H accuses me of refusing to take the bar exam while solely caring for 8-year-old during pandemic

[Anonymous]

Why would you go through all this - study for the bar, move to an expensive state you can’t affird on your own, etc. - only to divorce when you’re there? You can stay here, continue to earn a decent living and you won’t have to study for the bar. You are doing backflips and twisting yourself into a pretzel fur a man who doesn’t give a F about you but has convinced you he’s being understanding and reasonable.

Don’t move. You’ll be stuck there.

[Anonymous]

Why are you still married to this man? He hates you. You're doing all of the parenting, and you have a career. He's contributing nothing but emotional abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are an attorney and have taken a bar exam I don’t know why you have to study so much. I’ve take. A couple of bar exams and didn’t even stop working full time for the first one.

Honestly I don’t see why you can’t do it. You shouldn’t have to sit with an eight year old for virtual school. And you certainly are t working many hours if you’re only billing $10-$15k a month.

Your marriage and life is a mess. But taking care of an 8 year old and working a few hours a week shouldn’t prevent you from preparing for a second bar exam.

OP here. PP, I'm happy for your that the bar exams were a breeze for you. I don't find it easy, also because I work in a very niche field where I do not get to use 95% of the things that are on the bar.

Yes, I work part-time as an attorney, but almost-full time as a teacher/tutor, basically.

Point is you choose to teach/tutor your 8 year old. It’s not necessary. Like I said, I think your marriage is a mess. But I also think if you were on board with this bar exam you would figure it out. Because your life is filled with ways to make time that you choose not to take.

Can you clarify why op should stop helping her son with DL in the middle of a pandemic, to take a bar exam to increase her earnings, so that her dh doesn’t have to pay as much to support her and her son in a divorce? What is your logic here?

That’s not my point. My point is that if she wanted to do it, she could. And she wouldn’t ha e to stop assisting with DL. She works probably 10 hours a week. Between that and six hours a day of DL, there’s a ton of time in her week. Lack of time is a weak excuse. She just needs to own it.

Frankly, I can think of many reasons OP would benefit from doing it. First, she’s not getting alimony and child support goes to age 18. She wants to move to an expensive area and she’s going to need a job which she can’t get without a license so she can’t move until she does it. What happens if her DH goes for custody and gets it and takes him to this expensive city and she can’t follow? Sounds like he can easily outspend her in a custody battle.

I think the PP who said she’s fighting the divorce because she wants to stay married is right. And I think it’s always a good idea to prepare yourself for what life is going to put on your plate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you go through all this - study for the bar, move to an expensive state you can’t affird on your own, etc. - only to divorce when you’re there? You can stay here, continue to earn a decent living and you won’t have to study for the bar. You are doing backflips and twisting yourself into a pretzel fur a man who doesn’t give a F about you but has convinced you he’s being understanding and reasonable.

Don’t move. You’ll be stuck there.

+1. You're divorcing anyway. Stay where you are now and skip the bar exam. And go see a family lawyer stat so you can prepare for divorce on your terms. Which should be soon. Sounds like your husband has no interest in you or his child, so he may not even fight you for custody. And he pays less alimony if you stay where you are in a less expensive area and mostly or entirely support yourself -- for which it sounds like you don't need another bar exam.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are an attorney and have taken a bar exam I don’t know why you have to study so much. I’ve take. A couple of bar exams and didn’t even stop working full time for the first one.

Honestly I don’t see why you can’t do it. You shouldn’t have to sit with an eight year old for virtual school. And you certainly are t working many hours if you’re only billing $10-$15k a month.

Your marriage and life is a mess. But taking care of an 8 year old and working a few hours a week shouldn’t prevent you from preparing for a second bar exam.

OP here. PP, I'm happy for your that the bar exams were a breeze for you. I don't find it easy, also because I work in a very niche field where I do not get to use 95% of the things that are on the bar.

Yes, I work part-time as an attorney, but almost-full time as a teacher/tutor, basically.

Point is you choose to teach/tutor your 8 year old. It’s not necessary. Like I said, I think your marriage is a mess. But I also think if you were on board with this bar exam you would figure it out. Because your life is filled with ways to make time that you choose not to take.

Can you clarify why op should stop helping her son with DL in the middle of a pandemic, to take a bar exam to increase her earnings, so that her dh doesn’t have to pay as much to support her and her son in a divorce? What is your logic here?

That’s not my point. My point is that if she wanted to do it, she could. And she wouldn’t ha e to stop assisting with DL. She works probably 10 hours a week. Between that and six hours a day of DL, there’s a ton of time in her week. Lack of time is a weak excuse. She just needs to own it.

Frankly, I can think of many reasons OP would benefit from doing it. First, she’s not getting alimony and child support goes to age 18. She wants to move to an expensive area and she’s going to need a job which she can’t get without a license so she can’t move until she does it. What happens if her DH goes for custody and gets it and takes him to this expensive city and she can’t follow? Sounds like he can easily outspend her in a custody battle.

I think the PP who said she’s fighting the divorce because she wants to stay married is right. And I think it’s always a good idea to prepare yourself for what life is going to put on your plate.

