Parents of only children: what’s the best part? Biggest challenge?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend has an only child. She may not notice it because this is her only frame of reference but her son is self centered and unable to deal with any compromise relating to his desires. I have 5 children that share, laugh, fight, compromise, apologize and are incredibly loyal to one another. When we are gone they will have each other’s backs and that is priceless.

1. You don’t know what your kids’ relationships will be like as adults. I hope they get along, but many, many people do not get along with their siblings as adults.

2. Kids can be self-centered in sibling situations just as easily as in one-kid situations. Don’t generalize.

This. We have many friends with multiple kids. Some of their kids are great, some are not. We know one family in particular with three kids, and their oldest is a spoiled brat. We had them over for a party last year and he walked up to me and told me our party wasn't fun for him because we didn't have any of the cool stuff his friend's families have (he goes to a private and many of his friends are from very wealthy families). And he's 9, so well past the age where that kind of behavior is more acceptable because kids need to learn basic manners.

The truth is, most of the "pitfalls" of only children can be addressed by thoughtful parenting, just as the same is true with multiple kids. If you don't set limits for kids, they don't learn to accept them. If you don't reinforce manners and kindness and empathy, they don't develop them. Siblings are not some magic bullet that will solve parenting for you. You still have to... be a parent.

[Anonymous]

Mom of an only 8 year old boy. I feel like we won the lottery with the son we got - his personality meshes with ours really well, and we have a ton of fun together as a threesome. Agree with the folks up-thread who are kind of embarrassed about how easy quarantine has been for them. We've had some lows, but overall it's been incredible cozy family time that we'll have fond memories of for the rest of our lives.

Sometimes I'm a little sad about not having another child, but I had a very difficult family growing up and aren't close to either of my siblings. I was always the odd one out of a very competitive and achievement-oriented sibling dynamic. Our calm and supportive little family now makes me so happy.

Socialization-wise, my son has been in the same school, neighborhood and church since he was three. We have a close group of three families that all had kids around the same time, and we have seen them all once or twice a month since he was born. He does Scouts and a lot of play dates and his best friend lives next door. I can't say if he's spoiled but husband and I are both teachers and don't earn much by DC standards. We camp and hike for vacations, and buy most things second hand. He does chores and there are certainly things that he wants that he doesn't have (nintendo switch, lol).

Anyway. It's a good life, OP.

[Anonymous]

Yeah but it’s feeling like you won the lottery is what makes them all grow up into self centered jerks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom of an only 8 year old boy. I feel like we won the lottery with the son we got - his personality meshes with ours really well, and we have a ton of fun together as a threesome. Agree with the folks up-thread who are kind of embarrassed about how easy quarantine has been for them. We've had some lows, but overall it's been incredible cozy family time that we'll have fond memories of for the rest of our lives.

Sometimes I'm a little sad about not having another child, but I had a very difficult family growing up and aren't close to either of my siblings. I was always the odd one out of a very competitive and achievement-oriented sibling dynamic. Our calm and supportive little family now makes me so happy.

Socialization-wise, my son has been in the same school, neighborhood and church since he was three. We have a close group of three families that all had kids around the same time, and we have seen them all once or twice a month since he was born. He does Scouts and a lot of play dates and his best friend lives next door. I can't say if he's spoiled but husband and I are both teachers and don't earn much by DC standards. We camp and hike for vacations, and buy most things second hand. He does chores and there are certainly things that he wants that he doesn't have (nintendo switch, lol).

Anyway. It's a good life, OP.

OP here. Thank you for this! This is basically what I envision for ourselves as well, and was our plan when we had our daughter. My husband and I are both from bigger families but similarly are not close to our siblings.

I do think some of my debating right now is stemming from the pandemic. Three is a hard age for quarantine, we've learned. It's hitting right at the time when she should/would be starting to get real socialization at PK, and it's also more intense for us being home with her because she still needs a lot of close supervision. I'm obviously not going to have another kid to solve the challenges of the pandemic (I don't think an infant would make our current situation easier, that's for sure). But it has triggered some of my fears about us not being "enough" for our kid.

Your story allays some of those fears though. I'd love if our family follows the same path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah but it’s feeling like you won the lottery is what makes them all grow up into self centered jerks.

I think this is exactly wrong.

My child knows that we feel like we won the lottery with her. As a result, she is confident that she is loved and has a purpose and place in the world. That makes her less self-centered, not more.

I grew up in a big family and spent a lot of years as an adult addressing my super low self-esteem and insecurity, which definitely stemmed from feeling unsure of my family's love for me as a child and never feeling like I belonged anywhere. I wouldn't call myself a "self-centered jerk", but I do think my worst qualities as an adult stemmed not from feeling loved and appreciated by my parents but the opposite.

You don't spoil a child by loving her. But you can traumatize a child by nelecting her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah but it’s feeling like you won the lottery is what makes them all grow up into self centered jerks.

All of them? Is that a fact?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah but it’s feeling like you won the lottery is what makes them all grow up into self centered jerks.

