DH said that he’s not married on FB chat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And start tagging him on Facebook with a picture of the two of you and indicating he is your dh. "Had so much fun with my husband and kids on the hike today."

Sure. Just understand the implications there too.

What implications? You don't post pics with your spouse and kids? And occasionally tag your dh so his family can see them?

I’m responding to the bolded part of PP’s comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ you are such an asshole to do that to someone you are supposed to love and care for.

+1. And not just once - multiple times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP before bringing him up to speed on what you know get your ducks in a row.

Photos of all financial records. All.

Start collecting visa gift cards when you go out.

Put everything somewhere extremely safe.

Then discuss. Because this is most likely not the first time,

OP, this is good advice. Have there been any other red flags?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d keep an eye on it. I’d get a good luck at his phone and email before I asked DH what it was about.

Um, what do you think it's about?!

PP here. I think he is interested in flirting and potentially an affair. I just meant that I’d want to gather all the evidence before confronting him. That would tip him off to scrub all his accounts.

This is a good tip from a divorce perspective. Gathering evidence so it's ready to go is a very wise idea

Evidence? For what? Just divorce. No one sues for at-fault divorce anymore.

Yes, they do. I got my divorce on grounds.

That must have taken a lot of time and money. Some of us didn’t want to bother.

In Virginia it can take 11 months to get a court date for at-fault and that was before Covid.

Better to just do the separation and go no-fault. Unless you have money to burn and want a very public spectacle and drag your kids into it.

Nope. We mediated it in a lawyer's office and suing on grounds was the only way to speed it through with kids. In VA the separation period is a year with children anyway. My divorce was signed off by a judge in 11 months total, unheard of for VA. I hired a PI which was costly but I made it back in the mediation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ you are such an asshole to do that to someone you are supposed to love and care for.

+1. And not just once - multiple times.

Women do the same. My spouse's AP was on her 3rd affair over the course of a 20-year marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, if you are smart you dont confront him in a rage because liars lie and being caught makes them more creative.

This is true too. The PPs husband had an entirely separate cover because he knew his wife would confront him “immediately”. She followed his cheater playbook. When spouse sees evidence of adultery, introduce exhibit XYZ, deflect, gaslight, lie, omit. I read something once forgot the acronym but it was like Deny, Accuse, Redirect, V stood for something else, and O (offend?). Anyway, this is not a new game. Men and women have done this since the beginning of mankind.

Thankfully for OP, even the best players fumble the ball. Be thankful that you have a sign now to have had your eyes opened up and your attenae a bit more tuned in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ you are such an asshole to do that to someone you are supposed to love and care for.

+1. And not just once - multiple times.

Women do the same. My spouse's AP was on her 3rd affair over the course of a 20-year marriage.

I wasn’t being gender specific. I’m sorry you experienced that trauma, PP. I have my own story. But you seem very raw about this and are personalizing things in an unusual way. Please consider to talking to someone about the grief of adultery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d keep an eye on it. I’d get a good luck at his phone and email before I asked DH what it was about.

Um, what do you think it's about?!

PP here. I think he is interested in flirting and potentially an affair. I just meant that I’d want to gather all the evidence before confronting him. That would tip him off to scrub all his accounts.

This is a good tip from a divorce perspective. Gathering evidence so it's ready to go is a very wise idea

Evidence? For what? Just divorce. No one sues for at-fault divorce anymore.

Yes, they do. I got my divorce on grounds.

That must have taken a lot of time and money. Some of us didn’t want to bother.

In Virginia it can take 11 months to get a court date for at-fault and that was before Covid.

Better to just do the separation and go no-fault. Unless you have money to burn and want a very public spectacle and drag your kids into it.

Nope. We mediated it in a lawyer's office and suing on grounds was the only way to speed it through with kids. In VA the separation period is a year with children anyway. My divorce was signed off by a judge in 11 months total, unheard of for VA. I hired a PI which was costly but I made it back in the mediation.

Smart. I wish I had someone to suggest that for me. I was the only one to divorce and was flying blind. That is exactly why you open at fault immediately in a lot of cases. There will be a hard line stop, whether everyone wants it or not.

[Anonymous]

^ you are such an asshole to do that to someone you are supposed to love and care for.

Yes, I was. I am no longer with that person, but I did come clean after we split up and apologized for my actions. She forgave me in the end, and we remain friends today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

^ you are such an asshole to do that to someone you are supposed to love and care for.

Yes, I was. I am no longer with that person, but I did come clean after we split up and apologized for my actions. She forgave me in the end, and we remain friends today.

