Sad about minuscule pool of eligible men after divorce at 44

[Anonymous]

Are you a saltwater fisherman, PP?

What entire job can you not work in another state, or why could you not transition to a career that was possible in your state? I'm fascinated by your tale of utter helplessness. Its almost like you take no active role in the outcome of your own life.

I do hope your child never hears about your "wasted decade", considering you seem to basically blame it on their existence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you a saltwater fisherman, PP?

What entire job can you not work in another state, or why could you not transition to a career that was possible in your state? I'm fascinated by your tale of utter helplessness. Its almost like you take no active role in the outcome of your own life.

I do hope your child never hears about your "wasted decade", considering you seem to basically blame it on their existence.

He would not let me switch careers. I made too much money. Always planned to come back here anyway. He would not let me take time off of work. He married me for "practical reasons." I blame him. Unless you have been in an emotionally abusive relationship (I was not even able to leave the house for 6 years...he would not let me go to the grocery store even...he wanted to control what was allowed in the house), don't comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 36 and happily married but man, I do not understand wanting to find a new serious thing. If we got divorced it’d be hookups and sleeping TF alone for me.

Same here, especially since I have kids and assume almost everyone I could date would also have kids. I just refuse to expose my kids to a new partner and relationship. Like just go hog wild when you don’t have your kids. Stop thinking of partnering again.

Also, my mom remarried when I was 14 and my stepdad was very creepy around me and I would be so freaked out by something like that happening to my kids.

If you were the partner that was cheated on and wanted a long term relationship, you'd think differently. The last thing I want is to sleep around when I was so grossed out by my spouse doing it.

[Anonymous]

Its very different "sleeping around" when it is what you want. You can't compare it to the lies and betrayal of being lied to by a cheating spouse.

I prefer open, honest, upfront adult encounters. I don't want a committed relationship or to blend families, I plan to casually date or have FWB type relationships till my kids leave home for college. That is not akin to "sleeping around" like a cheating spouse may have been, its about making adult choices to engage with other adults in an honest way that benefits my long term goals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 36 and happily married but man, I do not understand wanting to find a new serious thing. If we got divorced it’d be hookups and sleeping TF alone for me.

Same here, especially since I have kids and assume almost everyone I could date would also have kids. I just refuse to expose my kids to a new partner and relationship. Like just go hog wild when you don’t have your kids. Stop thinking of partnering again.

Also, my mom remarried when I was 14 and my stepdad was very creepy around me and I would be so freaked out by something like that happening to my kids.

If you were the partner that was cheated on and wanted a long term relationship, you'd think differently. The last thing I want is to sleep around when I was so grossed out by my spouse doing it.

You could have a long term relationship with one person without having to partner with them and “blend” your families while you still have a child at home is what we’re saying, not that your only options are remarry or sleep around

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 49 and have been separated for 5 yrs from my partner of 25 yrs. We have 2 pre teen children—yes we waited a long time into our relationship to have kids.

My focus is on them. My career is starting to rebound from the demands of early childhood. I have a great group of girlfriends that I love. I’ve dated a bit but there have been sparks. So far the best dates I’ve had have been Netflix, a bath, and a glass of wine. No man can excite me like the idea of my couch!

I wish I had a FWB because sex would be nice but there’s no one around for that either. Or maybe it’s just too much work. If I meet someone in the course of my every day life great, if not, I love the life I’ve made for myself and I’m comfortable doing things like movies, dinner, and traveling alone. So that maybe be my future and I’m okay with it.

That's what they all say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your only choice is to look for a widower or date a 20 something. Most divorced men have fatal flaws, that's why some other woman threw him back - bad husband.

Which makes them perfect for a divorced woman who was tossed back.

I'm sure I'll get flamed for saying this but: You went to college, you dated one smelly guy, you eventually found a job and moved in with your college BF. You didn't realize that real life is different from college. But now it's 3-4 years post college and you bought into the idea that you MUST get married by 30 and you've "invested" so much time in him. You have a wonderful wedding, all your sorority sisters are in it. So many great pictures. Then you wake up one day after the honeymoon and realize this is it. And your husband has the same realization. You're both miserable, and eventually you divorce.

