Husband sent private emails to a friend about our relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone should have at least one outsideperson they can confide in about their relationship. I can see why it would be hurtful to read. If you found these messages while snooping, you hurt yourself and further damaged your relationship. If you found them completely by accident, it's clear that you and your spouse are in a very adversarial place. I'd think seriously about whether you want to do the work to try and save the relationship. If you believe your spouse is lying to and manipulating the therapist, there may not be anything to save.

I totally agree it's ok to tell a friend what his problems are. To me it's overstepping to forward several email where I expressed my problems with the relationship and then not tell me about it.

Ohhhh he forwarded your emails to your friend? Yeah would tick me off. It’s forgivable but not without a big apology. That’s like him reading your journal.

No, I wrote my husband several emails about problems I had in our relationship and my husband forwarded his friend my emails without my consent.

That's a big NO. I would be ticked, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it all depends on what the nature is of the emails that were forwarded -- i.e., how private -- and how sensitive the information is that he was sharing. So no one can give good advice without that. But I would say that, absent something clearly out of bounds, you should let him have this outlet. Who cares if he is trying to advocate his side in therapy. Maybe he's in the right, but that is what the therapist is for -- to help you sort through everything. If the therapist isn't able to help you negotiate this, then you need to find a new one.

It was stuff about issues in our sex life for one. It's just not really appropriate to forward secretly to a friend IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't you confide in friends about various problems? He's doing the same.

Yes, but I don't forward personal emails from my spouse to another. And I don't disclose very personal information. I also don't use my friends in the same way. I sometimes use them as a listening board, but more often than not, they are just there to say "I'm sorry this is what you're going through" and just let me get something off my chest.

Maybe I am overreacting. It's the secrecy that bothers me the most. He never even disclosed he was talking to this friend about us.

He needs to disclose all his conversations he has with his friends? What's next, will you ask him to report what he dreamed about each night?

[Anonymous]

Did your therapist suggest sending emails like this? I can't imagine how I would react to dh just sending me a list of problems he had with our marriage. It doesn't sound very constructive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:a female friend?

No a male friend. But our issue is actually that he has had homosexual tendencies, so the male friend doesn't provide the same comfort that it would in another situation.

Why are you even trying? Just split up.

[Anonymous]

If he had told his friend what you said rather than forwarding the emails, would you be less upset? I’m having a hard time figuring out if the thing that’s upsetting you is that he forwarded your emails, or if you’re more generally upset that he confided in a friend without first telling you he was going to do so, and the emails are just an example of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it all depends on what the nature is of the emails that were forwarded -- i.e., how private -- and how sensitive the information is that he was sharing. So no one can give good advice without that. But I would say that, absent something clearly out of bounds, you should let him have this outlet. Who cares if he is trying to advocate his side in therapy. Maybe he's in the right, but that is what the therapist is for -- to help you sort through everything. If the therapist isn't able to help you negotiate this, then you need to find a new one.

It was stuff about issues in our sex life for one. It's just not really appropriate to forward secretly to a friend IMO.

Did he lie to you about it? The words you are using are odd - not transparent, secretly, etc. there is no duty to disclose discussion with your friends!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did your therapist suggest sending emails like this? I can't imagine how I would react to dh just sending me a list of problems he had with our marriage. It doesn't sound very constructive.

No, but in therapy which is once a week, we get through maybe one or two discussions about the past week. In any given week, we have at least 10 issues and then there are all the issues of the past to still resolve. Therapy isn't a magic cure and there is no way therapy alone for 45 minutes a week is going to solve all of our issues. I just didn't really want a friend seeing my private emails. I didn't mind him talking to a friend and even encouraged it. I just thought the forwarded was overstepping and also showing me that he didn't really have the capacity for discussion and that he was better at confiding in him than with me or with the therapist. The forwarded emails didn't even have his own commentary. It was like he was using my wording to speak for himself.

