H accuses me of refusing to take the bar exam while solely caring for 8-year-old during pandemic

[Anonymous]

I am looking for advice on how to make my H understand my situation and point of view. But perhaps he is right and I am delusional/lazy/money grabbing?

I was about to start preparing for another bar exam (of a state where we want to move) when the pandemic hit. I am already a member of one state bar and work as a sole practitioner. To escape COVID my 8 year-old son and I moved to a much safer area (planning to stay for about one year), and H stayed behind and continued his work. Since mid-March 2020 our son had a total of 10 weeks of full-time schooling and and 4 weeks of 14 hours/week.

I have reduced my workload significantly and can barely keep up with client work. I still bill around $10k to 15k per month, because there is just so much to do in my existing cases. I mostly work before our son wakes up, and whenever I get 15-30 uninterrupted minutes throughout the day.

Of course, I had to postpone the second bar exam. Based on past experience I know that I can take it only when our kid will be back in school full-time.

H accuses me that I refuse to take the bar exam on purpose so that I can continue to live off him. He wants us to have "separate budgets" and eventually divorce. He says that he is only biding his time allowing me to earn less while I take the second bar exam, so that I can ramp up my earning afterwards, presumably so that he will not have to pay me alimony.

He says that I should hire online teachers for the kid so that I can prepare for the bar. I told him that it is unrealistic to have the kid be taught online for 6-8 hours a day by various teachers.

Besides, the vast majority of good teacher have jobs during work hours.

I am so upset that he does not understand my situation. Am I unreasonable? He says that I should stop all client work and should only focus on the bar. I told him that even then I would not be able to study 6-8 hours per day with an 8-year-old around 24/7 (minus 14 hours per week). Of course, the law school graduates are supposed to spend more like 10-12 hours studying during the three months before the exam. I do not have any help like grandparents.

I would like our kid to finish out this school year here where we have been staying during the pandemic. Besides, it's not like H would be a big help when we return in the summer. He moves around a lot because of his work anyway and is due to transfer to a new location soon, where he will spend the next five months.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

[Anonymous]

So you know you want to divorce?

And he's accusing you of lowering your monthly income so he's forced to pay alimony.

But if you stop billing clients entirely and study for the bar - won't he be paying for the alimony anyway?

What's the timeline on the divorce?

[Anonymous]

Wow.

He sounds just as cruel and irrational as my husband, who accused me of not wanting to get my own employment-based visa after spending 15 year not being allowed to work because I was a dependent on his visa... hello, no employer would want to hire me in such circumstances!

Does he have Asperger's by any chance? Mine does, and it explains a lot.

[Anonymous]

When you say "we" want to move to a new state, does that mean you, or him? Because he sounds like a complete a$$hole, who also wants to divorce you. You should not move anywhere with him, nor should you take another bar exam because he wants to move (and there's no way to do that while working AND taking care of your kid).

[Anonymous]

OP here. He says he is giving me three years to maximize my earning potential, and we should divorce then. He is being understanding and supportive.

I am totally on the fence about divorcing. On one hand he is getting on my nerves. On the other hand I believe that parenting an elementary-school child is a family project and should not be left to me alone, also to cope with earnings losses due to unequal child care responsibilities. He absolutely cannot be counted on to care for the kid, as he does not plan to change his work schedule of 5 a.m. to 7 p.m.

We plan to move to an expensive state, and I could definitely not pay mortgage payments for a decent home even with a take-home pay of $12k.

[Anonymous]

You two are going to get divorced and you're surprised that your husband doesn't want to make life easy for you? I mean ... come on!

But also, your 8 yr old needs to entertain himself for more than a half hour at a time. I have an 8 yr old and she can go off doing things for 2-3 hours. I'll hear her moving around the house, and she'll come ask if she can go in the back yard or get a snack but otherwise can read, do homework, do art, play various things, etc. for 2 hours easy. Either you are micromanaging your son or you haven't built him up to handle himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you say "we" want to move to a new state, does that mean you, or him? Because he sounds like a complete a$$hole, who also wants to divorce you. You should not move anywhere with him, nor should you take another bar exam because he wants to move (and there's no way to do that while working AND taking care of your kid).

