Parents of only children: what’s the best part? Biggest challenge?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A LOT of parents of multiple kids in this thread for parents of only children, talking about how bad it is to have an only child.

Y'all are telling on yourselves.

Yup.

My favorite part is the person who assumes we must be hiding something because we say we’re happy.

That’s not what she said. She said that all scenarios have their cons which is true.

No. She insisted there must be cons we aren’t admitting to because we’re being defensive. Defensive of what, I don’t know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parent of 14 year old only child here. We thought we wanted two and tried for a second one when DD was 3, but I was NOT excited to test and was glad it was a negative. That gave me a clue that maybe one child was the right number for us. While I am extroverted, DH is introverted and DD is a nice mix. She likes us and she likes her friends. Pros are that money is not an issue and my DH has been able to scale back from a job he really hated during COVID to help out with distance learning and cooking/cleaning. We will be able to fully fund college and we sent DD to a private school through 8th grade. Also, we have more time for each other, for exercise, for eating healthy, and for our own hobbies. I learned to play clarinet as an adult and joined a band which was fantastic until COVID hit. I'll be able to go back to it, I hope, soon. Our home is loving and calm, mostly conflict-free and we don't think anyone is missing from our family.

Challenges have been personal for me, I think. Mainly that I give DD too much and, while she is mostly better for it, I do worry that she may have more difficulty transitioning to adulthood. For example, it's not that hard to toss her laundry in with ours so we tend to just do that. Or just clear her plate with mine, vacuum her room with mine etc. We have forced her to do chores from time to time, but with Distance Learning, she actually hasn't had a lot of time. So sometimes I think it's ok we do these things and other times I worry she has too much done for her. Another example is that I sense she feels pressure to please me. I pay attention to her, which is both a wonderful thing and a terrible thing. One of the blessings of multiple children is that each child can fly under the radar here and there. DD can't do that. Just like most situations, the good parts are the same as the bad parts. More money means less stress and possibly less motivation. More attention means greater success and possibly anxiety.

I don't think there is any one right answer, but I do think that a loving, committed, attentive parent is required. I knew two kids would be too much for me. I'm the breadwinner so I wanted to know that I had enough for both parenting and working. For me, that meant one kid.

It's been wonderful saying yes to DD--music lessons, dance, sleep-away camp where she blossomed, trips, tutoring, etc. That's my favorite part. I love seeing how confident and happy she is in her own skin. I love that she can come to me when she is feeling bad and know I will lift her up. I am there for her all the time and she knows it and feels it. Is that occasionally bad? Possibly?

When I was uncertain, I gave myself about 6 months to push any thoughts of a second from my mind and just focus on DD. It gave me real clarity to realize at the end of that 6 months, I didn't want another child. I've wistfully thought "what if?" from time to time (I'm 46 now), but I never changed my mind. DD has said she enjoys being an only, but truthfully she is a happy child and would have been fine either way, which I knew. This was my and DH's decision.

I wish you peace in making your decision. There is not a wrong answer so long as you and your partner are on the same page.

A lot of this is parenting. Our only will take our plate or we take theirs. Not a big deal as we all help each other out.

[Anonymous]

We have one 8 yo.

Pros:

-I think the main one for me, as a parent with both ADHD and anxiety, is that there are just fewer moving parts for me to juggle or make decisions based on. One palate. One set of new clothes in ~one size. One teacher. One developmental stage at a time (I guess you get that with twins). One kid to take to one set of activities (okay, we don't do a lot of that). But you know what I mean. I have pretty bad executive dysfunction and I think I'm doing a B+ job of managing/parenting my kid, but only with all-out effort and tons of love on my part. And an outstanding partner!! But for me, I felt like I knew *my* limit. I get overwhelmed relatively easily unless I put in a ton of effort. I'm sure I'd adapt if I ended up with another, but I don't know how, or how pretty it would be.

-I did really shockingly (to me!) well with an infant and toddler and preschooler, but I did find those stages really really hard and find it much easier every year on average after about 3. Don't really have any desire to go, what feels to me, backwards. I think you're in the thick of it, OP. Pandemic or no, it will get easier IMO... at least for a while.

-I don't think of it as affording me luxuries (trips, private school-- she goes to public), as we're live <1 mile from DC ($$$) and probably below the DCUM average HHI ($100k). But I think... we'd have to scrimp and save a lot more if we had more than one kid. If one of us lost our job, we would be okay for at least a few months. So having just one kid it affords breathing room.

Cons:

-With my anxiety, in some ways it's problematic that I have all my eggs in the one kid basket, so to speak. Although I believe nature trumps nurture, I don't have past experience with another/different child to guide and temper my concerns-- I don't have that example right there telling me there's only so much I can do as a parent. I do know that intellectually, but that acceptance doesn't come as naturally. I don't think this is a net negative, because with two+ kids, I'd find almost twice+ to worry about, but it is a "con."