I sincerely hope you received ongoing individual therapy to address and identify what allowed you to be so morally repulsive and deceitful.

[Anonymous]

I sincerely hope you received ongoing individual therapy to address and identify what allowed you to be so morally repulsive and deceitful.

I wasn't happy in my relationship and wanted out but didn't want the guilt of being the one to end it. That's no longer the case, as I am happily married and have never had the urge to repeat those actions. It's amazing what someone can do if they're honest with themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I sincerely hope you received ongoing individual therapy to address and identify what allowed you to be so morally repulsive and deceitful.

I wasn't happy in my relationship and wanted out but didn't want the guilt of being the one to end it. That's no longer the case, as I am happily married and have never had the urge to repeat those actions. It's amazing what someone can do if they're honest with themselves.

Well let's hope you grew some balls since then so if you become unhappy in this marriage in the future you can address it like an adult.

[Anonymous]

Well let's hope you grew some balls since then so if you become unhappy in this marriage in the future you can address it like an adult

And I hope you can find peace with whoever did this to you. Holding on to bitterness only hurts you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people don't confront right away not because they aren't 99% certain what it means/what is going on, but because if the person cheating knows they have been caught they are more likely to delete evidence and/or put more effort into hiding new evidence. The OP may not be as naive as some think, she may be clever.

What the hell is so clever about allowing something potentially toxic to your relationship to continue?
"Oh wow she's so smart she sat back and just spied on his cyber-flirting for months without saying anything look how much evidence she has going into divorce proceedings."
Wait a minute...

"Why didn't the bitch just confront him immediately and get him to clean his act up BEFORE shit got out of hand for months thus causing them to divorce?"
That's not clever that's dumb.
Now you on here posting a new thread about how stressed you are about the divorce and him cheating.

YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED IT AND YOU DID NOTHING STUPID!!!!

There's really no way to stop it nowadays. There are a million ways to hide online cheating. You confront them, they just find a way to hide it better.

So if there's no way to stop it then what's the harm in asking, "Hey...what the f**k is this?"
Yeah he may continue but he'll at least clean his shit up and hide it better.
You let that shit go and don't say anything and he's gonna get more and more emboldened and shit will get outta hand.
Next thing you know he done got some chick pregnant.
Nah - cut that shit off immediately.
Turn the tv off close the door cross your arms and CONFRONT HIM.
Stop acting so scared.

It already is out of hand.

Narcissists and f-d people are masters at lying. Mine fooled EVERYONE, even himself, life-long family and close friends.

I am no shrinking violet and would confront immediately over something like this FB (though we don't do any social media)...however, his deciet was so crafty and so far hidden there were ZERO signs. The two whores thought of absolutely everything to cover their tracks---no phone or texts ever. They direct skype messaged (left no trace). They learned how to hack the 'iphone locator' so iphone tracking would show he was at his office instead of 40 min away at this woman's house (yes that f-ing crafty). Real work emails--with him forwarding to me saying he had to go out of town or in on his Friday telework day (but work had cancelled the trip--and I didn't get that email!!).

What I learned--if a person is determined to cheat in 2020---technology and burner emails and skype and hacking make it fairly untraceable....and if they are meeting up at SAHM's house during work hours (with iphone tracker hacked) you have zero way of knowing---especially when they act totally normal to everyone around you, very loving as always, still doing nice things and having sex with you 3-4 times per week.

I once was as smug as you. There is no way, NO WAY I would have thought my spouse of 20 years (and I stayed very fit, look very young and all of the crap, have a very successful career and we always got along great/great friends) was capable of what he did.

Just be careful. You think you are in control---so did I. Man was I burned.

But, if my spouse ever had a social media account and I saw what OP saw---I would have been in his face about immediately. What he did (and, btw, he is a very dumb cheater nowhere near as crafty and manipulative as my own) I would have not been able to contain myself---I would have been all over him. What I know about that, they will go further underground in the future.

OMG!! How did your divorce go???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ you are such an asshole to do that to someone you are supposed to love and care for.

+1. And not just once - multiple times.

Women do the same. My spouse's AP was on her 3rd affair over the course of a 20-year marriage.

I wasn’t being gender specific. I’m sorry you experienced that trauma, PP. I have my own story. But you seem very raw about this and are personalizing things in an unusual way. Please consider to talking to someone about the grief of adultery.

It seems she’s started dozens of raging threads here for a long, long time, and spews about her derangement on other parts of the board. It would be great if she got her head examined and left this board forever.