H accuses me of refusing to take the bar exam while solely caring for 8-year-old during pandemic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So let me get this straight. His position is that you need to take the bar so you can earn more money so he can divorce you and not pay as much support. And since you’re not studying for the bar to make more money so it’s easier for him to divorce you, you must be a lazy person. And some part of you looks at this scenario and thinks huh, maybe I am lazy and not doing enough. Instead of, perhaps, just maybe, thinking holy crap, I’m married to a horrible human and maybe this is an emotionally unhealthy situation for not only myself, but also my child. Because if your thought process is the former rather than the later, he has done a number on you and you need some sort of giant wake-up call. I hope this thread is it.

OP here. Sadly, it is the former... PP, thank you for the wake-up call. I just don't understand how my husband can have so little empathy for me. He says I am making excuses for not hiring enough online tutors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So let me get this straight. His position is that you need to take the bar so you can earn more money so he can divorce you and not pay as much support. And since you’re not studying for the bar to make more money so it’s easier for him to divorce you, you must be a lazy person. And some part of you looks at this scenario and thinks huh, maybe I am lazy and not doing enough. Instead of, perhaps, just maybe, thinking holy crap, I’m married to a horrible human and maybe this is an emotionally unhealthy situation for not only myself, but also my child. Because if your thought process is the former rather than the later, he has done a number on you and you need some sort of giant wake-up call. I hope this thread is it.

OP here. Sadly, it is the former... PP, thank you for the wake-up call. I just don't understand how my husband can have so little empathy for me. He says I am making excuses for not hiring enough online tutors.

OP, know the truth, and the truth will set you free. You love your husband and want to stay married. You are hurting yourself holding on to this marriage. You don't understand how he can have so little empathy. It is because you don't mean the same to him that he means to you. It is painful. You have to get it though. Accept it. Be free. Better will come to you, if you let this go.

[Anonymous]

If you are an attorney and have taken a bar exam I don’t know why you have to study so much. I’ve take. A couple of bar exams and didn’t even stop working full time for the first one.

Honestly I don’t see why you can’t do it. You shouldn’t have to sit with an eight year old for virtual school. And you certainly are t working many hours if you’re only billing $10-$15k a month.

Your marriage and life is a mess. But taking care of an 8 year old and working a few hours a week shouldn’t prevent you from preparing for a second bar exam.

[Anonymous]

Why do you need to move away? All schools in the DC area were virtual anyway. I know dozens of parents who stayed here and no one got COVID-19. You moving away was BS. Why take your kid out of the school system?

Where is the whole story. Also, not fair for your husband to work and support you while you stay away with his son.

[Anonymous]

I don’t mean to sound harsh, but the reality is that you have one 8 year-old, not one two year-old. You can study for the bar exam. Give the kid an iPad, or get a sitter, or take your books with you to the park. You are not the first single parent to take a bar exam.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He says he is giving me three years to maximize my earning potential, and we should divorce then. He is being understanding and supportive.

I am totally on the fence about divorcing. On one hand he is getting on my nerves. On the other hand I believe that parenting an elementary-school child is a family project and should not be left to me alone, also to cope with earnings losses due to unequal child care responsibilities. He absolutely cannot be counted on to care for the kid, as he does not plan to change his work schedule of 5 a.m. to 7 p.m.

We plan to move to an expensive state, and I could definitely not pay mortgage payments for a decent home even with a take-home pay of $12k.

I think you need a divorce now. I have a similar story—he made me wait to divorce to improve his situation. Start separation now. Take the bar after divorce. I make less than you. You will live. My ex makes double. I would have gotten alimony if I did not wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need to move away? All schools in the DC area were virtual anyway. I know dozens of parents who stayed here and no one got COVID-19. You moving away was BS. Why take your kid out of the school system?

Where is the whole story. Also, not fair for your husband to work and support you while you stay away with his son.

PP, my son is enrolled in a regular private school, he is not being home-schooled. Where we are now schools were expected to stay open, but sadly didn't. I moved here for the purpose of enabling my son to have a normal school experience.

My husband is not supporting me. Currently I earn enough to pay for our living expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't afford a mortgage on take home of 12k per month? Sure you can.

You should be stashing a ton of money for yourself, at your current income. Prepare for divorce. It sounds like he is. Pay for childcare so you can study for the exam, if that is of importance right now.

$12K a month is my family's entire gross pay and we're not badly off. There's zero reason to have money problems (either needing a provider OR complaining about someone not putting their weight on that income.

OP here. Decent houses in the area where we would both like to live start at around $2m. So my $12k take-home pay (before taxes) will not go far. But I agree, I should not aspire to live in that expensive place.

Take my word for it - freedom in a condo > ahole spouse in a SFH.

You do not need a “nice house”. You need a nice family. It sounds like that can only happen if you ditch your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are an attorney and have taken a bar exam I don’t know why you have to study so much. I’ve take. A couple of bar exams and didn’t even stop working full time for the first one.

Honestly I don’t see why you can’t do it. You shouldn’t have to sit with an eight year old for virtual school. And you certainly are t working many hours if you’re only billing $10-$15k a month.

