Sad about minuscule pool of eligible men after divorce at 44

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am beginning to understand that "something has to give", as most people by this age have accumulated "baggage". It's just a totally different situation than in our 20s. It takes some time to get used to it.

[Anonymous]

I'm a man in my 40s with a 50/50 co-parenting situation and have had no trouble dating and have had several longer relationships. Many have been with women in your same situation, OP, and they're overworked and tired like us all, but also have been able to date with no problems.

It just takes time when you're newly back to it and a willingness to try things that you wouldn't have before (not necessarily online dating, but that is one such thing.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you're a parent, but you want a non-parent to be interested?

I find this funny. Its like the fat women who only want athletic men.

But see, men do this a lot. They have 2 families- one early in life and then in their 40s divorce, find a younger woman and have a second family.

OK, maybe not a lot but more frequently than woman. If OP were a man looking for a woman who was in her 30s at age 44, many would not bat an eye...

Yes, biology plays a role here, but so does our gender constructs

Biology plays a huge role. A woman in her 40s or 50s probably isn't going to be having another set of children. A man at that age can become a father again quite easily, with a younger wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am beginning to understand that "something has to give", as most people by this age have accumulated "baggage". It's just a totally different situation than in our 20s. It takes some time to get used to it.

Hi OP. I’m 46 divorced for 2 years and mom to two wonderful teenagers. Only men I've met in my age bracket (ten years + older even) simply want to “have fun”. It is a deep, deep bummer. I’ve decided to devote myself to my kids, my siblings, my aging parents, my health, and my work. Even my ex husband because he is dad of my kids and their other anchor in the world. Coming to terms with the truth that the spouse I want to partner with for the second half of life may not exist is very, very sad for me. I’m a nice wholesome healthy kind decently attractive person and still... no dice. Hug to you...

[Anonymous]

I divorced at 42/43 and have had three luxurious years to heal and focus on myself and to really focus on my kids- who has to suffer through a verbally abusive father and a extra long divorce.

I’ve found falling in love with myself to be pretty amazing. The rush to department seems frantic- take your time learn to treasure yourself and your freedom and show your child how resilient ans strong you are, and how much fun you can have 1:1 with them vs hastily bringing some man into the picture.


Everyone thinks they have no time. You ha e no time for a bad relationship- but only with self work and time will you likely be a good partner to anyone or them to you. Take your time, is my advice/

[Anonymous]

OP here. To the two previous posters, thanks for your insight. It is sad that you were not able to find somebody worthy, but I am glad that you are in a good place now.

I have always envisioned myself with a trusted partner who is my best friend and companion. I had such a relationship with my ex-husband until he started cheating during my pregnancy. I was/am so hoping to find a wonderful relationship again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To the two previous posters, thanks for your insight. It is sad that you were not able to find somebody worthy, but I am glad that you are in a good place now.

I have always envisioned myself with a trusted partner who is my best friend and companion. I had such a relationship with my ex-husband until he started cheating during my pregnancy. I was/am so hoping to find a wonderful relationship again.

I'm confused about timelines. Your DC is 11? And DH cheated when you were pregnant? Have you been divorced a while or did it really take you years to divorce him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To the two previous posters, thanks for your insight. It is sad that you were not able to find somebody worthy, but I am glad that you are in a good place now.

I have always envisioned myself with a trusted partner who is my best friend and companion. I had such a relationship with my ex-husband until he started cheating during my pregnancy. I was/am so hoping to find a wonderful relationship again.

I'm confused about timelines. Your DC is 11? And DH cheated when you were pregnant? Have you been divorced a while or did it really take you years to divorce him?

OP here. I divorced only recently. I stuck it out as long as I could because I did not want to be a single mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The majority of the single guys in your age range are someone’s ex and the majority of the single women are successful with ex husbands. This tracks.

Source?

[Anonymous]

Try Bumble. A friend joined and I was shocked at the number of normal looking, age appropriate men in their 40s & 50s looking for similarly aged women.

[Anonymous]

Op, you got divorced during the pandemic. I think dating is pretty hard right now. I am in a relationship now. I am in a slightly different situation. I unmarried and child free.

I am mid forties and found dating from 40 to 43 during non pandemic times to be great as long as you are willing to date divorced dads! I just felt like I got a lot of attention from cute, fit enough men with great jobs. And I’m nothing special.

I mean, is it like when you were 25? No. But it’d better than dating in your thirties, when it seems like all the good mean are taken. By your forties some of those good mean are divorced and back on the dating market.

I think dating will improve for you once the pandemic has waned.

[Anonymous]

Early 40s divorced woman here. You and I have kind of simliar situations. You stayed in a marriage for your child when you probably should have left. So did I. The difference is that I never had a good marriage and was about to leave and had an accidental pregnancy in a place where my career was not located and I could not leave. I stayed...until I could not...wasted a decade. But here is the key difference...the moment I I had the positive unplanned pregnancy test, I knew it was over (the dream of having a marriage I wanted with a man I wanted to be with)--I was now stuck with a child with someone I did not want to be with. I knew that staying meant I would probably never have the relationship I really wanted because time would pass me by. I was already in my early 30s then...it would be have been fine for me to start over without the pregnancy but once that happened, I knew my chances of having what I really wanted would probably never happened since I was staying. So, when I finallly divorced in my early 40s, I had no illusions about the supply of men. I divorced assuming I would stay single forever and may never be in love again (the last time I was in love was before my bad marriage that was always a mistake).

I am sorry you are going through this now and it must seem overwhelming. I was prepared for it and divorced knowing that ship has sailed.

I have dated younger men. It's fine but I am not under the impression it will turn into anything. I think you are right that men never married by 40 likely have issues. I just learned that myself the hard way recently. I thought maybe I did find what I was looking for, but then issues came out than explained why he had never married.

Back to square 1 for me. But I am okay with the fact that the long-term partnershlp I wanted is not likely to ever happen. If I have some companions that last a year or two here and there, that is really good enough for me now. I was devastated 10 years ago when I accepted this was probably never going to happen for me when I stayed due to the pregnancy. I guess I already went through this early in my marriage vs. going through it upon divorce.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Look for older widowers OP. Most divorced middle aged guys are divorced for a reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look for older widowers OP. Most divorced middle aged guys are divorced for a reason.

So many cheaters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look for older widowers OP. Most divorced middle aged guys are divorced for a reason.

I was just about to say that!

Read an old Dating Lab piece in the paper where the woman was 51. She said her father told her to start paying attention to the obits looking for widowers. OP's younger but if I was her, that what I'd do.