-My kid is quite extroverted and the pandemic has definitely been more challenging in some ways as she's gotten less socialization with other kids than most kids w/siblings. So there's a fair bit of pressure on me and DH to do *something* with her, even though, at her age, she's also quite able to entertain herself-- and of course we don't drop everything at her beck and call! But she does crave interaction. If she had a sibling, maybe they'd bicker all the time-- there's only so much of that you can control as a parent (see above). But more likely, given her personality, at least, I'd get at least a significant amount of additional time not to worry about her wanting to engage with me/DH. I think they'd spend a decent amount of time playing reasonably well together. Again, not sure this is a net negative, because I'd also have to handle challenging sibling dynamics/etc. even with a very good sibling dynamic. But I do think another kid would-- at certain ages-- provide me and DH a little more of a break.

Hope that helps, OP! I was an only until I was 10, and now reasonably close to my brother (same parents!) DH is one of four and not very close to his siblings at all. So you never know about future dynamics, and I think should not place bets on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parent of 14 year old only child here. We thought we wanted two and tried for a second one when DD was 3, but I was NOT excited to test and was glad it was a negative. That gave me a clue that maybe one child was the right number for us. While I am extroverted, DH is introverted and DD is a nice mix. She likes us and she likes her friends. Pros are that money is not an issue and my DH has been able to scale back from a job he really hated during COVID to help out with distance learning and cooking/cleaning. We will be able to fully fund college and we sent DD to a private school through 8th grade. Also, we have more time for each other, for exercise, for eating healthy, and for our own hobbies. I learned to play clarinet as an adult and joined a band which was fantastic until COVID hit. I'll be able to go back to it, I hope, soon. Our home is loving and calm, mostly conflict-free and we don't think anyone is missing from our family.

Challenges have been personal for me, I think. Mainly that I give DD too much and, while she is mostly better for it, I do worry that she may have more difficulty transitioning to adulthood. For example, it's not that hard to toss her laundry in with ours so we tend to just do that. Or just clear her plate with mine, vacuum her room with mine etc. We have forced her to do chores from time to time, but with Distance Learning, she actually hasn't had a lot of time. So sometimes I think it's ok we do these things and other times I worry she has too much done for her. Another example is that I sense she feels pressure to please me. I pay attention to her, which is both a wonderful thing and a terrible thing. One of the blessings of multiple children is that each child can fly under the radar here and there. DD can't do that. Just like most situations, the good parts are the same as the bad parts. More money means less stress and possibly less motivation. More attention means greater success and possibly anxiety.

I don't think there is any one right answer, but I do think that a loving, committed, attentive parent is required. I knew two kids would be too much for me. I'm the breadwinner so I wanted to know that I had enough for both parenting and working. For me, that meant one kid.

It's been wonderful saying yes to DD--music lessons, dance, sleep-away camp where she blossomed, trips, tutoring, etc. That's my favorite part. I love seeing how confident and happy she is in her own skin. I love that she can come to me when she is feeling bad and know I will lift her up. I am there for her all the time and she knows it and feels it. Is that occasionally bad? Possibly?

When I was uncertain, I gave myself about 6 months to push any thoughts of a second from my mind and just focus on DD. It gave me real clarity to realize at the end of that 6 months, I didn't want another child. I've wistfully thought "what if?" from time to time (I'm 46 now), but I never changed my mind. DD has said she enjoys being an only, but truthfully she is a happy child and would have been fine either way, which I knew. This was my and DH's decision.

I wish you peace in making your decision. There is not a wrong answer so long as you and your partner are on the same page.

A lot of this is parenting. Our only will take our plate or we take theirs. Not a big deal as we all help each other out.

Agree. One thing I notice and love with our only is that she treats us the way we treat her. So she's always been very kind and loving towards us. She'll clean things up for us (even if she doesn't do a perfect job -- she's only 6!) and if one of us is sick, she'll check in on us or bring us gifts or offer to rub our backs. It is the sweetest thing. I don't know if it will continue into the teenage years, but it's definitely something we want to cultivate. We love how mutually respectful and kind our family is.

I don't know if this is an only child thing, but I do sometimes appreciate that our relationships are very direct and not filtered through siblings. It feels very straightforward compared to my own family growing up.

[Anonymous]

That’s more of a girl thing

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm 15:54 and I wanted to add, re: siblings playing together and not having to engage an extroverted only as much... I think this shouldn't be a big factor for you. If you have a 4-year difference, you're not going to get this "break" (if you do get it) until the older is at least 6 or 7. By which time the older one would have become much better at self-entertaining had they remained an only child anyway. Does that make sense? It's not to say you might not still benefit from siblings playing together after that point, but the comparative marginal returns would be smaller.

[Anonymous]

I also have a three year old and am leaning towards being one and done. I was SURE I was done until the pandemic. Oddly, this is making me reconsider. I think part of it is DD’s age (it’s a cute age, and a bit easier most days than the younger ages were). But also I want to gather in my family close to me, and I could use a few more people in that family.

