I’m really sad about who my son is

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t even know where to start. As parents, we were loving, involved, provided opportunities for an excellent education, sports, music, tutors etc. We are kind, well informed, healthy, parents. Pursued therapy and medication as appropriate. My daughter turned out great.

My son is now 17 and

Smokes marijuana regularly (those who haven’t dealt with this please don’t go into where do they get it, the money etc. they find a way)
Does bare minimum at school
Has a crappy attitude
Quit all his sports
Has a terrible temper (think holes in walls)
Doesn’t exercise
Vapes/smokes
Eats horribly
Isn’t very motivated
Is immature
Risk taker
Adhd - takes medicine during school day
Some learning disabilities, not major


I am at a loss and trying not to give up on him, but it’s been years of trying to get him good help, support, trying to enforce boundaries and the list goes on. I’m just tired and incredibly sad about this.

Hi OP. Just want to share an encouraging word. I could've written almost this exact post two years ago about my kid but add in two psychiatric hospitalizations to the list. Junior year was incredibly stressful. Therapy with a therapist my kid respected and liked was very, very important as was finding the right medication. You may want to look into DBT therapy as this helped with building coping skills. It took two years for us to get through it. Our psychiatrist took more of a harm reduction approach to the marijuana use. It faded away once my kid was able to build skills to address anxiety. We just focused on what our kid needed and and not the norms in our community. For example, high school was a major stress point for my kid so for senior year my kid only took the classes required to graduate and this resulted in less stress and the shut down due to COVID-19 was a blessing in disguise - a chance to reset.

My main message is don't give up!

[Anonymous]

It’s hard to give suggestions when posts keep getting deleted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are the things you like about your son?

Seriously. Why not love him as he is? You can kick him out when he turns 18. It may be the best thing you could do for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ADHD drugs can lead to addictions. The kid is given amphetamines and is self medicating with pot. It's toxic, it's not his fault.

Stop spreading misinformation. Teens with uncontrolled adhd (often those not on medication) are more likely to take drugs.

OP, some of this may be related to his adhd, and each negative step results in the next. I would start with the doctor who is managing his adhd.

Parents should read the labels on the amphetamines for side affects and understand what they do to a growing brain. Most kids have no business popping study drugs it's the parents who are demanding amphetamines for kids for the purpose of a better GPA. Doctors know that if they don't prescribe the drugs, the parents will just go to another doctor who will.

Several of us on DCUM are doctors or scientists working in related fields and we can certify that 50 years of research into stimulants have shown no negative side effects on developing brains if dosed correctly on diagnosed patients.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He does sound massively depressed. Whether it's a cause of effect of his behavior is not clear.

What about an outdoor program for a few months?

+1

[Anonymous]

He sounds sort of like a combination of my two kids at that age. Who he is now is not who he is going to be forever. I would be most worried about the anger issues and his desire to quit his activities, honestly. Is he still involved in something, even if it's not sports?

Some human beings are kind of lazy and unmotivated in the absence of mental health issues, esp. immature 17 year old boys with ADHD.

Your desire to have him eating certain food and exercising X amount is not going to fly now that he's almost an adult. You sound like you tie calorie intake or time spent a gym as indicators that someone is a good person.

Some kids who smoke weed regularly these days simply like smoking weed. It is not always an addiction, self-medication or a cry for help. Try having a frank conversation about how often he is doing it and why.

A lot of the smug parents posting here have teens who are using vapes under their noses. It's a bad habit, but it doesn't make your kid a degenerate. Most will outgrow it.

How is he with his friends? Some of his attitude and anger could just be as a result of tension in the household and parents who are disappointed with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ADHD drugs can lead to addictions. The kid is given amphetamines and is self medicating with pot. It's toxic, it's not his fault.

Stop spreading misinformation. Teens with uncontrolled adhd (often those not on medication) are more likely to take drugs.

OP, some of this may be related to his adhd, and each negative step results in the next. I would start with the doctor who is managing his adhd.

Parents should read the labels on the amphetamines for side affects and understand what they do to a growing brain. Most kids have no business popping study drugs it's the parents who are demanding amphetamines for kids for the purpose of a better GPA. Doctors know that if they don't prescribe the drugs, the parents will just go to another doctor who will.

Several of us on DCUM are doctors or scientists working in related fields and we can certify that 50 years of research into stimulants have shown no negative side effects on developing brains if dosed correctly on diagnosed patients.

Sounds like they aren't, in this case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are the things you like about your son?

He has varied interests
He can be passionate
He shares my political views
He cares about racism and confronts his very privileged white friends often

Those are great qualities. Does he work? It sounds like he would be a good candidate for a political canvassing position.

OP I'm sure the entire situation is painful to you. Many of the things you said caused your sadness could have been said about my son in his teens. He actually didn't make it through high school (his problems were exacerbated by a school system where even before middle school there was resistance and hostility towards his special needs). Also DH died when he was 13. Honestly, there were times when what with the tears and my heart actually hurting that I didn't know if either of us would survive, period.

In our case, I had to be his ally (because of the school crap, which also led to juvenile justice involvement, although I had the satisfaction of seeing a number of charges dropped before being formalized and a judge dressing down prosecutors for bringing them in the first place, and his h.s. principal banning one asst principal from so much as speaking to him).

When he was 16, I was shocked when he said one day "I just realized there is nothing I am good at". I pushed him to enroll in some computer courses at school, he resisted because ironically enough he DID think he knew all that stuff. These also allowed him some college credits (dual credit setup).

