Oldest son has a lot of animosity towards middle son

[Anonymous]

We have 3 boys - 16, 14, 11.

Our oldest has always been resentful and mean to his middle brother since practically the day he was born. I think the kid would have been happier as an only child.

The actual fighting has stopped as they have gotten older, and they do have their good and brotherly moments, but 16yo never wants to spend any time with 14yo and you can see the rage burning even at dinner or in the car when 14yo is talking.

16yo told his dad today that he really doesn't like his brother and thinks he's annoying and nerdy. 16yo is very social and 14yo is a homebody, but he's not nerdy and is super cool and laid back. He just doesn't care about the materialistic stuff that 16yo cares about or the the ego or need to prove himself.

My biggest worry is that this is going to affect 14yo in the long run emotionally. He definitely does not give signs that it bothers him and he teases older ds sometimes in retaliation and it enrages 16yo. We step in when we need to, but we have stopped doing it as much once 14yo showed he could give it right back AND we realized it made him feel like he needed to be rescued.

I know sibs can be like this but this seems a little intense and over the top for sibling dislike. He is neutral about 11. 11yo and 14yo get along great. 11yo also stands up to 16yo. It's a weird dynamic.

I grew up in a house full of girls. I don't recall hating them like 16yo seems to hate his brother most of the time.

[Anonymous]

My sibling and I were like this and are parents were like you and didn't care. You need to stand up and protect the younger boys and set a good example. You both also need to spend more 1-1 time with each child, especially the older one as he's clearly not getting his needs met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sibling and I were like this and are parents were like you and didn't care. You need to stand up and protect the younger boys and set a good example. You both also need to spend more 1-1 time with each child, especially the older one as he's clearly not getting his needs met.

I am not sure where you get we don't care. We care very much. That is why I am posting. We have numerous conversations about this with each other and him when warranted. Also 16yo wants to be with his friends more than anything, not us. His "needs" are that he wants his brothers not to talk to him or even be in earshot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sibling and I were like this and are parents were like you and didn't care. You need to stand up and protect the younger boys and set a good example. You both also need to spend more 1-1 time with each child, especially the older one as he's clearly not getting his needs met.

I am not sure where you get we don't care. We care very much. That is why I am posting. We have numerous conversations about this with each other and him when warranted. Also 16yo wants to be with his friends more than anything, not us. His "needs" are that he wants his brothers not to talk to him or even be in earshot.

You are clear you don't step in. He needs time with his parents. If he doesn't get it he will go to his friends. Guess COVID doesn't matter to you either. If he doesn't want his brothers around, he can go to his room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sibling and I were like this and are parents were like you and didn't care. You need to stand up and protect the younger boys and set a good example. You both also need to spend more 1-1 time with each child, especially the older one as he's clearly not getting his needs met.

I am not sure where you get we don't care. We care very much. That is why I am posting. We have numerous conversations about this with each other and him when warranted. Also 16yo wants to be with his friends more than anything, not us. His "needs" are that he wants his brothers not to talk to him or even be in earshot.

You are clear you don't step in. He needs time with his parents. If he doesn't get it he will go to his friends. Guess COVID doesn't matter to you either. If he doesn't want his brothers around, he can go to his room.

We step in if it gets out of hand. We don't monitor or referee their every conversation. And he does go to his room.

[Anonymous]

I would sit down with the oldest and ask him what's wrong that he harbors so much hate or indifference to both his siblings. And that he has to learn to control his emotions, and not overreact to his brother's presence. Some of it is certainly adolescent hormones, but still... what you describe seems over the top.

Honestly he seems to have an issue, OP. High-functioning autism and ADHD can both present with disproportionate emotional reactions to a close family member. In the short period this young man is still under your roof, I would observe him closely, do your research, and possibly have him evaluated, or at least implement strategies suited to what you think ails him.

The bottom line is that he has to understand he cannot treat people with such scorn and disdain. He has to see his siblings for the humans they are, deserving of respect. Is he embarrassed by them, is he desperate to fit in a particular group, and they're a hindrance? You need to have long conversations with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would sit down with the oldest and ask him what's wrong that he harbors so much hate or indifference to both his siblings. And that he has to learn to control his emotions, and not overreact to his brother's presence. Some of it is certainly adolescent hormones, but still... what you describe seems over the top.

Honestly he seems to have an issue, OP. High-functioning autism and ADHD can both present with disproportionate emotional reactions to a close family member. In the short period this young man is still under your roof, I would observe him closely, do your research, and possibly have him evaluated, or at least implement strategies suited to what you think ails him.

The bottom line is that he has to understand he cannot treat people with such scorn and disdain. He has to see his siblings for the humans they are, deserving of respect. Is he embarrassed by them, is he desperate to fit in a particular group, and they're a hindrance? You need to have long conversations with him.

Thank you. This is helpful. He does lack empathy and it’s something we are working on for him to understand. I’m not sure about autism. There could be some adhd. He’s very good socially with adults and peers. For context the kids are all great athletes and students. Close extended family.

We will continue to talk to him about his brothers being humans with same feelings as him. 16yo is so self absorbed so it’s a hurdle.

[Anonymous]

I am somewhat disturbed as you and your oldest both seem to view being nerdy as something negative.
I guess being a bit less judgmental could help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would sit down with the oldest and ask him what's wrong that he harbors so much hate or indifference to both his siblings. And that he has to learn to control his emotions, and not overreact to his brother's presence. Some of it is certainly adolescent hormones, but still... what you describe seems over the top.

