DH said that he’s not married on FB chat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d keep an eye on it. I’d get a good luck at his phone and email before I asked DH what it was about.

Um, what do you think it's about?!

PP here. I think he is interested in flirting and potentially an affair. I just meant that I’d want to gather all the evidence before confronting him. That would tip him off to scrub all his accounts.

This is a good tip from a divorce perspective. Gathering evidence so it's ready to go is a very wise idea

Evidence? For what? Just divorce. No one sues for at-fault divorce anymore.

Wrong. Still an option. Provides evidence of adultery. Gives leverage emotionally. Also considered in alimony calculations depending on the state.

It doesn’t provide evidence of adultery. For that you need two things: public display of affection and opportunity.

So, photographs of kissing and hand holding and going into a hotel room. Ideally pictures of them having sex but the first two will do the trick if documented. And it has to be multiple times.

Stuff said in chats or whatever? Not enough.

This is why people hire PIs.

[Anonymous]

OP before bringing him up to speed on what you know get your ducks in a row.

Photos of all financial records. All.

Start collecting visa gift cards when you go out.

Put everything somewhere extremely safe.

Then discuss. Because this is most likely not the first time,

[Anonymous]

And start tagging him on Facebook with a picture of the two of you and indicating he is your dh. "Had so much fun with my husband and kids on the hike today."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d keep an eye on it. I’d get a good luck at his phone and email before I asked DH what it was about.

Um, what do you think it's about?!

PP here. I think he is interested in flirting and potentially an affair. I just meant that I’d want to gather all the evidence before confronting him. That would tip him off to scrub all his accounts.

This is a good tip from a divorce perspective. Gathering evidence so it's ready to go is a very wise idea

Evidence? For what? Just divorce. No one sues for at-fault divorce anymore.

Wrong. Still an option. Provides evidence of adultery. Gives leverage emotionally. Also considered in alimony calculations depending on the state.

It doesn’t provide evidence of adultery. For that you need two things: public display of affection and opportunity.

So, photographs of kissing and hand holding and going into a hotel room. Ideally pictures of them having sex but the first two will do the trick if documented. And it has to be multiple times.

Stuff said in chats or whatever? Not enough.

This is why people hire PIs.

Again, her advice to gather the evidence she can still stands. Why are you arguing so much in defense of someone “flirting” and lying about his marriage to someone? Why intentionally giving OP misguided advice on how to move through this in a safe and rational way that protects her physically, emotionally, and financially? Those of us who have BTDT understand what is implied here. There is a greater risk from OP to have nothing than something.

Err on the side of caution op, document all you can, and start a journal. You can always correlate your events with discovery if necessary. And yes, a PI is an option as is camera footage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And start tagging him on Facebook with a picture of the two of you and indicating he is your dh. "Had so much fun with my husband and kids on the hike today."

Sure. Just understand the implications there too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d keep an eye on it. I’d get a good luck at his phone and email before I asked DH what it was about.

Um, what do you think it's about?!

PP here. I think he is interested in flirting and potentially an affair. I just meant that I’d want to gather all the evidence before confronting him. That would tip him off to scrub all his accounts.

This is a good tip from a divorce perspective. Gathering evidence so it's ready to go is a very wise idea

Evidence? For what? Just divorce. No one sues for at-fault divorce anymore.

Wrong. Still an option. Provides evidence of adultery. Gives leverage emotionally. Also considered in alimony calculations depending on the state.

Yes. Women are often denied alimony/spousal support and only get child support when adultery is proven.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d keep an eye on it. I’d get a good luck at his phone and email before I asked DH what it was about.

Um, what do you think it's about?!

PP here. I think he is interested in flirting and potentially an affair. I just meant that I’d want to gather all the evidence before confronting him. That would tip him off to scrub all his accounts.

This is a good tip from a divorce perspective. Gathering evidence so it's ready to go is a very wise idea

Evidence? For what? Just divorce. No one sues for at-fault divorce anymore.

Wrong. Still an option. Provides evidence of adultery. Gives leverage emotionally. Also considered in alimony calculations depending on the state.

It doesn’t provide evidence of adultery. For that you need two things: public display of affection and opportunity.

So, photographs of kissing and hand holding and going into a hotel room. Ideally pictures of them having sex but the first two will do the trick if documented. And it has to be multiple times.

Stuff said in chats or whatever? Not enough.

This is why people hire PIs.

Again, her advice to gather the evidence she can still stands. Why are you arguing so much in defense of someone “flirting” and lying about his marriage to someone? Why intentionally giving OP misguided advice on how to move through this in a safe and rational way that protects her physically, emotionally, and financially? Those of us who have BTDT understand what is implied here. There is a greater risk from OP to have nothing than something.

Err on the side of caution op, document all you can, and start a journal. You can always correlate your events with discovery if necessary. And yes, a PI is an option as is camera footage.

