H accuses me of refusing to take the bar exam while solely caring for 8-year-old during pandemic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You both sound crazy. He is planning a divorce and yet you are on the fence? Are you both on the spectrum?

Seriously my first thought after reading it. It appears that they both are to a degree Asperger's. It seems that Husband is bit more on the spectrum though with some unusually nasty traits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Judging by the amount of SELF love, and SELF centerless it looks like your hubby is a Narcissist on Autism Spectrum with serious Midas touch issues putting money first and like the concept of love never entered his blood pump organ.

You on the other hand also seem a bit cold when you talk about all this and while money is important the family seems to be somewhere far in the background.

Where is LOVE in your family? Who loves your child if anyone? I mean love, not just farm the kid.

OP here. Your comment is hurtful, PP. This post is about my husband, not my child. I have given up 80% of my work in order to support my child while he is lonely and depressed during distance learning. I don't need to spill it out on this thread how much I love him.

[Anonymous]

OP: Off topic, but what is your niche practice that is so in-demand? How do you market it? Do you have to take the multi-state bar to practice in your new state, or just the state portion? ~ another lawyer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Off topic, but what is your niche practice that is so in-demand? How do you market it? Do you have to take the multi-state bar to practice in your new state, or just the state portion? ~ another lawyer

OP here. I have additional qualifications not acquired in the US. I'd rather not go into further details. I don't do any marketing apart from lectures. If you google my niche, my law firm is the first thing you see. Plus I get a ton of referrals from other professionals and organizations.

I have to take only the state portion of the bar exam in the new state. However, they have a track record of demanding the full scale of multi-state knowledge on their state portion, too.

I can hardly wait to get back in the game full-time, as soon as schools go back to normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you go through all this - study for the bar, move to an expensive state you can’t affird on your own, etc. - only to divorce when you’re there? You can stay here, continue to earn a decent living and you won’t have to study for the bar. You are doing backflips and twisting yourself into a pretzel fur a man who doesn’t give a F about you but has convinced you he’s being understanding and reasonable.

Don’t move. You’ll be stuck there.

+1. You're divorcing anyway. Stay where you are now and skip the bar exam. And go see a family lawyer stat so you can prepare for divorce on your terms. Which should be soon. Sounds like your husband has no interest in you or his child, so he may not even fight you for custody. And he pays less alimony if you stay where you are in a less expensive area and mostly or entirely support yourself -- for which it sounds like you don't need another bar exam.

+2 You can't afford the new state on your own -- and you are about to be on your own -- and aren't licensed to practice there, so don't move there. Live with your child where you can afford to live and work and where you have the support of your own family and friends, if possible -- because you will get none from this guy. He wants to live a bachelor life in this fancy new place, with 50% equity invested in a home he will never step foot in because he won't owe alimony and his investment property looks like support to you (it isn't). Meanwhile, you will be living the life a divorced single parent in a place where you have not established a career and cannot afford, while being handcuffed to your ex husband because he owns half a house you cannot afford on your own (and therefore will have say on every improvement and sale). You will become his indentured servant, working to maintain his investment property.

Do NOT do this. Get your own lawyer immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are an attorney and have taken a bar exam I don’t know why you have to study so much. I’ve take. A couple of bar exams and didn’t even stop working full time for the first one.

Honestly I don’t see why you can’t do it. You shouldn’t have to sit with an eight year old for virtual school. And you certainly are t working many hours if you’re only billing $10-$15k a month.

Your marriage and life is a mess. But taking care of an 8 year old and working a few hours a week shouldn’t prevent you from preparing for a second bar exam.

OP here. PP, I'm happy for your that the bar exams were a breeze for you. I don't find it easy, also because I work in a very niche field where I do not get to use 95% of the things that are on the bar.

Yes, I work part-time as an attorney, but almost-full time as a teacher/tutor, basically.

Point is you choose to teach/tutor your 8 year old. It’s not necessary. Like I said, I think your marriage is a mess. But I also think if you were on board with this bar exam you would figure it out. Because your life is filled with ways to make time that you choose not to take.

Can you clarify why op should stop helping her son with DL in the middle of a pandemic, to take a bar exam to increase her earnings, so that her dh doesn’t have to pay as much to support her and her son in a divorce? What is your logic here?

That’s not my point. My point is that if she wanted to do it, she could. And she wouldn’t ha e to stop assisting with DL. She works probably 10 hours a week. Between that and six hours a day of DL, there’s a ton of time in her week. Lack of time is a weak excuse. She just needs to own it.

Frankly, I can think of many reasons OP would benefit from doing it. First, she’s not getting alimony and child support goes to age 18. She wants to move to an expensive area and she’s going to need a job which she can’t get without a license so she can’t move until she does it. What happens if her DH goes for custody and gets it and takes him to this expensive city and she can’t follow? Sounds like he can easily outspend her in a custody battle.

I think the PP who said she’s fighting the divorce because she wants to stay married is right. And I think it’s always a good idea to prepare yourself for what life is going to put on your plate.

