Reply to Long term affair... trying to wrap my head around if it’s even possible to get over your DH’s 3 yr

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]After 3 yrs that was his girlfriend. [/quote]

This.  The level of deception, commitment, and feelings/attachment that go into making a 3 year affair work is something I could never forgive.  It would be immediate divorce. [/quote]

If he was banging her once a month that doesn’t take a high level of commitment if he was seeing her a few times per week that’s completely different.[/quote]

Is this what people tell themselves when choosing to stay with a cheating spouse? Wow.[/quote]

In long marriages 20+ years, yes.  Kids involved that would have to split their homes and sleep in different places? Yes.

It all depends on circumstances, the individuals and how the marriage was prior to the affair.  The more you study infidelity and men you will learn that men in happy marriages will cheat (up to 60%).  Studies reveal men in affairs rage have some of the highest marital satisfaction while women in affairs have some of the lowest marital satisfaction.

The question is what is he doing now?  How is he acting? Is he in therapy?  Were you happy prior?  To throw away a 20+ year marriage on a midlife crisis and unaddressed issues is a fool’s errand and highly detrimental to the kids.  Now, if this was a pattern and the marriage had always been riddled with problems and the affair was much more—different set of issues.  It’s a fallacy that once a cheater always a cheater.  Those that see the hurt and devastation in their spouse and do the work never want to go there again.

Nobody should judge anyone else.  I’m fact, there are sooooo many people that face this issue in their marriage, make it work and come out stronger.  You would never guess how many friends. Neighbors or even family may have suffered in silence.  People don’t tell others about affairs.[/quote]

I’ve been married for 15 years, together for 20. We are still deeply in love after all these years, not just two people who share a house. So any infidelity from either of us would be such a massive betrayal that our marriage would have to end. I just cannot fathom doing the math on my spouse “only banging her X amount of times per month” and choosing to stay. Have some self respect, people.[/quote]

HAHA... no infidelity that you know of. Sure you can have a deeply committed and in love marriage and he can be banging the secretary. For men it's different and you clearly don't get it.

Just because a man loves you does not mean you have to stay married. [/quote]

You seem confused. Are you sure you’re replying to the right post?[/quote]

Yes. I'm replying to somebody that imagines "because they are not 2 people just sharing a house" that there could never be infidelity. It's a lie people tell themselves as self protections. They believe if they "do everything right" nothing bad can happen. It's not rare to have an affair and 1 person thought they were deeply in love and are blindsided. Here is the thing, you can be deeply in love and have an affair. She clearly does not get that. She is in the "this could never happen to me" category and she is wrong.[/quote]

You need to read again. She is saying that they are so deeply in love after 15 years that if she found out about an affair it would be such a betrayal that she could not stay.[/quote]

That is what she imagines, not what is fact.

1. She imagines he has not had an affair, nobody really knows
2. She imagines she would not stay, she really has not idea what she would do, she knows what she would hope to do.

It's very common fallacy argument. [/quote]

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