Parents of only children: what’s the best part? Biggest challenge?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have an only myself, but friends with onlies are DESPERATE right now during COVID. (Obviously this won’t last forever though). They are the ones I know putting their kids in camps or other activities so their kids can have some socialization.

I have an only child and we are very far from desperate! Oddly enough, my kid seems to be handling Covid better than most of his friends -- all of whom have siblings. Our area did not reopen schools, so we're still DL. He has maybe one in-person, masked, outdoor play date each week and Facetimes and/or games with friends every day. Gets lots of exercise every day, etc.

I know all of his friends' parents and they report things like their kid seeming depressed, "regressing" and having "meltdowns", doing poorly in school, and so on and so on. We've seen none of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have an only myself, but friends with onlies are DESPERATE right now during COVID. (Obviously this won’t last forever though). They are the ones I know putting their kids in camps or other activities so their kids can have some socialization.

Seems weird that kids with, say, one sibling wouldn’t be involved in activities too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have an only myself, but friends with onlies are DESPERATE right now during COVID. (Obviously this won’t last forever though). They are the ones I know putting their kids in camps or other activities so their kids can have some socialization.

I have an only child and we are very far from desperate! Oddly enough, my kid seems to be handling Covid better than most of his friends -- all of whom have siblings. Our area did not reopen schools, so we're still DL. He has maybe one in-person, masked, outdoor play date each week and Facetimes and/or games with friends every day. Gets lots of exercise every day, etc.

I know all of his friends' parents and they report things like their kid seeming depressed, "regressing" and having "meltdowns", doing poorly in school, and so on and so on. We've seen none of that.

That’s probably more his disposition. Our only is wrecked.

[Anonymous]

I really don't think "how your children are handling Covid" is the right metric for whether or not to have more kids. Families of all stripes are struggling right now, and factors like where you live and how much disposable income you have are as likely, if not more, to impact how easy or hard it is as the number of children.

I love having an only. I sometimes get baby fever, especially when I'm hormonal or when I see photos of a good friend's new baby. But for me, one kid is the perfect balance. Our family feels complete.

The pros for me are: having more money, being able to stay in the home we love instead of moving for space, having fewer variables when making family decisions, being pretty "portable" as a family, and always being to give each other a break.

It's hard to list drawbacks in the same way. I think the biggest challenge is that when you only have one, you are always a first-timer. That means you make mistakes, but it also means you never really get to feel like an authority as a parent. I've noticed people gain confidence with each subsequent child, and there must be something kind of nice about being BTDT and getting to learn from your mistakes. With an only, you never really get that. Sometimes other people also dismiss your parenting experience, too ("you only have one"). But honestly, that's really not enough to outweigh the benefits. In a way, I like it because it keeps me from making "mother" my core identity. It's a huge part of who I am, but it's not everything and I like that my daughter sees that, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have an only myself, but friends with onlies are DESPERATE right now during COVID. (Obviously this won’t last forever though). They are the ones I know putting their kids in camps or other activities so their kids can have some socialization.

Seems weird that kids with, say, one sibling wouldn’t be involved in activities too.

Very weird. My only is perfectly fine. And, we aren't socializing out with friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have an only myself, but friends with onlies are DESPERATE right now during COVID. (Obviously this won’t last forever though). They are the ones I know putting their kids in camps or other activities so their kids can have some socialization.

I have an only child and we are very far from desperate! Oddly enough, my kid seems to be handling Covid better than most of his friends -- all of whom have siblings. Our area did not reopen schools, so we're still DL. He has maybe one in-person, masked, outdoor play date each week and Facetimes and/or games with friends every day. Gets lots of exercise every day, etc.

I know all of his friends' parents and they report things like their kid seeming depressed, "regressing" and having "meltdowns", doing poorly in school, and so on and so on. We've seen none of that.

We haven't either but we are used to spending time as a family and never did babysitters or anything so DL was no big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you imagine what it would be like being the second kid who was born because your first kid wanted a playmate?

The analogy with getting married is fundamentally flawed. A marriage is centered on a relationship between the two parties. The siblings here have made no commitment to each other, didn’t choose each other, and may or may not be even vaguely compatible.

A second kid is not a toy for the first kid. A second child should be born only because the parents want to parent two children.

My parents always said I was an accident. I think I can imagine. My parents should have stopped at one.

I’m sorry — how hurtful. They should’ve taken that fact to their graves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The greatest gift you can give your child is a sibling.

The greatest gift you can give your child is a happy and healthy and stable family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The greatest gift you can give your child is a sibling.

The greatest gift you can give your child is a happy and healthy and stable family.

+1

And for many families, including mine, that means stopping at one kid.

[Anonymous]

I had secondary infertility and desperately wanted another one, so that obviously colors my thoughts. One 5 year old amazing girl
pro's:
-she gets a lot of my attention and energy. I am available to give her lots of quality time
-her dad and I dote on her and she is secured and loved
-she has many close cousins, so she does get peer interaction
-private school, lavish trips

con's:
-I worry about her missing out on the sibling experience, and just having someone to lean on
-I really wanted to do the baby phase again and feel sad/bad when I am around infants thinking about what could have been
-my daughter would make an amazing older sibling and I regret that she won't get that experience.

[Anonymous]

My kid is applying to colleges this year. I'm looking at the cost and am happy he's an only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid is applying to colleges this year. I'm looking at the cost and am happy he's an only.

That’s a big reason we’re having one. We expect her to take some degree of loans out — federal only — but the cost when she’s 18 is still projected to be astronomical. We cannot justify having more than one kid when tuition could be $100K/year.

[Anonymous]

I was an only child until age 9.5 and am now basically an only child again since my sibling died. My husband has a sibling with whom he is not at all close. Given our history, we decided we would have one kid and then decide if we wanted any more. We ended up with twins so we never got to make that decision, and of course I can't imagine life without either one of them, but as someone who seriously contemplated having an only child and as someone who kind of was and is now one, I can say that the best part includes having more money for everything (travel, education, etc.), the ability for parents to have more freedom (i.e. taking care of one kid is pretty easy so it allows one parent to do something like a weekend trip with friends without the other parent feeling exhausted by taking care of multiple kids), and the fact that no kid gets dragged around to another kid's stuff or has their life negatively impacted by the needs of another child (yes, yes, I know these things build character, but come on, I know plenty of amazing only children who didn't need to sit on the sidelines of their sibling's soccer games every weekend for 12 weeks in order to learn patience or avoid being self-absorbed). The biggest challenge (beyond dealing with idiots who act like having one kid is unheard of/unusual/torture) is that you will likely spend more time finding ways for them to socialize with others, whereas having two siblings in the same house MAY provide some socialization. I say may because given the large age gap between my sibling and myself and the lack of any communal interests between my husband and his sibling, having more than one kid does not equal friends. Also, I'm all on my own in dealing with my parents, and my husband will be on his own in dealing with his as well. In my case it's because my sibling is dead, but in his case it's because his sibling is selfish and useless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it very hard to believe all these parents can't think of any real cons with an only. I wish someone would be honest... seems like a lot of defensive families otherwise, and not very believable.

It's not our fault that you are incapable of believing that having only child is awesome. Seriously, I doubt anyone has lied. YOU sound like the defensive one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend has an only child. She may not notice it because this is her only frame of reference but her son is self centered and unable to deal with any compromise relating to his desires. I have 5 children that share, laugh, fight, compromise, apologize and are incredibly loyal to one another. When we are gone they will have each other’s backs and that is priceless.

HA! I spit my water out with that one. You have no idea what your kids' relationship will be when you're dead, and you'll never know, since you'll be dead. This is such a dumb thing to say.