a guy in his 20s.