Honestly he seems to have an issue, OP. High-functioning autism and ADHD can both present with disproportionate emotional reactions to a close family member. In the short period this young man is still under your roof, I would observe him closely, do your research, and possibly have him evaluated, or at least implement strategies suited to what you think ails him.

The bottom line is that he has to understand he cannot treat people with such scorn and disdain. He has to see his siblings for the humans they are, deserving of respect. Is he embarrassed by them, is he desperate to fit in a particular group, and they're a hindrance? You need to have long conversations with him.

Enough with diagnosing everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sibling and I were like this and are parents were like you and didn't care. You need to stand up and protect the younger boys and set a good example. You both also need to spend more 1-1 time with each child, especially the older one as he's clearly not getting his needs met.

I am not sure where you get we don't care. We care very much. That is why I am posting. We have numerous conversations about this with each other and him when warranted. Also 16yo wants to be with his friends more than anything, not us. His "needs" are that he wants his brothers not to talk to him or even be in earshot.

You are clear you don't step in. He needs time with his parents. If he doesn't get it he will go to his friends. Guess COVID doesn't matter to you either. If he doesn't want his brothers around, he can go to his room.

We step in if it gets out of hand. We don't monitor or referee their every conversation. And he does go to his room.

Sounds like you need to monitor and referee every conversation. He'll do it because he can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sibling and I were like this and are parents were like you and didn't care. You need to stand up and protect the younger boys and set a good example. You both also need to spend more 1-1 time with each child, especially the older one as he's clearly not getting his needs met.

I am not sure where you get we don't care. We care very much. That is why I am posting. We have numerous conversations about this with each other and him when warranted. Also 16yo wants to be with his friends more than anything, not us. His "needs" are that he wants his brothers not to talk to him or even be in earshot.

You are clear you don't step in. He needs time with his parents. If he doesn't get it he will go to his friends. Guess COVID doesn't matter to you either. If he doesn't want his brothers around, he can go to his room.

We step in if it gets out of hand. We don't monitor or referee their every conversation. And he does go to his room.

Sounds like you need to monitor and referee every conversation. He'll do it because he can.

If you don't intervene now you will alienate your middle son from the entire family. There is a good chance that he will blame you for his unhappy homelife and keep his distance himself from your family when he grows up.

[Anonymous]

Don't try to get the boys to spend time together. It sounds like the kind of relationship where they'll get along much better once they don't have to live together.

[Anonymous]

My family had similar dynamics as in younger two siblings getting along well, oldest neutral to the youngest, but I was like your oldest towards the middle. NOw that I am away from all of them physically, I can now understand the part of the reasons why I’ve acted the way it was came from mother’s constant criticism and denial about anything I did. It was so hurtful. Maybe there was a reason for mom to be so hard on me, but I was very much done with mother by age 16. BY then. I’ve grown not to trust her (I loved dad but if he intervened between me and sibling, mom got upset with dad). I probably needed her attention and care when I was little but not when I was at 16. Why would I listen to someone I don’t trust?

With COVID, it gave all of us a legit reason not to see each other. So, no communication what’s so ever between me and the rest of family now. The siblings and mom are fully engaged with each other but I am excluded intentionally or unintentionally from them. I think it is true about what a poster above says, when your oldest leaves home, he will likely distance himself from OP and the siblings.

What I would have liked from my parents back then? Well, first stop criticizing me, for once be positive and supportive for me (dad always, mom never), stop negative campaigns on me in front of siblings/extended family/mutual friends, be fair in how you treat siblings because mom did not treat them like she treated me. I grew up thinking “why always me, me , me” (I take that maybe I was a difficult child, that difficult child was the first born and mom being a young inexperienced mother, she needed to act the way she did).

Now, it doesn’t matter because I learnt a hard lesson over the winter holiday just before COVID, how mom and the siblings are viewing me in a extreme negative way. I don’t have any recourse with them, but OP and oldest son may be able to salvage and renew a relationship. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I am the youngest of three. I think it is a bad number. There is often a two against one dynamic. My other siblings are closer. It's hurtful.

I dont know what to say about your situation. Just saying three is rough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family had similar dynamics as in younger two siblings getting along well, oldest neutral to the youngest, but I was like your oldest towards the middle. NOw that I am away from all of them physically, I can now understand the part of the reasons why I’ve acted the way it was came from mother’s constant criticism and denial about anything I did. It was so hurtful. Maybe there was a reason for mom to be so hard on me, but I was very much done with mother by age 16. BY then. I’ve grown not to trust her (I loved dad but if he intervened between me and sibling, mom got upset with dad). I probably needed her attention and care when I was little but not when I was at 16. Why would I listen to someone I don’t trust?

With COVID, it gave all of us a legit reason not to see each other. So, no communication what’s so ever between me and the rest of family now. The siblings and mom are fully engaged with each other but I am excluded intentionally or unintentionally from them. I think it is true about what a poster above says, when your oldest leaves home, he will likely distance himself from OP and the siblings.

What I would have liked from my parents back then? Well, first stop criticizing me, for once be positive and supportive for me (dad always, mom never), stop negative campaigns on me in front of siblings/extended family/mutual friends, be fair in how you treat siblings because mom did not treat them like she treated me. I grew up thinking “why always me, me , me” (I take that maybe I was a difficult child, that difficult child was the first born and mom being a young inexperienced mother, she needed to act the way she did).

Now, it doesn’t matter because I learnt a hard lesson over the winter holiday just before COVID, how mom and the siblings are viewing me in a extreme negative way. I don’t have any recourse with them, but OP and oldest son may be able to salvage and renew a relationship. Good luck.

This is my family except two kids. We live close to my parents and I don't remember the last time we saw them and I talk to them maybe every few months.