Parents of only children: what’s the best part? Biggest challenge?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah but it’s feeling like you won the lottery is what makes them all grow up into self centered jerks.

In my experience, only children are actually very generous and good at sharing, because they are confident that they have or will get enough. They don’t have to fight for resources at their home. My kid has given away so many toys because the other kid just wanted it — and it’s hard to chastise him for that! Although I did teach him that he should check with me before offering and the other kid should check with a parent before accepting.

My only 14YO is the same way. She often buys things for her friends when they are out and doesn't ever think about asking them to pay her back. She's been very excited to get her first job because she wants to be independent as soon as she can (she doesn't like spending our money, only hers.) She used to constantly give things away when she was younger. And she is still a sweet kid who will cuddle with mom when I ask (and sometimes request a hug out of the blue.)

I wanted two kids for a long time, but DH just wanted one. He and his sister are close in age, and it was always a competition (and still is to some extent). My brother and I are farther apart and get along well. DH just wasn't on board, so I adjusted my expectations and we are very happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend has an only child. She may not notice it because this is her only frame of reference but her son is self centered and unable to deal with any compromise relating to his desires. I have 5 children that share, laugh, fight, compromise, apologize and are incredibly loyal to one another. When we are gone they will have each other’s backs and that is priceless.

1. You don’t know what your kids’ relationships will be like as adults. I hope they get along, but many, many people do not get along with their siblings as adults.

2. Kids can be self-centered in sibling situations just as easily as in one-kid situations. Don’t generalize.

This. We have many friends with multiple kids. Some of their kids are great, some are not. We know one family in particular with three kids, and their oldest is a spoiled brat. We had them over for a party last year and he walked up to me and told me our party wasn't fun for him because we didn't have any of the cool stuff his friend's families have (he goes to a private and many of his friends are from very wealthy families). And he's 9, so well past the age where that kind of behavior is more acceptable because kids need to learn basic manners.

The truth is, most of the "pitfalls" of only children can be addressed by thoughtful parenting, just as the same is true with multiple kids. If you don't set limits for kids, they don't learn to accept them. If you don't reinforce manners and kindness and empathy, they don't develop them. Siblings are not some magic bullet that will solve parenting for you. You still have to... be a parent.

+1,000

My SIL has four kids and some of them are spoiled brats and completely self-centered. All of them would have been better off as only children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah but it’s feeling like you won the lottery is what makes them all grow up into self centered jerks.

In my experience, only children are actually very generous and good at sharing, because they are confident that they have or will get enough. They don’t have to fight for resources at their home. My kid has given away so many toys because the other kid just wanted it — and it’s hard to chastise him for that! Although I did teach him that he should check with me before offering and the other kid should check with a parent before accepting.

Or attention. Our nephew, who is one of four, was so jealous of our daughter that he would take toys from her, pinch her to make her cry, and otherwise make sure that he was the center of attention at all times.

[Anonymous]

All our free time! Bliss!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend has an only child. She may not notice it because this is her only frame of reference but her son is self centered and unable to deal with any compromise relating to his desires. I have 5 children that share, laugh, fight, compromise, apologize and are incredibly loyal to one another. When we are gone they will have each other’s backs and that is priceless.

HA! I spit my water out with that one. You have no idea what your kids' relationship will be when you're dead, and you'll never know, since you'll be dead. This is such a dumb thing to say.

Also, way to truck in the "only children are self-centered and selfish" stereotype. My only child is incredibly generous -- paying attention to what her friends are interested in, constantly thinking about what gifts her friends would like, always willing to share, and very good at working out compromises with her friends. She's flexible and adaptable, and gets along with almost everyone. Only kids have a pretty strong incentive to get along with others, because your parents can make your siblings include you and play with you, but they can't make other kids do that.

And there are plenty of people who had siblings, who are self-centered and unable to compromise. My SIL has siblings, and she's a nightmare of self-centeredness and selfishness. Siblings don't make you selfless, and being an only child doesn't make you selfish. If anything, I'd say that personality and parenting have more to do with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The greatest gift you can give your child is a sibling.

The dumbest thing you can ever say is this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Best-there is only one (she has a number of special needs) and parenting is exhausting.
Worst-I feel sad that she does not have siblings and that kind of connection.

PP again, and there is no guarantee that siblings will be close or even like each other or have anything in common.

This is so true, PP. Please don't feel bad that your kid doesn't have a sibling connection. It's worse to have siblings and not have a connection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don't think "how your children are handling Covid" is the right metric for whether or not to have more kids. Families of all stripes are struggling right now, and factors like where you live and how much disposable income you have are as likely, if not more, to impact how easy or hard it is as the number of children.

I love having an only. I sometimes get baby fever, especially when I'm hormonal or when I see photos of a good friend's new baby. But for me, one kid is the perfect balance. Our family feels complete.

The pros for me are: having more money, being able to stay in the home we love instead of moving for space, having fewer variables when making family decisions, being pretty "portable" as a family, and always being to give each other a break.

It's hard to list drawbacks in the same way. I think the biggest challenge is that when you only have one, you are always a first-timer. That means you make mistakes, but it also means you never really get to feel like an authority as a parent. I've noticed people gain confidence with each subsequent child, and there must be something kind of nice about being BTDT and getting to learn from your mistakes. With an only, you never really get that. Sometimes other people also dismiss your parenting experience, too ("you only have one"). But honestly, that's really not enough to outweigh the benefits. In a way, I like it because it keeps me from making "mother" my core identity. It's a huge part of who I am, but it's not everything and I like that my daughter sees that, too.