Your marriage and life is a mess. But taking care of an 8 year old and working a few hours a week shouldn’t prevent you from preparing for a second bar exam.

OP here. PP, I'm happy for your that the bar exams were a breeze for you. I don't find it easy, also because I work in a very niche field where I do not get to use 95% of the things that are on the bar.

Yes, I work part-time as an attorney, but almost-full time as a teacher/tutor, basically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need to move away? All schools in the DC area were virtual anyway. I know dozens of parents who stayed here and no one got COVID-19. You moving away was BS. Why take your kid out of the school system?

Where is the whole story. Also, not fair for your husband to work and support you while you stay away with his son.

PP, my son is enrolled in a regular private school, he is not being home-schooled. Where we are now schools were expected to stay open, but sadly didn't. I moved here for the purpose of enabling my son to have a normal school experience.

My husband is not supporting me. Currently I earn enough to pay for our living expenses.

So, stay where you are and get divorced. If you can live there on your currently salary, there is no reason to take a bar exam and move to an expensive state.

[Anonymous]

I guess he’s trying to convince you to move to San Francisco or something similar.

Tell him no.

You’re supporting yourself and your son just fine without him. You don’t need to take the other bar. Stay where you are, let your son continue his distance learning, soon he’ll be in school in person again and you can ramp up your practice.

Tell your husband that if you’re divorcing, it will be now and you’ll not be going anywhere.

His requests are manipulative and illogical. Don’t fall for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are an attorney and have taken a bar exam I don’t know why you have to study so much. I’ve take. A couple of bar exams and didn’t even stop working full time for the first one.

Honestly I don’t see why you can’t do it. You shouldn’t have to sit with an eight year old for virtual school. And you certainly are t working many hours if you’re only billing $10-$15k a month.

Your marriage and life is a mess. But taking care of an 8 year old and working a few hours a week shouldn’t prevent you from preparing for a second bar exam.

OP here. PP, I'm happy for your that the bar exams were a breeze for you. I don't find it easy, also because I work in a very niche field where I do not get to use 95% of the things that are on the bar.

Yes, I work part-time as an attorney, but almost-full time as a teacher/tutor, basically.

Point is you choose to teach/tutor your 8 year old. It’s not necessary. Like I said, I think your marriage is a mess. But I also think if you were on board with this bar exam you would figure it out. Because your life is filled with ways to make time that you choose not to take.

[Anonymous]

Wow. PPs are harsh. Op, you are a lawyer, but please see a family law attorney in the state where you are now and get advice about custody, child support, etc.

Your DH is a douche and you are divorcing whether you like it or not. Think about what kind of life you want to build with your kid. That doesn’t mean think about what kind of home you will have, it means think about creating a calm loving life that will give your kid stability and love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are an attorney and have taken a bar exam I don’t know why you have to study so much. I’ve take. A couple of bar exams and didn’t even stop working full time for the first one.

Honestly I don’t see why you can’t do it. You shouldn’t have to sit with an eight year old for virtual school. And you certainly are t working many hours if you’re only billing $10-$15k a month.

Your marriage and life is a mess. But taking care of an 8 year old and working a few hours a week shouldn’t prevent you from preparing for a second bar exam.

OP here. PP, I'm happy for your that the bar exams were a breeze for you. I don't find it easy, also because I work in a very niche field where I do not get to use 95% of the things that are on the bar.

Yes, I work part-time as an attorney, but almost-full time as a teacher/tutor, basically.

Point is you choose to teach/tutor your 8 year old. It’s not necessary. Like I said, I think your marriage is a mess. But I also think if you were on board with this bar exam you would figure it out. Because your life is filled with ways to make time that you choose not to take.

Can you clarify why op should stop helping her son with DL in the middle of a pandemic, to take a bar exam to increase her earnings, so that her dh doesn’t have to pay as much to support her and her son in a divorce? What is your logic here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't afford a mortgage on take home of 12k per month? Sure you can.

You should be stashing a ton of money for yourself, at your current income. Prepare for divorce. It sounds like he is. Pay for childcare so you can study for the exam, if that is of importance right now.

$12K a month is my family's entire gross pay and we're not badly off. There's zero reason to have money problems (either needing a provider OR complaining about someone not putting their weight on that income.

OP here. Decent houses in the area where we would both like to live start at around $2m. So my $12k take-home pay (before taxes) will not go far. But I agree, I should not aspire to live in that expensive place.

Op will you be working for the same company in the new, expensive place? You said that you teach, tutor and practice law. Do you have your own practice or do you work for a practice in your current town? Will you be able to keep the job? Same with the tutoring and teaching? You can’t rely on your dh to provide for you if he wants to divorce you. He will be obligated to pay child support but not alimony. You may have always wanted to live in this new expensive place but it sounds more like a wish than a solid plan. You can live lots of nice places on 12,000 a month but places where homes are $2 million likely have high rents. Also, you have your child in private school. If you continue that, you will have those expenses. I really think you need to reconsider the move