H accuses me of refusing to take the bar exam while solely caring for 8-year-old during pandemic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you say "we" want to move to a new state, does that mean you, or him? Because he sounds like a complete a$$hole, who also wants to divorce you. You should not move anywhere with him, nor should you take another bar exam because he wants to move (and there's no way to do that while working AND taking care of your kid).

H and I both agree that we want to move to that another state. At the same time he also says that he wants to buy a condo there and live separately because we would argue too much. At the same time he wants us to own a house 50-50 even after the divorce, and our son and I would live there. I know that this might be a recipe for disaster, but, even though it was his idea, I like it, because it is my only chance to live in a decent home of my own with my child in that expensive state.

I'm still lost as to why you're still married. You admit he's a lousy parent and you both make enough money to have your own household separately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow.

He sounds just as cruel and irrational as my husband, who accused me of not wanting to get my own employment-based visa after spending 15 year not being allowed to work because I was a dependent on his visa... hello, no employer would want to hire me in such circumstances!

Does he have Asperger's by any chance? Mine does, and it explains a lot.

OP here. PP, sorry that you have gone through such a mess. I hope things are better for you now.

No, my husband has not been diagnosed with any illness.

Doesn't mean he isn't high-functioning autistic... they can appear to be calm, reasoned, and yet make the most outrageous and unfair suggestions because they have no empathy and can't put themselves in someone else's shoes.

[Anonymous]

This sounds nuts. And painful. In your position I would push for your almost-Ex to pay child support and child care for a year or whatever it would take for you to prepare for the bar under your current circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

But also, your 8 yr old needs to entertain himself for more than a half hour at a time. I have an 8 yr old and she can go off doing things for 2-3 hours. I'll hear her moving around the house, and she'll come ask if she can go in the back yard or get a snack but otherwise can read, do homework, do art, play various things, etc. for 2 hours easy. Either you are micromanaging your son or you haven't built him up to handle himself.

OP here. PP, thanks for the advice. It is admirable that your daughter does not ask for screen time but keeps herself occupied in other ways. You seem to be a great parent.

[Anonymous]

Hire help or send the kid to Dad for a while. You have plenty of income and the real issue is you are separated and planning to divorce. I don't see the issue was you have income so you will not get alimony. The situation sounds bizarre to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hire help or send the kid to Dad for a while. You have plenty of income and the real issue is you are separated and planning to divorce. I don't see the issue was you have income so you will not get alimony. The situation sounds bizarre to me.

OP here. PP, I would need to almost stop working completely to be able to prepare for the bar exam. But that is not the issue, as I have savings and could live off them during that time. My main problem is that my husband thinks that I do not want to take the second bar exam on purpose, even though I "have time" because I have the luxury of not working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hire help or send the kid to Dad for a while. You have plenty of income and the real issue is you are separated and planning to divorce. I don't see the issue was you have income so you will not get alimony. The situation sounds bizarre to me.

OP here. PP, I would need to almost stop working completely to be able to prepare for the bar exam. But that is not the issue, as I have savings and could live off them during that time. My main problem is that my husband thinks that I do not want to take the second bar exam on purpose, even though I "have time" because I have the luxury of not working.

OP here again. In other words, I feel hurt and underappreciated.

I just wanted to get impartial people's impression of whether I was being lazy/unreasonable or him lacking empathy.

PP, I am not sure what help to hire other than a couple of hours of online tutoring per day. I do not trust people coming into my home yet. Where we live only 5% of the population has been vaccinated.

[Anonymous]

Is this real life

[Anonymous]

No way this can be real? You are an attorney and aren’t looking out for your own financial interests? You live apart from your husband and he wants a divorce and you are fine waiting 3 years so you can earn more so he can screw your over? You are fine planning on living in a house after you divorce where he can come and go and owns 50% of it? Where do you want to live permanently? You need to move there with your son now or stay where you are if you like where you live and find for divorce and custody.

[Anonymous]

You’re an attorney OP. Zealously advocate for yourself like you would do for your clients. It sounds like:

1. This is not the time to move (unless you have a compelling support system already in place in that state?);

2. This is not the time to be studying for or taking a bar exam;

3. Continue earning money by serving your existing clients;

4. Help you son finish up the school year. Summer will be here soon;

5. Start divorce proceedings, based on him saying he wants to divorce you (do you have that in writing?). You’ve already been living apart for a year;

6. Once that is handled you can consider next steps like whether you’d really want to move, take another bar exam, etc.

Good luck OP. You sound great and your H comes across and completely taking you for granted. You got this and can do much better than this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: No way this can be real? You are an attorney and aren’t looking out for your own financial interests? You live apart from your husband and he wants a divorce and you are fine waiting 3 years so you can earn more so he can screw your over? You are fine planning on living in a house after you divorce where he can come and go and owns 50% of it? Where do you want to live permanently? You need to move there with your son now or stay where you are if you like where you live and find for divorce and custody.

OP here. Sadly, this is my true story I would not want to go through with a divorce now. I could not stand the drama. Again, I could not afford a decent home on my own in that very expensive area.

[Anonymous]

Op, is taking the bar the only way you can be licensed in the new state? There is no reciprocity? Do you have a job lined up in the new state? Are you sure you really want to move to such a high COL place? Do you think you can really rely on your dh to pay half of your housing expenses? I agree with the pp’s that you are effectively supporting your dc on your own now. Good luck op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re an attorney OP. Zealously advocate for yourself like you would do for your clients. It sounds like:

1. This is not the time to move (unless you have a compelling support system already in place in that state?);

2. This is not the time to be studying for or taking a bar exam;

3. Continue earning money by serving your existing clients;

4. Help you son finish up the school year. Summer will be here soon;

5. Start divorce proceedings, based on him saying he wants to divorce you (do you have that in writing?). You’ve already been living apart for a year;

6. Once that is handled you can consider next steps like whether you’d really want to move, take another bar exam, etc.

Good luck OP. You sound great and your H comes across and completely taking you for granted. You got this and can do much better than this.

Thanks much, PP. This is what I have been trying to get h to understand, but he wouldn't.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you just waive in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, is taking the bar the only way you can be licensed in the new state? There is no reciprocity? Do you have a job lined up in the new state? Are you sure you really want to move to such a high COL place? Do you think you can really rely on your dh to pay half of your housing expenses? I agree with the pp’s that you are effectively supporting your dc on your own now. Good luck op.

Thanks, PP. No reciprocity, unfortunately.
Yes, I think I can rely on him for half of the housing expenses. He has always been a reliable provider.