Parents of only children: what’s the best part? Biggest challenge?

[Anonymous]

I have an only, but she is still quite young, so I'm not sure I can tell anyone what the greatest challenges or benefits of having one child are yet.

However, I am one of four, and I can speak to what it is to be an adult child with multiple siblings.

While I love my siblings and am glad they all exist (and their spouses and children, who are all wonderful), there are real challenges to having a large family. I am not particularly close to my parents, and I think a big reason for that is that as a younger child, I did everything later -- college, career, marriage, kids. By the time I was doing those things, my parents were already deeply invested in my sibling's lives, and often mine feels like an afterthought. Or there is a lot of comparing. I think it is hard for my parents to see me as an individual or to really care deeply about what is happening with my life or my child, because they are so caught up in the lives of my siblings.

I know, I know -- a classic middle child's lament. But it really does affect your life in a profound way. I don't blame or resent my parents -- they provided for me in many ways and did the very best they could. But as a general matter, my family is not very emotionally supportive of me and that can be a challenge. I envy people who can talk to their parents or siblings about difficult things and find solace or support. I've never had that and sometimes it feels very lonely and hard.

I do not want my child, or any subsequent children, to experience that. I want her to always feel that we are there for her in whatever way we can be, that she always has a home she can go to and people who love her no matter what. I'm sure it is possible to do that with more than one child (my husband is one of two and he definitely has it), but I don't think every family is equipped for it. I think before you have another child, you need to ask yourself if you feel you can give that child everything you are giving and plan to give your first. Not just the financial stuff, but the emotional stuff, too. This is a difficult world, and if you aren't ready to show up for your kids (yes, even once they are adults), you are sentencing them to some very lonely days ahead. And also, as I can attest, a lot of therapy.

[Anonymous]

We have an only and I find it extremely isolating and lonely. In our area, most families have 2-4 kids and they always play together and aren’t really looking for play dates. We do activities, but never make friends from those as everyone leaves when the activity is over. Does your child have cousins? That will help if you decide on an only so they have someone to hang out with at family gatherings. Our house just always seems too quiet and whenever we add just one more for dinner it just flows more easily. My biggest thing is that when we pass he’ll deal with it on his own. I’m hoping he gets married and has a huge family.

[Anonymous]

I am an only and never felt lonely. I have friends I have known since early childhood and they are like family.

My DH is also an only and he too, has two best friends that are closer to him than most people's siblings.