Oldest son has a lot of animosity towards middle son

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The older one sounds like the the social butterfly, its the middle one who is the "homebody" so I'm not sure that the above assessment is correct based on the limited information we have

Yes, and to be a social butterfly takes a lot of navigation and strategy: it's "work".
But the "homebody" just shows up occasionally, when he wants, and everyone thinks he's cool.

Him mom thinks he's cool....so not sure about his peers. Doesn't sound like friends are banging down the door to play with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s wrong with being nerdy that it’s an excuse to hate someone? I know it’s off topic but I don’t get it.

All the nerds on dcum are taking this personally
In reality being a nerd covers for some unfortunate characteristics: socially awkwardness and lack of physical attractiveness, to name a few. I would also prefer for my child not to be a nerd.
In this particular case, i think OP's eldest is calling his brother a nerd only because he realizes that the middle one doesn't really have to do much to be accepted: which for him is not well deserved. They just have different temperaments and probably values. I can see it being hard for any parent.

+1

Nailed it. I don't know how much OP can do about it, except not favor anyone - treat them all as equal as possible, and if you stand up for one, you stand up for the other one. Otherwise, they will grow up to resent each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would sit down with the oldest and ask him what's wrong that he harbors so much hate or indifference to both his siblings. And that he has to learn to control his emotions, and not overreact to his brother's presence. Some of it is certainly adolescent hormones, but still... what you describe seems over the top.

Honestly he seems to have an issue, OP. High-functioning autism and ADHD can both present with disproportionate emotional reactions to a close family member. In the short period this young man is still under your roof, I would observe him closely, do your research, and possibly have him evaluated, or at least implement strategies suited to what you think ails him.

The bottom line is that he has to understand he cannot treat people with such scorn and disdain. He has to see his siblings for the humans they are, deserving of respect. Is he embarrassed by them, is he desperate to fit in a particular group, and they're a hindrance? You need to have long conversations with him.

+1

DH had this in his family - it was sheer jealousy, and DH couldn't do enough for them, so DH gave up trying, which ended up being the best solution of all - for everyone.

DH comes from a big family and two of the kids (and at least one parent) have depression and anger issues, plus they are on the spectrum, plus they have few friends of their own, and have a REALLY hard time meeting people because they are such "introverts"/"nerds"/whatever DCUM people call them. They just don't have social skills, the MIL did them a HUGE life long disservice by not stepping in.

This PP is onto something here. I know people don't want to discuss it, but this is a real issue that parents need to address, for family's sake. In DH's family, they also had to vie for positive attention (ie: parent not yelling at them and criticizing them), because the vibes in the house were so negative (parents were depressed, and at least one on the spectrum - uber sensitive to noise, yet had ALL those kids?? Really? Who does that?) and that meant cutting the siblings down in front of each other, or not being able to enjoy something (anything?).

Anyway, totally unhealthy and hostile dynamic was set off by the kids' (and parents!) issues not being addressed. To this day, no one talks about the elephants (plural) in the room, at the ILs' houses. It is all very bizarre, as an outsider, as someone not raised in the house, and the IL's that married in agree. Don't be them.

[Anonymous]

Sibling rivalry like this exists because a parent favors one of the children. Look at what you are doing for answers.

[Anonymous]

I wish my parents had acted and gotten our family into counseling when my sister and I were teens. Instead, we have a vey dysfunctional relationship where everyone tip-toes around my sister who lashes out at all of us - not all the time, but often enough that we're all wary and then she's pissed that no one reaches out to her willingly. DH stated once that she would have been happier being an only child, and I realized that he's right. Nothing I ever do will be enough to get her to stop lashing out at me so I've just retreated to a distance that feels safe. My parents do the same thing and she's frustrated that no one is close to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sibling rivalry like this exists because a parent favors one of the children. Look at what you are doing for answers.

You probably believe homosexuality and schizophrenia are the mother's fault, too.

[Anonymous]

I might get help from a therapist to deal with this because I wouldn’t really know where to begin. My sister resented me and at times it seemed like she outright hated me and it has affected me as an adult for sure. It sucks more than anything when a member of your family doesn’t want you there. I mean, that’s serious rejection on a daily basis. It’s so painful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s wrong with being nerdy that it’s an excuse to hate someone? I know it’s off topic but I don’t get it.

All the nerds on dcum are taking this personally
In reality being a nerd covers for some unfortunate characteristics: socially awkwardness and lack of physical attractiveness, to name a few. I would also prefer for my child not to be a nerd.
In this particular case, i think OP's eldest is calling his brother a nerd only because he realizes that the middle one doesn't really have to do much to be accepted: which for him is not well deserved. They just have different temperaments and probably values. I can see it being hard for any parent.

+1

Nailed it. I don't know how much OP can do about it, except not favor anyone - treat them all as equal as possible, and if you stand up for one, you stand up for the other one. Otherwise, they will grow up to resent each other.

And this is why we read all the stories on DCUM about families being estranged and not getting along. A parent who doesn't want the nerd for a kid, doesn't want the introvert and the kid knows it regardless how much the parent thinks they have hidden it.

The kids hate one another because the nerd is being bullied by the older brother and rejected and this will cause resentment to last a lifetime. Say goodbye to family Christmas's together or holidays or any other important event. It will always be stressful and volatile.

The oldest kid is a complete and utter brat who hasn't learned any empathy or how to tolerate different types of people and he is praised because he is popular. Yes bullies can be popular but he may struggle in the real world when others don't like him for the mean person he is.

[Anonymous]

The wording you use to describe the two is very telling.

[Anonymous]

OP, seek help from a therapist. I don’t think you can seek advice here since most just want to blame you. Hope you can get it sorted out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s wrong with being nerdy that it’s an excuse to hate someone? I know it’s off topic but I don’t get it.

All the nerds on dcum are taking this personally
In reality being a nerd covers for some unfortunate characteristics: socially awkwardness and lack of physical attractiveness, to name a few. I would also prefer for my child not to be a nerd.
In this particular case, i think OP's eldest is calling his brother a nerd only because he realizes that the middle one doesn't really have to do much to be accepted: which for him is not well deserved. They just have different temperaments and probably values. I can see it being hard for any parent.

Haha I came to the US when I was senior in HS and since I was a good student I guess I was automatically assigned a nerd label... which I know many View negatively but I was always ok with it... found myself some nerdy friends and a cute boyfriend.
So I seriously don’t understand. I thought it was just a social group like aggies for example... another group in HS...
But yeah I get it how a 16 yo can be obsessed over someone being or not being a nerd... I think I was mature for my age.

[Anonymous]

I thought of a movie Goldfinch. The younger brother in the foster family, anyone?

[Anonymous]

3 is a hard number to deal with. Didn't you watch the Brady Bunch? (Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!)
I am the youngest child and get along with my two older brothers but they have a very distant relationship, just like when they were kids. They just have different personalities. No amount of counseling would have changed the dynamics between them.

The only times they got along were on family vacations. We went hiking and camping and to Mexico. There weren't other people to hang out with. During holidays they talk about those trips and it is the only time I see them enjoy each other's company.