It’s your use of the word “evidence.” As someone who has been through this myself (on the victim side) most of what you are suggesting are irrelevant for legal purposes. But it the hyper vigilance is useful for the purposes of deciding to move on to separation and divorce, go for it. Just don’t break the law or it can blow back on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ oh and I had password to his iphone and his email account...he was very transparent and left it lying around. THAT IS BECAUSE HE WAS DOING ALL OF THE DECEITFUL WAYS 2020 ALLOWS FOR...

The old articles about how to find a cheater do not apply to today's technology. There is no classic found text message or numbers showing up on a phone bill or him staying out at night or going away on friend's trips. They can do this sh(t middle of work day and never call or contact each other minus a skype message which leaves no trace on phone bill...and if they have given zero signs in the relationship you have no reason to GPS track or put a VAR recorder in their car.

This is reality today.

You can’t put GPS tracker on a car that isn’t in your name and you certainly cannot put a VAR to record people’s conversations if you aren’t part of them. You could literally be jailed for that.

I know someone that used a VAR. They never go after them for that. If your name is on title, you most definitely can use a GPS tracker.

Sorry, cheater.

I am not the cheater. I caught my ex wife and just sharing the legal advice I received at the time.

You also cannot hack into your partner’s emails or devices.

And, yes, they do prosecute these things. Which is why you should hire a licensed PI.

It's not hacking when they provided the email password/phone password and authorization. But, yes, otherwise pi

Cheaters never provide these passwords. That said sometimes you can find incriminating things in shared clouds.

WRONG!! OMG--so wrong! Mine did. His iphone was left unlocked. We have the same passwords on our iphones...and I have his PW for email account.

What cheaters don't provide---is the hidden burner/fake email accounts, sometimes a hidden throwaway/no account burner phone or evidence of the skype account they use to message/call with zero trace on phone or phone bill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And start tagging him on Facebook with a picture of the two of you and indicating he is your dh. "Had so much fun with my husband and kids on the hike today."

Sure. Just understand the implications there too.

What implications? You don't post pics with your spouse and kids? And occasionally tag your dh so his family can see them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ oh and I had password to his iphone and his email account...he was very transparent and left it lying around. THAT IS BECAUSE HE WAS DOING ALL OF THE DECEITFUL WAYS 2020 ALLOWS FOR...

The old articles about how to find a cheater do not apply to today's technology. There is no classic found text message or numbers showing up on a phone bill or him staying out at night or going away on friend's trips. They can do this sh(t middle of work day and never call or contact each other minus a skype message which leaves no trace on phone bill...and if they have given zero signs in the relationship you have no reason to GPS track or put a VAR recorder in their car.

This is reality today.

You can’t put GPS tracker on a car that isn’t in your name and you certainly cannot put a VAR to record people’s conversations if you aren’t part of them. You could literally be jailed for that.

I know someone that used a VAR. They never go after them for that. If your name is on title, you most definitely can use a GPS tracker.

Sorry, cheater.

I am not the cheater. I caught my ex wife and just sharing the legal advice I received at the time.

You also cannot hack into your partner’s emails or devices.

And, yes, they do prosecute these things. Which is why you should hire a licensed PI.

It's not hacking when they provided the email password/phone password and authorization. But, yes, otherwise pi

Cheaters never provide these passwords. That said sometimes you can find incriminating things in shared clouds.

WRONG!! OMG--so wrong! Mine did. His iphone was left unlocked. We have the same passwords on our iphones...and I have his PW for email account.

What cheaters don't provide---is the hidden burner/fake email accounts, sometimes a hidden throwaway/no account burner phone or evidence of the skype account they use to message/call with zero trace on phone or phone bill.

Oh, and btw, since he/she SEEMS SO ABSOLUTELY transparent...you have a very false sense of extreme security and trust which makes finding out about these deeply hidden things even more of a psychological blow. Talk about a total and complete mindf*ck.

They really play you because there you are bragging about how transparent your spouse is blah, blah...and now you aren't worried or even thinking they would ever cheat because you have access to everything--iphone, email account, iphone locator, etc...UNTIL you found out all of that is a ruse---the locator is hacked, they are skyping without trace and have a fake burner made up email account they left no trace of on computer or phone.

How do you like them apples?

[Anonymous]

WRONG!! OMG--so wrong! Mine did. His iphone was left unlocked. We have the same passwords on our iphones...and I have his PW for email account.

What cheaters don't provide---is the hidden burner/fake email accounts, sometimes a hidden throwaway/no account burner phone or evidence of the skype account they use to message/call with zero trace on phone or phone bill.

This is 100% correct, coming from a reformed cheater. I had an email account I used to communicate with my AP's. When I was alone I'd log into it on my phone, but using the secret mode on the phone's browser instead of an email app. I'd close the browser when I was done. Simple as that, and completely untraceable. My ex had my phone's password and was free to look at it at any time, and I was in no danger of being caught.

A lot of cheaters aren't smart enough to do that, amazingly. But don't assume that an open phone means no cheating (if there are other red flags).