But the advantages of having just one child loom large. I worry I don’t have the patience to be a good mom to two kids. I think the noise of two kids would be too much for me. I don’t want to be pregnant or do the sleepless nights again. And I there’s the financial part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend has an only child. She may not notice it because this is her only frame of reference but her son is self centered and unable to deal with any compromise relating to his desires. I have 5 children that share, laugh, fight, compromise, apologize and are incredibly loyal to one another. When we are gone they will have each other’s backs and that is priceless.

1. You don’t know what your kids’ relationships will be like as adults. I hope they get along, but many, many people do not get along with their siblings as adults.

2. Kids can be self-centered in sibling situations just as easily as in one-kid situations. Don’t generalize.

Let me elaborate on number 1: Again, I hope it’s different in your case, but with the exception my sister and I—who have a decent relationship, but are hardly as close as we were as kids—no one in my extended family has close sibling relationships. My dad and his 3 sisters barely talk to one another. My mom hates her brother. My husband has a non-existent relationship with his brother. My FIL is not in contact with his siblings.

You can say that all of these people have problems, but more likely it’s just that many people aren’t close with their siblings as adults.

Yeah you can’t predict how close siblings will be. My younger brother is one of my best friends and confidants. I can’t imagine my life without him!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have an only myself, but friends with onlies are DESPERATE right now during COVID. (Obviously this won’t last forever though). They are the ones I know putting their kids in camps or other activities so their kids can have some socialization.

1. Camps and most activities are not very risky.

2. We are not DESPERATE. Please stop.

My friends with multiple kids are the desperate ones, they’re going crazy trapped in the house with whining fighting kids and trying to coordinate two distance-learning schedules at once. It’s been easy breezy for us, to the extent that I am embarrassed about how calm and happy our lockdown has been… when my friends talk about this stuff I am quiet about our experience and try to focus on being sympathetic for the theirs, because it sounds terrible.

I was wondering how long it would take until we got to this. No one is better off than anyone else. It's just different. Stop bashing people just because their circumstances are different than yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have an only myself, but friends with onlies are DESPERATE right now during COVID. (Obviously this won’t last forever though). They are the ones I know putting their kids in camps or other activities so their kids can have some socialization.

1. Camps and most activities are not very risky.

2. We are not DESPERATE. Please stop.

My friends with multiple kids are the desperate ones, they’re going crazy trapped in the house with whining fighting kids and trying to coordinate two distance-learning schedules at once. It’s been easy breezy for us, to the extent that I am embarrassed about how calm and happy our lockdown has been… when my friends talk about this stuff I am quiet about our experience and try to focus on being sympathetic for the theirs, because it sounds terrible.

I was wondering how long it would take until we got to this. No one is better off than anyone else. It's just different. Stop bashing people just because their circumstances are different than yours.

+1. It sounds like PP’s friends are poor. Not one of my wealthy friends have had issues. They have multiple kids but their kids go in person to private and they have nannies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend has an only child. She may not notice it because this is her only frame of reference but her son is self centered and unable to deal with any compromise relating to his desires. I have 5 children that share, laugh, fight, compromise, apologize and are incredibly loyal to one another. When we are gone they will have each other’s backs and that is priceless.

1. You don’t know what your kids’ relationships will be like as adults. I hope they get along, but many, many people do not get along with their siblings as adults.

2. Kids can be self-centered in sibling situations just as easily as in one-kid situations. Don’t generalize.

Let me elaborate on number 1: Again, I hope it’s different in your case, but with the exception my sister and I—who have a decent relationship, but are hardly as close as we were as kids—no one in my extended family has close sibling relationships. My dad and his 3 sisters barely talk to one another. My mom hates her brother. My husband has a non-existent relationship with his brother. My FIL is not in contact with his siblings.

You can say that all of these people have problems, but more likely it’s just that many people aren’t close with their siblings as adults.

Yeah you can’t predict how close siblings will be. My younger brother is one of my best friends and confidants. I can’t imagine my life without him!

I only speak to my sibling a few times a year when she calls. My parents take great pride is pitting us against each other and she gets a lot of gain from it.

My MIL had 4 siblings. They are close, treated her horribly and refused to help out at all when she got sick and had the nerve to dictate her funeral but not come or contribute a dime. They really believed they had a right to an opinion when they wouldn't help for 6 years while she was ill and never visited or called to see how she was.

[Anonymous]

I have an only. I love that I don’t have to divide my attention between kids. It difficult often being her sole companion.

I have a close sibling, I often wish she did too. Siblings are often co-keepers of the family memories. I wish she had someone to crack jokes about their crazy mom and pop and plot with.

[Anonymous]

Pros- everything that was said above

Cons-(and I am digging deep here) when we vacation I feel like it is more fun if we need to do it with someone, like cousins.

Overall love our only life.

[Anonymous]

The greatest gift you can give your child is a sibling.

[Anonymous]

Best-there is only one (she has a number of special needs) and parenting is exhausting.
Worst-I feel sad that she does not have siblings and that kind of connection.