H and I both agree that we want to move to that another state. At the same time he also says that he wants to buy a condo there and live separately because we would argue too much. At the same time he wants us to own a house 50-50 even after the divorce, and our son and I would live there. I know that this might be a recipe for disaster, but, even though it was his idea, I like it, because it is my only chance to live in a decent home of my own with my child in that expensive state.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He says he is giving me three years to maximize my earning potential, and we should divorce then. He is being understanding and supportive.

I am totally on the fence about divorcing. On one hand he is getting on my nerves. On the other hand I believe that parenting an elementary-school child is a family project and should not be left to me alone, also to cope with earnings losses due to unequal child care responsibilities. He absolutely cannot be counted on to care for the kid, as he does not plan to change his work schedule of 5 a.m. to 7 p.m.

We plan to move to an expensive state, and I could definitely not pay mortgage payments for a decent home even with a take-home pay of $12k.

You mean he's pretending to be? Because you're being abused here, OP. You're the sole parent, work full-time, and you're preparing for an important exam.
You should consult a lawyer and divorce this sorry excuse of a husband and father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You two are going to get divorced and you're surprised that your husband doesn't want to make life easy for you? I mean ... come on!

But also, your 8 yr old needs to entertain himself for more than a half hour at a time. I have an 8 yr old and she can go off doing things for 2-3 hours. I'll hear her moving around the house, and she'll come ask if she can go in the back yard or get a snack but otherwise can read, do homework, do art, play various things, etc. for 2 hours easy. Either you are micromanaging your son or you haven't built him up to handle himself.

My son would love to entertain himself for many hours an end, with a cell phone and a computer, playing games and watching YouTube.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:H accuses me that I refuse to take the bar exam on purpose so that I can continue to live off him. He wants us to have "separate budgets" and eventually divorce. He says that he is only biding his time allowing me to earn less while I take the second bar exam, so that I can ramp up my earning afterwards, presumably so that he will not have to pay me alimony.

I stopped reading here. Sounds like you're getting divorced, sooner or later. You can stop listening to his accusations and start making whatever decisions will benefit you post-divorce. He's done with you, time for you to start caring what he thinks.

[Anonymous]

OP, if he tells you both of you are getting divorced in three years, believe him. Maximize whatever earning potential you want to have and stash away as much money as possible. He sounds awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow.

He sounds just as cruel and irrational as my husband, who accused me of not wanting to get my own employment-based visa after spending 15 year not being allowed to work because I was a dependent on his visa... hello, no employer would want to hire me in such circumstances!

Does he have Asperger's by any chance? Mine does, and it explains a lot.

OP here. PP, sorry that you have gone through such a mess. I hope things are better for you now.

No, my husband has not been diagnosed with any illness.

[Anonymous]

Your dh also sounds pretty insane to be planning divorce this long in the future and after you move? Might as well study for the bar on his dime then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You two are going to get divorced and you're surprised that your husband doesn't want to make life easy for you? I mean ... come on!

But also, your 8 yr old needs to entertain himself for more than a half hour at a time. I have an 8 yr old and she can go off doing things for 2-3 hours. I'll hear her moving around the house, and she'll come ask if she can go in the back yard or get a snack but otherwise can read, do homework, do art, play various things, etc. for 2 hours easy. Either you are micromanaging your son or you haven't built him up to handle himself.

My son would love to entertain himself for many hours an end, with a cell phone and a computer, playing games and watching YouTube.

In everything I described my DD doing, she would only be on a screen to read books on the Kindle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He says he is giving me three years to maximize my earning potential, and we should divorce then. He is being understanding and supportive.

I am totally on the fence about divorcing. On one hand he is getting on my nerves. On the other hand I believe that parenting an elementary-school child is a family project and should not be left to me alone, also to cope with earnings losses due to unequal child care responsibilities. He absolutely cannot be counted on to care for the kid, as he does not plan to change his work schedule of 5 a.m. to 7 p.m.

We plan to move to an expensive state, and I could definitely not pay mortgage payments for a decent home even with a take-home pay of $12k.

WTF?! No. This is not "understanding and supportive". This is him trying to have everything his way. Treat you like garbage, live separately with you taking on full custody responsibilities, and avoiding alimony. I'm not an attorney, but where I'd be leaning if I were you would be to file now and ask for full custody. You've had it for a year already anyway.