In my experience, only children are actually very generous and good at sharing, because they are confident that they have or will get enough. They don’t have to fight for resources at their home. My kid has given away so many toys because the other kid just wanted it — and it’s hard to chastise him for that! Although I did teach him that he should check with me before offering and the other kid should check with a parent before accepting.

[Anonymous]

Makes it easier to come up with a dinner everyone likes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have an only myself, but friends with onlies are DESPERATE right now during COVID. (Obviously this won’t last forever though). They are the ones I know putting their kids in camps or other activities so their kids can have some socialization.

1. Camps and most activities are not very risky.

2. We are not DESPERATE. Please stop.

My friends with multiple kids are the desperate ones, they’re going crazy trapped in the house with whining fighting kids and trying to coordinate two distance-learning schedules at once. It’s been easy breezy for us, to the extent that I am embarrassed about how calm and happy our lockdown has been… when my friends talk about this stuff I am quiet about our experience and try to focus on being sympathetic for the theirs, because it sounds terrible.

Same here. My kid’s preschool has been open the entire time, so she’s been going there. DH was working from home before this started, so no change for him. I’m on an every other week schedule, so it’s basically part-time work with full time pay. I’m also embarrassed by how easy this has been for us.

Oh I am so glad to hear other people feel a little guilty about how easy parenting an only child during the pandemic has been, too. When I talk to friends with 2-3 kids I just nod, too. Our Covid time at home has been wonderful with only one child. Plus we do have the anxiety of some people on this board, so we still have regular play dates, sports etc.

[Anonymous]

Time, money, child being our main priority and not having to share time or resources, being able to fully pay for college and graduate school.

[Anonymous]

Not OP, but someone who will have an only due to medical reasons and is torn on how I feel about it. This thread is making me happy! I like hearing from all the happy families of three!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Makes it easier to come up with a dinner everyone likes!

Not in our house, I still make 2-3 meals but usually a combination to please everyone (including my being picky).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A LOT of parents of multiple kids in this thread for parents of only children, talking about how bad it is to have an only child.

Y'all are telling on yourselves.

Yup.

My favorite part is the person who assumes we must be hiding something because we say we’re happy.

That’s not what she said. She said that all scenarios have their cons which is true.

[Anonymous]

Parent of 14 year old only child here. We thought we wanted two and tried for a second one when DD was 3, but I was NOT excited to test and was glad it was a negative. That gave me a clue that maybe one child was the right number for us. While I am extroverted, DH is introverted and DD is a nice mix. She likes us and she likes her friends. Pros are that money is not an issue and my DH has been able to scale back from a job he really hated during COVID to help out with distance learning and cooking/cleaning. We will be able to fully fund college and we sent DD to a private school through 8th grade. Also, we have more time for each other, for exercise, for eating healthy, and for our own hobbies. I learned to play clarinet as an adult and joined a band which was fantastic until COVID hit. I'll be able to go back to it, I hope, soon. Our home is loving and calm, mostly conflict-free and we don't think anyone is missing from our family.

Challenges have been personal for me, I think. Mainly that I give DD too much and, while she is mostly better for it, I do worry that she may have more difficulty transitioning to adulthood. For example, it's not that hard to toss her laundry in with ours so we tend to just do that. Or just clear her plate with mine, vacuum her room with mine etc. We have forced her to do chores from time to time, but with Distance Learning, she actually hasn't had a lot of time. So sometimes I think it's ok we do these things and other times I worry she has too much done for her. Another example is that I sense she feels pressure to please me. I pay attention to her, which is both a wonderful thing and a terrible thing. One of the blessings of multiple children is that each child can fly under the radar here and there. DD can't do that. Just like most situations, the good parts are the same as the bad parts. More money means less stress and possibly less motivation. More attention means greater success and possibly anxiety.

I don't think there is any one right answer, but I do think that a loving, committed, attentive parent is required. I knew two kids would be too much for me. I'm the breadwinner so I wanted to know that I had enough for both parenting and working. For me, that meant one kid.

It's been wonderful saying yes to DD--music lessons, dance, sleep-away camp where she blossomed, trips, tutoring, etc. That's my favorite part. I love seeing how confident and happy she is in her own skin. I love that she can come to me when she is feeling bad and know I will lift her up. I am there for her all the time and she knows it and feels it. Is that occasionally bad? Possibly?

When I was uncertain, I gave myself about 6 months to push any thoughts of a second from my mind and just focus on DD. It gave me real clarity to realize at the end of that 6 months, I didn't want another child. I've wistfully thought "what if?" from time to time (I'm 46 now), but I never changed my mind. DD has said she enjoys being an only, but truthfully she is a happy child and would have been fine either way, which I knew. This was my and DH's decision.

I wish you peace in making your decision. There is not a wrong answer so long as you and your partner are on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah but it’s feeling like you won the lottery is what makes them all grow up into self centered jerks.

Actually usually that is with multiples who have to fend for themselves and didn't get any nurturing or support.