I get it. It's not a big deal for a guy to do. I'll get over it.

[Anonymous]

Did you cheat? Is this what he’s confusing about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it all depends on what the nature is of the emails that were forwarded -- i.e., how private -- and how sensitive the information is that he was sharing. So no one can give good advice without that. But I would say that, absent something clearly out of bounds, you should let him have this outlet. Who cares if he is trying to advocate his side in therapy. Maybe he's in the right, but that is what the therapist is for -- to help you sort through everything. If the therapist isn't able to help you negotiate this, then you need to find a new one.

It was stuff about issues in our sex life for one. It's just not really appropriate to forward secretly to a friend IMO.

Did he lie to you about it? The words you are using are odd - not transparent, secretly, etc. there is no duty to disclose discussion with your friends!

I asked him about his meeting with his friend and he mentioned other things they talked about but not that he talked about our marriage or that he sent emails. So he had the chance but avoided mentioning these things. To me that's not being transparent and being secret.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you cheat? Is this what he’s confusing about?

No, he did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you cheat? Is this what he’s confusing about?

*confiding

It’s hard to deal with that by yourself. Completely overwhelming and cheaters gaslight so it’s good to have a friend help sort out the truth and not let you be bamboozled in a way a therapist who doesn’t know both of you intimately can’t see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did your therapist suggest sending emails like this? I can't imagine how I would react to dh just sending me a list of problems he had with our marriage. It doesn't sound very constructive.

No, but in therapy which is once a week, we get through maybe one or two discussions about the past week. In any given week, we have at least 10 issues and then there are all the issues of the past to still resolve. Therapy isn't a magic cure and there is no way therapy alone for 45 minutes a week is going to solve all of our issues. I just didn't really want a friend seeing my private emails. I didn't mind him talking to a friend and even encouraged it. I just thought the forwarded was overstepping and also showing me that he didn't really have the capacity for discussion and that he was better at confiding in him than with me or with the therapist. The forwarded emails didn't even have his own commentary. It was like he was using my wording to speak for himself.

I get it. It's not a big deal for a guy to do. I'll get over it.

Oh don’t listen to these posters. It’s a big deal. Just because it’s might not be an ideal means of communication on your part doesn’t mean it’s okay for DH to forward them. And besides, if it’s not okay with you, it’s not okay. Maybe he didn’t know it wasn’t okay but it’s a totally reasonable expectation to send an personal email expecting it won’t be forwarded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did your therapist suggest sending emails like this? I can't imagine how I would react to dh just sending me a list of problems he had with our marriage. It doesn't sound very constructive.

No, but in therapy which is once a week, we get through maybe one or two discussions about the past week. In any given week, we have at least 10 issues and then there are all the issues of the past to still resolve. Therapy isn't a magic cure and there is no way therapy alone for 45 minutes a week is going to solve all of our issues. I just didn't really want a friend seeing my private emails. I didn't mind him talking to a friend and even encouraged it. I just thought the forwarded was overstepping and also showing me that he didn't really have the capacity for discussion and that he was better at confiding in him than with me or with the therapist. The forwarded emails didn't even have his own commentary. It was like he was using my wording to speak for himself.

I get it. It's not a big deal for a guy to do. I'll get over it.

You are contributing to this mess of a marriage. I get it, you're mad at DH. But either split up or try to actually work on it. Hint....sending an email with a list of all your grievances is not going to do anything positive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he had told his friend what you said rather than forwarding the emails, would you be less upset? I’m having a hard time figuring out if the thing that’s upsetting you is that he forwarded your emails, or if you’re more generally upset that he confided in a friend without first telling you he was going to do so, and the emails are just an example of that.

Yes, I would be less upset. I even expected it. It's the details and him using my emails without my permission and then not disclosing any of this that is upsetting me. Also the lack of responding to the emails to me either in person, by email, or with the therapist but instead just having some sidebar conversation with his friend like a form of gossip.