Oldest son has a lot of animosity towards middle son

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don’t sound like you care very much for your middle son.

Because I’m not saying much about him? I certainly do care but his behavior isn’t the problem.

NP. Because you don't seem protective of him in the normal way most mothers are.

Agree. But, there is op attacking pps who said the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would sit down with the oldest and ask him what's wrong that he harbors so much hate or indifference to both his siblings. And that he has to learn to control his emotions, and not overreact to his brother's presence. Some of it is certainly adolescent hormones, but still... what you describe seems over the top.

Honestly he seems to have an issue, OP. High-functioning autism and ADHD can both present with disproportionate emotional reactions to a close family member. In the short period this young man is still under your roof, I would observe him closely, do your research, and possibly have him evaluated, or at least implement strategies suited to what you think ails him.

The bottom line is that he has to understand he cannot treat people with such scorn and disdain. He has to see his siblings for the humans they are, deserving of respect. Is he embarrassed by them, is he desperate to fit in a particular group, and they're a hindrance? You need to have long conversations with him.

Thank you. This is helpful. He does lack empathy and it’s something we are working on for him to understand. I’m not sure about autism. There could be some adhd. He’s very good socially with adults and peers. For context the kids are all great athletes and students. Close extended family.

We will continue to talk to him about his brothers being humans with same feelings as him. 16yo is so self absorbed so it’s a hurdle.

And will you talk to your 14 year old about what is going on with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have 3 boys - 16, 14, 11.

Our oldest has always been resentful and mean to his middle brother since practically the day he was born. I think the kid would have been happier as an only child.

The actual fighting has stopped as they have gotten older, and they do have their good and brotherly moments, but 16yo never wants to spend any time with 14yo and you can see the rage burning even at dinner or in the car when 14yo is talking.

16yo told his dad today that he really doesn't like his brother and thinks he's annoying and nerdy. 16yo is very social and 14yo is a homebody, but he's not nerdy and is super cool and laid back. He just doesn't care about the materialistic stuff that 16yo cares about or the the ego or need to prove himself.

My biggest worry is that this is going to affect 14yo in the long run emotionally. He definitely does not give signs that it bothers him and he teases older ds sometimes in retaliation and it enrages 16yo. We step in when we need to, but we have stopped doing it as much once 14yo showed he could give it right back AND we realized it made him feel like he needed to be rescued.

I know sibs can be like this but this seems a little intense and over the top for sibling dislike. He is neutral about 11. 11yo and 14yo get along great. 11yo also stands up to 16yo. It's a weird dynamic.

I grew up in a house full of girls. I don't recall hating them like 16yo seems to hate his brother most of the time.

Bold is about the elder kid. Why? What does your 16 year old say? Why does he have to spend time with 14 year old?
Italic about younger.
What have you done when he teases the older?
Your eldest has rage issue and you need to protect your younger.
You also need to help your older child.
Why is that not anywhere in sight?
Your 14-year-old is super cool and laid back. What does that say about your attitude towards your middle and towards your eldest?
If your child has a rage problem, why are you not helping that child?

[Anonymous]

I find it interesting that some posters are reading that she favors the older son and some are reading that she favors the 14yo.

It might be a lot of projection.

Sibling rivalry issues cut so deep. I don't even think some of the PPs are necessarily trolling--but it seems like folks with unhappy sibling relationships or family dynamics simply cannot help but to project. OP, I would be wary of those who are offering advice based on grievances (legitmate or illegitimate) from their own childhoods and seek a professional therapist on these issues.

[Anonymous]

OP ignore the trolls. It’s clear you care, I think therapy is a good idea.

[Anonymous]

I had a situation like this and I truly blame my parents. I think my sister was filled with a lot of anger because honestly both my parents were narcissists and were super focused on themselves. Then they would play us all off each other and play favorites. It was just constant tension. My sister directed a lot of her frustration at me, because when you're in that situation, you cant direct the anger at the narcissists or parents, because it's not safe, so you have to go for the easier target. I think my parents wereboth so self involved and they often used the "We'll just let them figure it out" cop out. They should have gotten involved, for both our sakes, but I think they thought it was too much work and would rather sit back and just watch the show. I also think they enjoyed us fighting, in a way, because when we were united as siblings, it was kind of like we were a team and our parents were the other team, whereas when we were arguing, we had no unity and no fighting power with them.

All these things should be considered and I think you should talk to a therapist for EACH OF YOU. These dysfunctional situations never just randomly happen in a vacuum. And they take time and effort to unpack. But you can either do it now, or let your kids do it on their own when they're 30 and starting to really resent how you handled things.

[Anonymous]

Hopefully "trolls" have succeded in showing her that she should care about the 16 year old too. She allowed 16 year old to bully the 14 year old. She allowed 14 year old to tease and criticize the 16 year old for being shallow.
According to OP her 16-year ols has good social relationships with his friends, is not a trouble child otherwise, so why is she blaming him only for this issue? What is the younger saying at dinner that enrages him so? What is your reaction to things your 14-year old says? Why don't you pay attention, and report as so what your 14 year old does and says and howhe acts when 16 tear old start to talk at dinner? I bet you that would be an interesting thing to report.
Come on op, show us you can be impartial here and ask your self, what about 14 year old enrages the 16 year old.