And yes, there was pot and also alcohol abuse, going into his young adult years. He very narrowly avoided felony trafficking charges for pot, after he had already realized his supplier was the only one making money and quit selling small amounts of weed. Then a DUI curtailed his life for a stretch, he turned his focus to work (by then he was self-employed based on those computer courses). His life is very different now (heck, his credit limit is way higher than mine, and he is also a very good person).

I remember a speaker at a training I attended on positive behavioral supports saying one key was for a child to have things in his life he doesn't want to lose. And it is possible to build on those.

Anyway, look at my post about family members and loved ones with addiction in the off topic forum and check out the link.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ADHD drugs can lead to addictions. The kid is given amphetamines and is self medicating with pot. It's toxic, it's not his fault.

Stop spreading misinformation. Teens with uncontrolled adhd (often those not on medication) are more likely to take drugs.

OP, some of this may be related to his adhd, and each negative step results in the next. I would start with the doctor who is managing his adhd.

Parents should read the labels on the amphetamines for side affects and understand what they do to a growing brain. Most kids have no business popping study drugs it's the parents who are demanding amphetamines for kids for the purpose of a better GPA. Doctors know that if they don't prescribe the drugs, the parents will just go to another doctor who will.

Several of us on DCUM are doctors or scientists working in related fields and we can certify that 50 years of research into stimulants have shown no negative side effects on developing brains if dosed correctly on diagnosed patients.

Addictions are more likely in people who DO need these medications and don't get them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds sort of like a combination of my two kids at that age. Who he is now is not who he is going to be forever. I would be most worried about the anger issues and his desire to quit his activities, honestly. Is he still involved in something, even if it's not sports?

Some human beings are kind of lazy and unmotivated in the absence of mental health issues, esp. immature 17 year old boys with ADHD.

Your desire to have him eating certain food and exercising X amount is not going to fly now that he's almost an adult. You sound like you tie calorie intake or time spent a gym as indicators that someone is a good person.

Some kids who smoke weed regularly these days simply like smoking weed. It is not always an addiction, self-medication or a cry for help. Try having a frank conversation about how often he is doing it and why.

A lot of the smug parents posting here have teens who are using vapes under their noses. It's a bad habit, but it doesn't make your kid a degenerate. Most will outgrow it.

How is he with his friends? Some of his attitude and anger could just be as a result of tension in the household and parents who are disappointed with him.

Thank you for your post. I get that I mentioned his sister in the post, but I honestly work extremely hard at not doing this to him. I work at being upbeat and positive around him. He does talk to me pretty freely about stuff, including his marijuana use and why. Those are huge positives, I know. I try to help him be future thinking- and I’m really flexible in my thinking here. He may not be ready for college. I like to talk to him less about schools and more about where do you think you might like to live? . And “you’re creative and smart there are so many ways to be happy or find “success” in life” and I do believe what I say. I don’t expect 17 year old boys to eat perfectly or exercise , my husband is very disciplined on this front for himself so that’s largely a concern of his. I think I’m just getting nervous that time is running out and should we be doing something “bigger” to help him, like a wilderness program or similar.

[Anonymous]

Hugs OP. We went through a very difficult few years with my son - totally different situation than yours, but we were full of despair. Keep working on it even if it seems hopeless. At least in our case, we have emerged out of the tunnel into a much more light filled place. One thing I can say is, it takes some kids a lot longer to figure things out than most other kids. Assume he needs more time than most kids to get his house in order. Don’t give up!

[Anonymous]

Outside of the temper issues, I think most of what you describe fits a lot of teenagers. But it’s not what high achieving parents want for their kids—obviously. Honestly, I was a pretty bad student in high school and unhappy and later when on to get multiple master degrees. My grades improved as I matured. I think I was really just immature. I’m not sure exactly what to do about the temper or pot. (I don’t really think occasional use is a big deal, but I get that this is very regular, and it does sound like he’s depressed or anxious.) If he’s 17 and already doesn’t have good grades, maybe try to get him to focus on the things he is interested in...sounds like getting involved in some political stuff could be motivating for him, and accept that he’s probably not going to a great college. Maybe he does junior college while he matures and tries to figure out what he wants. I’m sorry. I get that you are upset and sad. All kids are different, but I do think he will probably mature and grow out of this stuff.

[Anonymous]

The ADHD and learning disabilities probably cause all the other stuff, right? I have dyslexia and my son has dyselxia and characteristics of ADHD. He is a young teen now and managing, but I can imagine him having challenges like your son in time. It is so hard and frustrating and discouraging that the primary source of worth for most young people - school - is hard and sometimes impossible for our kids. So they give up, don't care, don't engage. That is easier than banging their heads against the wall every day and being called lazy, distracted, stupid...even if no one uses those words, that is what those of us with learning disabilities hear. That is what we feel. It can be easier to just say fine, if that is what the world thinks of me I might as well BE that.

I agree with others that you might want to check in on med adjustments. But beyond that...just love your son. Who ever he is, make sure he feels every day how much you love him just as he is, and you believe he is a good and worthy human being. Just as he is. That you have faith he'll have a great life. The truth is in all likelihood he WILL have a great life. He is just having a hard time right now. Love him through it, for all those things you listed above that make him wonderful. That was some list, OP, with some of the best qualities a human can have. He may be a pain in the a$$ right now, but that isn't who he is - that is just what he is going through. You both are doing fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to give suggestions when posts keep getting deleted.

Agreed. Unsure why my post was deleted as it stated a fact that could be cross checked against military recruiting sites.

[Anonymous]

This was my husband to a lesser extent. I’ve known him since he was in HS. Went on to college, started to care, got a business degree. Successful job making $350k a year now.