Parents of only children: what’s the best part? Biggest challenge?
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Anonymous
| We are leaning towards being one and done with or 3yo. If you have an only, what do you love most about it? What is the biggest challenge? Any surprises in the experience (good or bad)? |
Anonymous
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I have a friend who was an only and knew from the start that she wanted an only. She and her husband say one of the main reasons they wanted to be one and done is that they could afford to send her to pyruvate school and will be able to pay for college. They were also (pre-Covid) able to take some amazing trips.
I have two kids, and don't regret it, but certainly see some advantages to having just one. In addition to the financial aspect, you only have to focus on one kid. No trying to juggle multiple activities, no worrying about age age-appropriateness of movies, etc., when the older kid is ready for it but the younger kid is not. There are many times when having one seems like it would be easier. A few years ago, I had a long conversation with two friends from college ago having onlies. We all struggled with infertility, and their onlies were mainly due to circumstances. (One friend had adopted; one had a biological child after a lot of infertility treatments.) The friend whose kid was the oldest talked about how one issue with having just one is that as a parent you just go through each milestone once. Sometimes, emotionally, there can be mixed feelings about that. I was a de facto only (child from a second marriage where older half-siblings were all out of the house when I was born). Be prepared for people to tell you that onlies are selfish, or don't know how to compromise, or that you are doing your kid a disservice by not giving them a sibling. That's rubbish. |
Anonymous
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Hi! I have a 4 year old, so not too far ahead of you, but this is what we like:
Financial flexibility. We are sending her to private school. We’ve taken her to Europe twice already. We will be able to do all of this and save for college and retirement. We can easily balance parenthood with our careers. She still naps on the weekend, so we get a few hours of total peace and quiet. Same after she goes to bed. We can really be present with her, without distractions. |
Anonymous
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The lack of bickering and intervening in disputes is a huge plus imo.
Traveling is also easier with one Finances are better with only one. We don't have any downsides. We made a concerted effort to raise a child that can amuse herself and not rely on us for entertainment constantly. DD is 8 and yesterday she asked me to play play doh with her which we did for about 15 mins. She does do some activities and we do do playdates so she does have imteraction with other kids etc. We are outdoorsy so do a lot of hikes as a family and things like that on the weekends, all year round. |
Anonymous
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no huge downsides, but we are fortunate she has close by cousins her age. we do spend more time with her, when she probably would be playing with a sibling, but I appreciate it and do the cleaning when she is in bed. life seems calmer and easier.
we do need to be aware not to spend too much time so she isnt dependent on us for entertainment. have to make more of an effort to have friends over, but she is older and makes her own plans now. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thanks for responses so far! I am so glad to hear these positive experiences. One thing I do worry about a little is the fact that DH and I are not super social (I’m an introvert, he’s a lazy extrovert in his words). Our DD is also on the shy side— very outgoing at home but extremely shy around others.
Any experience with socializing an only when the parents aren’t that outgoing? We always assumed we’d be one and done but now I worry we are setting DD up for a lonely existence. |
Anonymous
| My only has asked for a sibling for years. It’s probably personality-dependent, but DC would have been a great, loving sibling and been less lonely than they sometimes seem now. I also worry about when DC is an adult and we are old, and DC having to bear any associated burden alone. That said, with an only we have more resources for DC and things like travel are much easier. |
Anonymous
| I don’t have an only myself, but friends with onlies are DESPERATE right now during COVID. (Obviously this won’t last forever though). They are the ones I know putting their kids in camps or other activities so their kids can have some socialization. |
Anonymous
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We’re one and done. DD is 5. The only time I even slightly doubted my decision was during full lockdown when we were her only playmates.
I hated pregnancy. Can afford to give her whatever she needs. And don’t need to divide my attention. I’m good with having one. |
Anonymous
It really depends on the kid. We are far from desperate. Our introverted only (11yo) enjoys playing online games with his friends and cousins, and talking to them over discord, but other than that it’s been three of us – and it’s actually been a really nice cozy family time. We let him have more screen time than some people would approve of, because for him screen time is social time. It wouldn’t work for everyone, but it has been extremely easy for us. |
Anonymous
1. Camps and most activities are not very risky. 2. We are not DESPERATE. Please stop. |
Anonymous
| We have a 14 year old only. It’s been good, and we are all happy. I wanted two, so the downside for me was many years of craving another baby. Our kid is a very social extrovert and we are both introverts. That was challenging when kid was young (like under 10) because we were the only playmates at home. But as long as he got to play with other kids most days he was happy. It also forced us to PLAY every day. That has been unexpectedly good for us. We can’t watch tag, or the climbing wall - we have to participate or it feels lonely to him and he doesn’t want to do things. So I do all sorts of goofy fun things I never would have done. Today we went to the batting cages and kid coached me to hit baseballs. So in terms of our relationship with him being an only it has been good. At this point I do not want another kid, at all. But I know our family with two kids would have been equally wonderful, just different. |
Anonymous
My friends with multiple kids are the desperate ones, they’re going crazy trapped in the house with whining fighting kids and trying to coordinate two distance-learning schedules at once. It’s been easy breezy for us, to the extent that I am embarrassed about how calm and happy our lockdown has been… when my friends talk about this stuff I am quiet about our experience and try to focus on being sympathetic for the theirs, because it sounds terrible. |
Anonymous
Same here. My kid’s preschool has been open the entire time, so she’s been going there. DH was working from home before this started, so no change for him. I’m on an every other week schedule, so it’s basically part-time work with full time pay. I’m also embarrassed by how easy this has been for us. |
Anonymous
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Pros- no fighting with siblings. I don't think I could stand it after seeing how much of it goes on with some of my friend's kid. It is also much quieter. I'm an introvert so it works for me. I don't make much money so I don't always feel financially stretched like I would with more than one kid. My kid has also never asked for a sibling. He likes quiet too.
Cons- there aren't any for us. My son has enough friends that he hangs out with that it isn't like he is by himself all of the time. When my friends started having their second kids, I did feel a bit left out but now that I've seen how much of a struggle it can be, I'm glad it is just us. |