Husband sent private emails to a friend about our relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you cheat? Is this what he’s confusing about?

No, he did.

With a man?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you cheat? Is this what he’s confusing about?

*confiding

It’s hard to deal with that by yourself. Completely overwhelming and cheaters gaslight so it’s good to have a friend help sort out the truth and not let you be bamboozled in a way a therapist who doesn’t know both of you intimately can’t see.

Well I can see why it's hard for me to deal with this by myself, but even so I did not forward personal emails. Why should the cheater in this relationship get to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you cheat? Is this what he’s confusing about?

No, he did.

With a man?

yes.

[Anonymous]

I don't see the issue. Women do this all the time. Most people have someone to discuss relationship problems with that can help them. It's only a problem in my opinion if it's their mom (I don't think family members should be involved in a marriage). I think you're overreacting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see the issue. Women do this all the time. Most people have someone to discuss relationship problems with that can help them. It's only a problem in my opinion if it's their mom (I don't think family members should be involved in a marriage). I think you're overreacting.

Actually they don't. Or if they do, it's frowned upon. I would be eliminated from most friend groups if I disclosed so much personal information or forwarded a personal email from my DH. Most women can just talk about their personal feelings and events in their life from their own perspective. Men I guess cannot and need a woman's words to say what they feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:a female friend?

No a male friend. But our issue is actually that he has had homosexual tendencies, so the male friend doesn't provide the same comfort that it would in another situation.

Talk about burying the lede.

Girl, what does your therapist say? I think you need a divorce or at least open up the marriage so he can get some D.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s ok to forward personal emails.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:a female friend?

No a male friend. But our issue is actually that he has had homosexual tendencies, so the male friend doesn't provide the same comfort that it would in another situation.

Talk about burying the lede.

Girl, what does your therapist say? I think you need a divorce or at least open up the marriage so he can get some D.

I was trying to talk about the specific issue this week, not what led up to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see the issue. Women do this all the time. Most people have someone to discuss relationship problems with that can help them. It's only a problem in my opinion if it's their mom (I don't think family members should be involved in a marriage). I think you're overreacting.

Actually they don't. Or if they do, it's frowned upon. I would be eliminated from most friend groups if I disclosed so much personal information or forwarded a personal email from my DH. Most women can just talk about their personal feelings and events in their life from their own perspective. Men I guess cannot and need a woman's words to say what they feel.

OK well I've had several close friends go through a divorce and I definitely heard all the dirty laundry. I don't think less of either and just think people need to vent. That's what friends are for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see the issue. Women do this all the time. Most people have someone to discuss relationship problems with that can help them. It's only a problem in my opinion if it's their mom (I don't think family members should be involved in a marriage). I think you're overreacting.

Actually they don't. Or if they do, it's frowned upon. I would be eliminated from most friend groups if I disclosed so much personal information or forwarded a personal email from my DH. Most women can just talk about their personal feelings and events in their life from their own perspective. Men I guess cannot and need a woman's words to say what they feel.

OK well I've had several close friends go through a divorce and I definitely heard all the dirty laundry. I don't think less of either and just think people need to vent. That's what friends are for.

During therapy or once they decided on a divorce? I don't think it's helpful during therapy and I certainly don't think it's helpful to forward their spouse's personal thoughts to another. But that's just me. I can see now how others might think differently.

[Anonymous]

OP, is the male friend gay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you cheat? Is this what he’s confusing about?

No, he did.

With a man?

yes.

Why are you in counseling?

If my husband had sex with a man, it would be over.

Counseling can’t change his sexual orientation. Bi and/or gay male are a no go for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is the male friend gay?

No. The issue with it is that he's opening up to someone else other than me while at the same time telling me that therapy isn't really working for him and that I still have insecurities that he'd rather be with a guy so in a way is using this friend the way he wished he could act with another male in a close way. It's complicated I guess. I agree, I'm not in a good place and overreact to things that may not be issues. This is what cheating does to people. They have a hard time getting over it and start to feel insecure in things that may not be issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he had told his friend what you said rather than forwarding the emails, would you be less upset? I’m having a hard time figuring out if the thing that’s upsetting you is that he forwarded your emails, or if you’re more generally upset that he confided in a friend without first telling you he was going to do so, and the emails are just an example of that.

Yes, I would be less upset. I even expected it. It's the details and him using my emails without my permission and then not disclosing any of this that is upsetting me. Also the lack of responding to the emails to me either in person, by email, or with the therapist but instead just having some sidebar conversation with his friend like a form of gossip.

If we were friends sitting together chatting about this, I would have a lot more questions before offering up a theory. This medium isn’t as conducive to that kind of back and forth, so I’m going to throw out my gut reaction, which may or may not be right. It seems like what’s really going on here is that you don’t feel like he’s putting it real work in therapy to fix your marriage, that for all of the effort you’re putting in to opening up to him and trying to discuss things, he’s largely shutting down and not responding to you. Instead, he’s confiding in this friend in a way that fosters a kind of emotional (although not necessarily sexual) intimacy that’s lacking in your marriage, while making little to no effort to foster that kind of intimacy in your own marriage. Compounding this is that your husband has cheated on you with a man before, so you can’t dismiss this idea that his emotional intimacy with this friend isn’t part of (or won’t lead to) a sexual intimacy that further threatens your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you cheat? Is this what he’s confusing about?

No, he did.

With a man?

yes.

Why are you in counseling?

If my husband had sex with a man, it would be over.

Counseling can’t change his sexual orientation. Bi and/or gay male are a no go for me.

Well that's you. He says he's committed to me and working out the issues in our relationship. Says he doesn't want to break up the marriage. I've tried to believe him and work through the issues. Which now seem to include his good friend to a level that I don't feel comfortable with.