Reply to Resent husband and his sibling over care of Mother in Law

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous] OP here-  btw, I didn’t post about memory care like prison- we did call on memory care but it is 7k a month and would go through her money so fast. And she is with it during some days so we felt like she could do well in assisted. She isn’t confused all the time.  I have no idea really- we have tried to research / talk to doctors/  and figure out what to do. 
 I guess I resent the BIL because yes a person in retirement has more of that beautiful thing called time. We are shuffling work demands, three kids,
- they are juggling a lot of free time. I think with this coming on and bring as high need, why can’t they come and take some shifts of elder care? 
  I think that is fair. One sibling cannot be the only caretaker. [/quote]

OP, as I mentioned upthread, do you assume that BIL and his wife are not doing anything useful with their time now that they're retired? They may have hobbies and interests, they may do volunteering in their community, they may work on their house and garden now that they have the time. They may just be enjoying themselves. That's what retirement is for. A lot of retired people I know have a busier life than when they were working!

Are BIL's wife's parents still alive? Are they providing care for them?

You don't get to dictate when BIL and wife visit and how often. Stop trying to control other people's behaviour. It's exhausting! I know from experience! I was in your shoes years ago, in a similar situation. I tried to get members of my family to help me. It didn't work. Asking politely didn't work and asking more forcefully didn't work either. They were spending their free time on 'fun' things instead. I got so stressed out by it all and I lost more than a stone. I felt very let down and lonely.

Perhaps your BIL assumes that you are happy having his mother live with you. After all it was your DH who decided to move her.

A memory care facility would be the best place for your MIL. 
[/quote]

This is so tone deaf.

[/quote]

NP. It's really not, though. Listen, elder care is a choice. I could possibly be the BIL in the future. Many of the details are different, I'm sure...but my parent has totally refused to prepare for aging and has been diagnosed with several serious health conditions that will be a long-term decline. For the past several years...I've seen this coming. They don't qualify for subsidized housing and Medicaid due to a divorce they refuse to get even though they haven't seen their "spouse" for years. They will certainly expect for my sibling and I to pay cash for any care, housing, etc. instead of the public benefits they are entitled to. My sibling has totally refused to cooperate in getting our parent to line themselves up for the help they'll need and have enabled this parent to stay in this situation. I have made it very, very clear I will have nothing to do with this hot-mess of a situation. I can see how this is going to escalate even though my sibling can't. And I mean it...my sibling will be on the hook for any help they choose to provide. So, who knows what happened between BIL and OP's husband. [/quote]
so you wash your hands of your elderly parent.  That's nice for you.[/quote]

It will be great for me, thanks. I'll be happy to drive this parent to appointments, drop off food...and as it stands I make sure they get gift cards for food so they can eat. But no, I won't pay for or provide nursing care services or housing when they have patently refused to line themselves up for Medicaid and senior subsidized housing. They will need it. This parent is abusive (for example, goes through periods of time when they refuse to wear clothes inside their home) and it will get far worse as they deteriorate. I've been shouting from the rooftops what's going to happen here...so yes, hands washed.[/quote]

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