But why would she? She’s already a lawyer with a private practice. She’s solo parenting in the middle of a pandemic. She makes enough money to support herself and her child. Her dh wants her to earn more so he wouldn’t have to pay child support because he’s a high earner. Why on earth would she want to take that on?

Agree. Who cares if she could run herself ragged to make this happen for a guy who is itching to divorce her with no alimony? She doesn't have to take the new bar for her own good -- only his -- so she should not do it. She should focus on her clients and her kid and a good divorce attorney.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused if your son is doing virtual school or if you are home-schooling. I don't see why you couldn't study and work while taking care of one 8 yr old. But if you are divorcing, and don't really want to take the bar exam, just move back to the state you are already able to work in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused if your son is doing virtual school or if you are home-schooling. I don't see why you couldn't study and work while taking care of one 8 yr old. But if you are divorcing, and don't really want to take the bar exam, just move back to the state you are already able to work in.

Sounds like the ds is doing hybrid, with majority of the time being at home.

[Anonymous]

I would not count on your husband to continue to be a "good provider" once he is your ex. Many women fall for this, and many men do a 180 once the divorce comes through, or he gets a new girlfriend and later a new family. You simply cannot count on him.

[Anonymous]

Poor 8 yo with a self-centered A-hole father like this.

[Anonymous]

Dtmfa

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Judging by the amount of SELF love, and SELF centerless it looks like your hubby is a Narcissist on Autism Spectrum with serious Midas touch issues putting money first and like the concept of love never entered his blood pump organ.

You on the other hand also seem a bit cold when you talk about all this and while money is important the family seems to be somewhere far in the background.

Where is LOVE in your family? Who loves your child if anyone? I mean love, not just farm the kid.

Oh, give me a freaking break. Being a selfish jerk and putting too much emphasis on finance in life decisions is not a signature of autism. I have family members on the spectrum and this is seriously absurd and offensive to actual autistic people.

I am also not sure how OP taking tons of time off work to help her 8 year old with DL when private school is closed is "farming" the kid, does only homeschooling count as love?

This is the most judgmental and flat out wrong post I've read on DCUM in probably 3 days, which is fairly impressive given the level of discourse on this site.

[Anonymous]

Wow, this sounds tough. Agree with pp that you should see a family law attorney to make sure you have a clear understanding of your options regarding alimony, custody etc.

I’m guessing you’re scared of divorcing even if you recognize your DH is a jerk. That’s normal. But he’s telling you clearly who he is and you should take advantage of that & prepare!

You didn’t say much about custody; if you stay here it doesn’t sound like your H will fight to take your child with him. And if he did I imagine you would have a stronger chance- you’ve been doing all the heavy lifting with your kid now.

I wouldn’t move with him. He doesn't sound like he's interested in having a supportive relationship with you even post divorce and you'd be leaving behind whatever your support network is here and changing your kid's school.

Don't stay tied to him by moving! Move later if you still want to post divorce!

See a lawyer, gets your ducks in a row, file for divorce. Worry about the bar once school is back to normal next year. Divorce and the bar/moving are separate events.
Good luck- and a video call with a good therapist biweekly might be something to consider!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you go through all this - study for the bar, move to an expensive state you can’t affird on your own, etc. - only to divorce when you’re there? You can stay here, continue to earn a decent living and you won’t have to study for the bar. You are doing backflips and twisting yourself into a pretzel fur a man who doesn’t give a F about you but has convinced you he’s being understanding and reasonable.

Don’t move. You’ll be stuck there.

+1. You're divorcing anyway. Stay where you are now and skip the bar exam. And go see a family lawyer stat so you can prepare for divorce on your terms. Which should be soon. Sounds like your husband has no interest in you or his child, so he may not even fight you for custody. And he pays less alimony if you stay where you are in a less expensive area and mostly or entirely support yourself -- for which it sounds like you don't need another bar exam.

+2 You can't afford the new state on your own -- and you are about to be on your own -- and aren't licensed to practice there, so don't move there. Live with your child where you can afford to live and work and where you have the support of your own family and friends, if possible -- because you will get none from this guy. He wants to live a bachelor life in this fancy new place, with 50% equity invested in a home he will never step foot in because he won't owe alimony and his investment property looks like support to you (it isn't). Meanwhile, you will be living the life a divorced single parent in a place where you have not established a career and cannot afford, while being handcuffed to your ex husband because he owns half a house you cannot afford on your own (and therefore will have say on every improvement and sale). You will become his indentured servant, working to maintain his investment property.

Do NOT do this. Get your own lawyer immediately.

+ 1! Perfectly said. I'd also consider a therapist possibly- someone to remind you of the facts above and give you an unbiased second opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both sound crazy. He is planning a divorce and yet you are on the fence? Are you both on the spectrum?

Seriously my first thought after reading it. It appears that they both are to a degree Asperger's. It seems that Husband is bit more on the spectrum though with some unusually nasty traits.

Honestly who cares if they are? Or if just he is? They're both high earning capable adults. OP doesn't seem on the spectrum to me. Even if her DH is it's not important. It's not an excuse for bad behavior and won't change anything.