[Anonymous]

^ you are such an asshole to do that to someone you are supposed to love and care for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

WRONG!! OMG--so wrong! Mine did. His iphone was left unlocked. We have the same passwords on our iphones...and I have his PW for email account.

What cheaters don't provide---is the hidden burner/fake email accounts, sometimes a hidden throwaway/no account burner phone or evidence of the skype account they use to message/call with zero trace on phone or phone bill.

This is 100% correct, coming from a reformed cheater. I had an email account I used to communicate with my AP's. When I was alone I'd log into it on my phone, but using the secret mode on the phone's browser instead of an email app. I'd close the browser when I was done. Simple as that, and completely untraceable. My ex had my phone's password and was free to look at it at any time, and I was in no danger of being caught.

A lot of cheaters aren't smart enough to do that, amazingly. But don't assume that an open phone means no cheating (if there are other red flags).

Or if there are NO other red flags!! We by all means had a GREAT marriage. We never fought. We had a great sex life all 20 years (3-4 times per week, variety, etc.). We loved each other's company. We were very social together. We never took boys' or girls' trips alone or vacationed alone. We got along extremely well with each other's families. We both worked and contributed to household duties.

Sometimes, it really is something inside the cheater him/herself that causes crap like this in middle age. Mine had all kinds of buried family trauma emerge right around our oldest kid was the age when his cheating, alcoholic father left and mother ignored the kids. It's taking LOTS of therapy. And, I'm still not sure about the whole 'narcissist' aspect. Therapist claims tendencies are high because of brain trauma from childhood, but not full-blown clinical since put himself in therapy and acknowledges his faults. Who knows.

What I do know is I don't see all affairs or cheaters the same minus one fact....it is ALWAYS on them. No matter what happens in a marriage--you never handle it through deceit/lying and cheating. You work on it, address it or agree to leave BEFORE you engage in sexual activity outside of your marriage vows. PERIOD. There is a whole lot of self-delusion and scapegoating that goes on for somebody to convince themselves that cheating is ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d keep an eye on it. I’d get a good luck at his phone and email before I asked DH what it was about.

Um, what do you think it's about?!

PP here. I think he is interested in flirting and potentially an affair. I just meant that I’d want to gather all the evidence before confronting him. That would tip him off to scrub all his accounts.

This is a good tip from a divorce perspective. Gathering evidence so it's ready to go is a very wise idea

Evidence? For what? Just divorce. No one sues for at-fault divorce anymore.

Wrong. Still an option. Provides evidence of adultery. Gives leverage emotionally. Also considered in alimony calculations depending on the state.

Yes. Women are often denied alimony/spousal support and only get child support when adultery is proven.

This is incorrect. Child support has nothing to do with alimony, though it is more common for women/men to be denied spousal than it was when there was only one stream of income, and in certain states adultery can reduce or remove alimony. It does not change marital debt, marital assets by law, but can provide negotiation leverage. Adultery is anything during marriage, including after legal separation, which is why dating is not advised while waiting for a divorce to be finalized and decrees. Child support and custody is completely separate and even a final ruling can be revisited if circumstances support a modification.

In my case, I waived spousal, and allowed my ex to give a crappy amount of child support that barely covers 25% of a state calculated obligation. Think Tina Turner, leaving Ike. Otherwise it would have been Misery, the sequel. Sometimes it just ain’t worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d keep an eye on it. I’d get a good luck at his phone and email before I asked DH what it was about.

Um, what do you think it's about?!

PP here. I think he is interested in flirting and potentially an affair. I just meant that I’d want to gather all the evidence before confronting him. That would tip him off to scrub all his accounts.

This is a good tip from a divorce perspective. Gathering evidence so it's ready to go is a very wise idea

Evidence? For what? Just divorce. No one sues for at-fault divorce anymore.

Wrong. Still an option. Provides evidence of adultery. Gives leverage emotionally. Also considered in alimony calculations depending on the state.

It doesn’t provide evidence of adultery. For that you need two things: public display of affection and opportunity.

So, photographs of kissing and hand holding and going into a hotel room. Ideally pictures of them having sex but the first two will do the trick if documented. And it has to be multiple times.

Stuff said in chats or whatever? Not enough.

This is why people hire PIs.

Again, her advice to gather the evidence she can still stands. Why are you arguing so much in defense of someone “flirting” and lying about his marriage to someone? Why intentionally giving OP misguided advice on how to move through this in a safe and rational way that protects her physically, emotionally, and financially? Those of us who have BTDT understand what is implied here. There is a greater risk from OP to have nothing than something.

Err on the side of caution op, document all you can, and start a journal. You can always correlate your events with discovery if necessary. And yes, a PI is an option as is camera footage.

It’s your use of the word “evidence.” As someone who has been through this myself (on the victim side) most of what you are suggesting are irrelevant for legal purposes. But it the hyper vigilance is useful for the purposes of deciding to move on to separation and divorce, go for it. Just don’t break the law or it can blow back on you.

Re-read everything, and slowly this time.