I overstepped. What now?
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Anonymous
ok Tell them that it isn't your wedding and that you overstepped in inviting people whom the couple does not want. Maybe don't say don't want but, that you are following their lead and they get to choose their guests, not you. Whom would you rather be mad at you? Your family and new DIL ( remember grandchildren?) or your friends |
Anonymous
| Yes, you offer to pay for part of the wedding if you are inviting people. My parents did that and it was really frustrating as the majority of the folks who came were their friends whom I didn't know and my husband and I each only had a few friends as we couldn't afford more. |
Anonymous
| This is likely not a future MIL posting, come on guys. We have that one pp constantly reversing roles, to get her MIL, or ILS ripped apart. |
Anonymous
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OP, is this your first time at the kid wedding rodeo? I guarantee you these people care waaaaaay less about this than you do. It was never going to be the happy eight-couple vacation of your dreams because they were never all going to attend. 2022 is going to be lousy with weddings and while these people no doubt care about your son, he is one of many children of their friends that they care about. They will not be offended or devastated. Adults understand.
It feels like you are playing Rules of Etiquette to get your son to accommodate your mistake. But if you were really following etiquette you would not have created this situation. So you do not get to play the Etiquette Card on your son. Got it? |
Anonymous
Why are you doing this? Faking you are a future MIL? |
Anonymous
| Op I would just talk to your son. Be honest, apologize, tell him you know it’s his event and your friends are not the priority but you are trying to figure out how best to handle this as it would leave two couples out of the group - I assume your son probably know these friends? If you are so close? Yes you need to be careful of this and yes it is his event and they might say it doesn’t work for them, but I personally think (and I’m a daughter in law not a mother in law at this point in my life) that weddings are about more than just tbe couple, they are about families and parents too. It’s ok to discuss and see if you can come up with a plan and if they have a reason this number is firm than you tell your friends that. You are family and you just need to talk openly |
Anonymous
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So, my in-laws did this to us. Honestly, I wasn't that bothered by the initial faux pas--like you, I think they were just excited and got a little exhuberant--but it did create a problem for us because we were running pretty close to the capacity for the venue. Anyhow, what they did next, which I definitely recommend you do NOT do, is to to decide how to handle it without consulting us. Before we could advise them how to proceed, they went back and told these people that they were actually not invited. If we had been asked, though, we would have much rather stretched the venue limits than have these family friends think they were unwelcome.
So, my advice, as a bride who has been there, is to apologize profusely to your son and his fiancee and ask them how they would like to handle it but put ZERO pressure on them and do whatever they ask you to do without a smile on your face and without pushing back at all. If it makes you feel any better, I have a great relationship with my in-laws and they are lovely people. You goofed, but this is completely fixable. |
Anonymous
You are a complete idiot. Didn't you learn ANYTHING from your first screwup? STOP BLABBING ABOUT THE FREAKING WEDDING. So don't go posting about it on Facebook! Good grief. |
Anonymous
Absolutely not. |
Anonymous
| I hate parent friends and neighbors at weddings. They leave first because they don’t care about the couple. |
Anonymous
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What am I missing? Do your friends honestly assume they're invited to the wedding simply bc you excitedly told them your son is finally engaged? Are your friends that presumptuous?
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Anonymous
Not true. We happily paid for three weddings in the 21st cnetury for three daughters. Didn't ask the SILs' parents to pay a dime and none offered. No big deal. Of course, they cooperated on the guest lists LOL. |
Anonymous
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I'll say that while OP was wrong, I totally get it. My ow MIL could have written this post 15 years ago. She did the same thing.
We limited the invite list to four couples per parent set. My MIL was upset, not upset like mad at us or made a big deal of it. But it was clear that in her head this was also a big day for her (which it was) and in her experience attending weddings of her friends' children, there were always many couples invited. She expected it because it was what she was used to. OP, no you can't offer to pay for more couples. Yes, you must choose which ones to invite. And yes it is a difficult situation you are in- regardless of whether you had wrongly "pre-invited" anyone. But I agree with others' suggestion- reframe this as being about your son and future DIL. Focus on what you can do to make it great for them. |
Anonymous
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Thank you all for your advice. I appreciate your help.
As to the person who accused me of making it up, I did not. I made a mistake and I want to make it right. |
Anonymous
Agreed. I explicitly told my mother one of the couples she wanted to invite was not welcome at the wedding. She was shocked and appalled, but just because she was willing to look past personal and political beliefs does not mean I am. If you give your son the list of families and ask for his input, one of two things will happen: 1) You will learn something about his opinion of your friends OR 2) On his own, he will say “We can’t leave anyone out! Invite them all, we will figure it out.” (At which point, offering to pay would be the kind and helpful thing to do). |