DH said that he’s not married on FB chat

[Anonymous]

OP, you know exactly what this means. This is just the first time you caught him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do y’all just sit in shit for days and weeks wondering what to think of this and worrying whether this means that?

Why do y’all sit around for days and weeks stressing in bewilderment when every night you sleeping right next to the person who can answer your questions?

Communication people.
Don’t wonder - ask.
And if the answer sounds shady get some clarification.
What’s so hard about it?

All of this! Men will do whatever they can get away with. Reign 'em in or cut 'em loose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do y’all just sit in shit for days and weeks wondering what to think of this and worrying whether this means that?

Why do y’all sit around for days and weeks stressing in bewilderment when every night you sleeping right next to the person who can answer your questions?

Communication people.
Don’t wonder - ask.
And if the answer sounds shady get some clarification.
What’s so hard about it?

You think someone who would lie about this would give a straight answer?
Lol.
Some people are so naive.

OP hasn’t found the courage to confront him so he hasn’t lied to her about shit.
Yeah he lied to some anonymous nobody in cyberspace but that truck doesn’t matter - he’s supposed to lie to her lol.
Did he lie to his wife? NO!! Cause she ain’t asked him she sitting around stressing for four days asking everybody for their thoughts on the situation EXCEPT the one person who can explain what’s going on.

That’s naïveté

Seriously. Go straight to the source!

[Anonymous]

I would snoop around a bit to determine whether he's testing the waters/indulging in some online flirtation or actively having an affair/seriously seeking one out.

For the former: I would sit DH down, tell him what I know and tell him that he if does not cut that S&&t out asap his life will look like this: living in an apartment, dealing with our 2 kids by himself half the time, and unlikely to ever find someone as good as me to put up with his shit. If he wants to risk everything we have--family, friends, our nest egg--then he needs to tell me now because I will not tolerate it. He has a choice, and so do I. He's either in or out. If he has issues about our marriage, I'm all for talking about it--you want more spark? tell me what to do/wear/what you miss/crave. You want more time to your self?? let's schedule it. You want more admiration? okay, here are al the things that make you amazing...and also you do and be those things that I love about you. You just bored and stupid? GTFO.

If the latter and he's actively in affair, I would gather more evidence and start prepping to split/do the 180. The confrontation would be different: you've done this, you're moving out while I consider next steps. No emotion.

(and I say this as someone whose DH did have, in the beginning of our relationship, an inappropriate boundary with an ex. I shut that down hard. I know the difference between being friends with an ex or having female friends, which I've never had an issue with, and lying/sneaking/being dishonest about someone. I read him the riot act early on--sometimes with men you gotta lay down the law.)

[Anonymous]

Are you surprised or is it just a thing?

[Anonymous]

A lot of people don't confront right away not because they aren't 99% certain what it means/what is going on, but because if the person cheating knows they have been caught they are more likely to delete evidence and/or put more effort into hiding new evidence. The OP may not be as naive as some think, she may be clever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people don't confront right away not because they aren't 99% certain what it means/what is going on, but because if the person cheating knows they have been caught they are more likely to delete evidence and/or put more effort into hiding new evidence. The OP may not be as naive as some think, she may be clever.

What the hell is so clever about allowing something potentially toxic to your relationship to continue?
"Oh wow she's so smart she sat back and just spied on his cyber-flirting for months without saying anything look how much evidence she has going into divorce proceedings."
Wait a minute...

"Why didn't the bitch just confront him immediately and get him to clean his act up BEFORE shit got out of hand for months thus causing them to divorce?"
That's not clever that's dumb.
Now you on here posting a new thread about how stressed you are about the divorce and him cheating.

YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED IT AND YOU DID NOTHING STUPID!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do y’all just sit in shit for days and weeks wondering what to think of this and worrying whether this means that?

Why do y’all sit around for days and weeks stressing in bewilderment when every night you sleeping right next to the person who can answer your questions?

Communication people.
Don’t wonder - ask.
And if the answer sounds shady get some clarification.
What’s so hard about it?

You think someone who would lie about this would give a straight answer?
Lol.
Some people are so naive.

OP hasn’t found the courage to confront him so he hasn’t lied to her about shit.
Yeah he lied to some anonymous nobody in cyberspace but that truck doesn’t matter - he’s supposed to lie to her lol.
Did he lie to his wife? NO!! Cause she ain’t asked him she sitting around stressing for four days asking everybody for their thoughts on the situation EXCEPT the one person who can explain what’s going on.

That’s naïveté

Hey bitter NPD man. Stop projecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do y’all just sit in shit for days and weeks wondering what to think of this and worrying whether this means that?

Why do y’all sit around for days and weeks stressing in bewilderment when every night you sleeping right next to the person who can answer your questions?

Communication people.
Don’t wonder - ask.
And if the answer sounds shady get some clarification.
What’s so hard about it?

All of this! Men will do whatever they can get away with. Reign 'em in or cut 'em loose.

