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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Thanks all. I have tried talking to him calmly and rationally when he’s sober. The issue is that he agrees he shouldn’t be stoned in front of the kids and continues to do it. [/quote]

That isn't the issue, you are missing the point.  The issue is why he feels the need to get high while around the family.  [/quote]

Right but that’s just it. When we talk about it he says he shouldn’t but does anyway. [/quote]

As the now ex spouse of a person with mental illness, I say you need to re-confront him again, empathetically.  Keep a journal for a few weeks, because he will try to gaslight you (no, I never got high in front of the kids).  You need to say to him that you are worried that he promised to keep his use within certain limits but he hasn’t been able to, that to you that means he is really unhappy or anxious all the time around even those who love him the most.  Ask him to share with you honestly about his worries and fears.  Ask him to get evaluated with a psychiatrist and therapist.  Be prepared with a psychiatry appointment that you’ve already made.  Give him a list of three therapists that you’ve already found are taking new patients.  Find out what is covered under your insurance and encourage him to get help.  It’s not so easy to find who’s in network and taking new patients, so you will have to do that leg work.

The point is that if he is getting high every day, the MJ isn’t working.  He could take medication and get an antidepressant effect without the disconnect from being high.  Also, he would continue to be able to drive and be rational in emergencies if he were on medication instead of MJ.  Despite what PPs say, there are a lot of benefits of meds over MJ.  Encourage him to talk to a psychiatrist and get educated about meds, and make the decision together with his doctor about whether/what to try.

Meanwhile, if he refuses (and even if he doesn’t), get your own therapist.  Your marriage has taken a significant turn and you need help dealing with it.  Despite all the vitriol you have received above, you are entitled to decide that you don’t want to live with someone who is stoned or drunk all the time, with all that entails about being unavailable in the relationship and for co-parenting.  You can’t make your DH stop using, but you are entitled to decide if you want to live like that and if you think it’s good for the kids to live like that.

My DH wasn’t smoking pot, but he was drinking to control the lack of sleep in the mania of bipolar depression.  While we were together, he would not stick with AA or take medicines regularly or be honest with his doc about what was going on. He wasn’t available emotionally to me. He wasn’t taking care of his health. And, he wasn’t available emotionally to the kids or to be an equal co-parent.  I was willing to be supportive and encouraging, but 2 years of that was enough.  We separated.  The kids were, of course, sad, but the are also made sad by the choices their dad has made that stem from untreated mental illness.  Meanwhile, they have some comfort from the fact that they have one home that is stable with a parent who listens and guides and provides a healthy example of how to be sober or drink responsibly and care for their own health.  15 years later, I am so glad I made the decision they did, because both kids were able to avoid drug and alcohol use and sought treatment willingly when they developed depression (unsurprising that they would develop mental health challenges as there is a long and strong family history of it).

I am not saying you must divorce OP, but neither do you have to listen to the PPs who are shaming you for your feelings about the marijuana use.  [/quote]

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