Let's stop acting like women who weren't picky are innocent actors. They weren't picky, they put up with crap, and now they're sobbing that dating at 44 isn't what it was at 24. But don't worry, they'll feel better about themselves by calling divorced men damaged and calling single women weird. They'll be fine.

OP: you stayed with a cheater. Sucks to suck, but you made a mistake. And for what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve noticed the exact opposite of the co-parenting issue. Most men with kids are either weekend-only dads, or their kids live in another state entirely and they see them only a couple times a year.

OP here. Now that is really sad. I honestly would not want to be with a man who places such little value on being with his children.

Ok but something has got to give. Everyone has more “baggage” by that point.

It’s interesting. We are friends with a couple with two kids. The dad is very involved with them and otherwise seems like a friendly, nice guy. I was shocked to find out he has two teens from his first marriage that live across the country and he sees a couple times a year at best.

[Anonymous]

My best advice is that if you focus on making your life for your family and yourself as interesting and admirable as possible you'll meet interesting and admirable people.

I will never understand why women put themselves through the online dating app culture. That is so unappealing to me for so many reasons, mainly because it leads people - both men and women - to size each up in these "market"-like ways. Life and people and relationships are so much richer than that.

[Anonymous]

This. This whole stupid thread. I'm 43 and male and happily married with 3 kids. So happily so that i'd rather my wife be widowed than me ever be divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve noticed the exact opposite of the co-parenting issue. Most men with kids are either weekend-only dads, or their kids live in another state entirely and they see them only a couple times a year.

OP here. Now that is really sad. I honestly would not want to be with a man who places such little value on being with his children.

You have to compromise. First you tell us you don’t want someone highly involved in co-parenting with an ex. Now you tell us you don’t want someone who only sees their kids on weekends. You also don’t want someone whose never been married.

All that is fine but realize you are willingly reducing your pool of potential partners. You’re doing it to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you're a parent, but you want a non-parent to be interested?

I find this funny. Its like the fat women who only want athletic men.

But see, men do this a lot. They have 2 families- one early in life and then in their 40s divorce, find a younger woman and have a second family.

OK, maybe not a lot but more frequently than woman. If OP were a man looking for a woman who was in her 30s at age 44, many would not bat an eye...

Yes, biology plays a role here, but so does our gender constructs

Biology plays a huge role. A woman in her 40s or 50s probably isn't going to be having another set of children. A man at that age can become a father again quite easily, with a younger wife.

He can.. but why? To be paying college tuition in your 70s?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look for older widowers OP. Most divorced middle aged guys are divorced for a reason.

Widows greatly outumber widowers in the OP age group. They get snapped up quickly. I am a widow on a number of widow groups, so I know .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This. This whole stupid thread. I'm 43 and male and happily married with 3 kids. So happily so that i'd rather my wife be widowed than me ever be divorced.

So you have nothing to contribute to this thread? What is your point exactly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your only choice is to look for a widower or date a 20 something. Most divorced men have fatal flaws, that's why some other woman threw him back - bad husband.

Which makes them perfect for a divorced woman who was tossed back.

I'm sure I'll get flamed for saying this but: You went to college, you dated one smelly guy, you eventually found a job and moved in with your college BF. You didn't realize that real life is different from college. But now it's 3-4 years post college and you bought into the idea that you MUST get married by 30 and you've "invested" so much time in him. You have a wonderful wedding, all your sorority sisters are in it. So many great pictures. Then you wake up one day after the honeymoon and realize this is it. And your husband has the same realization. You're both miserable, and eventually you divorce.

Let's stop acting like women who weren't picky are innocent actors. They weren't picky, they put up with crap, and now they're sobbing that dating at 44 isn't what it was at 24. But don't worry, they'll feel better about themselves by calling divorced men damaged and calling single women weird. They'll be fine.

OP: you stayed with a cheater. Sucks to suck, but you made a mistake. And for what?

PP, let me guess, you're single. Not even divorced.