But why would she? She’s already a lawyer with a private practice. She’s solo parenting in the middle of a pandemic. She makes enough money to support herself and her child. Her dh wants her to earn more so he wouldn’t have to pay child support because he’s a high earner. Why on earth would she want to take that on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't afford a mortgage on take home of 12k per month? Sure you can.

You should be stashing a ton of money for yourself, at your current income. Prepare for divorce. It sounds like he is. Pay for childcare so you can study for the exam, if that is of importance right now.

$12K a month is my family's entire gross pay and we're not badly off. There's zero reason to have money problems (either needing a provider OR complaining about someone not putting their weight on that income.

OP here. Decent houses in the area where we would both like to live start at around $2m. So my $12k take-home pay (before taxes) will not go far. But I agree, I should not aspire to live in that expensive place.

Take my word for it - freedom in a condo > ahole spouse in a SFH.

You do not need a “nice house”. You need a nice family. It sounds like that can only happen if you ditch your spouse.

A $2 million dollar house is absurd. This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you say "we" want to move to a new state, does that mean you, or him? Because he sounds like a complete a$$hole, who also wants to divorce you. You should not move anywhere with him, nor should you take another bar exam because he wants to move (and there's no way to do that while working AND taking care of your kid).

H and I both agree that we want to move to that another state. At the same time he also says that he wants to buy a condo there and live separately because we would argue too much. At the same time he wants us to own a house 50-50 even after the divorce, and our son and I would live there. I know that this might be a recipe for disaster, but, even though it was his idea, I like it, because it is my only chance to live in a decent home of my own with my child in that expensive state.

Op this is crazy talk. He is controlling you with money and you are letting him. Divorce now. stay near family. Have him pay child support. He came up with this whole scheme after he talked to lawyers I bet. You need a good lawyer immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: No way this can be real? You are an attorney and aren’t looking out for your own financial interests? You live apart from your husband and he wants a divorce and you are fine waiting 3 years so you can earn more so he can screw your over? You are fine planning on living in a house after you divorce where he can come and go and owns 50% of it? Where do you want to live permanently? You need to move there with your son now or stay where you are if you like where you live and find for divorce and custody.

OP here. Sadly, this is my true story I would not want to go through with a divorce now. I could not stand the drama. Again, I could not afford a decent home on my own in that very expensive area.

You are already dealing with the drama, so why not divorce so that the drama has an expiration date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. All I can say is that I would never, ever want your life, OP. My husband and I work as a team. A long-lasting marriage isn't built on split finances, on intense score keeping, or the inability to share everything.

Go back and look at the way you set up this marriage. It doesn't sound like it works. "Your situation" should be his situation, too.

I’ve reported this post but to whoever wrote this: you are a horrible person who can’t read. I’m sure your awesome marriage is a product of your imagination.

[Anonymous]

Are you your child’s only companion right now, OP?
That sounds like an incredibly difficult situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. All I can say is that I would never, ever want your life, OP. My husband and I work as a team. A long-lasting marriage isn't built on split finances, on intense score keeping, or the inability to share everything.

Go back and look at the way you set up this marriage. It doesn't sound like it works. "Your situation" should be his situation, too.

I’ve reported this post but to whoever wrote this: you are a horrible person who can’t read. I’m sure your awesome marriage is a product of your imagination.

OP here. PP, I am not sure why you have reported the poster you quote. I do not consider the post offensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you go through all this - study for the bar, move to an expensive state you can’t affird on your own, etc. - only to divorce when you’re there? You can stay here, continue to earn a decent living and you won’t have to study for the bar. You are doing backflips and twisting yourself into a pretzel fur a man who doesn’t give a F about you but has convinced you he’s being understanding and reasonable.

Don’t move. You’ll be stuck there.

+1. You're divorcing anyway. Stay where you are now and skip the bar exam. And go see a family lawyer stat so you can prepare for divorce on your terms. Which should be soon. Sounds like your husband has no interest in you or his child, so he may not even fight you for custody. And he pays less alimony if you stay where you are in a less expensive area and mostly or entirely support yourself -- for which it sounds like you don't need another bar exam.

OP here. It is not only my husband, be me too who wants to move to that expensive place. Professionally I would have even more opportunities there than I do in the DC area where we live (apart from the short-term relocation during the pandemic).

I have a very specific niche practice. I have always had more inquiries from potential clients than I could handle. I would get tons of clients at the new place, too, so earning money at the new place would not be an issue.

To the other PPs, I will try to get son to work more independently for longer stretches of time. Later, when more people are vaccinated, I will get a (vaccinated) nanny, too.

Thanks for your suggestions.

[Anonymous]

You both sound crazy. He is planning a divorce and yet you are on the fence? Are you both on the spectrum?

[Anonymous]

He used you to be a surrogate for his child.

How about go to him and tell him you have decided you want to be a Stay at Home Mom at this time.

[Anonymous]

Judging by the amount of SELF love, and SELF centerless it looks like your hubby is a Narcissist on Autism Spectrum with serious Midas touch issues putting money first and like the concept of love never entered his blood pump organ.

You on the other hand also seem a bit cold when you talk about all this and while money is important the family seems to be somewhere far in the background.

Where is LOVE in your family? Who loves your child if anyone? I mean love, not just farm the kid.