Please share how to get clarification on a shady response from a defensive liar solely because asking the question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people don't confront right away not because they aren't 99% certain what it means/what is going on, but because if the person cheating knows they have been caught they are more likely to delete evidence and/or put more effort into hiding new evidence. The OP may not be as naive as some think, she may be clever.

What the hell is so clever about allowing something potentially toxic to your relationship to continue?
"Oh wow she's so smart she sat back and just spied on his cyber-flirting for months without saying anything look how much evidence she has going into divorce proceedings."
Wait a minute...

"Why didn't the bitch just confront him immediately and get him to clean his act up BEFORE shit got out of hand for months thus causing them to divorce?"
That's not clever that's dumb.
Now you on here posting a new thread about how stressed you are about the divorce and him cheating.

YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED IT AND YOU DID NOTHING STUPID!!!!

There's really no way to stop it nowadays. There are a million ways to hide online cheating. You confront them, they just find a way to hide it better.

[Anonymous]

..is not enough.

[Anonymous]

I don’t need evidence of cheating. The feeling of distrust is a large enough signal for me. Either it is a problem with him being deceitful and causing mental and emotional abuse, or it is an issue with me being distrustful for some deep seated reason that may not have anything to do with the circumstance. Either way there is distrust and it isn’t healthy. I would end the relationship to work on myself if it was me. Someone that loves you would support that. If it isn’t me, and it is the person being deceitful, it is very rare that you get anything other than a trickle truth.

The bottom line point is that he has already lied and said he wasn’t married, and left a door open.

The whether, why, how and who is all secondary to that. NPD types, cheaters, and people that are deceitful will get angry over you not accepting their proof. Do not let him redirect to other issues. Start with the bottom line point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people don't confront right away not because they aren't 99% certain what it means/what is going on, but because if the person cheating knows they have been caught they are more likely to delete evidence and/or put more effort into hiding new evidence. The OP may not be as naive as some think, she may be clever.

What the hell is so clever about allowing something potentially toxic to your relationship to continue?
"Oh wow she's so smart she sat back and just spied on his cyber-flirting for months without saying anything look how much evidence she has going into divorce proceedings."
Wait a minute...

"Why didn't the bitch just confront him immediately and get him to clean his act up BEFORE shit got out of hand for months thus causing them to divorce?"
That's not clever that's dumb.
Now you on here posting a new thread about how stressed you are about the divorce and him cheating.

YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED IT AND YOU DID NOTHING STUPID!!!!

May I present gaslighting at (his) finest? Delicately seasoned with just enough vulgarity and accusation to make you forget that it doesn’t matter whether he lied to her face. He lied. He lied about the relationship. To another person. It is irrelevant the lie that he is waiting to pull out of his back pocket. It is gaslighting to try to flip the script and make OP second guess her approach and call her stupid for not asking.

He said he wasn’t married. Period. He lied.
He said he wasn’t married. Period. He lied.
He said he wasn’t married. Period. He lied.

So if she says what is this, guarantee you that a gas lighter will say, “oh you misunderstand XYZ. Your “truth” is I correct.”

Only severely narcissistic liars speak in terms of truths and untruths, facts and alternative facts.

Trust then verify, OP. If nothing else it is a red flag.

You could simply ask him randomly, “hey do you tell anyone who asks whether you’re married?”
He will say yes or no, or sniff out why. Remember that majority of communication isn’t verbal. It’s tone, expression, the dialogue.

Don’t let people think you’re stupid when your conscious sends an alarm signal. Respect it and figure out of the threat is real or perceived, when work on it.

[Anonymous]

Edit: “Think” should be “convince you”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people don't confront right away not because they aren't 99% certain what it means/what is going on, but because if the person cheating knows they have been caught they are more likely to delete evidence and/or put more effort into hiding new evidence. The OP may not be as naive as some think, she may be clever.

What the hell is so clever about allowing something potentially toxic to your relationship to continue?
"Oh wow she's so smart she sat back and just spied on his cyber-flirting for months without saying anything look how much evidence she has going into divorce proceedings."
Wait a minute...

"Why didn't the bitch just confront him immediately and get him to clean his act up BEFORE shit got out of hand for months thus causing them to divorce?"
That's not clever that's dumb.
Now you on here posting a new thread about how stressed you are about the divorce and him cheating.

YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED IT AND YOU DID NOTHING STUPID!!!!

There's really no way to stop it nowadays. There are a million ways to hide online cheating. You confront them, they just find a way to hide it better.

So if there's no way to stop it then what's the harm in asking, "Hey...what the f**k is this?"
Yeah he may continue but he'll at least clean his shit up and hide it better.
You let that shit go and don't say anything and he's gonna get more and more emboldened and shit will get outta hand.
Next thing you know he done got some chick pregnant.
Nah - cut that shit off immediately.
Turn the tv off close the door cross your arms and CONFRONT HIM.
Stop acting so scared.