[Anonymous]

OP. it seems you are getting a lot of responses from people with young kids who don't get teens. You might have been better to post this in the teens forum.

My brother and I never got along either. He didn't like me and I didn't particularly like him. He was an intense guy and had lots of anger and I was laid back. We could both dish it, he would get really mad when I would give it back but we dealt! My parents never intervened when we were teens and we had all our worst fights when they weren't home.

Once my brother for into his twenties and has a girlfriend and was living an adult life with a job etc, a lot of his anger subsided. He and I are on superficially good terms, we are more like acquaintances but we get along fine. We are just not compatible as more than that!

As long as your younger son isn't bothered and can hold his own, you might have to just wait it out until the older leaves for school. I don't think my older brother would have ever done therapy for his anger, and I don't think he ever knew where it can from, he was just uptight and stressed and intense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a situation like this and I truly blame my parents. I think my sister was filled with a lot of anger because honestly both my parents were narcissists and were super focused on themselves. Then they would play us all off each other and play favorites. It was just constant tension. My sister directed a lot of her frustration at me, because when you're in that situation, you cant direct the anger at the narcissists or parents, because it's not safe, so you have to go for the easier target. I think my parents wereboth so self involved and they often used the "We'll just let them figure it out" cop out. They should have gotten involved, for both our sakes, but I think they thought it was too much work and would rather sit back and just watch the show. I also think they enjoyed us fighting, in a way, because when we were united as siblings, it was kind of like we were a team and our parents were the other team, whereas when we were arguing, we had no unity and no fighting power with them.

All these things should be considered and I think you should talk to a therapist for EACH OF YOU. These dysfunctional situations never just randomly happen in a vacuum. And they take time and effort to unpack. But you can either do it now, or let your kids do it on their own when they're 30 and starting to really resent how you handled things.

OMG! You get it. OP should truly listen to what you have to say. Didyou get the impression that op and her 14 year old are a team?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sibling and I were like this and are parents were like you and didn't care. You need to stand up and protect the younger boys and set a good example. You both also need to spend more 1-1 time with each child, especially the older one as he's clearly not getting his needs met.

I am not sure where you get we don't care. We care very much. That is why I am posting. We have numerous conversations about this with each other and him when warranted. Also 16yo wants to be with his friends more than anything, not us. His "needs" are that he wants his brothers not to talk to him or even be in earshot.

You are clear you don't step in. He needs time with his parents. If he doesn't get it he will go to his friends. Guess COVID doesn't matter to you either. If he doesn't want his brothers around, he can go to his room.

We step in if it gets out of hand. We don't monitor or referee their every conversation. And he does go to his room.

Sounds like you need to monitor and referee every conversation. He'll do it because he can.

If you don't intervene now you will alienate your middle son from the entire family. There is a good chance that he will blame you for his unhappy homelife and keep his distance himself from your family when he grows up.

You don't think the oldest son will be the black sheep? It sounds like Middle and Youngest have a good relationship. Does 14 YO tune out 16 YO or he consistently shows a reaction?

On a lighter note, this is why I advocate having more than 2 kids, in case one of them always wants to pee in the pool. On the other hand, a mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child. Good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

OP I'm sorry, this is hard. My partner's older sibling has a similar dynamic and the parents report it starting very, very early like you. So some of it is personality and kind of this innate jealousy/possessiveness. I can't say it will solve it, but I think if my partner was back in that time period in hindsight he would tell his parents to get full on family therapy asap. Once they are out of the house, the little control you do have right now evaporates. If this was non-covid times it would be easier as I dont know how effective virtual family therapy is, but I would try to find a well regarded family therapist (it's not easy so don't go to just anyone) that can try to help you all figure out any dynamics that are exacerbating this. I would sit down as a family and not target any on person but say that as a family, getting along, and enjoying being together is a priority and you are all going to be working on it together. Actually first I would talk to the therapist to figure out how to address it.

If you don't think you can get the kids to engage or they continue to refuse. Then you and your husband go to a family therapist together. You share the dynamics, get feedback and figure out how you all can make efforts to adjust them.

[Anonymous]

I think it's fascinating people are reading favoritism of different kids. I immediately picked up on the fact that the middle kids was super cool, laid back, and not a shallow materialistic asshole like the oldest as showing clear favoritism of the middle. My guess is OP identifies most with the middle and oldest has picked up on it and is jealous and lashes out at the easier target. Therapy for all to break this bad dynamic. My parents also had a clear favorite of the 3 of us and to this day my other sibling and I barely have a relationship with the "golden" child who is spoiled rotten.

[Anonymous]

This is a major parenting fail. It makes me sick to read how you think you intervene "when it matters".

When it mattered was when they were tiny. You allowed the dye to be set and its stayed that way.

Shame on you.

[Anonymous]

You needed family counselling immediately and it may already be too late. The 16 year old is mean and cruel BUT he has been this way since the day you brought the 14 year old home and stopped paying attention to older brother. I suspect he really hates you but takes it out on younger brother because he can't do anything to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don’t sound like you care very much for your middle son.

Because I’m not saying much about him? I certainly do care but his behavior isn’t the problem.

You called him nerdy. I wouldn't like it if my parent called me nerdy, and my sibling "super cool".