If it makes you feel better PP, I have twins so they're both subject to all of my mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The greatest gift you can give your child is a sibling.

The dumbest thing you can ever say is this.

They should have had my sibling growing up. Mean, cold and selfish. That would change their mind.

[Anonymous]

The pros are really all our time energy and money goes to one child. That doesn't necessarily make your child spoiled but it means they can take advantage of every opportunity you can/want to offer. We travel extensively, don't worry about how expensive a particular camp is, have much less conflicts when it comes to picking extra-curricular activities, will have college fully funded and we're considering switching to private schools which won't dramatically change our lifestyle. Right now we are managing much better than other friends because we're only dealing with one distance learning schedule and two work from home parents. The challenge is getting social interactions. We work to foster DD's friendships and we're lucky to have good neighborhood friends so there are always kids around to play with. I do occasionally feel left out with some of my friends because we don't have 2 kids and sometimes we get left out because our friends are looking for playmates for their other child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend has an only child. She may not notice it because this is her only frame of reference but her son is self centered and unable to deal with any compromise relating to his desires. I have 5 children that share, laugh, fight, compromise, apologize and are incredibly loyal to one another. When we are gone they will have each other’s backs and that is priceless.

HA! I spit my water out with that one. You have no idea what your kids' relationship will be when you're dead, and you'll never know, since you'll be dead. This is such a dumb thing to say.

Also, way to truck in the "only children are self-centered and selfish" stereotype. My only child is incredibly generous -- paying attention to what her friends are interested in, constantly thinking about what gifts her friends would like, always willing to share, and very good at working out compromises with her friends. She's flexible and adaptable, and gets along with almost everyone. Only kids have a pretty strong incentive to get along with others, because your parents can make your siblings include you and play with you, but they can't make other kids do that.

And there are plenty of people who had siblings, who are self-centered and unable to compromise. My SIL has siblings, and she's a nightmare of self-centeredness and selfishness. Siblings don't make you selfless, and being an only child doesn't make you selfish. If anything, I'd say that personality and parenting have more to do with it.

+1, My only is happy to share and doesn't get jealous if I do something for another kid as their needs are met and they don't have to worry about someone else taking or stealing there stuff as there eise is no jealousy or competition.

[Anonymous]

The biggest con is that my only asks for/about a sibling on a regular basis. He is 6, and this has been going on since about age 3. It makes me sad, and makes me question our decision.

The pros are more time, energy and money. I do not have the patience to handle another child. My only is pretty demanding, and that's all I can handle.

It is more work to entertain them. I was a friends house recently and marveled at how her two kept each other entertained while the grown ups talked. Mine would never have been satisfied in that situation and would have been demanding to be in the center of the conversation.

A big pro during COVID is the ability to afford or at least consider affording private school. Not something I thought we would ever need or want, but here we are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for responses so far! I am so glad to hear these positive experiences. One thing I do worry about a little is the fact that DH and I are not super social (I’m an introvert, he’s a lazy extrovert in his words). Our DD is also on the shy side— very outgoing at home but extremely shy around others.

Any experience with socializing an only when the parents aren’t that outgoing? We always assumed we’d be one and done but now I worry we are setting DD up for a lonely existence.

Didn't read the whole thread, but wanted to respond to this.

If your child is 3, you only have a few more years where you need to coordinate everything, that is if you're lucky to live in a neighborhood with kids. At around 6 years old, they can go play with certain neighbors by themselves. At around 8 years old, their radius gets a bit bigger, and then as a tween they can coordinate playdates themselves.

It is good to make an effort for the next few years, though, just because it's really useful to have other parent friends in _your_ life, not just your kids. Now with covid I'm wishing I put in more time on this front.

[Anonymous]

I have a 13 year old, and it has been perfect. We have balance in our lives, and decisions can be made without thought of competition. Then again, maybe a different kid would have been harder as an only.

[Anonymous]

I read once that people's happiness with kids vs. no kids was based on what they wanted. If they didn't have kids but wanted them, they were overall unhappier. If they didn't want kids but had them accidentally, they were unhappier. The happiest people were those who ended up with what they wanted. I have to imagine the same is true with one kid vs. multiple kids. So, a lot of this is not about what you got but what you wanted, I think. Which is why you don't hear tons of regret or complaining about circumstances on either side. Plus once you have a second, third, whatever kid they are a PERSON and what is the likelihood you'd ever see them as just a number again? These arguments are useless.

We are one and done by circumstance so I am somewhat wistful about not having the larger, louder, busier family life that I grew up with with a sibling. I feel a little sad that my DD will not have a person to share that experience of her family life with, and have a potential close relationship with (not guaranteed but my sister and I are close and it's a treasured relationship). Also, I'm sad DD will not have help managing our aging and our end-of-life (we will do everything we can but emotionally and practically some will likely fall on DD alone). But, I try to look at that as things we need to be purposeful about in raising her -- support close peer relationships, spend a lot of time with extended family, and get our sh*t together on our finances and wills, etc.

This thread, and talking to friends with onlies, has made me feel a lot better about the life we have ahead with our only, so thank you to (almost) everyone.